As the nursery rhyme goes “girls are made of sugar and spice” and basically, to cut it short, all things nice. Sound right? Yeah, probably in the Victorian Era!
Today’s gals are as much of dirty fighters as boys, can clean up pretty well (hey, makeup is a technology too you know) and end up having the best of both the worlds – be it being the boss at work or even boss at home. Contrary to yesteryear’s generation, the women of today do not consider marriage to be the be-all and end-all of life, and babies, as well as the housework, needs to be handled by both sides of the coin, considering today’s woman is as much of a breadwinner as her male counterpart.
Despite female emancipation and bra burning feminists doing what they can, the general perception of the female form remains unchanged. We are the prettier lot, the delicate ones, the “weaker” sex (f**k no!) and need a “man around the house” to keep us safe, sound, and perhaps even sane.
In case that is what you too believe, well, let’s just set you straight. Not by spouting feminist gobbledygook or giving you examples of powerful women in the history of humankind – ’cause that’s just boring, expected, and done to death. Let’s do this in a fun way, we’ll let you in on a little secret – girls can be gross too. And in fact, way grosser! It’s just that our grossness happens behind closed bathroom doors. Don’t believe us? Well here goes then, the 15 gross things girls do in bathrooms. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. And if this list makes you cry for your mommy, especially when your girl is in the bathroom, well, remember mommy was a girl too!
15. We Pick Our Nose and Examine The Boogers For Gold
While you guys dig out your boogers in public and end up getting caught, we have perfected and honed it into an art. But to avoid any public scrutiny, we like to perform in private, mostly in front of a mirror, and with just us as an audience. This helps us form a mutually appreciative society between us, ourselves, and possibly the boogers too. It’s a private love affair between us and our bodies’ shedding. We don’t like to make that public. We love how gross our bodies are – and the grossness they can produce. So for us, it’s an expression of self-love that the world simply does not need to be made privy to. We are Goddesses. And all that we do behind closed bathroom doors is sacred. Capiche?
14. We Never Ever Clip Our Nails Into The Trashcan
Remember the last time you stepped into our Barbie doll of a bathroom? And remember when you came out (crying for your mommy) about how something really sharp had pierced your foot? And there was indeed a tiny (mind you, it was really minuscule) nick on the sole of your foot. We had said that there was a jagged tile in the bathroom. Well actually, there wasn’t. Our tiles are spotlessly smooth as our legs. What you did step on was a clipped fingernail. We like to cut our nails while perched on the toilet or even at the edge of the bath or just walking about in the bathroom. But into the trashcan? That’s just too much effort. All our hard work goes into clipping those nails, filing them into shape, removing that age old nail polish and then putting on fresh coats in the latest fashionable colors. The nails will just have to find their own way into the drain.
13. We Adjust Our Unmentionables In Unmentionable Ways & Positions
There are times we want to show off our bods – considering we starve ourselves and work out in painful ways until we’re nice and lean. So there will be times when we go into bathrooms looking like an old creaky jalopy and come out looking like the latest Maserati. How? Well, makeup and a change of clothes aside, it’s how we adjust ourselves that matters. When it’s time to maximize our assets, we are experts. After all, we also know how to blow things out of proportion, don’t we? Frankly, we are experts in minimizing our assets when we want unwanted attention and creepy glances to go away. But it takes talent and some tools to do that – and the privacy of a bathroom mirror to ensure, umm, symmetry. We want the right kind of attention, right? Not the fluke kind that makes disproportionate pictures go viral in the Twitterverse. So wait for us while we get ready, patiently. You will be excited about the results.
12. When In Need The Toilet Paper Doubles Up As Many Things
We gals really know how to multitask. We are able to play the mistress wife, good cop and bad cop mommy, and even be the perfect bitch boss at work. So yes, multitasking is our middle name. And since we are able to use ourselves in so many different ways, we expect the things around us to double, triple, and even quadruple up to provide maximum efficiency. Case in point: toilet paper. Other than its obvious and intended use, for us, it also doubles up as a toilet seat cleaner in public bathrooms. It even triples up as great absorbent paper to blot out too much lipstick or wipe away clumpy mascara. The grossest of them all? A nicely folded up wad of it quadruples up as an emergency pad when we are out of Always and it’s that time of the month. Mind you, even toilet paper fails to role play as tampons.
11. We End Up Fishing Long Hair Out Of Our Butt Cracks
The bane of our existence! We love the fact that you love our long hair. And yes, there is a lot of product, blow dries, and salon visits that keep it looking so darn good. And yes, we love our hair too. The only time we don’t like our hair is in the shower. Why? Cause then some locks of our hair tend to wash off our scalp with the shampoo and the preconditioner and the post conditioner and the serum and the mask and the deep conditioning treatment and gets lodged where the sun don’t shine, the butt crack. There it hides until suddenly we see that we have grown a tail. The only issue is sometimes we don’t see it, and someone else does. And then the freak hits the ceiling. So now, making sure there are no strays in our butt crack is part of our everyday “beauty” routine. And this is the reason we prefer to shower alone, with a locked door for company.
10. Sometimes, Just Sometimes, We Pee In The Shower
So one grudge we have against men is your ability to pee while standing up and aiming it right. Now we understand most of you don’t bother to aim it right because hey, why aim it when you can spray it seems to be the general testosterone-fuelled thought process. But the fact remains that you can, even if you don’t or won’t. The problem with our plumbing is that we can’t. And obviously, mostly, we refrain from trying to as well. Except when we are in the shower. Then it just feels like too much effort to move from the shower to the toilet and wet the bathroom along the way and then wet the toilet seat and then wipe everything too. So we end up peeing in the shower – and the water washes it all away in any case. You find it gross? Oh, well, so sorry. We’ll stop if you stop peeing all over the toilet seat, pretty please.
9. We Use Wipes To Wipe Off The Sweat From Unnamed Places
So girls don’t sweat, right, ’cause we glisten. But even our shininess can end up raising a stink. So when in need, and in a serious lack of time, we skip the shower and just grab some fresh-as-daisies wipes and then proceed to first wipe ourselves all over and then start scrubbing at the stinkier places. Think armpits, under boobs, side boobs, middle of the boobs… You name it, we do it. But unlike you guys, who gross us out when you come from the gym and start wiping off the geysers of sweat with our pink and perfumed face towels (which we trash right after) and do this at the dining table (which helps us keep slim considering we cannot eat breakfast after that) – we do our wiping in private. And with perfumed wipes which we never ever reuse or even talk about – they are balled up and thrown out right away. And we end up looking and smelling awesome. Unless we are Miley Cyrus!
8. We Madly Dash From The Shower To The Toilet To Stop “Dripping” All Over
No, we are not talking about water here. Seriously, we aren’t. What we are talking about is those days when we become a leaky faucet dripping blood. Yup, the much dreaded period. If guys feel victimized by our PMS mood swings, hell, they have no idea how downright disturbing it is to be leaking blood for days, having a stomach that feels tied up in painful knots, and diarrhea that often comes along as a fringe benefit. We girls feel like a keg of dynamite about to go off and seriously, the cramps are versions of mini contractions sometimes. And then come the hygiene issues. Periods always win hands down, and we always end up staining something or the other – underwear, pants, the bed, the toilet or hell, the bathroom floor. And the cleaning is as irritating as is the staining. So if we behave like wounded tigresses then, well, we have ample reason to.
7. Washing Underwear, Yes! Washing Bras, Eh, Not So Much
There are many reasons we don’t wash our delicates at the laundromat. One reason is that they are delicate, lacy things that tend to forever lose their shape and prettiness in the dryer. The second reason is that machines and dryers often assassinate bras with a bit of wire or plastic in them. These expensive bras that cost more than the clothes on top of them forever lose their shape and in turn exact their revenge on us by poking us in all the wrong places, at perfectly inopportune moments.
So, we wash them in the bathroom, usually post shower. However, let us let you on a little secret. We do wash those undies everyday but our bras don’t get such TLC. Mostly, we end up repeating our bras for a while – even keeping worn ones back in the drawer. Why? Well, they haven’t been anywhere near anything dirty! And there’s sweat but…well, haven’t you learned? We don’t sweat, we shine!
6. We Fart But More Interestingly, Sometimes We Vart. Wait. What?
We yell and scream and shout at all you guys when you belch or fart in public, or even in private when we are around to hear it, or even grosser, smell it! Seriously, why are your stomachs built like methane gas swamps that tend to bubble up and blow without warning? We ladies get gassy too sometimes. But we tend to expel the same in private where no one can hear it go, and yeah okay, our smells can beat yours with hands tied behind their backs!
In case you ever wondered why we tend to run to “freshen up” post a hot and bothered hookup session, it’s because air (not gas you dummy) gets trapped in our nether regions and it can go out the only way it got in. It’s like our vags need to let out a lady-like burp since we so enjoyed the, umm, meal…
5. We Go Without Washing Our Hair Far Longer Than You Think
Love the way our hair smells? Well thank you! But the shampoo you so love and we claim to be a family secret passed down from our mom’s grandmother’s aunt’s mother’s sister’s mother-in-law’s great-great-grandma, is actually dry shampoo you get everywhere! Why? ‘Cause we hate washing our hair. First, it gets into our butt cracks and getting it out means you need to have an ostrich’s neck. Secondly, washing our hair is a ritual – nothing can go wrong with it. There has to be that virgin coconut oil mixed with organic castor oil in just the right quantity we need to massage our scalp with. After 30 minutes of this, we shampoo off the oil and apply a hair mask. Then 15 minutes after this we wash off and apply a deep conditioner. Another 10 minutes and then we shampoo and steam with a hot towel. Then we condition again and use a serum and a few drops of some or the other high falutin hair oil and then a heat styling protector and then we blow dry and then we brush and then we try five different hair styles before we just leave it down. So no. We don’t wash our hair every day. Cause we’d end up doing just that. All. Day. Long.
4. We Love The Crispy Sound Morning Eye Goop Makes When You Dig It Out
Has it ever happened to you guys that you went to bed with a hot, smoldering chick you had the sheer luck of hooking up with, and woke up with Medusa? Yeah, well. It happens to us every day. We are the hot smoldering chicks who mutate overnight into reflections that nearly give us a heart attack in the morning. The after-wash styling products we so painstakingly apply to our hair somehow electrifies it overnight since pillow static is our worst enemy. The makeup spreads all over and this is the main reason why women are advised to remove their makeup at night before they go to bed. One too many scary mornings and we’d conk off from a heart attack! And part of our morning routine is to look in awe at the gargoyle we see in the mirror and then dig out crunchy eye goops the size of Australia from our mascara encrusted, nearly glued-shut peepers. Sigh. At least we don’t have navel fuzz!
3. We Check Out Our Bits With A Mirror
Guys are known to be terribly proud of their apparatus down there and are known to spend hours, or maybe just minutes, admiring it in mirrors. Narcissism and an overly self-inflated (get the pun?) ego aside, guys are built for easy access. Girls aren’t. Unless we have a gynecologist’s exam table (which is another story about grossness altogether) and a giant mirror in front of it or have the ostrich’s ability to really and truly bend down and look between our legs, we are stuck. No, not in that position! We just don’t really get to see ourselves down there. And don’t take this sexually, but we do like to get better acquainted with ourselves every now and then. And this folks, is the reason why you’d always find a handheld mirror in a girl’s bathroom.
2. We Check Out All Our Expressions In Front Of The Mirror
Do you wonder how we manage to get perfect selfies in the first click, while you look like you just laid an egg, or worse, sucked on a lemon? Well, we practice. Mirrors for us are not just a tool to see our reflections and marvel at how good we can look. They are tools of our trade of looking great, instruments that aid in our research of looking even better, aids in our mastery of facial yoga so that we can perfect our look. So when we are alone in the bathroom, even The Mask has got nothing on us when it comes to making faces. We pout and glare, smolder and stare, and practice making looks that could kill to expressions that bring grown men to their knees. And then, just to prove that your face won’t really “get stuck like that” like our mothers told us it would, we stick out our tongues and wiggle those brows. So there! Obviously, Kim K’s a little out of practice here!
1. We Often Multitask While Doing The Dirty, Literally
So we are back to multitasking here. The potty is just that, a place to poop. But when us girls go to sit on it, we multitask on whole new levels. We take our phones and iPods and even Kindles in there to chat, read, listen or hell, even talk. Yup, those hot and bothered texts you get from us at the crack of dawn are often when we are in the toilet because post that, we gotta get ready and hit the gym and clean up (because we don’t live in pig sties) and then have to get to work. So toilet time is often free time for us. And the times we are not chatting you up, we get our dose of music – and pooping to a good song is a whole new level of music in any case! Or sometimes we read – though we do refrain from reading hot and steamy romances early in the morning while we, well, go through our routine. And yes, this is where we file our nails to perfection too… And sometimes, we talk to you too, or haven’t you noticed that early morning husky voice of ours?
Too grossed out? Well, you don’t have to take the writer seriously, ’cause she doesn’t (take herself seriously that is). But perhaps from now on, when your girl is in the bathroom, you’ll just leave her alone.
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