I’m riding shotgun back to the country in my buddy’s car. We just finished having breakfast, of which, consisted of bacon and espionage. The guy was irreparably confused as to what to do with his recent relationship turmoil. He goes, “It’s like she doesn’t even know why she’s mad, she’s just mad and likes being that way.” I take a moment to respond, but just a moment, “You’re probably right. Anger, to her, is a weapon. She knows you care and just has a twisted way of seeing how much you do.” That’s the premise of most ‘never-ending’ fights. Your girl wants to milk a fight till she can’t get anything else out of it and then she’ll act like you were the crazy one who could have ended the ordeal all along. Take it from a guy that’s been there, done that… fighting with your girl is the worst. Sometimes, I’d rather fight in an actual war zone than deal with the hyper emotional relationship battles. However, my service in the cataclysmic wars with my ex’s is your benefit. I’m a seasoned warrior from the romantic wilderness and I’m here to help you. From #10 to #1, ten being the least effective to #1 being the most effective, I have listed the surefire ways to get out of an argument with your angry lady.
10. Buy Her Something
Under no circumstance, unless she’s a gold digger, should you let her know about your gift. If you decide to take the easy way out and get her that rose gold Michael Kors watch she’s been drooling over… you have to do it in secret because she’ll get even more upset that you’re using a monetary scape goat. Now, if you do it the right way, you’ll just show up with the gift out of the blue and surprise her. This will make her think it’s out of love and not a forceful proposition of peace, even though it is. Her anger will be reduced dramatically and maybe a treaty will be drawn up.
9. Change The Subject
You have to be good with words in order to pull this one off or else she’ll notice and grab the metaphorical steering wheel in order to swerve back onto argument lane. It’ll start out like, “Do you think my sister is hot?” Hot? No! But she’s a relative so I guess I should compliment her, “I mean I think she’s pretty.” “What? What’s that supposed to mean?” No, nope, not the move. She’s mad. Now is the time to change the subject. “Do you smell chipotle? I’m hungry. Let’s grab some.” That’s actually a conversation I had at an outlet mall once, and yes it worked.
8. Make Her Walk In Your Shoes
I actually think this is one of the most mature argumentative approaches available. This is the polite way of saying, “Hey babe, see it from my side.” I love this one because it works most of the time and in the small chance it doesn’t, she still has to acknowledge that she’s being inequitable. A couple months ago I was in an argument with this girl I used to “talk” to over a couple of my girlfriends. In general, I have a lot of girl friends… as in I’m friends with a lot of women. She couldn’t handle that at all. It got to the point where she would simply get mad at me when I’d hang out with them. The crazy and ridiculous part is that she had just as many guy friends as I had lady bros. The winning comment in that argument was, “What if I said you couldn’t hang out with Carter, anymore? That would be crazy. See it from my point of view.”
7. Act Like Nothing Happened
I’m a master at this. I’d rather just not deal with a situation with a girlfriend, you know? Unfortunately, this tactic works best with situations like a drunk fight. I’ll explain: When I was a sophomore in college, my girlfriend had this absolutely insane birthday party. I love parties, as you can imagine, so I went a little overboard. I was young so you can’t expect much more. There’s this ‘classy’ bar called the tavern where I met my match and had to be carried out totally incapacitated. Did I mention that it was only 10:30? Yeah, I had to be put to bed before my curfew in grade school. So I’m back at her place unconscious in her bed and throw up all over it. My girlfriend, at the time, has a medical phobia of throw up. Want to guess how that ended up? She wakes me up, yells at me uncontrollably, calls me a sober cab and sends me on my way. The fight was pretty bad, but entirely my fault. I called her in the morning as if nothing happened and it worked. No drama, no fight… and the ordeal actually turned into a good laugh.
6. Give Her Space
You already know if you have this type of girlfriend. She’s the one that says mundane things like, “I just need to be alone, right now.” Easy enough, honestly. Most of the time, she’s telling the truth. Space and time alone is very rejuvenating for a girl… so instead of explaining this one any further… I’m going to list all the things you can do while you’re giving her “space.” Have a beer/ play video games/ watch action movies/ have another beer/ have five beers/ hang with the bros/ have three more beers/ play video games with the bros/ have beers while hanging with the bros/ actually go to a bar and have fun/ drink bourbon/ etc…
5. Drive Down Memory Lane
Aw, let’s get sentimental. Ew, no dude, I’m not advising to write her some sappy letter. What is this? The Notebook? My name is Jonathan Coppiano not Nicolas Sparks for the love of God. Anyways, you know what could get any war to stop? Memories! Okay, not really. You couldn’t just walk into the trenches during WWII and be like, “hey guys can’t we just remember the good times?” But you could do that with your girlfriend. Even if you’re not completely convinced there were good times… at least give her some rosy retrospect in order to get her to wave the white flag.
4. “I Love You”
Oh man, this is absolutely the most manipulative way to get a girl to melt for you, but if you don’t have any sense of empathy and just want to make her stop arguing… go for it. Now if you actually mean it, say it. Doing the whole, “Look babe, I love you,” works pretty well. Every girl wants to be reminded that you’re in love with her. We live in this society of reassurance so make sure you do just that. Besides, half the time the entirety of the argument is going to be because she wasn’t feeling like you care. So, remember, ILY is a crowd winner.
At some point during the argument something has to give. You’ve tried everything imaginable and you’re just about to give up, but then you end up in the bedroom. This happens every once in a while and it’s very effective, bro. When the opportunity presents itself, take it. Not only is angry sex unbelievably awesome, but it usually turns into makeup sex. It’s hard to stay mad at someone you were just in the sheets with. After the deed is done you’ll be mind blown at how fast the situation clears itself up. As if nothing ever happened she’ll be back to her usual self. Maybe she’ll go for round two?
2. Pretend You’re The Angry One
Nothing calms a girl down faster than believing that she’s the problem. If you can give a convincing audition proving that you’re angrier than she is, then she’ll cave. Fact of the matter is that all women are people pleasers and all she’s going to want is to find a way to make you happy again. I’m not saying to be a manipulative piece of crap, at least entirely. Just realize she’s playing a bidding game with your emotions and if you prove that you’ll win the auction by knowing to call her bluff, she’ll give up on the matter.
1. Realize That Women Are Never Wrong
No matter what you just read or believe, you have to accept the detrimental realization that women are always right. Even when they’re in the wrong, they’re right. It’s their world not anyone else’s. I’m sorry, but that’s just how the twenty first century works in this hemisphere. Even if you play all your cards right, work your angle perfectly, and land the right approach… there’s still a standing probability that you can’t get out of the argument. Girls are smart and can tell that you’re just trying to blow off a serious situation. So here in #1 I’m telling you that sometimes you’re just going to have to deal with the inevitable and work through the matter as a couple. I can’t believe I just wrote that, but it’s the truth.
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