According to Beyoncé’s monumentally successful 2016 album, Lemonade, Jay-Z hasn’t exactly been the most faithful of partners to her. That said, Jay did one very important thing right: he put a ring on it. And as everyone knows, a ring is a powerful item, extremely difficult to break without lengthy paperwork, asset loss, and celebrity magazines picking sides with made up lies. And so you know what you do? You do what Beyoncé does. You keep on going, giving birth to three kids in total, scooping up around $1.16 billion collectively, and dealing with your inner turmoil artistically, by announcing it to the world via the means of song and dance.
Which brings us neatly onto this article. And as we are so close to Valentine’s Day, I figured it would be a good idea to analyze the celebrity couples who are crazy in love and have more money than many small countries, just to remind myself of how single and how broke I am. I hope all of these famous companions have an absolutely wonderful romantic evening, as they eat at some overpriced restaurant and exchange jewellery gifts that are so expensive, that they could pay for my rent over the course of a year. I’m not bitter or anything, I just think it’s unfair that nobody realizes how amazing I am except for my mother. Just kidding. My mother doesn’t think I’m amazing either. That’s none of your business, move along now.
15. Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith
When Jada Pinkett auditioned for the role as Will Smith’s girlfriend in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, two very interesting things happened. The first thing was that she didn’t get the part in the television series. But the second (more important) thing was that she did get the part in real life, as the couple began dating in 1995, and then got married in 1997. Since that time, both celebrities have had incredibly lucrative careers, with Jada starring in the Matrix series and singing in the metal band Wicked Wisdom, whilst Willard has become arguably the most bankable actor in the world. The pair also spawned two children, Jaden and Willow, and these offspring are already famous actors and musicians themselves, just like their mommy and daddy. I imagine this must be a relief for the adult Smiths, because it means that they can spend their collective $280 million alone. They gave you one of the most powerful surnames in Hollywood, kids, what more could you possibly ask for?
14. Kanye West & Kim Kardashian
People like to label Kanye as a talentless narcissist. And people like to label Kim as…well, a talentless narcissist too. But with a little bit of open-mindedness, one may find that this perception is, in fact, completely inaccurate. Kim Kardashian is a reality television superstar. Being the business is her business. Her every breath is part of her marketing, and this type of intense public fame would crush most people into a wet porridge, including you, probably. On the flip side, we have Kanye West, one of the loudest, most fascinating entertainers in the world, and the majority of his haters actually love to hate him, feeding his fame even further. And what’s more, the dude made Yeezus! That album is insane. Put these two superpowers together, and you know what you get? $335 million, split almost directly down the middle.
13. David Beckham & Victoria Beckham
Initially known as the poshest spice out of the rack, it would take a lot to impress a woman who was once part of the best-selling female group of all time. Ok, so how about one of the highest earning and most recognizable football stars in history? Apparently not, as when Victoria first met David in 1997, her official statement on the matter went like this: “I didn’t really know who he was. I was never into football.” Still, he obviously flashed something right, as the couple were engaged one year later, and married a year after that. Some might say that the two were a little bit quick to tie the knot, but Posh and Becks proved everyone wrong, still married with four children, 18 years later. Let’s not forget the $900 million either.
12. Ashton Kutcher & Mila Kunis
That ’70s Show launched so many careers that you almost feel sorry for the actors who didn’t break into the Hollywood mainline afterwards (hello Danny Masterson). Of that extensive cast, however, the two who truly outgrew their co-stars would be Ashton and Mila. Playing the roles of on again, off again girlfriend and boyfriend in aforementioned television series, they went their own way after the show ended in 2006, and both made many films apart, some of which were actually semi-decent! Who knows what took so long, but six years after their time-traveling TV experience back to the 70s, the couple finally reunited in 2012, getting engaged in 2014, and exchanging rings in 2015. The duo have since had two children together, which sounds like it might be expensive, but I think their joint $255 million bank account should cover most of the costs.
11. Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez
I don’t know about you guys, but when Justin and Selena got back together in 2017, I could finally move on with my life. I mean, obviously their last five breakups since 2010 didn’t mean anything, right? This time, it’s for real, surely! They should just have a baby already, everyone knows that’s how you keep a relationship together. Plus: that baby would grow up to be very good looking! Anyway, besides their annoyingly attractive genetics, these two stars have something else in common too. Money! Lots of it! Justin’s most recent album, Purpose, was the fourth best-selling album of 2015 and the 11th best-selling album of 2016, whilst Selena’s last album, Revival, also hit #1 in 2015, not to mention she served as the executive producer for the critically acclaimed Netflix series 13 Reasons Why. So what? $250 million at least, that’s what.
10. Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi
Before we get into finances, I would like to point out that Ellen is currently a 60-year-old human, and yet she looks better than some 30-year-old humans that I know. Now, certain people might be quick to accuse the television host of expensive plastic surgery, but I think it may have something to do with her strict vegan diet, her childlike energy, and expensive plastic surgery, you’re right. But whatever the reason, who cares, Ellen looks great! So great, in fact, that she totally snagged Ally McBeal/Arrested Development’s own Portia de Rossi! The two began dating in 2004, and were married four years later, reportedly still happy to this very day, living with their four dogs, three cats, and $350 million tucked away for a rainy day. I’m so pleased for the both of you!
9. Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban
When Nicole Kidman finally escaped the scaly fingers of Tom Cruise in 2001, she took her Academy Award and hid from the relationship world for a while, potentially fearing for her life due to some sort of a religious church maybe? I saw a documentary about something once? Never mind. That was until 2005, when country singer Keith Urban rode into her life on a horse I imagine, and stole Nicole’s heart with his long hair, signature guitar line, and 20 hit singles that reached #1 in the US charts. Actually, Kidman liked Urban so much, that she married him a year later, despite the fact that her $130 million contribution to their $205 million net worth was substantially bigger than his. In her defense, there’s a chance that she wasn’t aware of that at the time, as according to Nicole: “We didn’t really know each other – we got to know each other during our marriage,” which is an excellent idea. More people should do that.
8. Ryan Gosling & Eva Mendes
Even though Ryan Gosling is still madly in love with Rachel McAdams in my fantasy world, I’ll hand it to Eva Mendes that she’s a decent second. The couple met in 2011 whilst filming The Place Beyond the Pines, and rather than getting married, these two hot people decided to skip all that and go straight into having kids, welcoming daughter Esmeralda in 2014. Certain unromantic skeptics pointed out that babies often happen by accident, and maybe these two weren’t actually in love after all, but, oh, wait, what’s this? Another baby appears, two years later in 2016, second daughter, poof magic. All the while, Mendes kept designing various fashion items for New York & Company, and Gosling went on to star in every single movie ever made. The two have collected up to $76 million as they’ve gone about their business, and what’s more, they haven’t even broken a sweat yet.
7. Barack Obama & Michelle Obama
Ah, the good old days! Who can forget when the Obamas were the 44th President and First Lady of the United States? I mean, it was really recent, 2009 – 2017, so I’m guessing no one has forgotten about that just yet (even if it does feel like a million horrible years have passed since then). Anyways, let us travel even further back in time, if you can handle it, to 1989, when Michelle Robinson was working as Barack’s adviser. Reportedly, Michelle refused to go on a date with the future president despite his eager advances, but he eventually charmed the lady by promising her that, one day, he would rule all of America. I use that line often myself, but Obama actually meant it! And together they did just that, creating two children and earning $80 million all the way to the top, reportedly securing a $60 million joint book deal just the other day too.
6. Harrison Ford & Calista Flockhart
What do you get if you cross Han Solo with Indiana Jones with Rick Deckard from Blade Runner? Well, you get Harrison Ford of course, because he played all of them. Ok, but what do you get if you throw Ally McBeal in the mix too? About $254 million or so. This profitable fairy tale happened like so many before, at the 2002 Golden Globe Awards. Calista Flockhart was up for Best Actress, but she lost to Sarah Jessica Parker. Sensing a vulnerable woman in distress, Harrison Ford quickly put on a hat and sprayed himself with man sweat, ready to sweep Calista Flockhart off of her feet, which would be really easy, because Calista Flockhart is famous for being freakishly thin. It was love at first sight, and by 2010, they were a married power couple, Harrison fighting off the bad guys, whilst Flockhart represented him in court, if typecasts are anything to go by.
5. Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth
Before Liam Hemsworth played Jennifer Lawrence’s love interest in The Hunger Games series, he starred in another film that went by the name The Last Song, have you heard of it? If not, that’s probably for the best, as critics called it a whole load of names, none of which were good, and it currently sits at a 20% Rotten Tomatoes score. You would think this negative reaction would bring Hemsworth a deep emotional shame when he looked back on the atrocious contribution to cinema, but this was not the case. As it was here, on this movie set, that he met his future fiancé, the film’s main star, Miley Cyrus. Miley, of course, is an almost overly-famous superstar, with an award winning television show and three number-one albums under her belt, often recognized as one of the most popular figures in the commercial music scene. Together, their net worth comes to around $176 million, of which, $150 million is from Miley alone. Nice going, Liam!
4. Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel
One Grammy Award is about 8.65 inches tall. Justin Timberlake has ten of these awards. Which means, if you stack them on top of one another, you get a Grammy tower reaching about 86.5 inches high, roughly 7.2 feet. That’s taller than Justin Timberlake himself, who is 6-foot tall, and taller than Jessica Biel too, who is 5.5. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing. Timberlake and Biel started dating in 2007, and after reportedly only one break up, they got engaged in 2011, and then married in 2012. Since that time, Justin has released three albums, starred in five films, and headlined the Super Bowl, whilst Jessica has starred in seven films, lead the television series The Sinner, and was nominated for two Golden Globes. That leads to around $248 million collectively, and as previously mentioned, a 7.2 foot tall Grammy tower!
3. Sarah Jessica Parker & Matthew Broderick
I was going to start with a joke that went something like “the late 90s called, and they want their relevant actors back” but I figured that wouldn’t be fair. However, Broderick hasn’t done anything impressive since way before then. Regardless, Matthew did have some tough romantic acts to follow in this relationship, including Parker’s five year encounter with Robert Downey, Jr, and her brief fling with John F. Kennedy Jr. But did Broderick let this stand in the way? No, he didn’t, and Matthew eventually married the Sex and the City star in 1997, exactly 10 years after he fatally crashed his car into Anna Gallagher and Margaret Doherty, completely getting away with the accidental crime. Sarah didn’t seem to mind this little incident though, and the couple have been married for 20 years already, snuggling together with a neat $135 million between them.
2. John Legend & Chrissy Teigen
When John Roger Stephens was born, he decided his name simply wasn’t good enough. And after some lengthy thinking sessions, he concluded that the only name which could suit his overflowing talent and problematic ego, would be to shove the word “Legend” in there somewhere. Apparently, that’s all it took, and he became the big star we all know today, collaborating with the likes of Alicia Keys, Lauren Hill, Jay-Z, and Kanye West, whilst winning ten Grammys and a Golden Globe. What more could a man possibly want? A Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model, perhaps? Coming right up, Mr. Legend! John met Chrissy Teigen in 2007, and after six years, the couple got married, one child up and running, another on its way. And the money? $50 million. Which doesn’t seem like a lot in Hollywood terms, but is loads in literally anyone else’s terms.
1. Nicole Richie & Joel Madden
Lead singer from the band Good Charlotte, Joel Madden, wrote a song in 2002 which complained that the rich and famous were always complaining. This was such a big hit, that Joel himself became rich and famous, and was forced to sing that song in front of large crowds every night, basically complaining about himself complaining, just like he always complained he would. Meanwhile, in 2003, Lionel Richie’s daughter became famous herself when she starred in a reality TV show with Paris Hilton, and rumor has it, she complained all the time. At some point in 2006, the stars aligned, complained, and then these two relatively successful celebrities met, had two kids, and married in 2010. Together, they are worth $26 million, and I have no idea where that money came from, because I didn’t even know they were still alive. Lionel Richie though! Now there’s a man worth talking about! Pity I’ve run out of time.
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