It isn’t inconceivable that men and women have been having sex since the dawn of time. And it’s also not inconceivable that men and men or women and women have been having sex since the dawn of time. And who cares who did what way back when, because we’re all here now, aren’t we? It hurts to start thinking back that far, wondering which twists of fate would’ve meant no existence for one of us… Thank goodness that the people who had sex, had sex when they did, because life is a beautiful thing and we should all be happy we have it.
So, primitive man. What was the sex like back then? What about for Egyptians? Romans? People in the Middle Ages? We had to dig deep into the archives for this one, but with the help of just a little creativity, we’ve managed to put together a list of ten of the oldest sex positions in history.
Obviously history only started being physically recorded after a certain point. And with the differences in sexual taste, sexual practices, culture, and technology, it can be hard to tell what was “explicit” in the past and what was just...people hugging. Enjoy this potent, sometimes unexpected list of ancient sex positions.
10 Up Close and Personal
9 Oh Chariot!
8 Four on the Floor
For the next depiction we pull again from the Turin Erotic Papyrus. It’s an absolute gold mine for ancient kinkiness. And the Egyptians were apparently really into this kind of thing. Good for them. Sometimes they would even attach fake penile appendages to their burial arrangements so that they could get some in the afterlife.
7 Wild Side
The next panel of images in the Turin Erotic Papyrus is a bunch of animals dancing and playing instruments. Real wild stuff, but no sex positions to see there. So let us turn to some Roman pottery instead! Things get a little beastly here.
6 Old Fashioned
5 Walk like an Egyptian
4 Girl on Top
3 Love From Afar
This deserves a spot because it was a hilariously futile thing from the Middle Ages. Or it was a heartbreakingly chivalrous thing, you can decide.
It was kind of like stalking, but since you could only do it in person and not on Facebook, it was more charming and less creepy. Stalking implies some nasty business, and this wasn’t really like that. Though the mental instability might have been present. It’s almost touching, actually.
2 Getting Your Roman On?
Men have sex with men a lot, especially in Roman times. It wasn’t even a thing that raised any attention. The Romans’ black and white breakdown of sex was not heterosexual and homosexual, it was kind of just singularly “sex.” Romans, like the Egyptians, had it right. Do whatever you want as long as it’s not in excess and does not infringe upon the rights of a man’s masculine peers. There was no judgement cast on a man who was having sex, regardless of the gender of his partner.
This is an ancient text. It was composed sometime after 400 BCE, historians aren’t exactly sure when, but they sight a range of about 600 years. This is a sex move compendium that’s still floating around today. Although, contrary to popular belief, the original Kamasutra was not exclusively a sex book. It had very practical advice for those looking to engage in sexual intercourse, sure. It also had information to help readers live a gracious, joyous life. It had advice for family living and other facets of human existence. But about 20% of it was sex positions. How to have a family and enjoy them too!
Sources: oddee.com, openculture.com, wikipedia.org, dish.andrewsullivan.com, historyofinformation.com, huffingtonpost.com
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