Rainbows and unicorns? Yes! Macaroni and cheese? Sounds amazing! Baskets full of puppies and kitties? Hell yeah! Bring it on, because we are so ready! If it’s happy, whimsical, or squee-worthy, sign us up. So much of life is “meh,” so, when we get the opportunity to forget our troubles and enjoy something truly spectacular, we drop whatever we’re doing and go have ourselves a good time.
But, if you apply Newton’s Third Law, it stands to reason that there are things out there that are every bit as horrible as these things are delightful. While wonderful things like soft pretzels and merry-go-rounds exist, horrible things like clowns and spiders exist, too, to offset their wonderfulness, and to make those things even more enjoyable. There are a lot of things that make us happy—but there are also a lot of things that make us pee our pants. Check out these 18 photos that will make you say, “Nope!”
This article is brought to you by our friends at TheThings.com.
“Congratulations, kids! You sold more candy bars than any other class in the entire school, so you’re going to get that class vacation! But, unfortunately, because the teachers and staff also want a vacation, they have been forced to use some of the money that you earned to take their own vacation. That means your class vacation will be more of a class field trip. Still, you have a lot of fun destinations to choose from! Okay, two. You have two destinations to choose from. Also, they aren’t what you might call “fun,” they’re more “horrific.” Alright, are you ready to hear about the two locations?”
“I’ll take that as a yes. Okay, we can go to the spider farm—ooooh! Sounds great, doesn’t it? Or, we can visit the nuclear power plant! Those are the only two options, though, because they’re both on Nope Lane, and that’s nearby, so it saves on gas.”
“STAN!!! Stan, the break room is on fire! I tried to microwave my cell phone because I read somewhere on the internet that it makes it charge super fast. But it didn’t work, and the microwave exploded! It’s a matter of minutes before the whole floor is engulfed in flames! You have to pull the fire alarm, Stan. I can’t do it. You remember, last week I had my hands replaced with tennis balls. I don’t have fingers, anymore. I can’t pull the fire alarm. Stan, you have to do it! Please, hurry!”
“You know, Fred, microwaving your iPhone, having your hands surgically removed and replaced with tennis balls—if we make it out of this alive, we need to discuss your life decisions.”
“No time! Pull the fire alarm.”
“Oh, alright. Fine. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. You’re evading the subject. Well, alright. I’ll just pull the fire alar—AAAGGGGHHHHHHH! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!”
Wow! Working for National Geographic must be so great!You get to travel all over the place, and see famous landmarks. You get to try new cuisines, and learn new languages, and meet incredible people. You get to experience the wide variety of cultures that this beautiful world of ours has to offer. What other job could possibly be that? National Geographic puts you out there. It gives you the chance to become one with nature. What a thrilling opportunity!
But, uh, apparently working with Nat Geo isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We had no idea that getting chased by bears was in the job description. At first, we thought that we would be able to deal with this minor detail. But, upon reflection, we don’t think we can get over this. We can’t outrun a bear. So, instead of working for Nat Geo, we’ll just stick to watching their channel and reading their magazines.
When you’re sitting in your coach seat on a plane, and you’ve got a bratty kid sitting behind you, kicking your seat and pulling your hair, you’re not going to be in a good mood. Even when the flight attendant brings out those little packets of peanuts and the tiny bottles of booze, those things aren’t really going to make up for the fresh hell that you’re currently residing in.
However, as bad as things may be, take a moment to appreciate that this isn’t the view that you have from your seat’s window. Be grateful that you do not see a plane mechanic using duct tape to secure one part of the plane to another part of the plane. While we are firm believers that duct tape can fix anything, we have to say, we think that it’s reached it’s limits here. So, if you look out on the tarmac and see this happening to your plane, get off.
14 Not Gonna Happen
“All aboard the Nope Train, bound for Nopeville, Nohio! Here on the Nope Train, we put safety third, placing reckless endangerment and convenience at the front of our list. Our train isn’t actually a train, it’s a rickety old cart made from old pallets. But, there’s no doubt that our train is even more uncomfortable than a conventional locomotive! The death rate for our *ahem* “train” is higher than any other railway in the world. Come ride with us, it will be the last thing that you ever do!”
We have a sneaking suspicion that a ride on the railway cart that runs on this track has a tendency to go downhill fast—literally. That wash out under the tracks, there, doesn’t exactly instill confidence in the passenger. Personally? We’re going to say, “Nope!” to a ride over this railroad. And, if you aren’t a fan of sliding off the side of a cliff, we’d recommend you turn it down, too.
13 Naw, Fam
The day that we walk out of the door and see this happening on the street in front of our house is the day that we leave everything behind, take on an assumed identity, and never look back. We’re not ready to live in a world where guys take their pet snakes out for an evening walk. That’s just a bit too metal for us.
In our line of work—which mostly consists of making fun of people, and being sarcastic and borderline passive aggressive—we are often presented with WTF photos that provide us no back story. And since we know next to nothing about the circumstances behind the pictures we see, we have to come up with a story ourselves. We like to think that these two guys are rivals competing in a pet show. The guy with the Great Danes is a shoo-in, but the guy with the snakes is going to be a real contender.
12 Not A Chance
These hellish spider webs are starting to make parking tickets look pretty good. “Oh, I ran the meter over by fifteen minutes? Sure, I’ll pay the fifty dollars. It beats the hell out of having to wade through a thicket of black widow spider webs just to get into my piece of crap Chevy.”
This is Australia, right? We bet that this is Australia. It’s got to be. Everything is crazy, Down Under. Sure, they’ve got adorable kangaroos and koalas. But they also have nearly one-hundred kinds of venomous snakes, humongous bats, and all manner of spiders. Seriously, Australia, what were you thinking? Filling your country with plague levels of insects and creatures that are not only deadly, but also incredibly terrifying, seems like a questionable move to us. We don’t mean to criticize, Australia. You’re free to do you. It’s just that we’re going to say, “Nope,” that’s all.
11 Mmmm. How ’Bout ‘No’?
Gah! Dammit, you guys! We thought that we all agreed to do whatever we had to to free this world of puppets. We know that it’s going to be a difficult process, but we’re committed to the task. You should be to. It’s going to take time and perseverance. But without determination, we will continue to live in a world where abominable puppets (such as the one in this picture) continue to exist, and to plague our nightmares. We must unite. We must come together and vow that we will snuff out these dastardly puppets. If we don’t, bad things will happen.
We’re super disturbed by this creepy AF puppet. But we’re also disturbed by the fact that some guy wanted to buy shoes for it. Why would you do that? Gasp! Maybe that puppet told him to do it! Oh, no! This demonic thing must have a hold on him. Someone help!
10 No Thnx
Ah, fishing. What a great way to relax, unwind, and get in touch with nature! After a long, hard week of commuting to the city, and spending all of that time sitting in traffic, dealing with rude people, and breathing in smog, you need to get away. You need to forget about all of that for a little while, and remember what it’s like to really live, you know?
If you’ve never been fishing, then—stay the hell away from Lake Nope, because you’ll look over the side of your boat to see this. Then, you will promptly pee your pants, assume the fetal position, and you’ll be stuck in your boat in the middle of the lake with no way of returning to snake-free civilization.
So, do you think that this sight is better or worse than seeing a mechanic duct taping your plane just before take off? We can’t decide.
ARTICLE CONTINUES BELOW
9 **Shakes Head Vigorously**
You guys probably think that this is just a horrifying photo of a bunch of Ronald McDonalds on their way to a pervert clown convention. But, coincidentally, this is also the last known photograph of the woman seated on the left.
Cheryl Perkins was on her way home from work when she unknowingly boarded a subway car brimming with Ronald McDonalds. Eyewitnesses state that Cheryl tried, desperately, to disembark, but the sliding doors closed, and the subway made its way back down the tunnel. The minute she took her seat, Cheryl could feel the eyes of a dozen clowns boring into her very soul. They watched her as a lion watches a wounded gazelle. She knew that she wasn’t safe. Here, we see Cheryl trying to take a picture of her attackers with her phone. When the subway arrived at its destination, the doors opened, and Cheryl was nowhere to be found.
8 Nope, Nope, Nope-A-Roo
We like how the person who wrote the caption for this picture is all like, “Yeah, we don’t have winters in Florida. But that’s only because we have something even better. We’ve got these giant green lizards that will kill you as soon as they look at you. And, yeah, they’ll grab you with their powerful jaws, lined with incredibly sharp teeth. And, sure, they’ll maul you and eat you. But, you have to admit, this beats the hell out of winter!”
You know, person who wrote the caption to this photo, we’re starting to think that you have a pretty warped sense of what’s fun. Here, let us help you. Sweaters, snowball fights, and sipping hot cocoa by a crackling fire—fun. Walking down the street in 90-degree heat, sweating your ass off in the humidity, and seeing an alligator climbing a chain link fence—terrifying. Once again, we have to say, “Nope.”
7 . . . Nnnnooooo? Yeah, No.
Okay, what the hell is wrong with the guy on the right? Why are you looking over the side of your precariously placed hammock, man? Are you trying to fall to your death? Get it together! This is a life or death situation, here, and all you can think to do is tempt fate by putting yourself on the edge of the bunk, thereby shifting the weight in gravity’s favor! If their parents knew what they were up to, we bet that they would be in so much trouble. Maybe we should tell on them . . .
Considering the fact that this picture makes us want to cry, we don’t think that we’ll be camping on the side of a mountain anytime soon. In fact, we’re going to play it safe by not camping at all. We’ll stick to blanket forts in the living room, thank you very much.
6 Not Even
Ah, yes. The Clown Motel, located in scenic Nopelahoma. Alfred Hitchcock filmed a horror movie there, called Face Paint and Foul Play. The film was never released, but we managed to get a private screening. Here’s a summary:
A young woman stops at the Clown Motel for a room. She meets the owner, and hears him arguing with his mother. The girl goes back to her room. While she’s in the shower, the mom sneaks up on her and stabs her! The guy finds the crime scene, and cleans everything. A few weeks later, a private investigator shows up. Long story short, it turns out the motel owner killed his mother ten years ago, and he adopted her personality as a coping mechanism. He’s been dressing up like his mom and talking to himself in a feminine voice. Every time he meets a pretty girl, his “mother” alter-ego rears its ugly head, and he kills them.
No, wait. Sorry, that’s Psycho.
5 WHAT PART OF “NO” DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!?!?!
“Now this is a great plane! It’s got everything that a pilot might want. It’s got the propeller on the front, and the two wings on the top, and the wheels.”
“Ah, that’s a nice feature. The wheels make landing so much easier. Hmm. So, is there any significance to the letters written on the side of the plane?”
“What? Oh, those! Yeah, see, those were the last words of the previous pilot, right before he. . .”
“Right before he, what?”
“Um, right before he, uh, landed the plane perfectly and everyone survived! Haha, what did you think I was going to say? Right before he lost control of the plane and crashed into those trees over there, where he and his passengers were torn violently apart, and their bodies have never been found? Hahaha! Don’t be ridiculous!”
“On second thought, I think I’m gonna go with the helicopter with FTW on the side, instead.”
4 Coconut Crab? How About Coco"No" Crab?
To tell you the truth, we have never fully been on board with the whole idea of crabs. Did the world really need flat, red, hard creatures with strong, pinching claws? No. Of course not. And, yeah, you could argue that the reason why crabs exist is because they’re delicious. But the truth is, they’re not. Crabs aren’t delicious. It’s the five gallons of butter that we dip them in that is delicious. Since it’s socially unacceptable to run around telling people that you eat butter for dinner on special occasions, we disguise our love for the dairy product by masking it with a love for crab.
Crabs don’t have a lot going for them. They pinch you, they’re barely palatable, and they even have an STD named after them. And now that we’ve found out that they can climb trees, too? Well, “Nope,” that’s all we’ve got to say.
3 No Way In Hell
We can’t tell where this curvy ramp goes, exactly, but we would bet you five bucks that it goes straight to hell. Well, not straight to hell because, as you can see, that’s a very windy route. So, really, it’s more of a leisurely stroll to hell. It’s a sophisticated downward spiral into the fiery, brimstone abyss. And, like this Tumblr user pointed out, it’s wheelchair accessible!
See, hell was really run down for a long time. It simply couldn’t afford to make the updates. Then, hell got some funding, and it was finally able to do some renovations. Hell now has a lovely kitchen, with custom cabinetry and granite counter tops. At the devil’s insistence, hell also has a man cave. The budget also included this terrifying ramp, which makes us say, “Nope!” If hell has any money leftover, it might have some landscaping done. But it’s touch and go, right now.
2 LOL NOPE
Screw you, Little Miss Muffet! Cindy ain’t afraid of no spiders! Heck, she loves arachnids. They’re her friends. She invites Charlotte and all of her friends over for tea every afternoon. Take that Miss Muffett, you tuffet-having, curds and whey-eating hussy!
Gah! Will someone please get this girl some dolls, so she won’t be forced to have a tea party with a bunch of tarantulas? Doesn’t she have teddy bears or something? For the love of Pete, somebody do something! This poor child is taking tea with pests! She needs some stuffed animals and an exterminator, stat!
But, you know, that girl actually looks pretty happy about having a tea party with eight-legged creepy crawlies. Maybe she’s Spiderman’s daughter, or something. Maybe those spiders are her minions, and they do her bidding. If that’s the case, then we should probably all start being really nice to spiders from now on.
It’s all over, guys. Finished. Kaput. This is the end. The apocalypse is nigh, and there is nothing that any of us can do about it. So long, everyone. It was nice knowing you.
We like to think that we’re generally pretty positive people. Oh, sure, we like to complain and nay-say every so often. But, deep down, we’re optimists. That is, we were. That all changed when we saw the pictures of these hell beasts. These terrifying Crocs/Ugg boots hybrids were spawned in the depths of hell. They dragged their loathsome, worthless bodies up through the muck and mire, in order to terrorize us with their vile, contemptible design. Well, congrats, Crocs/Ugg boot mutants. You’ve succeeded in your endeavors.
The scariest part about these stupid, stupid shoes is that if they hit the shelves, people would buy them. They would wear them. And, do you know what we would say if that happened? “Nope!”
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