So, you wake up one morning and find yourself in unfamiliar surroundings with someone’s arm draped across your face. You gently pick up and move their arm off your face and quietly slip out of bed. As you scramble to find your clothes and other personal belongings, memories of a particularly raucous night start haunting you.
You told yourself this wouldn’t happen again, yet here you are in the same situation as last weekend. You dread trying to escape unnoticed from the house and wish your fairy godmother would appear to lead you out of the house. Unfortunately, your fairy godmother is probably somewhere far, far away from here holding her head held in shame!
You definitely didn’t get home by midnight and your date did kind of end up turning into something…just not quite sure what exactly. It’s difficult to tell due to the way their drool-encrusted face is smashed into their pillow.
Without a fairy godmother, getting out of here and completely avoiding this whole “walk of shame” ordeal is going to be miraculous if not impossible. Hold it right there. According to Audrey Hepburn, “The word ‘impossible’ says ‘I’m possible.’”
Let’s discover 15 non-obvious ways to avoid taking the walk of shame. (The obvious way to avoid the Walk of Shame is not to have sleepovers where horizontal extracurricular activities take place with strangers. But obviously, we are past the obvious because you found yourself here, right?)
15 Lost Cat
“Here kitty kitty!” Oh no! You lost your cat! You were out looking for him when you thought you saw him dart into this fraternity house. Naturally and understandably, you chased after him as he ran through the house and up the stairs, which is why you are now walking down the stairs carrying your shoes. Wait. Carrying your shoes? Yes. You didn’t want your cat to hear you coming because you thought he might dart if he did so you quickly took off your shoes.
Sadly, as you were just about to grab him, this random guy that lives in the house came up and startled you and while you were trying to explain what you were doing, this allowed your cat to escape unseen down the stairs and out the front door! You wish you had more time to talk but you have a cat to catch!
14 Uber Of Shame
Almost every city and town has Uber and/or Lyft services available, and if they don’t do well, there’s always a good old yellow checkered cab. Use your cellphone to arrange for a pickup. Unsure of your current address? Turn on the location finder on your phone. This should be located under maps or sometimes pops up on Facebook when you are looking to find directions. Have the driver text you when they arrive. That way, you don’t have to keep sneaking to the windows to look for your ride and get interrogated on why you are anxious to leave. “Was this a one-time thing?” “So are we official now?” “Can I change my relationship status on Facebook?” Do you really want to try and answer those questions right now or would you rather get home and down some aspirin?
Ding! Ding! When you finally receive that text message, in what felt like an hour but was actually about three minutes, your heart skips a beat. If you get stopped or caught Usain Bolt-ing it out to the car, “I’d love to talk and exchange numbers but my friend is here and we’re running late for this thing.” There, that’s all you need to say!
13 Community Service
You are almost home free and out the door when another resident or roommate walks in. They give you the once-over as you stand there awkwardly. Before they ask, you immediately pipe up. “I am a recruiter with the Scouting Club and was just going over different badges you can earn…I think they are going to need a bit before they make a decision on whether or not they want to join….off to my next appointment. Great to meet you.” It’s important to remain confident and in control of the conversation. You don’t want to have questions coming at you out of left field that you are totally unprepared to answer which would have you stammering and using a lot of “Uhs…” and “Umms...” If that’s the case, then you might as well just light your pants on fire now because you absolutely appear to be a ‘liar, liar with your pants on fire.’ If they ask what types of badges you can earn, just say that the badges and their respective requirements are something they can discuss later with their roommate.
While trying to sneak out the back door, you get caught. “What are you doing here?” The person asks with a bemused look on their face. Without skipping a beat, say, “Weird that you ask because I was actually wondering where the used but in good condition blender was?” The person will look at you strangely. Look at them with the best irritated but straight face you can make. “On Craigslist…the blender?”
The person either won’t want to look like an idiot so they might go along with it and pretend they know what you are talking about, saying the blender must be being sold by another housemate that isn’t here at the moment. Or, they will tell you that you must have the wrong address. In both scenarios, just smile and nod your head, agreeing with whatever they are saying. As soon as you can, apologize and get out of there. You are late picking up your blender.
11 Political Poll
Caught coming out of the bathroom by a roommate. What do you do? You introduce yourself, silly! You are part of the field response team for the political campaign of the Canadian Prime Minister. You saw the door to the house slightly ajar, and after a very long day on the campaign trail, you really needed to use the bathroom. You didn’t think they would mind.
Before you attempt to make your hasty exit, explain that you’ve already polled the other roommates in the house so they won’t need to be questioned. It is pretty obvious that this residence is actually not located in Canada so you won’t even be voting for a Prime Minister of Canada! Stupid Google maps. How did you end up here? You are not even in Canada.
10 Amazon’s New Delivery Open-Door Service
“Did you just come out of that bedroom?” they ask you. Startled, you turn around. Straighten yourself up. Don’t look so cowardly. “Why yes, I did. I am with Amazon’s New Hand Delivery Open-Door Service Test Pilot Program. I was just delivering a package to the occupant of this room. I’ll be going now! Lots of packages to deliver.” If they begin to ask more questions, simply reply, “Well, I hope that rush delivery lice shampoo gets rid of the problem. They are such nasty little buggers. Get all over everything!” If that doesn’t shut them up, then nothing will!
9 Walk Of Pride
Okay. So, it wasn’t Channing Tatum but it could’ve been worse, right? It’s super early in the morning and you were looking forward to getting the heck out of there before anyone got up. But unfortunately, there are still people who are up from the night before. They are lurking about the stairwell being loud and obnoxious. You definitely don’t want to hear one negative word from them.
What do you do? The Walk of Shame is so humiliating but if you want to leave and enjoy the comforts of your own cozy room, it must be done. But, why does it need to be the Walk of Shame? Think positively! You are proud of your conquest! He wasn’t that bad...or was he?
This is no Walk of Shame. This is a Walk of Pride. Think to yourself, “How would Tony Robbins get out of this situation?” Well, Tony would definitely be walking with his head held high and a megawatt smile on his face! You can do this!
8 Lost Tourist
If you are trying to get out of a large house filled to the brim with random people, this is the only way to get out. You are from a foreign country and you are lost. You also may or may not speak their language. That part is entirely up to you.
Gather your belongings and leave the bedroom, bathroom, or whatever part of the house you are hiding in. Start wandering around aimlessly. Pull out your phone and get on Google Earth. Pretend you are looking for the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It must be around here somewhere. I mean, Google Earth can’t be wrong! Start slowly wandering your way down towards the closest exit. If you can’t find the exit, just keep wandering until you inevitably do!
If you are stopped along the way out, just pretend you don’t know what they are saying. Shake your head no and pretend you need Google to translate what they are saying. Make some basic gestures of a door opening and you walking out. They will guide you to the nearest exit and there you go!
7 Dog Walker
Dog walkers have clients that entrust their precious pups into their care. Dog walkers take dogs for playtime in the park or just walking around to burn off some energy usually while their human mom and dad are at work.
You, my friend, are a dog walker that has come to pick up a new client’s pup! As soon as you escape the confines of the bedroom you mysteriously ended up in last night, start for the front door. If someone sees you, immediately call out “Fido!” The person will look at you with a strange expression and will likely ask what the hell you are doing. This is when you confidently announce that you are there to pick up Fido for his walk. Be as clear and concise as possible. You are a dog walker there to pick up your newest client, Fido.
You might get a look of sympathy and pity as they inform you that you are at the wrong address. There is no dog by the name of Fido here. In fact, there is no dog at all living here. Act all embarrassed and put your head in your hands as you scoot towards the door and out of the house.
6 House For Sale
Isn’t this the house that’s for sale? What do you mean you have no idea what I’m talking about? My realtor said to meet him here for a walk-through, and that was 20 minutes ago so I figured I’d let myself in and tour the property.
After a bit of confusion and possible consultation with other house guests or roommates, they will politely show you to the door without any desire to chitchat or grill you on your evening’s extracurricular activities because you suddenly begin to look a little familiar to them.
5 Mrs. Doubtfire
If you haven’t seen Mrs. Doubtfire, then this reference will fly right over your head. So, you wake up feeling not your best and you want a way out of taking the walk of shame out the front door. You then remember the 1993 comedy Mrs. Doubtfire. He smashed his face into a cake in order to keep someone from finding out his real identity! If only you had a cake around. You may not have a cake but you’re pretty sure you saw some shaving cream in the bathroom! You quietly go in the bathroom and slather your face with shaving cream and pull your vomit-encrusted hoodie up to your forehead (don’t judge). Ta da! You slyly sneak downstairs and out the front door.
Okay. If you need to, practice in front of the mirror. You are the cousin of whoever that is behind you drooling all over his pillow. Before you head out, definitely try and find his wallet or phone to figure out his name. That would probably be a dead giveaway that you aren’t really his cousin if you couldn’t think of his name.
As soon as you find his name, you can make your way out the bedroom door and prepare to make a mad dash to the front door. Don’t walk. If you walk, well then, you are partaking in the Walk of Shame. Nobody wants to do that. There’s no Dash of Shame, though, so dash away.
3 Ditzy Blonde
You don’t have to be a blonde for this tactic to work. You just need to act blonde. Adapt one of those annoying Valley-girl, pre-teenybopper accents. You know, the one with lots of “OMG,” “as if,” and “like.”
So, yes, it’s true that you were at the party last night, but you definitely didn’t hook up with anyone living here. OMG, no! You are not that girl.
If anyone asks, or even if they don’t, just throw it out there that you fell asleep in the hall closet, curled up between their old underused musty-smelling vacuum cleaner and their overused hooka. Sometimes, it’s easier to sneak and make a clean escape than other times, so it’s just better to be prepared.
2 Costume Party Brunch
“You are here for a costume party?” they ask almost in unison. You nod, making sure to add a confused look to your face. “What are you supposed to be?” they ask again at the same time. “I’m a dude suffering from a serious hangover. My friends were supposed to be here too.”
The girls all giggle. One of them finally overcomes the giggles and informs you with a look of sympathy that there is no costume party brunch and the friends who told you that must have been playing a prank on you. “Ugh. Silly me,” you say as you take another step closer to the door. The girls take a step closer. You take another step towards the door. You start to think that these sorority sisters would be great in a horror movie. Creepy how they move and talk together.
Should you have just stayed in the bedroom and waited for the snoring Sleeping Beauty to wake up to escort you downstairs and to the door? Well, you’ve made it this far. You decide that you are going to count to 3 and then dart out the door leaving these creepy smiling Marsha Brady lookalikes behind.
1 Repel Of Shame
If there’s absolutely no way you will walk out of the bedroom or bathroom and towards the front door, well, it’s time to consider alternative solutions to your dilemma. If you really are that hellbent on not partaking in the Walk of Shame out the front or back door, and you aren’t any higher than the 3rd floor of a residence, your only other option is the window. Yes, the window.
If the guy is still in the bed, this is going to be a little more challenging, but not impossible. You need to get the sheets off the bed. You are going to be tying them together, end-to-end, to make a rope-like device that you are going to hang out the window and climb down.
If there’s a guy still in the bed, you can use the ‘band-aid rip’ technique to get the sheets off the bed. That’s just the 1-2-3 & yank! If the guy is out of the bed and off in the bathroom or kitchen, easy. Simply grab the sheets off. Secure one end of the sheets you’ve made into a rope onto something sturdy that’s not going to go anywhere—a bed post or a heavy chair leg. Don’t forget to toss your purse and other belongings out the window before you climb down. You definitely would not want to have to climb back up.
If you are feeling guilty, feel free to scribble a note, something to the effect of “Thanks for a great night! Sorry I had to run. Something unexpected came up.”
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