Most people prefer texting. A text is direct and straight to the point and can be a great way to communicate, all while avoiding the awkwardness that comes with phone calls. But sometimes texting goes horribly wrong. The wrong text can ruin a relationship. If she texts “I love you” and you respond with “Go Packers!” then maybe there’s a chance that the relationship isn’t going to last. But there are lots of other ways that a text can cause major problems. Words get misconstrued, jokes get taken seriously, and suddenly, you find yourself changing your Facebook status from “in a relationship” to “single.”
This is a list of things you should never ever text your date or partner. Some of these are auto-corrects that decided to pop into the conversation at the worst possible moment, others are incredibly petty, and some are perfect as long as your goal is to make your date run screaming the other way. Most of the people on this list will never be able to dig themselves out of the hole they just buried themselves in. Basically, if you want don’t want your date to think you’re a horrible human being, then don’t send them any of these 15 texts.
15 I Found The Man I’m Going To Marry
We’re not sure if this belongs on the “what not to do” list or the “what to do if you hate your date” list. This girl has a seriously stealthy approach. She could just outright reject him, but she’d rather go to the complete opposite extreme and send him running. Poor Tony just doesn’t know what hit him. She jumped straight from “had a good night out” to “let’s get married.” If that doesn’t scare him off, then nothing will; and then this girl will have a real problem on her hands! We wouldn’t recommend sending this to every one-night stand because eventually, she might find one lonely soul who blindly accepts the proposal. But as a smooth way of pushing away those clingy boys who don’t know what they want, this next-level text works wonders.
14 I’m Gonna Give You A Big Hug And...Kids?
So, yeah. Flirty-texting with your girlfriend about the weather is maybe not the best time to offer to impregnate her. To be fair, this a totally understandable typo—the “d” and “s” keys are right next to each other on the keyboard after all. It’s actually kind of hilarious to read what the guy actually wrote: “I’m gonna give you the biggest kids ever.” Like, what does that even mean? Giant babies? Six-foot toddlers?
Hopefully, this couple is past that first-date weirdness where an awkward text can totally ruin everything. It seems like this faux pas just made for a good belly laugh for both of them. But man, don’t tell your date you’re going to give her kids instead of a kiss. Just don’t.
...I mean, until she’s ready. Then have at it.
13 It’s Over...But What Is It?
If you’re going to text your girlfriend/boyfriend/friend with benefits to tell them that the game’s over, you better make sure they know you’re talking about the game! This is one of those little misunderstandings that can quickly turn into a big misunderstanding...that can quickly lead to you spending the next month at home in bed crying as you wonder where things went wrong. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad—poor Tony got broken up with over being too lazy to type five extra letters.
We hope Tony and his girl are able to sort things out, but judging by the way she clapped back, these two are going to have issues for a while. Then again, maybe it’s for the best that he learns what she’s been up to with his brother. Honesty is the best policy, right?
12 I Want Payback! (Part 1)
One thing you should never–absolutely never–do is ask for your date to pay you back for the drink you ordered for them. That drink was an investment, sure, but some investments just don’t work out. Do you ask for a refund if you go to a baseball game and your favorite team happens to lose? No, you put your money in to see the game, and even if you might feel a little gypped, you understand that you got what you paid for.
Buddy, we get that you feel used, but that’s life. You had exactly five seconds to ask for your date to pay you back for the drink you bought her—when the bartender came by to pour the next round. After that, it’s curtains for both your drink money and your chances of ever getting with this girl.
11 I Told My Dad...
It should go without saying that you shouldn’t ever text your date that your dad is on the way over to beat the living crap out of him. But really, if you find yourself in that unfortunate situation at all, then please, PLEASE, don’t couch it in an innocent-sounding text that insinuates things are getting serious. That’s just mean. This girl is basically trolling this guy and then sending in the troops.
I mean, I guess it depends what he did to deserve it. We don’t know the whole story here. Maybe the girl’s really pissed off at the guy for something that happened on their date. But if it was just a matter of a father who wasn’t ready to let his daughter go, then this kid just got a broken heart to go with his soon-to-be-broken arm.
10 Get Me Out Of Here! Oh, Wait...It’s You
How does this happen? If you’re on a horrible date, then it makes sense to text your friends for help. But how did this girl not double or triple-check her phone before she hit “send?” I mean, maybe she did it on purpose. Maybe she didn’t know how to tell Aaron that she didn’t like him straight to his face so she hid in the bathroom and “accidentally” texted him.
But if this actually was an accident, then this is mortifying. Imagine the awkwardness that will hang in the air after she makes her graceless exit from the bathroom. These two non-lovebirds will stare at each other, both not knowing what to say. The girl will hastily grab her stuff and shove it into her purse and say she has to go. Aaron will shrug and awkwardly show her to the door, and then they’ll hopefully never see each other again.
9 I Hate Jazz But I’m Into...What?
That took a turn for the WTF. Like so many teens, these two kids were just happily bashing jazz and bonding over it when suddenly, things got real gross. Like, real gross. I’m not sure how we got from jazz to necrophilia, but when you consider that most of the jazz greats are long since dead, maybe thinking about them while texting a girl he was trying to get with made his mind go to some weird places? I don’t know.
Pro tip: don’t tell you date you’re into doing it with dead people. Just don’t...ever. Have all the bad BO in the world, say you have a crush on your sister, have a bedroom piled knee-deep in McDonald’s wrappers—all that is way more acceptable than this.
And note that this girl instantly shuts him down with “don’t txt me again.” This poor guy got auto-corrected right out of the conversation.
8 I Want Payback! (Part 2)
What is with guys asking girls to pay them back for drinks? That’s just a whole next level of petty. On the one hand, times are tough, as most young people are working service jobs just to scrape together enough pennies to pay the rent. But, on the other hand, it’s a coffee. How much can a coffee cost? Even the most elaborate Starbucks latte construction can’t run you much more than 10 bucks, can it? Is ten bucks really worth the humiliation of admitting how much of a poor, broke, cheapskate you are? Even if this guy wins the battle and gets his money back, he’ll lose the war when this girl tells every other girl in town what a pathetic loser he is.
7 I Miss You...Already?
There are a few basic don’ts when you’re on a first date. Don’t tell your date you have commitment issues. Don’t tell your date you’re actually into another guy/girl and are just here out of desperation. Don’t tell your date you’re deep into hard drugs.
And then there’s this: don’t scare your date off by getting super clingy before you’ve even gotten through the first drinks. There’s a certain rapport that has to be built. You have to hit it off. You have to find a way to start bonding. Then, once all that has happened, you go home together and get intimate. And then, after a few weeks of bonding, maybe–just maybe–you can unleash the clinginess. Or, better yet, be your own person and let the other person be theirs, and maybe you won’t send men running away at all.
6 I’d Like To File A Facebook Complaint...And Tag You
This one should be so obvious it shouldn’t need to be said. If you’re complaining about your bad date on social media, don’t tag the person sitting across the table from you! (Or, maybe better yet, put down the phone and talk to them and maybe the date won’t be quite so awful. But then again, maybe not.)
How does this even happen? It seems like if you’re on a date with someone who was on your friends list, you’d be extra careful of who you tag in your complaint post. Everyone’s accidentally tagged someone once, but did this guy have a fake name in person or something? It almost seems like this woman tagged him as a way to non-confrontationally tell him that she wasn’t interested. It’s one thing to be on a bad date and too awkward to admit you’re not feeling the chemistry, but tagging the guy? That’s just sneaky.
5 Who Are You And What Are You Doing With My Simon?
Yeah, I’ll bet you had a great time together, especially if Simon didn’t mention his girlfriend. To be honest, there’s nothing wrong with the texts either of these girls sent. One was just innocently looking for a second date, while the other was just hanging out on her boyfriend’s phone. But one thing not to do, if you have girlfriend waiting for you at home, is to give your number out to another girl. This guy tried to play the field, but he got played instead. Next time he tries to get with another girl, he should be a little more careful with his personal information. You’ve got to play it a lot smoother than that if you want to keep it going with both girls and have neither one find out about the other.
4 You’re My Baguette
There’s nothing to get someone hot and bothered like calling them a…baguette? To be fair, baguettes are pretty good if you like something long, soft, chewy, and stuck in the back of your throat…
This person really needs to turn their auto-correct off or at least check their texts before sending a “steamy” one out to their significant other. Because unless you’re having appetizers at a dinner party, nothing ruins a moment like an unwanted baguette.
This person tried to get sexy and wound up being a total turnoff. It’s like going in for the kiss at the end of the night and ending up banging noses. Moment ruined. It’ll be a long time before this auto-corrected individual gets asked for a s*xt again. You tried, my child, and you failed. I’m sorry.
3 Here’s Your Grade...
This one just might take the cake for what not to say to get someone into your pants. If there was any way to drive home the point that what you were doing was wrong, it’s mentioning the yet-to-be-assigned grade that’s hanging in the air between the two of you. While some girls might get off on getting with the teachers, this prof really should know better than to get with one of his students within a few days of class ending. It’s just so inappropriate! The fact that she doesn’t know her grade yet drives home the fact that she’s technically still his student, and the last time I checked, most schools have rules against that sort of thing.
I mean, if you’re both grown adults and you both want to do it, then ultimately, there’s nothing stopping you. But I would suggest waiting until final grades are posted next time!
2 Don’t Read It!
What is this person hiding? Seriously. They seem unbelievably alarmed that their bed buddy has uncovered their secret (yet online!) diary, and they’re clearly ashamed or uncomfortable with some of the content. I wonder if she has written a bunch of stuff slagging her boyfriend or talking about all the other guys she’s been with/wants to get with, or if she’s just a nervous teenager and there’s nothing interesting in there at all. It’s possible that she just talks about her insecurities and doesn’t want her boyfriend to know what a nervous wreck she is. But wouldn’t it be more interesting if it was just a bunch of wild cheating stories? Now that would make for an interesting blog.
Whichever one it is, here’s a word of advice: maybe next time you upload something online for the world to see, make sure it’s something you’re comfortable with people actually seeing.
1 The Night Was Perfect Except For Your...
One thing you shouldn’t ever text your date is that they have fartbreath. I mean, no one wants to have fartbreath, least of all someone who is romantically interested in you. Now, if they do have fartbreath, that could be a pretty serious problem, especially when the time comes to get kissy-kissy. But there’s got to be a better way to push them in the direction of a toothbrush than indiscreetly texting them that “the night would have been perfect if it wasn’t for your fartbreath.” Like, maybe he could have just offered her an Excel or something?
In this case, it seems possible that this was just an awkward auto-correct. But, I don’t know. What phone actually auto-corrects to fartbreath? Is fartbreath even a real word?
Check your texts, people.