As you read this title, you probably laughed a little. If you know anything about being married, then you should know that there are so much more than a grand total of 15 lies. The act of being married requires thousands of fibs. It’s not spiteful or deliberate; it just happens. Many of us lie nearly every day. Add kids into the mix, and the numbers rise.
With that being said, we are going to highlight the most hilarious and ridiculous lies, which are both good and bad. If your marriage is in peril, please do not consider this a viable source. Seek the proper guidance from a licensed counselor, psychiatrist, or clergyman. There are plenty of idiots out there who will gladly give you plenty of worthless advice. We will only make you laugh, and hopefully make you realize that marriage can be endured. Like the old saying goes, there are three wedding rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
15 BAD Lie, “I Didn’t See Your Text”
Let’s start with one she’ll be pissed about but won’t be a deal breaker. (By the way, I’m writing this from a husband’s POV. However, most of these entries will pertain to either/both genders.) Don’t lie about texting. Don’t lie about emails either, or tweets, FB posts, or anything else that comes up on your phone. Yes, of course, she knows your iPhone settings. Your texts pop up once and then again, two minutes later. Tell her you forgot, but don’t lie and say you didn’t see it. You think she doesn’t have nearly the exact same phone. We all know how this game works. She knows her modern-day technology. Don’t insult her intelligence.
14 OK Lie, “Sorry We’re Busy”
This is one example of what women will ask you to do constantly—lie for them. And you’re lying for yourself too, no doubt. You want to keep her happy, and odds are, you will agree to decline when somebody you both don’t like asks you over for dinner. Seems a bit rude and it doesn’t always happen, but some weekends are just too busy. Or, you know the kids will be a wreck if they have to stay up at some family’s house with their psycho kids. So your wife will say, “Forget that! I hate them.” And then, you will have to politely reply, “Sorry, we’re busy that night. How about next week?” Then, the next week, you’ll be busy again and again. The other couple will eventually get the hint, but until then, it will be a bonding moment with your wife to joyfully dupe them.
13 BAD Lie, “The Car Is Fine”
Sometimes, you will find that history repeats itself. And lies in marriage often seem quite familiar to the lies you told your mom years ago. Take the car for example. Did you ever wreck your parents’ car as a kid? If they found out, you could lose car privileges, so you pretended like nothing happened and said the car was fine. Well, guess what? Now, the next time she drives it, she’s going to hear that something is off. When she gets home, she’ll be pissed, and it’s not even because you lied but because you put her in danger. You could have killed her with that malfunctioning machine. Yes, some people are deathly afraid of vehicles. They also may believe that a flat tire on the side of the road is a serial killer’s dream come true.
12 OK Lie, “You Look Great”
This one is a classic and probably the biggest cliche on the list—the forever relevant “Do I look fat in this outfit?” Of course, you’re going to say, “No, hon, you look great. Have you lost some weight?” This is a no-brainer, guys. If you don’t know this one by now, then you are in big trouble. There is a thing that spouses like to do called “fishing for compliments.” They throw the hook out there, and it is your job to bite it every...single...time. Now, if she’s comparing outfits and asking you which one she looks better in, then you can be a little more honest. But still, end up agreeing with her in the end, or else face the consequences. If you’re too opinionated, she may ask you to go to the mall again and again and again, and that is hell on earth.
11 BAD Lie, “I’ll Remember Next Time”
Okay, dudes, if you got busy at work and forgot it was Valentine’s Day, no sweat. Just pop in the flower shop the next day, buy the roses on sale, and claim you were just saving some cash. That sounds lame, I know, but the alternative is worse. Don’t say, “I promise I’ll remember next time.” That just makes everything more complicated. It sounds like you were really heartbroken that you forgot and that you let her and yourself down too, which makes you look like a grovelling chump and gives the impression that you care too much. Then, when you forget again the next year, she’ll be so pissed since you put on such an emotional show. She’ll think you’re pathetic and worse, a liar. Don’t lie about a lie. Tell her you forgot, you’re sorry, and then move on.
10 OK Lie, “I Love That Food”
Many dudes have fallen into this trap. There’s a classic tale in my family lore about years ago when my dad was dating my mom. He showed up at her parents’ house for dinner and was served homemade oyster stew. And this stuff is ridiculously gross. It’s like a gallon of whole milk, a ton of salt, and a handful of slimy canned oysters. The stuff stinks up the whole house and tastes worse with every spoonful. Add to that the fact that my dad was largely lactose intolerant. His stomach must have been on fire. But guess what? Pop ate the stew; every bite, and then he asked for seconds. And my mom loved him for it. She knew the stuff was gross, but his daring won her over. So, if she wants to go to, say, an Indian restaurant and you hate Indian food, buck up and swallow it down. Or, if she cooked a dish herself that was putrid, eat it. Don’t complain once. Politely tell her a few days later that the food did not agree with you, and she’ll be flattered that you endured it for her.
9 BAD Lie, “I’ll Be Right Back”
This is a classic that most dudes have been doing for eons but drives their spouses crazy. Women want to know where you are at all times. It is a nesting instinct that most spouses carry. Sometimes, it goes both ways, and the guy wants to know where the woman is too. They want to know that you are safe and sound and that you’re not partying too hard or hanging out with an unapproved friend. So if you say, “I’ll be right back,” but then you go to the bar for two or three hours, she’s going to be super pissed off. Another one is texting, “I’m on my way home.” But then you don’t go home for what seemed like forever and forget to text her that fact. Meanwhile, she thinks you are bleeding in a ditch somewhere, are off cheating, or that you got murdered.
8 OK Lie, “The Carpenter Did It”
Here’s a pretty crafty lie that may win you favor if you’re into the whole do-it-yourself thing, which many homeowners are. Let’s say there’s a fixer-upper job that you can do, and it only takes you a few hours to do it. But, do remember that if you think it will take you two hours to fix, it’s actually going to take four because stuff always goes wrong, and there is always a hidden variable. That said, you get a quote to do the job and it’s thousands. So, you take a half day off from work and do the job yourself. When she gets home and marvels at the new door installation or whatever it was, tell her that a contractor did it. She will rave about it and say what a good job it was. Then tell her you actually did the job, saved a grand, and she’ll be even happier. Warning: With shoddy craftsmanship, this idea can totally backfire and easily wind up in the bad lie category.
7 BAD Lie, “I Thought I Told You About That”
“Remember? I’m playing poker with the guys tonight. I told you that, right?” Oh, man. We’ve all said this one before. The reason that you never “got her permission” earlier this week is because you both know she would have shut it down. Dudes do this all the time, and she totally notices. “Oh, wait. Don’t you remember? I’m going to the ballgame tonight.” The fact is that you already went to like ten ball games this season, and she’s getting sick of it. In her mind, five ballgames was plenty, and now she is getting angrier every time you’re gone. If you were honest with her, she never would have gotten this mad. Now, not only is she pissed, but you’re also ruining a certain sport and the reputation of whichever friend is involved. Just give her as much notice as you can instead of dropping the bomb on her at the last second. Hard to do, I know.
6 OK Lie, “That Gift Was So Expensive”
One is usually a cheapskate in the couple, right? Well, sort of, but not really. It varies with what product we’re talking about, but both parties like to spend some cash on something. For instance, she may like spending big bucks on a fancy restaurant, while most dudes would rather just grab a burger. Meanwhile, she might be happy with a cheap Bud Light, while the dude is driving fifty miles to a brewery to buy some crazy expensive limited release IPA. But when it comes to buying gifts, don’t get cheap, which is easier said than done. Most dudes hate shopping, especially for clothes, and when they do, they may tend to visit the clearance rack first. If that happens, though, and you find a deal, buy it. Later, when she says, “Oh, this was too expensive?!” Just shrug like, “Anything for my girl,” and she’ll eat it up. A few days after that, when she starts freaking out after balancing the checkbook, you can tell her you got a deal on her gift. She’ll be happy. Everybody loves a bargain.
5 BAD Lie, “The Kid Is Fine”
Here is our first (and pretty much the only) entry that pertains strictly to children. After all, most married couples do have kids. It’s kind of the whole point of getting married, right? So, you have an awesome time on the honeymoon, and next thing you know, there’s a precious little baby waking you up at 4AM with a messy diaper. But you two bond over that child, and you love her and the child more than anything. So, if something happens to the kid, don’t hide it. This sounds awful but it happens. Guys hide stuff, especially when they know they screwed up. If the kid wipes out during your watch and bashes his head on the sidewalk, don’t just comb his hair over it and pretend that it didn’t happen. Tell her immediately. She’ll over-worry and drive you nuts, but she must know. What if, later, the kid barfs and passes out? That’s a concussion. You’re at the ER like, “Oh yeah, that’s right, he did have a little fall earlier.” Seriously?! Now the trust has vanished.
4 OK Lie, “That Movie Was Good”
Movies are odd. What one person adores, another person thinks is awful. But guess what? It’s not that big of a deal. It’s only two hours long. And there has to be some endearing quality of the film, right? After all, if it made it into theaters, there were hundreds of people involved and millions of dollars spent. It must be good in some way. Try to focus on that one percent of the film that was decent. Afterwards, when you’re discussing the film and she adores it, just nod and smile. So, what if it was a period piece set in the 1400’s yet the soundtrack was ‘90s grunge and the protagonist constantly used the word “like.” Get over it. She loved the film. Let her enjoy her moment. Don’t ruin your date night. They don’t happen often. Tell her you loathed the film on another night.
3 BAD Lie, “I’m Okay To Drive”
Oh boy, now this is a bad lie for a husband and wife, father and son, grandma and teen, or whatever relationship there is. We don’t want to get too preachy here, but drinking and driving is always a bad idea. But, it had to be on the list because it directly affects a marriage in so many terrible ways. Of course, there are the obvious consequences. Someone could die. You could be injured. What if the kids are in the car? The car gets totaled. Even if no serious damage occurred, what about police involvement? Mom’s gotta tell the kids that Daddy spent the night in jail. If money is tight, legal fees could kill a marriage. It’s just bad. Get real. Take an Uber or even call her for a ride. Sounds pathetic and she’ll be pissed, but not for long.
2 OK Lie, “Having One More”
Let’s forget the driving drunk thing for a moment. Let’s say you live in the city. No cars needed. You’re walking to your next-door neighbor’s house or something like that. Super close by, no need for worry. You get a text that says, “Home soon?” and you reply, “Just having one more.” Well, you might as well put a smiley face on that one because it is such a blatant lie that it’s comical. It’s such a cliche that she’ll laugh and say, “Yeah, right!” You might as well be honest and text, “Honey, I’m having a great time and probably won’t be home for hours.” That’s the basic translation of, “Having One More.” She may be slightly disappointed that you’re not tucking her in that night, but hopefully, like most spouses, she takes the hint and goes to bed alone, without too much protest.
1 BAD Lie, “She’s An Idiot”
Here is another marriage killer—cheating. Some dudes do it. It’s a sad truth. And women do it too. Usually, from the beginning, the spouse has a feeling that something is going on. She’ll be honest and confront her husband, “What’s up with so and so?” He’ll say, “Oh her? Please, she’s so annoying.” And that’s the first lie in the series of increasingly dishonest deceits. He’ll put the mistress down when he’s actually falling for her. Then, the affair gets heavier and snowballs into a passionate betrayal. Then the guilt and shame come into play, and none of it is healthy. Sounds like a movie, but stuff like this does happen. The only way around it is to be as honest as you can from the very beginning. If some girl at work is flirting, tell your wife about her. Your wife will then point out every weakness of that woman with such cunning precision that, soon, the potential mistress is very unattractive. And don’t worry. Such temptations will soon be ancient history. You’ll get old, fat, and ugly, and have the face that only a wife could love.