I have a really embarrassing confession. Almost always when I chug a carbonated beverage, aka beer, I cry a little. You wouldn't notice it unless you really looked, but it happens every time. I'm not in pain or anything, I just have this unavoidable natural reaction. I love beer and for that reason this upsets me. There isn't an OTC medication for it either, trust me, I've looked! Unfortunately, I'm just forced to live with this super humiliating defect that I'm consistently judged for. Human social norms are insane! Most of them change generation to generation and there is no saying what will stay true when it comes to what is acceptable between genders. Think about something as simple as gender acceptable fashion colors. In the past half century, men have gone from the entire rainbow of choices to an accepted few shades of blue, grey and green. Anything else bends girls into thinking we are preppy frat boys (guilty), full massed metrosexuals, or playing for another team. I don't make the rules, I've just been around. I'm not a very serious guy, though. I think when it comes to the topic of what is acceptable in the borders of manhood, I can throw darts into the bullseye, but I need to explain something first. One, I'm a comedian, so some of these are slightly for the sake of humor, but I am aiming to make a point and a convincing one at that. Two, "Crying," for a man is confusing. Often times you'll never see it, but it's a thing... like an insect crawling away to die alone, we will retreat to solitude to shed a tear or let the sprinklers jet on the inside. Either way, there are a few, but acceptable, times when a man is allowed to cry. In the parenthesis painted in the list titles you will find either an "I" or an "O" which stand for "crying on the inside" and "crying on the outside," respectively.
10 When your sister tells you she lost her virginity (I)
9 That horrifying moment when your bro gets engaged (I)
8 Your sports team loses the super bowl (I)
7 She cheats on you (O)
6 "I'm pregnant" (I,O)
5 Seconds after realizing you missed last call (I)
4 When she says, "I'm fine." (I)
3 You blacked out during a sexual miracle (I)
2 During or after watching Saving Private Ryan (O)
1 You lose a loved one (O)
I tried to find any way to get around this, but I couldn't. I don't like ending anything on a sad note... not even a one night stand. That's right, I either make breakfast or take them out somewhere that morning. Anyways, I guess I have to talk about it even though it's almost pointless considering the topic is more straight-forward than Caitlyn Jenner. Death plagues any heart and shatters happiness. I dare anyone to say you lose a man card for openly sobbing after losing someone. The only time I've ever cried out of diapers was because of a tragedy and I'm not ashamed of that. Who knew that I'm human! Who knew that we all are! This stuff is tough, especially when even alcohol can't fill the void, but we all figure it out in time.
Sources: psychcentral.com, apa.org, imdb.com, npr.org
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