He is in the friend zone. There is no escaping the friend zone. Once he is admitted to the friend zone, there is no release date. There are no conjugal visiting hours. Nothing. It’s a black hole of nothingness.
Who ends up tossed in the friend zone? Well, contrary to popular belief, it isn’t just the nice guys or the girls that are just “one of the guys” that end up in the friend zone. There are over 6 billion people on the planet, and it’s an inarguable fact that you will end up being friend-zoned at some point in your life. Yes, it’s sad. Here’s a Kleenex. Now get over it.
According to a study done by scientists at Michigan State University, the short-term egotistical a*sholes might seem like they skip out on being friend-zoned but in the long run, Mr. Nice Guy does prevail! Yes, the nice guy actually gets the girl. He just needs some patience. The study only looked at nice guys and bad boys, but we can assume it applies to the girls that are “one of the guys.” The Barbie doll with the personality of drywall will eventually grow tiresome, and he’ll crave someone that he can converse with.
It’s difficult for guys and girls to know if there’s mutual chemistry, and if there’s chemistry, is it s*xual chemistry or friendship chemistry? If a girl is nice to a guy, does that mean the girl is ready to jump in bed with the guy? No. If a guy says “Hey!” to a girl, does that mean he’s ready to take her to meet his mom? No.
Unfortunately, you are here because you need to figure out a way to put a guy in the friend zone. How and what exactly do you need to do to make this happen? It would be great if you could just pack all the guy’s crap into a U-Haul and physically move him to his new permanent residence on Friend Boulevard, but no. This takes some psychological mind tricks. Without further ado, here are 15 Ways To Tell Him He’s Been Friend-zoned. These are surefire ways that have been proven to work time and time again.
15. “You’re Invited!”
Inviting the guy in question to go on a girls’ weekend getaway, girls’ shopping trip, or come-over-for-a-chick-flick-night is a great way to send the message to the guy that you consider him to be nothing more than “one of the girls.” If you considered him to be a potential partner or love interest, you likely wouldn’t be inviting him to hang out with you and the girls, would you? You would likely want to hang out alone together. You know, doing what guys and girls that are interested in each other or like each other more than friends do.
14. I Have A Favor… (Can You Pick Up A Box Of Kotex Pads For Me?)
“Can you make a run to the store and pick up some chocolate-covered strawberries, whipped cream, and contraception? I need it for tonight.” If he gets asked this question and he knows that none of the items are for him or will involve him in any way, shape, or form, well congratulations, he is now aware of his perma-friend status.
Contraception is a good one to have him pick up for obvious reasons. But, if you’re not quite ready to take that leap, other friend-zoney type things you might need to have him pick up include feminine care products, lubricant, shaving cream or Midol.
13. Intimate Life
He is your new s*x therapist. Go to him to discuss your very active life between the sheets that he’s unfortunately not now and not ever going to be a part of. Don’t even skip out on the salacious details. The more details you provide, the better it is.
Yes, it will be undoubtedly be uncomfortable for him (and probably for you too). And does it all have to be true? No. Of course not! Throw out some stuff from 50 Shades of Grey if you have to. Hopefully these therapy sessions won’t last too long and he finally takes Elsa’s advice. He’ll be humming “Let Her Go!” in no time, and you’ll be free from having a friend that drools all over you uncomfortably 24/7.
12. You Should Date My Friend!
Try to set him up on dates with your best friend, your sister, your cousin’s sister, heck even the friendly barista at Starbucks! Everywhere the two of you go and you see another girl, make a comment to him about how he should go up and ask her out on a date.
Now, if you see guys out and about, make sure to make comments about their physique or their hotness rating. He needs to see that you have zero interest in him as anything other than a friend. You want to see him with another girl. You want to get with guys that are not him.
11. Fashion Stylist
It’s date night and you need to decide which outfit you are going to wear tonight. You want something that will knock your date’s socks off. Time to ask your best guy friend for his opinion!
Call up your guy friend and ask him to come over because you need his opinion urgently. Show off our best figure-enhancing looks and ask him to decide which one you should wear because you really want to ‘wow’ your date. You really think this guy might be “the one!”
Is this a cold-hearted move? Yes. Does it kind of make you a b*tch? Yes. But, if you really are trying to get the point across that you want him in the friend zone, you’re going to have to set the emotions aside and just do it.
If you ever start talking to a guy and you begin with “Awww,” you are talking to a guy that’s either in the friend zone or awaiting his inevitable one-way ticket to the friend zone. There are no exceptions, ifs, ands, nor buts about it. He’s friend zone material. And you just can’t deny it.
“Awww” is something you say when you find a lost puppy or kitten or watcha chick flick like The Notebook. It’s not something you say to someone that gets you hot and bothered. So, if you want him in the friend zone, it’s time to pull out the “awww!” Use it as much as you can, whenever you can. Is he showing off his rippling abs? “Awww!” Did he get a brand new 2018 Mustang GT? “Awww!”
Ask him to dog or cat sit. Maybe you are going on a Caribbean cruise with another guy or going to party it up in Vegas for spring break? It is a total friend zone move to ask a guy to babysit your fur baby.
Make sure to leave detailed instructions: How much does he/she like to be walked? How much food and water (measured to the exact inch)? How does he/she like their steak cooked? What part of the bed they sleep on? What’s their favorite bedtime story?
You are trying to look extremely unattractive to this guy. Seeing how you treat your pets better than royalty and seeing how anal retentive you are about certain things is definitely going to raise a red flag. He might actually now start to question whether you are in fact the girl of his dreams!
8. Movie Night
Okay. Sometimes, it’s nice to have a good guy friend to relax with on a Friday night and binge-watch American Horror Story. For God’s sake, whatever you do, keep the physical contact minimal! Keep your hands to yourself.
Movie night is kind of a grey territory as it is because some guys view this type of hanging out as being a couple thing to do.
Make sure that you dress (…and smell!) like a Guns N Roses groupie who hasn’t changed clothes and only bathes in patchouli. Pull out some of the oldest dirty clothes you have from your dirty clothes hamper. Ditch the makeup and any personal hygiene products. It goes against every female bone in your body but remember you are doing this for the good of mankind!
7. Turn The Tables
So this guy is really driving you crazy with his desperate attempts to be more than friends. You’ve tried other methods to get him to stay put in the friend zone but they haven’t worked. What should you do? Turn the tables on him. This method is not for the faint of heart or those that wear their emotions on their sleeves. It also requires a bit of ingenuity on your part.
If you’ve ever seen the romantic comedy How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days starring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson, you know how to do this. You are going to act like a needy, whiny, outrageous nutcase. Text him constantly. Fill his Facebook wall with ridiculously cheesy memes and love notes. Text his friends asking his whereabouts. Schedule lunch dates with his mom. Buy some baby name books and leave them laying around his room. Subscribe to Bride magazine. Get creative!
6. Meet My Friend…
“This is my friend…Steve.” Introduce him as your friend. Be clear and concise about it, leaving no room for interpretation.
“Oh this? This is Steve…he’s like a brother to me!” There are literally millions of ways to tell him that you really do enjoy his company and like him but there’s no romantic feelings there. It should be done in front of people as he is more apt to take what you are saying seriously. “Oh…she just told everyone she likes me like her brother…well then…” Take it easy on him but be firm about it. No beating around the bush. It’s kind of like when you’re trying to take off a band-aid. If you go slow, it hurts worse than if you just rip it off. So, just count to three and rip it off!
1:02 AM: Hi. How are u?
1:04 AM: Hey! I’m doing great! How are you? Any plans tonight?
The above is an example of what not to do. You’ve heard of the Ten Commandments, right? The ones the bush of flames told Moses to write on the first generation I-Tablets, “Though Shall Not Steal,” and all that jazz. Well, there is a friend zone set of Ten Commandments for Texting that must be followed too.
If he texts you, unless it is an emergency (e.g. his head fell off), then do not reply for at least 72 hours.
If he texts you after 9 PM, you do not reply at all.
No emojis shall be used in texts.
Do not use nicknames or pet names.
Do not text the word ‘love’ in any form, not even a heart icon.
Do not text silly selfies. What you find silly, he might find sexy. Don’t change it. Just say no to selfies.
Do not text pictures of puppies or cute animals.
Do not get lonely and/or act on hormones and text him at 2 AM for a casual hook-up.
Do not text “Good Morning!” as it is morning and he could have something else on his mind. A guy’s testosterone levels peak in the morning which causes certain involuntary bodily responses to occur.
4. Personal Assistant
He is your new personal assistant. Beyonce has one. Kanye West probably has like 12. Why not you? Start giving him orders and outrageous demands. Don’t ask for his advice or opinion on anything. Also, don’t say words like “Please” and “Thank you.” Yes, it might be challenging at first to act so out of character but you’re on a mission to make this guy the mayor of Friend-Ville.
It’s 5 AM, you look outside and see that a foot of snow has fallen on your car. Do you go out there and brush it off? A big fat no! You call him to come brush it off. Oh, so he lives an hour away? Well then, he better get on the road and pick you up a Starbucks cinnamon soy latte on his way over. You put the ‘B’ in the b*word!
3. Gang’s All Here!
He invites you out on a date. You don’t want to hurt his feelings so you say “yes!” The catch is that you must invite all of your friends. That’s right. Invite everyone. Create a Facebook event and mass-text everyone in your contact list just get as many people to go on this ‘date’ as you possibly can.
When he shows up to find you and…100 of your closest friends, he will get the hint that you view him only as a friend. On the off-chance that he doesn’t get the hint, this guy is going to need it spelled out for him. You are just going to have to take a deep breath and tell him you view him as a friend and that there is zero romantic interest in him.
2. “Yo Dude!!”
You call him “Dude” or “Bro.” You need to reinforce the idea that you are just buddies. There’s nothing different between you and his guy friends other than the fact you can’t join them in the men’s restroom.
Use words like “Dude” or “Bro” and slap him on the back a few times when you see each other. Note, the word ‘back’ not ‘butt’. Channel being ‘just one of the guys’ whenever you’re around him. If a guy belches, you belch too. If a guy farts, so do you. If a guy calls the football announcer an expletive, so would you!
1. TMI Can Be A Good Thing
This is a tricky one to pull off because it could go one of two ways. He might be so shocked that he trips and falls into the friend zone or he might be flattered that you feel so at ease and comfortable around him that he believes he is one step closer to getting down on one knee!
Activities or things that you do in private are fair game when using this method for destination friend zone. These things may include but are not limited to answering mother nature’s call, grooming various parts of your body, nasal irrigation, filing callouses off your feet, etc. One personal activity that is absolutely 100% not to be used under no uncertain circumstances to help put a guy in the friend zone is showering or bathing! These are off limits for obvious reasons…unless you routinely take showers or baths with your guy friends.
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