“In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total sl*t and no other girls can say anything about it.” For those of you who aren’t aware of the cinematic genius that is Mean Girls, one of the best teen movies of all time, this quote from it may be the most on-the-nose thing said in the film. The only caveat, they limited it only to women but in actuality, men can get in on the act, too. That doesn’t mean that the results are always glorious. In fact, there are some Halloween costumes that attempt to be sexy but are anything but. Whether the results are sad, weird, off-putting, or just plain gross, whatever the reason, we sacrificed our time trying to track it down. After all of that research, we put together the ultimate list, in our minds, of the biggest fails when it comes to seductive Halloween costumes.
When putting together this list, we had one precept in mind above all others; we’re not here to body shame. Finding folks who made earnest attempts to drape themselves in Halloween sexuality that some have bodies that they don’t want to see exposed will not be found here. Instead, we looked for sexualized Halloween costume concepts that were ill-advised, costumes that are ill-fitting, or that should have been left on the drawing board. If that sounds great to you, and we think you’d have to be a party pooper for it not to, then keep reading.
Hey look, it's corn. Feel aroused yet? No, of course, you don’t as that is about as ridiculous an idea as possible. A staple of summer eating that is enjoyed by millions at family barbecues each year, it is a vegetable that is more likely to make people think of innocent childhood family dinners than fun in the sack. Still, we do have to admit that there is at least some sense to the fact that this product was created. Baffled as to what we are talking about? It seems as though corn is in virtually everything we eat these days so we guess it was only a matter of time before they tried to make us wear it too. Those greedy bureaucrats probably thought this costume was the first step in their next takeover. If only they hadn’t designed one of the silliest looking costumes we’ve ever seen it might have actually worked. Either that or someone ran out of ideas and couldn’t come up with anything better.
14 A Hamburger
Sometimes you see a costume and you just have to wonder, who comes up with this crap? You can just imagine the people who were put in charge of coming up with sexy women costumes sitting around and scratching their heads. Coming up with zero ideas, they decide that it is time to take a break and have some lunch. Heading out to their local fast food restaurant they absent-mindedly look around hoping for some kind of divine inspiration. First looking at their napkin, they seriously consider adapting that square of paper as an option before looking slightly to the side and seeing a hamburger.
Eureka, they think to themselves and call it a day after giving themselves a huge bonus. Then they release this ridiculous piece of clothing to the public who see it and give out a laugh of befuddlement before moving on to the next costume option. After all, there is nothing that is remotely sexual about a hamburger and although we can appreciate the outfit’s tight fit and leg-baring cut, the whole thing is just plain weird.
13 Michael Jackson
The king of pop, Michael Jackson, was an icon of popular music for years on end and created legions of fans around the world. Therefore, we totally get why a costume company would want to make something to serve his legions of supporters, especially after his untimely demise earned him even more of a following. On the other hand, when they created this sexy version of him did they utterly forget who we’re talking about? A man who seemed to be asexual in the best case scenario or a sexual deviant in the worst, there is no question that making an adult themed costume of him is either puzzling or in poor taste.
12 A Guitar
Ok, we’re going to say it. In the right situation and location, there is something about a well-crafted guitar, especially of the acoustic sort, that can actually be sexy. Masterworks of craftsmanship, they are tirelessly built in order to create beautiful pieces of music that have the potential of bringing the masses, or a specific couple, together at any time. With that in mind, we have to admit that the idea of taking a gorgeous woman and putting her into an outfit that represents these glorious instruments could actually have some potential. Then we look at this representation of the idea and realize we may have been wrong. Either that or they failed tremendously.
A cheap looking costume that we can imagine crinkling with every movement, the dress part of this getup looks very poorly conceived but that is only the beginning of what is wrong here. That awful hat that is clearly meant to complete the outfit is so laughably awkward looking on that pretty model that it is hard to imagine any company ever Okaying this costume’s production at all.
11 Pizza Slice
When we discussed the theoretical creation of the hamburger costume a few entries back you probably thought to yourself, when it comes to food options they could have chosen worse. We agree and present to you this sexy pizza costume. We’re going to type that one more time in order to make you really reflect on that combination of words, sexy pizza costume. A piece of clothing as well-conceived as jean shorts (jorts!) or wearing socks with sandals, we have to assume that this slipped through the costume company’s quality assurance division. In fact, whoever was asleep at the wheel when this ridiculous idea got approved has to be a Homer Simpson level of incompetent. Throw in the fact that the model who is wearing it looks like she is sporting a neck pillow around her neck and that look of embarrassment in her eyes and the level of absurdity is multiplied ten-fold.
10 A Monkey
People like primates, right? Furry little creatures with an expressive face and big ears, they seem like they make great companions in every movie and TV show we’ve ever seen. However, not everything we find cute and cuddly should be made into a sexy costume. You wouldn’t want to take the characters from Sesame Street and turn them into sexy costumes, would you? Yet, for some reason, the costume industry, yes it can be called that, thinks that it is perfectly reasonable to take cute little animals and use them for the inspiration for their sexy creations.
Putting that aside, the outfit itself is anything but arousing. Actually, the only reasons we knew for sure that it is meant to be is that it sold on a site that markets itself in a sexual manner, selling lingerie and the like, and they chose to expose so much of the wearer's legs. Aside from that, it looks like this could be shrunk down several sizes and sold to kids who’d elicit awe noises at every door they knocked on.
Goldilocks and the three bears is a time honored story that has been read to generations of children before they go to bed. A fairytale that is about respecting the privacy of others and the fact that our actions can be destructive to those around us, whoever created this costume should have definitely put more thought into that concept. Not as odd as some of the other choices to come on this list, this costume never the less needed to be included here for the sheer fact that it is meant to turn the clothes of a child character into a sexy costume.
8 A Chicken
The second animal-based costume to make this list, we’re surprised too that they were able to outdo the ridiculousness that was the primate costume. We should have less faith in the modern business world clearly. We can’t even begin to fathom what went through the mind of the people behind this one. After all, chickens are thought of as dirty animals by a lot of people and while most will tell you that chicks are cute little creatures, we’ve never heard anyone refer to their grownup counterparts that way. Then you look at the ridiculousness that is this specific rendition of the animals and you’re pretty much forced to shake your head in disbelief. Between the goofy hood and whatever you call those things on her legs, there is nothing about this whole thing that could be described as a success.
7 Buzz Lightyear
Remember when we mentioned in a previous entry that it seems like a weird idea to adapt a family friendly character into a sexy costume? If you thought they wouldn’t possibly do something that silly you have another thing coming. The first of several entries on this list that will fall under that category, this time around we’re looking at a sexy costume based on Buzz Lightyear. A character that spends the majority of the first film he appears in thinking that he is something he’s not, the only explanation for this existing we’d accept includes a similar origin.
Maybe the people who designed this thing thought they were working on a children’s costume but when they turned it in they realized they were submitting to a sexy costume company. Panicking, they cut back on the length of the skirt thinking it would never be accepted but at least they wouldn’t have to admit their mistake. The boss of the company had no choice but to approve it as the company would go belly up if they didn’t meet their quota and this lawsuit waiting to happen was produced as a result. Think that is what happened?
6 Male Nurse
The only costume made for men on this list, this one may be enjoyable to a lot of people but that in and of itself does not make it a successful sexy costume. Sure, there are definitely a lot of people who would love to get a look at the bodies of men who are as ripped as the model we see here. However, the majority of human beings look nothing like the person we see here. In fairness to the company that created this, maybe they intended to sell this only to those in great shape. Even still, this barely counts as anything more than a pair of briefs and a hat which in our minds doesn’t come close to qualifying as a costume
5 Bert and Ernie
You thought we were screwing around when we brought up the idea of a Sesame Street inspired sexy costume didn’t you? We really, really wish that was the case. Instead, it is our sad responsibility as serious list makers to inform you the show’s most famous duo has been prostituted into these confusing costumes. Putting aside the children’s show origin of the inspiration, something we can’t believe we are doing, the design of these costumes is disturbing. Looking as though they chopped off the top half of a pair of beloved characters’ heads, we can just imagine children running in horror at that one part of the costume alone. Then you have the leg and midriff or stomach baring nature of each and the whole thing seems schizophrenic, to say the least.
4 Mrs. Potato Head
Who in their right minds looks at the amorphous blob that is Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head and thought to themselves they were sexy? Clearly a disturbed individual, we don’t know what to hope they intended to be sexy about what you’re looking at. Is it supposed to be potatoes themselves that we are to find sexy? Maybe, we’re meant to be turned on by the idea of an interchangeable face on our potential mates. Neither option is remotely comforting. Then you look at the bland color scheme of the costume and we realize that we were dealing with a truly odd creator this time around.
Come one people. Not everything is supposed to be made into a sexy costume. Case in point, a costume that is based on a type of fish that is most associated with the Pixar cartoon Finding Nemo. Don’t get us wrong, we love the movie as much as the next person but it is actually that fact that makes us most turned off by it all.
After you give up any pretense that this costume is disassociated with the movie there are only two options. In the first case, that pretty lady with the long legs is meant to be Nemo, a fish that is a child and is voiced and portrayed in a very innocent manner. Otherwise, we’re looking at the sexy version of Marlin, a despondent father searching the seas for his son while proving that he is fraught with anxiety and lacks trust and patience. One option is clearly better than the other since it isn’t a child, but neither is slightly appealing. That is to say nothing about the look of the costume itself, that appears more like a hoodie for kids that forgot to taper off at the waist. This costume is a failure all around.
2 A Cow
What, what, what? That has to be the least attractive costume ever created right? A baggy piece that was made to look like a cow wearing a bra with cleavage that is faked as part of the shirt, even we can’t believe this didn’t take our top spot. Almost at a loss for words when it comes to this thing, we’re not going to go on and on trying to come up with explanations for why this exists as we honestly can’t come up with anything. Cows aren’t sexy. Boobs drawn on shirts aren’t sexy. Fake flowers aren’t sexy. The only thing about this that is sexy is the look on the model’s face and we can only imagine that she hadn’t seen herself in a mirror yet to pull it off.
1 Donald Trump
Dear lord, this was probably meant to be somewhat funny but we’re laughing at the people who created this, instead of with them. The fact that Donald Trump, the actual person, has actually found multiple women who’ve chosen to share his bed, let alone marry him, has to be proof that there is someone for everyone. With that in mind, we as a species shouldn’t be tempting the fates by creating a “sexy” costume representation of the man. If someone else gets laid while looking like him we don’t know what that says about us and how close we are to an apocalypse, but it can’t be good.