Well folks, it's finally happened; a certifiable miscreant has officially become the front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination. With a decidedly vague and ludicrous campaign of vacuous sloganeering, empty rhetoric, racism, misogyny and no doubt in short order, rabid homophobia, he's the creep to beat.
NONE of which bodes well for America's future.
Yet this overgrown Oompa Loompa has faced virtually no criticism for offering zero policy details, absolutely no plans to achieve his idiotic musings or even a credible outline that has the most cursory connection to reality, and he continues to attract those who agree with his inflammatory mendacious nonsense based on their unbridled bigotry.
So, you know, they've got that going for them.
In that spirit, let's help Captain Combover out by suggesting 10 policies he should totally adopt on his journey to the White House.
10 NO CHILD LEFT UNLABORED
9 CASINO COLLEGES
8 AMERICA OR NOTHING
7 TUNNEL TO VENUS
6 GAS POWERED EVERYTHING
"You know, this country used to be so great; we used to be able to get in our cars and drive for miles and miles and run over things and leave our garbage wherever we wanted and callously destroy the environment because as Americans, this was our destiny, people! And do you know how we were able to do this? It was because of cheap abundant petroleum. That's right, gas, oil and gas made this country the shining example of what exploiting a natural resource to the point where it threatens our very existence should be, and it was BEAUTIFUL, just beautiful, but that's gone now. Now we have 'clean energy' and 'solar power' and 'wind turbines' and God knows how many other ridiculous, unproven and frankly suspiciously Communist plans that are crushing our petroleum-based dependence and turning us all into sandal-wearing bearded hippie fairies. 'What's the solution Emperor Trump (I'll talk about that in a minute), you ask? It's so simple it's embarrassing, really. The answer is to make everything GAS POWERED! Cell phones, computers, microwave ovens, dishwashers, bicycles, cheerleaders, toys, bandages, food - you name it and it can have a 3 stroke engine slapped on it and before you can say 'Remember oxygen?' we'll have oil and gas on top once again.
5 THE TRUMP STANDARD
"Let's just face it; paper money and gold are relics of a bygone age and have ever decreasing value in our modern society. Some have suggested simply printing more money or increasing our gold reserves, but this is just a band-aid, people. The real solution is to move to a more stable and valuable monetary basis.
Which is why I'm announcing today that I will enact 'The Trump Standard,' which will revolutionize our commercial dealings with all those other stupid useless 'countries' around the globe. It's a no-brainer that someone as wealthy and rich and handsome and charming and brilliant and mechanized and sexy as myself would be capable of completely realigning our wealth as a nation, based exclusively on how much I'm adored as a living God with more money that Jesus.
4 FEMALE NUDITY
3 WALLS, WALLS EVERYWHERE WITH NARY AN IMMIGRANT TO LOATHE
"It's pretty simple, folks; keep 'em all out and keep us in. I guarantee that before taking office, I will have more walls between our nation and the degenerate 'countries' that border our shores than any paranoid fool in history, thus sealing off our ability to interact with those who stupidly believe we have any obligation to share my planet with anyone but Americans.
And it won't cost us a DIME! I know people in China and they know I'm tremendous and can negotiate anything with anyone and lie and manipulate until I get what I want.
1 MAKE THE DISABLED EARN THEIR BENEFITS
"Nothing makes me more angry than freeloaders in my great nation taking advantage of my generosity and doing absolutely nothing, NOTHING to deserve free money. So you're blind, crippled, deaf, infirmed or mentally challenged; THIS means you can't do your duty as a Trumperican and EARN your damn benefits? This is just crazy; don't tell me these people can't be trained to work in factories, mines, undersea exploration, space flights, Olympic marathons or simply enjoy 14 hour days as customer service reps for my new business enterprise, Vampire Financing.
So there you have it, folks, a political platform for a new century, new millennium and a new Emperor for life.
There's REALLY no other option, people."
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