Before I begin this list in earnest I would like to say that sex toys can be fun. I doubt there’s any real need for me to report that. Adult toy and video shops are everywhere, and according to ibisworld.com, the adult stores industry is worth $610,000,000 and growing at 12.5 percent annually. The same page dryly lists the adult store industry’s products as “Vibrators, Rubber Penises, Lubrication, Anal beads, Penis rings, Other sex paraphernalia, Books and magazines, [and] Adult video.” As you might have guessed, this list deals with the ‘other’ category.
As has been expounded upon by countless romance and erotica novelists, it’s generally accepted that women need more stimulation than men to be fully satisfied. And both women and men are said to become bored with their partner – or sex in general – when it gets to be routine. Well, folks, there is an entire universe of silicon holes, slippery goops, electronic doodads, and hyperactive little buzzy beads to make sure the ladies out there can never complain they are understimulated and so couples won’t ever complain that their love life is too routine. Fact: anyone with a credit card and internet access can, right now, become a human love-swing apparatus for their lover to spiderman onto.
If any of the things on this list happen to be what you’re into, I’m not judging you, you depraved weirdo. To each their own, and as long as they’re not hurting anyone who isn’t a masochist, then more power to you. This life is short and painful enough to not derive as much pleasure as you can. Just understand, and there’s no shame in this, that if any of the things on this list really are your thing, then most other people are going to snicker at you behind your back.
Without further ado, here are nine hilarious sex toys you can buy right now, and one that seems to have been discontinued.
The Oral Sex Light
Love can be confusing for those of us who enjoy chin-first exploration of the ruby fruit jungle. Like intrepid anthropologists on safari through a musky rain forest, we gentle tongue waggers must navigate in the blind, through perpetual night, with nary but a nubbin to guide us.
But no more! One noble inventive soul realized, “Hey, this would be way easier and even more fun if I could see what I was doing!” And so he invented… the Oral Sex Light. No, it’s not a magical powder that lowers the caloric content of semen. No, it’s not an anti-gravity tongue ring. It’s basically one of those miner’s helmets with the flashlight on it but ergonomically designed for licking-before-sticking.
Sadly, this is the one device on this list that is currently discontinued. God knows why. Not only do you get to look closely at an illuminated vagina, but you also get to pretend you have a bluetooth headset that communicated with coochie.
OptiSex Romantic Fantasy Swing Kit With Love Eye Mask And Premium Personal Lube
Sex swings aren’t exactly breaking news, and they do seem like they could be kind of fun. I mean, I don’t personally understand why any swing couldn’t be a sex swing, but if you have a swing company and want to expand into a new revenue territory with just a switch of your packaging, ‘sex’ seems as good a prefix to tack on as any other. That being said, this swing is funny because of the package deal.
I am as much in favor of having fun during sex as anyone else and I’d think that pretty much anyone who enjoys having sex on a swing would probably be a pretty fun lay… so why do you need a swing with restraints, lube and a blindfold? Well, I would like to relabel this package the “Surprise, honey!” swing. Guys, if your lady needs a blindfold and lube and restraints then she is either (a) a corpse, (b) unwilling or (c) already in a swingers club, so why would you need to purchase this kit to begin with?
The only other option I can imagine is some lover switcheroo where the boyfriend exits and another man enters… and enters.
In another example of packaging, meet (meat?) Sweeten’d Blow – the strawberry flavoring for your penis. If you find that your penis’ flavor is too boring, then may I suggest that you pursue a lucrative career in pornography. On the other hand, if your lover finds that your penis is not strawberry enough, there’s always Sweetn’d Blow, one of a multitude of genital flavorings.
That’s right. There are tons of options for making a living sausage more palatable. What makes Sweeten’d Blow so special is its packaging… and the fact that it comes with a game board and fake money, so you can simulate prostitution and gambling!
Sweeten’d Blow, from the makers of Fresh Balls. The best way to get your willy wonka’d.
Penis Tanning Cap
As you may have guessed from the first three entries on this list, the sex toy market seems to be dominated by repackaged everyday items. Meet the “Men’s” tanning “cap,” a product that cannot have too many quotation marks round its name.
The cap isn’t so funny just because it’s essentially an elastic-necked baby sock. It isn’t so funny because you can imagine a man laying stark naked but for a Red Hot Chili Pepper’s style sock over his junk. What makes this so funny is the idea that a man should have a perfectly tanned body with no nagging bikini lines… and a ghostly white dong. What woman can resist a bronzed god with the penis of a china doll?
Instant Underwear (Just Add Water)
I’m not sure what makes this a sex toy, but Amazon seems to think it is and it’s just too funny not to include. I imagine a situation in which love stains have become too grievous to be remedied and one must make a quick retreat from the boudoir, perhaps because one’s lover’s spouse is coming home, but quick.
What to do? WHAT TO DO? You simply cannot wear burlap pantaloons without underthings! I have it! You can pull out this little underwear tablet and drop it in the sink! Soon you shall be on your way out the window and down the street with slightly damp, but clean, underwear.
Make Your Own Sex Toys Book
I have a feeling the funniest thing about this book is the title, concept, and reviews. Oh, my god, the reviews. “This book has been a go-to this winter for fun, easy to accomplish craft projects for my daughter Mindy’s Brownie Scout Troop.” “I am the Activity Director at a nursing home and I bought this book for craft day and had the ladies make various objects found in the book. I didn’t have the opportunity to ask them if they liked what they created since many of them went to their rooms immediately after their projects were completed.”
Some of the projects in this book seem a little unimaginative. I really can’t feature a crocheted weenie warmer or humping a hole in a bar of soap. What I do love, however, is the image this book conjured up in my mind of an old Appalachian hillbilly whittlin’ up a dildo over a jug of moonshine whiskey. Most of the reviews are actually quite harsh, written by disappointed customers. This, in my mind, makes it a huge success: It’s been purchased!
LoEGGS Body Sex Swing
Yup! Two sex swings in ONE article, you lucky reader you! What makes this item different than the other sex swings out there on the market? Well, the LoEGGS selectively-capitalized-sex-swing is a harness that turns YOU into the swing! I’m not going to make a quip about this just yet. I want you to think, for a minute, how incredibly fun this must be. If you’re the man, your lady can literally hang on you. If you’re the woman you can climb your fellow like a tree.
Unfortunately, if you’re not a seriously muscled he-man you’re probably going to dislocate your hip trying to use this contraption. If you ARE a seriously muscled he-man, then you probably don’t need this swing suspend your woman horizontally from your vertical form. This product must sadly then be relinquished to the ‘cool idea, totally self defeating’ category.
Three out of the four most popular human sexual orientations love vaginas, and every one has their favorite. That one lady they were with who was the perfect fit, the best they’d ever had. If we’re lucky, that vagina is also attached to a human you can love. If we’re unlucky, it’s attached to a person we can’t stand and we end up in a typical 1990s – 2000s sitcom.
If we’re SUPREMELY lucky, then that vagina is attached to a woman we got to marry or at least be with for a long time. But even the supremely lucky have to travel, now and again. What to do when departed from that perfect someone?
He is to make a rubber copy of his beloved’s fish taco and carry it with him in his luggage, of course. Except, no, he is absolutely not. What woman is going to lay down and submit to this nonsense?
I submit there are two potential subjects: adult film stars (who already have mass produced vulva replicas) and prostitutes (who are available wherever the lonely pervert might find himself). And that leaves only one horrible possibility… a corpse. I’m sorry, ladies and gents, but if your idea of a suitable death mask is a silicon vagina, then you need to have your sensibilities relocated several feet north.
The Glow In The Dark P***y Snorkel
I have started and stopped writing this list item three times now because I can’t stop laughing every time I imagine someone taking this gift seriously. As you may have guessed from my waxing poetic over the oral sex headlight, I am a bit of a vagina aficionado. The only thing better than vagina is imagining Sean Connery reading that last sentence aloud. Anything that can prolong the enjoyment of cunnilingus should be looked upon with reverent humility and appreciation.
Humbly, reverently and appreciatively do I therefore present to thee, the p***y snorkel. The glow in the dark p***y snorkel. Because if you can’t see find your snorkel in the dark, how will you know when to turn on your oral sex light?
Gentle reader, may I suggest that if you require this toy, then you are taking the term “muff diving” far too literally.
A Sex Doll For Your Dog (Finally?)
First of all, of course this was designed and made in France. Don’t get me wrong – Fido deserves sexual gratification as much as anyone does, but unlike most of us, Fido can lick his own genitals. Further, how hard is courtship for dogs? Sniff a bottom, mount, thrust, separate, and repeat. Sex dolls for humans kind of make sense. Sad, lonely, terrible sense. Giving a sex doll to a dog is like making fake flowers for bees. If you want your dog to get laid, just take it outside.
But let’s assume for a moment that there’s a good reason you want Bowser to hump something. Let’s say that something cannot be another dog. What dog in their right mind would look at this and think, “sex toy” and not “Foot stool?” Seriously – this thing is actually beautiful. I would put it in my living room and use it as an umbrella stand. Every oversexed dog I’ve known has wanted to love an overstuffed pillow or plush toy. None of them have attacked a curvy vase.
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