15 Ways Your Girl Is Turning You On (But You're Too Dumb To Notice)

Are you missing out on hot action because you are just not reading the signals your girlfriend is putting out? Well, if so, read on. Girls sometimes do and say things that they THINK should turn you on, but it goes right over your head. It seems like guys are too "something" to notice. Sometimes, it's her body language and what she's doing with her "assets." Sometimes, it's flashing you a bit of skin or undies. In the sack, she does things she thinks will turn you on even more. And do you notice? Probably not. See, she gets this stuff from her girlfriends and those silly women's magazines, like Cosmopolitan. You know, "10 Sure Fire Ways to Turn Him On" or "How to Drive Him Wild With Desire." Most of it is drivel, but women don't know that. If you want a good laugh, read one of those articles when she's not looking. Or take the piece with you when you next meet up with your mates for a drink. It'll be a real hoot. Get ready for 15 things your girlfriend is probably doing to turn you on, but you are too dumb to notice. This piece will save you a lot of grief.

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15 Bend And Snap

One of the funniest moments in 2001's Legally Blonde happens when Reese Witherspoon's character, Elle Woods, is showing the ladies in the beauty salon how to attract a guy. You "accidentally" drop something and then you bend over to pick it up, thereby showcasing your bum. And, when you stand up again, you give a little "snap" that emphasizes those boobs. "Works every time," Elle says. Now, your girlfriend is probably not snapping, but you can bet she's bending over to give you a view of her assets—top and bottom. So, cleavage and booty all at the same time. This little maneuver is done to best effect in tight jeans or, better yet, short shorts. What do you do? Well, don't ignore it. Give her backside a pat and smile your best sexy smile to show that you appreciate the show.

14 She Orders A Dessert To Share

Sharing food and spoon-feeding you food is sexy to a girl. And, she thinks it should turn you on big time. It's the shared intimacy of eating that sweet, sweet dessert together that she just knows is going to send you into a hot and h*rny fit. Don't see it? Look at it this way: food is love for girls. Food is a way of sharing. And that last course–the dessert–comes just before you finish the meal and leave for sexy pursuits elsewhere. She believes it brings you closer together. She is convinced that it unites you before you go off and jump in a sack and get united for real. For goodness' sake, don't complain about having to share a dessert. You're missing the point. Go along with it and rub her arm and her thigh. Get all hot and bothered. You'll get a second dessert later.

13 The Tongue As A S*x Symbol

So, you are out with your girl, and it's a hot summer's day. "Let's get some ice cream...in cones," she purrs. And she's licking away. Like really licking. And maybe she's looking you in the eye before giving a long, long lick of the cone, like with her whole tongue. It's a kind of body language signal. She wants to get it on, plain and simple. The tongue is a symbol for something we hope you keep zipped up safely. And, if she offers you to lick her cone, take a long lick while looking her straight in the eye. Let her know that you are turned on, even (especially) if you are not. Otherwise, there will be a fight, and you will just end up apologizing.

12 Strutting Her Stuff

She's walking down the street like some strutting model on a catwalk, hands on hip and wiggling what she's got. She looks almost angry. Then, she whips off her sunglasses and turns to face you and bends over just a little so you appreciate the T & A that she's got going on. No, she's not auditioning for America's Next Top Model. She's trying to turn you on by doing what the models do and strutting her stuff. Then, she trips and falls and lands in a heap at your feet. Whatever you do, don't giggle or laugh; even if you think it's dead funny. The best reaction? Give a little wolf whistle and tell her how smoking hot she is. And then, help her up.

11 She's Faking It

Faking what? You know what. The big moment, the climax, the fireworks. Why on earth? Well, she thinks if she doesn't moan and groan and pretend to reach the big moment, you'll be upset. She thinks that if she fakes it, you'll get even more turned on. What she doesn't know is that as you "do it," you're probably lost in your own world and are not really noticing what she is or isn't up to. You're not thinking, "Was it good for you, babe?" You're thinking yes, yes, yes. She's doing her best Meg Ryan imitation hoping to turn you on even more and you're not even noticing? Wise up! Afterwards, ask her if it was good. She'll purr about how you were amazing and mind-blowing and what a stud you are. What's so bad about that?

10 Peek-A-Boo Underwear

You're out and about with your girlfriend. She's got those tight hipster jeans that you love so much on her. Then, for no apparent reason, she bends over exposing that pert little backside of hers and something else. What? Her bright-colored thong (or sexy Calvins). It's peeking out from the top of her jeans. You know, the red hot red one she was wearing "that" night. Is it just an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction? Don't be silly, man. She's trying to remind you of that night. She's trying to turn you on. Ignore it at your peril. Assuming you're in public, an appreciative pat on her bum or a gentle tug on the thong will be enough to guarantee a real treat when you get back home.

9 She's The Predator

Now, pay attention. Girls think that guys like s*xually aggressive women. They don't understand the "Me Tarzan, You Jane" thing that most guys swear by. Sure, it's great at first if she's grabbing you all over and dragging you into bed. But, it gets old and it's like she's trying to control things and you. And pretty soon, guys resent it. It can hit them in their testosterone-driven ego. Don't go there. You'll end up saying or doing something you will regret. Now, what you need to understand is that the women's magazines are telling her to be s*xually aggressive because it will turn you on. Here's something to think about: Maybe (just maybe) you need to up your game and drag her into the sack more often. And, put a little kink into it with a toy or some such.

8 Up Close And Personal

You and your girlfriend are standing outside a cool restaurant reading the menu. Or maybe you're posing for a "together" picture. Then, she ever so slightly moves in so that your bodies are barely touching. Then, she moves in a little more. What the heck? She's trying–via body contact–to get you hot and heavy. If she goes on to put her hand on your shoulder or your chest, she's also claiming possession of "her" man. What should you do? Well, you can't "do it" in public unless you want to get a guided tour of the local jail. But returning the intimacy by sliding your arm around her waist and giving her a peck on the cheek or a quick nuzzle of her neck will insure that when you get to the "dessert" course, you'll be in for a big treat. The closer she gets, the more she wants "it."

7 The Damsel In Distress Ploy

This can take a lot of different forms, so watch out. It can be the "oh dear, I just can't figure this out and need your help" ploy. Or, she can manufacture a little crisis so that you ride in and save the day. She thinks if you feel like her knight in shining armor, you'll get all turned on and hot and heavy. Yes, we think it's dumb too. But watch out if you ignore it because she's going to be one mad girlfriend. The thing is that you have to tread a careful path because if you "take over" things, that's going to make her mad too. If when it's all over, she smiles and looks into your eyes and tells you that you are wonderful, you'll know you got it right. If she walks away mumbling swear words and unfriends you on Facebook, you'll know you got it wrong. Yes, of course, you have to apologize...and fast.

6 New Perfume And New Clothes

This usually happens when you've been together for a while, and the first lust has passed. You know, you have settled in and are comfortable together. At least, you are comfortable. Maybe you're not paying as much attention as you once did, or maybe you are just "going through the motions" in the sack. Trust us. She'll take that as a criticism of her when really, it's your issue. So, make certain that you can spot her old perfume and know what clothes she has hanging in her closet because if she is wearing a new scent or a new tight-fitting tube top and you don't notice, you'll be in big trouble...like BIG T-R-O-U-B-L-E. You're supposed to notice, act turned on, and compliment her for being so hot. Like, "Take your clothes off now babe" is the way to go.

5 She Wants To Play Pool

WTF? What has playing pool got to do with trying to turn you on? Well, you have a long wooden stick called a cue. It's kind of rounded like a club at the top. You have holes you put things in. You have to bend over and display your cute backside and, if you are a girl, some cleavage. To girls, pool is a sexy game. A few years back, England's Prince Harry got into all kinds of hot water when he and some hot young things were playing strip pool in a Las Vegas hotel room. Yes, there were pictures and videos. If your girl wants to play pool, you might try to float the idea of strip pool. Of course, only in the privacy of your own locked room. And besides, a pool table is a nice flat surface you can do "stuff" on after the game. Oh, let her win!

4 The Food Seduction Ploy

So, your girlfriend shows up at your place for a movie night with red wine and cheese. She wants to get you in the mood and turn you on. And, if she offers to cook for you and insists that you put your feet up and sip wine while she bends over the stove and refills your wine glass and cuts off little pieces of cheese that she feeds to you with her own little hands, she is playing a big time seduction game. She finds some grapes and insists that you lay on the sofa while she feeds them to you one at a time; or maybe, it's succulent strawberries or chocolate. In girls' minds, all of this is like their own little mini o*gy. You know, the master and the slave girl fantasy. Don't disappoint her. Get turned on. Or fake it...somehow. Otherwise, it's going to be a bad night.

3 She Wants To Dance

Dancing is a girl's subtle foreplay. So, she turns on some music and tells you to get up and dance with her. Do you get irritated? No! Dancing is a way of "doing it" standing up as far as a babe is concerned. She'll probably start off a little distant and then come in closer and closer and closer. Your job is to act excited and turned on. If you don't, she'll probably get the hump and go off in a huff. How dare you NOT be turned on by me. That's exactly how she'll see it. Then, you'll have to pretend to be sorry, and she'll be all distant. And, it's worse if she's also put on some nice music and lit some candles and you're still not going with the flow. Remember, she's seducing you and if you don't get hot and bothered, she's gonna take it very personally.

2 Those Texts

Now, hopefully, if she s*xting you and sending naughty selfies, you are going to get the point. She wants to turn you on. And, the sight of those pictures probably does just that. But sometimes, she'll go all subtle on you and text you a picture of the two of you together. She's not wearing much. The sight of all that skin is supposed to turn you on. Or, she'll text and mention a dinner that you remember was topped off by some hot s*x on the floor. That's supposed to turn you on. Or she'll say, "Can't wait to show you my black thong." That's also meant to turn you on. With girls and texts, you can't delay. Like waiting a minute to respond is way too long. The simplest thing? The universal good reply is, "You're hot." Works every time.

1 She's Messing With Her Lips

You are face to face talking about nothing much. She is smiling ever so slightly. Then, she chews on her lip. Or maybe she tugs on her lips or puts a finger to her lips. Then, she slowly licks her lips. Beginning to get it? No? She's getting you to focus on her lips for one reason and one reason only. "Kiss me you fool," she is saying. Odds are, if you ignore this little subtle game of foreplay, she could get pissed off. Now, if she starts sucking on her finger, even the dumbest guy would get that one. She probably is saying, "Take me to bed, like now." So, what should you do? Kiss her hard and head for the bedroom. Pronto! Or maybe right there on the floor. Do not try this in a public place! There are laws against that kind of fun and games.

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