Here’s a newsflash for you: your girlfriend isn’t perfect. We know, we know, she looks and sounds like she is. In your eyes, she may well be. But she isn’t. As much as she may pretend that it is the case, your girlfriend does actually have all of the natural bodily functions that any human does. She has a human digestive system, which means that occasionally gas builds up inside her body and needs to be released. Yes, boys: your girlfriend farts.
You might not realize this fact because she is so adept at hiding it. Even when she passes a nuke, she tries to pretend that it wasn’t the case. You might not have noticed that anything happened at all, and if you did, you might have thought that someone or something else was to blame. That’s just how good girls are at holding in, hiding, and covering up their bottom burps.
Men seem to think that this is some kind of witchcraft or sorcery, but we’re here to tell you that it’s all just old-fashioned willpower and sleight of hand. Actually, you could be just as good at doing it too, if you hadn’t grown up with buddies who thought that any emission from your backside was the height of comedic genius. We’re not revealing any trade secrets here – just letting you know about the 15 times your girlfriend let one rip without even causing you to bat an eyelid. Prepare to be enlightened, those of you who are uninitiated!
15. When She Was Walking And Made Lots Of Sudden Noises
One thing that happens to us all from time to time is the unexpected fart. You’re walking along totally unsuspecting, and then one of them just toots out of your behind without consulting you at all. The noise might be a crack, a squelch, or buzz – whichever it is, there are a number of reactions you can give. A woman who fears she has been heard might suddenly start making other noises as if to prove that it was a natural noise, and not that she was dropping stink bombs. These might include clacking heels on the floor loudly all of a sudden, cracking or popping a phone case, gum, or purse closure, coughing as if the sound came from their throat, and so on. The intention is to disguise the first noise, which you may not even have noticed, with other noises that follow it. Not a great plan, but born from sheer panic.
14. When She Suddenly Froze
If your girlfriend is leaning, bending, or even just walking, there may come a time when she lets out a honker without meaning to. While some will panic and move around frantically as if to cover it up, others will freeze completely still. She is basically waiting to see if you heard or smelt anything, at this point. If you are going to say something about it, she will probably collapse from embarrassment. If nobody says a word, then it will most likely wear off quickly, and she will go back to whatever she was doing. While you might be wondering why she stopped moving like that, she is probably inwardly thanking her lucky stars that you didn’t notice. If this happens and you did notice, the kind thing to do would be to pretend that you didn’t to put her back at ease so she can carry on as normal.
13. When She Pretended To Wonder Where The Smell Came From
Sometimes, a woman can give out a little rattler which doesn’t make any sound at all. When this is the case, the only thing to worry about is whether it was of the silent but deadly variety. In this case, there will be a nasty smell that everyone notices immediately. In this case, playing dumb is going to be her last possible way out of the situation. She might look around, wrinkle her nose, and even ask about where the smell is coming from, particularly if you bring it up. One of the real master techniques is to lean forward and pretend that the smell is stronger around you than it is around her, thus misdirecting you into thinking it came from behind you rather than anywhere near her. If you’re with a woman who can pull that off with a straight face, you know that she ought to be acting on the stage!
12. When She Didn’t React At All
Playing it cool is often the best way to deal with a lot of things. Having a ripper come out from you when you expected it to be a quiet one, or didn’t know it was coming at all, is one of those things. Sitting perfectly still and quiet as if you didn’t even hear (or smell) anything is a good way to fool those around you. However, beware of a girlfriend that plays it altogether too cool. If the noise was unmistakeable and she doesn’t stir an inch, you might be looking at the culprit. The girlfriend that can do this without a flicker of emotion is one seriously cool cucumber – the kind that could be very useful to have around the table at those embarrassing family dinners when every single relation of yours seems to be going out of their way to be awkward or annoying.
11. When You Left The Room For One Minute
If you leave your girlfriend alone in a room – to answer a call, or to fetch something, or to pop to the shop quickly, for example – she has a prime opportunity to release a booty bomb without you ever being the wiser. Girls like to wait until there are no witnesses to their crimes against the earth’s atmosphere, so they will be sure that no one is around before letting it go. Of course, this can backfire significantly. If you forget your keys, or drop back into the room quickly to ask her a question, you might find that you discover more than you bargained for. The gentlemanly thing to do is to pretend you haven’t noticed the extra smell which invaded the room since you were gone. If she looks a little sheepish or even startled when you reappear too quickly, this could be a very good reason why.
10. When She Held It In Agonizingly Forever
Because girls want you to think of them as perfect, many aren’t willing to break wind at all if they think that there’s any chance you might notice. If you have been together for a long time, perhaps a whole day, and she has started to look a little more serious as time has gone on, this might be because she is silently holding it all in. It’s no easy task to keep hold of gas that wants to escape your body. You start to feel bloated, and then constricted, and then it’s downright agony trying to keep it inside. But a lady will continue to do so right to the bitter end if it means not having to let go in front of you. That’s just how dedicated they are to making the right impression, even if you are already dating – or even if you are already married.
9. When She Coughed Or Made Another Loud Noise To Cover It
Here’s another way to help cover up a little toot from the behind. If a girlfriend of yours suddenly starts to cough loudly in what seems to be a fake way, it might seem a little odd to you. Is she trying to tell you something, or what? If she insists that the coughs were real despite them not sounding right, then perhaps she was trying to cover up another noise coming from her body. That putt-putt can be covered up by a well-timed cough, though it’s only someone with a daring attitude that tries this. Coughing too forcefully can actually cause the sound to come out louder and stronger, which means that you are more likely to hear it in spite of her efforts. Don’t let on to the fact that you know. If she’s that shy about it, then pointing out that you heard it anyway will only leave her feeling mortified.
8. When You Were Sleeping Side By Side
Lastly, there’s one time of day when everyone ends up letting up a squeaker or two. That’s the night, when you are sleeping and no longer in control of your own body as much as you used to be. When you spoon your girlfriend in the night and fall asleep clasped tightly together, there is something in the region of a 100% chance that she has let out a whopper directly onto you. You were sleeping too, though, so hey – it doesn’t really count, does it? It’s a beautiful point in any relationship when you can let her do that when she’s asleep and you aren’t yet, and you don’t even feel grossed out by it. You can suppress the urge to move away, or even to rib her for it in the morning. You love everything that comes out of her, toot or otherwise. Altogether, now: everybody say “awwww…”
7. When She Made An Excuse To Be Alone
If your girlfriend makes an excuse to slip away on her on for a moment, you might just think that it’s nice of her to go up to the bar and order the drinks for a change instead of always expecting you to do it. But her altruism may be a façade that allows her to do the deed quietly and as far away from you as possible. See, a girl doesn’t mind so much if a random stranger thinks she is a butt trumpet – but she definitely cares if you do. So in the scheme of things, she’s more willing to risk it around someone else. If she makes an excuse to be away from you for a moment that you wouldn’t normally expect her to make, this could be a sign that she just needs to hang back and give a little cheek squeak somewhere that you won’t hear it.
6. When You Thought The Dog/Your Best Friend/Some Random Guy Did It
You’re standing in a queue, or a club, or just a park with some friends. A group of others is nearby, and your girlfriend suddenly makes a disgusted face in the direction of some random guy who has their back turned to you. “Ew,” she whispers to you, “that guy just passed a nuke.” Of course, it’s a lie. Blaming it on the dog is another great way to make herself seem totally innocent. Strangers and animals can’t protest their innocence when she accuses them. You’ll throw shade in the direction of whoever you think is the culprit, while your girlfriend remains smug in the belief that she’s getting away with it. It’s the perfect crime. Since you can’t identify a fart’s perpetrator by smell alone, she can use this excuse any time a suitable scapegoat is close enough by to make it work. Think about that next time!
5. When She Asked You To Get Something From The Other Side Of The Room
When your girlfriend feels a bit of flatulence coming on, she may not be able to trust that she will be able to move without letting it out. This is particularly relevant if she is already seated. So, now she is stuck with a dilemma: she can’t hold it for long, but she can’t get away to a private place either. The solution is asking you to go and get her something from the other side of the room, or another room entirely if possible. While you are gone she is free to let out the gas, hopefully in a silent manner and without any resulting smell. Then, when you get back, the deed is done and you didn’t notice a thing. It’s a great way for her to release the gas without you knowing, so maybe don’t question too much next time she asks you to do her a quick favour.
4. When The Music Was Loud Enough To Cover It
The smell and sound of a bit of hot wind doesn’t matter when you are in a place that will cover those things up. Imagine being in a club together – the noise is so loud you can barely hear each other shout, let alone small noises coming from her backside. There are so many people around that the smell could come from anywhere, too. Standing on a dance floor might just be one of the best places for women to let loose with as much gas as they like, since no one would ever be able to call them out on it. This has probably happened to you many times without you being aware of it at all. It’s not just clubs, either – live music concerts, bars, places where everyone is applauding loudly, and so on, all provide the perfect cover. The only problem is when the noise stops suddenly and unexpectedly.
3. When She Slowly Slipped It Out
There’s a manoeuvre that many people are familiar with, a compromise between letting it all out and letting that gas build up inside you to uncomfortable levels. There are many names for it, so we’ll just describe the way that the technique is done. The idea is to let out just a tiny bit of gas at a time. When you unleash a small amount bit by bit, you can assess whether it will make any noise as well as whether it will smell. Once it seems safe on both of these counts, it’s possible to let out a little at a time until it is all gone. That way, no one is any the wiser, and your girlfriend also doesn’t have to feel that horrible build-up. However, there is some risk involved with this technique. If the first little slip makes a loud noise or a tell-tale stink, your girlfriend might get caught – and she hasn’t even uncovered the tip of the iceberg yet, which means holding the rest in is a must.
2. When She Had To Rush To The Bathroom
If your girlfriend suddenly rushes to the bathroom now and then, but claims not to have gastrointestinal problems, then it might be that she isn’t running over there to actually use a stall. There are some women and girls who are so shy about their bodily functions that they have to hide away in a bathroom before they can cut one out. It’s fairly sad that this is how they feel, particularly when men and boys are more encouraged to allow their bodily functions to rule them. Still, at least they are being thoughtful and considerate of others by going over to the place where such functions are designed to be carried out. It would probably be healthier for them to try a few other options from this list, but we’re not here to judge any method that makes people feel comfortable about letting go of gas that might otherwise be painful.
1. When She Was Uncontrollably Emotional
There are times when a woman can’t keep as much control as she normally does. These times are when she is most likely to let go of some gas without meaning to. It’s hard to stay in control of every part of your body when you are laughing hysterically, for example, and this is more true the longer it goes on for. In this case, she might just start laughing louder in an attempt to try to cover it up (or to cover her embarrassment if you have pointed it out). The same can happen when she is crying. Basically, if a woman has something intense to focus on, how is she supposed to hold in gas at the same time? If it wants to get out, it will get out. Just think about this carefully before your next tickling session. It’s not just about your comfort, but hers too.
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