We're either here or there, aren't we? You find yourself wondering if she really knows you or why she never really cares about the things you have to say. The worst part is that you actually care about this relationship and caring about something is horrible. Us guys just can't ever seem to catch a break. Well, that's why I'm gearing up to clear the fog on another social situation for the sake of good will and charity. For just five cents a day, you can help a male realize that he's, in fact, dating a gold digger. That joke is why I'll probably never do stand up. Anyways, upper-class men, we are so good at making the right business connections, seeing through clients, and even getting the best deals on our overly excessive luxury cars... but we are no match for a charming feline in the romantic wilderness. Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "All human beings are commingled out of good and evil." So, basically, we're all a mix of hero and villain. I'm here to point out the villain in your significant other and possibly save your pocket book. Take heed to these signs brethren. Actually, let me stop right there, "Gold Digger" has a female connotation and for the sake of stereotyping I kept it as such, but men are absolutely just as likely to be gold diggers. We just aren't classy about it. Male gold diggers are just called moochers or "Stephan," your band member boyfriend of a million years who your friends hate. Now that we got that all cleared up, let's take this one step at a time, shall we?
12 You Find Yourself At Functions That You Don't Belong
11 The Most Effective Apology, Is Buying Her Something
10 She Throws Tantrums
9 Your Girl Labels Acquaintances By Their Merchandise
8 She Uses Sex Like A Loaded Weapon
7 You're Not Convinced She's A Real Person
6 You Show Off Her Looks, First
5 There Is No Reason To Have A Kitchen
4 She Thinks She's On A HGTV Show
3 Every Event Requires A New Outfit
2 She Has Straight Up Asked You For Money
1 There's A Very Real Chance She Barely Knows You
The plane just left LAX and it's you and your girl's anniversary. How did you even get here? Dating someone who throws tantrums, is a shopaholic, and who you barely know was quite the trek. If you barely know her then chances are she doesn't know you either. You look at her in the eye and ask, "what was my grandmother's name? Yeah, the person whose funeral we went to." She has no idea. Actually, she has no idea about anything in your life. The entire situation will eventually make you realize that she really doesn't even know you nor does she have the mechanical ability to. As a human being, it's really important to be with someone who will take the steps necessary to get to know you inside and out. Unless, you're actually just looking for an extra-ordinarily hot girlfriend who really just, basically, aesthetically exists. If this is the case, just happily walk off the plane for your anniversary weekend in Cabo. You go, bro.
Sources: goodreads.com, psychologytoday.com, imdb.com
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