Your girlfriend dumped your butt, kicked it to the curb, and left it there to look as stupid as a butt left on the curb would. You may be desperately down in the dumps, but don’t you wonder what she is going to do now that she is free of your idiotic (and often inappropriate) jokes, ripped (and often smelly) underpants, jerky (and often broke) friends, and rotten (and just often) beer breath?
Your friends are trying to convince you that there are plenty of fish still left swimming aimlessly in the sea, and eventually, one beautiful mermaid will wash ashore and fall in love with you. But after being embarrassingly and upsettingly dumped, it can be difficult to imagine that another chick will ever put up with your shenanigans. If your ex left you, then why would anyone else find anything about you that’s even remotely appealing?
Whether you are devastated to have been dumped or you’re kinda glad the relationship ran its course, no matter how much you want to deny it, you’re probably wondering what that b!t@h has been up to since the dumping took place. She’s the one who dropped you like a hot potato, so you’re probably assuming she’s not all too broken up about it.
Here are 15 possibilities as to what your ex is doing post-relationship. And please, assume she’s partaking in one of these 15 and restrain yourself from stalking her Instagram account. Seeing her super-sexy post-breakup “revenge” pics will only make you feel worse.
15 Tackles Tinder
Now that she’s done with you, it’s time for your ex to explore the other gents out there in the world looking for love, or at least a meaningless hook-up. Tinder is the perfect place for her to swipe to her heart’s content until she matches with a fine-looking fella to help her get over her last relationship’s woes. The options are nearly endless, so she can flick through her options until she hits the bullseye. And if that date’s a dud, back to Tinder she shall head to match up with another horny hunk seeking a freshly-free female for a little fun. Just hope she doesn’t stumble upon your newly-created Tinder profile. She’s already pissed at you enough and the last thing she wants to see is your foolish face.
14 Takes a “Dip in the Lady Pond”
After her hellish relationship with you, your ex decided to put men - the gender entirely - on the backburner and give a little girl-on-girl lesbian action a try. A refreshing “dip in the lady pond” is just what she needs to finally tune in to her untapped sexual desires and innermost fantasies. After years of ho hum “missionary” style with you, she is now interested in what else is waiting for her out there. A little lovin’ from the ladies will make her feel desired and free. And no, she is absolutely not interested in having you join them for a threesome. Rent a movie and take a cold shower. Why would she subject you to another woman after your relationship went south?
13 Goes Back with Her Ex
Once your ex broke up with you, she got to thinking that the guy she was with before you wasn’t all that bad after all. You showed her what she really wanted, and it was him, not you. She will promptly contact Brad, Johnny, or Tony, let him know that she has missed him terribly, and they will be back together in weeks. Before you know it, her “single” status on Facebook will go back to “in a relationship,” but this time the relationship won’t be with you. If only you hadn’t constantly accused her of pining for her ex while you were together, then maybe she wouldn’t have found your insane jealousy so irritating leading to her dumping you.
12 Blasts You on Social Media
You royally sucked as a boyfriend and your ex wants the whole damn world to know what a big fat loser you are. Therefore, she will publically blast your ass on social media, letting everyone in on your shortcomings, failings, and all-around lousy boyfriend behavior. She’ll add cryptic quotes, female power photos, and delete all the photos of the two of you when you were happily together. Fellow man-haters will join her crusade and virtually curse you out to back her up. Perhaps you cheated on her, never paid for dinner, called her mom the “B word,” or constantly played video games with your equally-loser-esque buddies. Whatever your failure was, she’s making it public. Good luck finding a new girlfriend.
11 Chops Her ‘Do
We’ve all seen it before. An everyday gal with flowing long hair dumps her guy and wants a fresh new look. The best and most obvious way to achieve it is to get a super-short and edgy new haircut. Heck, she may even dye her locks a new color. From blah brown to ravishing red or brassy blonde to bold jet black. She will post endless pics of herself taken from various angles to show off her newly cropped ‘do on all of her social media pages, update her profile photos, and wait for the compliments to roll in. The new and improved version of your ex will make you do a double take and you’ll get even sadder realizing how hot she really is.
10 Gets in Shape
After all of those months vegging on the couch with you stuffing your pie holes with Doritos, your ex wants to rid herself of those extra pounds – just like she did by getting you out of the picture. She’s going to join the local gym, take some Pilates classes, give yoga a go, and power walk in the park with her girlfriends after going for kale and chia smoothies. She’ll monitor her steady progress with precision and post her “before” and “after” photos to reveal her six-pack abs and toned thighs. Why she couldn’t look this good while you were together will give you pause, but her extra weight was probably due to your cheapskate dates to Pizza Hut and all-you-can-eat greasy Chinese food buffets.
9 Takes a Vacation
Remember how your ex always talked about traveling to The Netherlands, or Hawaii, or to her cousin’s place just outside of Seattle? Well, now that she’s got a lot more free time on her hands and can travel at a whim, she is off for that long-awaited vacation she had been dreaming about. You may have been planning your future honeymoon destination while you were still a couple, but now she is seeking out all the cool singles’ bars and the hottest clubs to meet someone new. While you’re still sitting at home eating the same crappy frozen pizza in your stretched out underwear and watching reruns, she is off drinking, dancing, and exploring ‘till dawn. Check out her Facebook page to see how much fun your ex is having, then call your mom so she can console you.
8 Goes “Au Naturale”
Now that your ex doesn’t need to impress anyone with super-silky skin or the illusion of barely-there makeup that really takes hours to apply, she’s finally free to be herself and let her body just be. No more shaving every morning, and forget about lip gloss and gloppy mascara. She’s going to grow out those underarms, let her toenails get ragged, and allow her hair fall in whichever direction the wind takes it. The superficial is out the door and she’s going to stop worrying about being seen as a perfect specimen. Sure, her legs may look like those of a caveman and her “unibrow” will be frightening, but at least she can finally feel comfy in her own skin. You never gave a hoot if your pits stunk, so now’s her time to shine.
7 Gets Fat
Finally your ex can indulge in decadent hot fudge sundaes, greasy chicken strips, and loaded French fries without you pestering her about how fattening these foods are and how they’ll make her look like a beached whale. Why should you get to eat whatever you want and she always felt the pressure to order side salads and poached tilapia? Curves are all the rage now, so she’s going to plump up and fill out in all the right places. There are plenty of men seeking a full-figured woman and she knows it. No more green smoothies and non-fat fro yo for your ex – she’s ready to take a big bite of a cheesy burrito with extra sour cream and guac. Her new and improved tubby rump will show you what an ass you were for screwing up the relationship.
6 Goes Back to School
After coming to the realization that her relationship was a bad personal choice, your ex-girlfriend may decide to make some improvements in her career path as well. She may opt to head back to college to further her education so she can get a better job, make more money, and up her status. She saw what a slacker you were so she wants to make sure she’ll never have to rely on a goober like you in order to make ends meet. Before you know it, she’ll have her Master’s degree in whatever her pursuit was and you’ll still be stuck at that same dead end job. And without you tying her down, she may have gotten “hot for teacher” too!
5 Moves Away
Not only did your ex need to get you out of her life, but she needs to be sure she never has the chance of running into you at the grocery store or at the gym. The town you both live in will forever remind her of your failed relationship, so she is quickly packing up and moving out. She will restart her life fresh, meet new friends, get a better job, and seek out a new (hotter) guy to become her new and improved boyfriend. Don’t expect any postcards and don’t count on getting an invitation to her housewarming party. Even if she has to live back home with her parents for a while, it’s still far better than being anywhere in your proximity.
4 Sells Your Crap
Remember all that junk you left at your ex’s house but were too lazy to come over to get it? Well she’s no longer letting you back to retrieve it, so it’s her property now. And what does she want with your old baseball jerseys, reggae and pop CDs, and other odds and ends? Maybe these things don’t appeal to her, but money does, so she’s going to hock your stuff for a few bucks. She doesn’t care what their real value is, because to her, these items of yours have no value at all… just like the relationship that once was. Heck, she may not have gotten anything out of her time with you, but at least she can pocket a few $20s and call it a day.
3 Gets a Puppy
When you were still with your ex, she constantly complained about your lack of affection and overall mopey attitude. She surely won’t find those bad attributes in an adorable new puppy. She will adopt a cutie pie and smother him with adoring kisses and rub his little belly with all her love. Her puppy will always run to greet her with a big puppy dog smile and loving eyes. He will sleep cuddled close to her every night and they will become lifelong companions. You will be quickly forgotten as she spends all her free time playing fetch with Fido and awarding him with tasty treats. If you’re lucky, she will introduce you to her puppy as long as you pick up his poop.
2 Stops Drinking
After breaking up with you, your ex will come to the conclusion that her judgement must have been seriously impaired to have decided to commit to a relationship with someone like you. She will quit any type of drinking cold turkey, vowing to never have even a sip of wine or beer ever again. She’ll order a Virgin Mary with brunch and toast to special occasions with sparkling cider. Heck, she won’t even cook with wine or dare to order penne a la vodka at her favorite Italian restaurant. Her new sober way of living will allow for her to find a decent man who she’s proud to bring home to introduce to her parents. She may no longer be the life of the party, but at least she’ll never fall for a flake like you again.
1 Becomes a “Sugar Baby”
After unsuccessfully dating you, your ex decided that pairing up with men ought to be a business transaction rather than a romantic one. You broke her heart and will to find “the one,” so she is going to make some major cash, live luxuriously, and trade her sexuality for something far better than what she got out of dating a dud like you. She may meet an older (and richer) gent online who is seeking a hot young thing for “companionship,” and she will get handsomely rewarded with expensive yachts, yards of diamonds, and sexy fast cars. She won’t be young forever, so she will take advantage of this opportunity while the iron’s hot. Hey, ya gotta make a living somehow, no?