There are plenty of reasons why you wouldn’t ask a woman if she had an orgasm. Maybe you don’t care (selfish). Maybe you don’t want to know (egotistical). Maybe you’re sure she did (cocky; probably wrong). Regardless of the reasons why you wouldn’t ask, there are a number of reasons why you shouldn’t ask.
Of course, there is a time and place for everything. Right after sex isn’t the best time to ask about whether or not an orgasm was achieved. It’s mostly up to you to decide the right time. Openness, especially in a long term relationship, can build trust, intimacy, and bridges to some kinky stuff. Well, maybe that last bit is up to you.
This list brings together some of the most compelling reasons why you shouldn’t ask a woman if she had an orgasm. With any luck, it will open your eyes and lead you to better, more fortuitous encounters with women. If not, well, there’s always the next article.
Take a nice long look over these ten items and see where you can improve. Don’t take it personally. If it wasn’t for an abundance of you guys wondering, we never would have made the list in the first place.
10 Focal Shift
By asking about an orgasm, you take the focus away from where it should be: On your bond. For the man, it’s easy to think of sex as a thing you do until you climax. For a woman, it’s not so simple, especially since women don’t always climax during sex.
For most women, according to ekekeee.com, it’s more about the bonding and intimacy surrounding the act of sex. If, at the end of the act, you abruptly ask about her orgasm, it diminishes everything that happened beforehand. It becomes about the orgasm instead of the intimacy built and shared during intercourse.
9 She Might Start Faking It
If you continually direct attention towards her orgasm, it could lead to some issues. Or, at the very least, it could lead to some fake orgasms. And who can blame her? With your attention directed at an “end goal” that she can’t meet (not pointing any fingers as to who’s responsible), what is she supposed to do? Say “no I didn’t orgasm”?
Easier said than done. What typically ends up happening is she’ll fake it. She’ll fake it to spare your feelings, but it is going to hurt your bedroom in the long run. What would you rather have, great sex with no climax? Or a faked climax that boosts your ego while leaving her feeling unsatisfied?
8 It Doesn’t Always Matter
According to Psychology Today, many women don’t consider reaching an orgasm an essential part of having sex with their partners. Obviously this opinion can vary greatly. Why shouldn’t a woman orgasm during sex? We aren’t saying they shouldn’t.
We will say that talking to your partner is important. Maybe she doesn’t expect to orgasm during sex. If that’s the case, pressure is off for you. It’s probably worth while to find other ways to stimulate her outside of vaginal penetration. No need to bring attention to something that won’t happen during sex, especially when it isn’t expected. But, there’s no reason not to explore other ways to take care of your woman.
7 Leggo’ my Ego
Women in a focus group, again a part of Psychology Today, brought up an interesting point. Many women will fake an orgasm for their partner’s benefit. Specifically, for their male partner’s benefit. It turns out women think their male partners need them (the females) to orgasm during sex, for the sake of the male’s ego! Can you believe that?!
Yeah, we can too. It seems to fit. As men, we end up being overly sensitive to this sort of thing. Really, the best course of action is open communication and sexual exploration. There’s no reason to have so much riding on the female orgasm during vaginal penetration. Especially when it’s more easily obtained through other means!
6 Her Ego's on the Line Too!
Men aren’t the only ones with egos on the line. In the same study, women mentioned that they feel strongly judged by their partners, particularly when it comes to the “outcome” of a bout of sexual intercourse. And it’s no wonder. With pressure being placed on them by the man to have an orgasm (so the man doesn’t “fail”) and to enjoy a sexual experience without having an orgasm (since the male’s is more important) they’re faced with a lose-lose. Unless they orgasm. Or… at least pretend to.
What’s a girl to do? Hopefully you can treat her to something nice the next time things get hot and heavy. (Hint: try clitoral stimulation!)
5 Is it Casual? Definitely Don’t Ask!
The general consensus is that it’s significantly more acceptable to fake an orgasm during a casual encounter than it is during a committed, long-term-partner sexual encounter. For a casual experience, women worry significantly about their male partner’s feelings of inadequacy, instead of concerning themselves with their own sexual pleasure. It all seems to line up. It also seems like maybe we aren’t taking good enough care of the ladyfolk.
Are we that sensitive that we can’t deal with some tips in the sex department? It’s not like anyone is “teaching” us how to do it to begin with. Maybe it’s time to tighten the belt and get to it. Or...loosen the belt and get into it. Either way….
4 Bad Fuel for a Bad Fire
If there’s already a psychologically impairing element for her, where she’s worried about orgasming, and there’s a psychological element for you, where you’re worried about her orgasming, then asking about it afterwards won’t help either of you.
“Did you orgasm?” Isn’t a productive questions after two hyper-conscious people, intently attuned to the female’s orgasm progress, have sex. All that question will do is get in both of your heads even more than either of you already are.
Find out what feels the best, and perform that for your partner. Don’t charge headlong into the same flesh-pounding exercise as always and expect different results.
3 It Could Be Personal
As a man, it’s (typically) pretty easy to spring up and fire off a load. For a woman, not nearly as much. There’s an oppressive stigma that keeps women from masturbating, and exploring their own sexuality, and “practicing” their orgasm. By “practicing,” we really just mean “experiencing.” It comes with the masturbation territory (Ha! Who doesn’t?).
There’s a strong psychological involvement behind the female orgasm. For most women, they really have to “earn it.” It requires a lot of focus and a big release. Not all women are willing to do that all the time, or it front of just any old person (no offense). There’s no shame in working up to it together.
2 Curiosity Killed the Cat
Have you heard about “the cat?” The one that was killed by curiosity?
Oh, you haven’t? Well gee, we’re sorry. We thought everyone had heard that story.
Anyway, some subjects are better left unbroached. Now the topics of sex, orgasms, and intimacy, those are subjects that should be explored, and thoroughly, with your partner. Be adventurous and be open, but make sure you talk about what’s happening and what you’re enjoying at the right time.
The time to do that, generally, is not right after sex. Savor that moment. Then ask her about her experience later on. After a good bout of sex, regardless of who orgasmed, you’ll probably both be two sleepy bears. Have you heard the story about not poking the sleeping bear? Oh, you haven’t?
1 Orgasm Concerns Beget Orgasm Concerns
It’s an unfortunate trait of the human psyche, the closer one gets to something he (or she) is worried about, the more s/he worries about it. It makes sense, of course. Primitive man needed to recognize patterns, and be able to detect them in the future. Especially if they were dangerous. What better way to remind yourself of a threat than with anxiety, nervousness, and fear?
It’s a shame there aren’t better ways. When it comes to the orgasm, the closer some women get, the more nervous they become concerning whether or not they’ll orgasm. And, if that happens, it ends up being less likely that they’ll orgasm. It is an unfortunate system, but that’s how a lot of ladies are hardwired.
The best thing to do? Make them feel relaxed, confident, and comfortable. Get them aroused. Spend plenty of time stimulating their erogenous zones, like the clitoris. And take the pressure off, by not asking about their orgasms*.
*until the time is right.