15 Lies Every D-Bag Tells His Girlfriend

There are definitely good guys out there, guys who believe in openness and honesty in a relationship. However, let’s be honest – there are also a whole lot of douchebags.

We kind of blame the media for this one. Reality shows and television shows often glamourize the bad boy who is hitting the town with his boys and lying to his girlfriend and basically looking out for one person and one person only: himself. As a result, there are guys out there who think it’s okay to behave like that and lie to their girlfriends constantly. Guess what – it’s not. And as clever and duplicitous as you think you’re being, we guarantee your girlfriend probably sees right through those lies and is getting increasingly annoyed. And overly tanned Jersey boys don’t have the market cornered on douchebags. These types of guys come from all corners of society, from high-powered business executives to bohemian artists.

It’s normal to tell a little white lie every now and then. Sometimes, it’s the easiest way to avoid unnecessarily hurting someone’s feelings. However, if you find yourself constantly spewing the lies on this list to your girlfriend, well, we hate to say it, but you just might be a douchebag.

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15 “Sorry, I Forgot”

This lie is infuriating for one reason: it only ever applies to things you don’t want to do. You would never, ever forget to pick up beer when you wanted it, or to PVR the big game that you were missing because you had to work late. You wouldn’t forget to grab your favourite snacks, or to make sure your lucky jersey was clean for the game. However, when it comes to something like stopping by the grocery store to grab something your girlfriend needed for dinner, or picking up a package at the post office when you know it’s the new sheets your girlfriend ordered online, you just automatically forget, all the time. Not cool. Women see right through that and are totally not impressed. In fact, it’ll probably prompt your girlfriend to just forget you.

14 “I Never Watch Skin Flicks”

Um, okay. Sure. Every woman knows this is a blatant lie, so why even bother? If your porn viewing is a huge part of your life and it affects your relationship, then we get the temptation to lie about your habit if you’re a douchebag. No douchebag wants to confess that he spends hours every night with his favourite adult video stars. However, don’t be the douchebag who lies about doing something that literally almost every guy does. Women know you watch porn. Guys aren’t as mysterious as they like to think they are. As long as you don’t expect her to act like your own adult film star, and your love life is healthy, honestly, she probably doesn’t really care. That’s between you and your hand.

13 “I Can’t Feel Anything When I Use A Rubber”

Okay, douchebags. Every woman on the planet is sick of hearing this excuse. You are not some magical unicorn who is unnaturally affected by putting on a thin layer of protection. You feel the way that every other guy feels – but they’re responsible and engage in safe practices. If you use this on your girlfriend, chances are she won’t feel sorry for you and believe your lie. She’ll just assume that you’ve used the same line on many, many girls before her, and honestly, it’ll probably kill your chances altogether, because no self-respecting woman wants to get with someone who she knows probably hasn’t been safe in the bedroom. Just stop using this lie – no one believes it, and unless your girlfriend has decided she’s okay with not using that type of protection while getting busy, you need to just respect her decision and not try to trick her into things with lies.

12 “Sorry, I Just Saw Your Call/Text Now”

Okay, let’s be honest – in this day and age, most people have their smartphones within reach pretty much 24/7. You probably check your phone at least once an hour or so, at the very minimum, no matter what you’re doing – it just becomes a habit. So, when you tell your girlfriend that you didn’t answer her calls or text messages for hours because you were busy, or because you didn’t have your phone on you, she knows you’re lying. There are exceptions to the rule – if she knows you’re in a long work meeting or something like that, for example – but for the most part, this is a lame excuse when you’re just hanging out with your boys. She knows it’s not because you didn’t have your phone. It’s because you were ignoring messages so you could focus on drinking as much beer as possible with your buds.

11 “I’m On My Way”

Men think they’re being so clever when they use this lie. After all, how can your girlfriend be mad at you for not being at the restaurant at 8:00 pm when you said you’d be there at 8:00 pm if you’re literally on your way? How could she possible get mad that you’re 45 minutes late for your couch shopping expedition when you texted her that you were on the way? Uh… because we know that if you say you’re on the way, that means you’re still twenty minutes from leaving, at least. Honesty is always the best policy – if you really don’t want to do something, just tell us. Don’t lie that you’re minutes away when you know you’ll be keeping us waiting for another half an hour, at least. That’s just a douchebag move.

10 “Your BFF Is Awesome”

Sometimes, you may legitimately get along well enough with your girlfriend’s BFF – and if that’s the case, that’s awesome. It’ll definitely make things a bit easier in the long run. However, for the most part, you probably can’t stand your girlfriend’s best bud. Perhaps it’s that she talks at a volume only dogs can hear and frequently screeches. Perhaps it’s because you just don’t care about all the drama going on in her life. Whatever the reason, you just can’t stand her. So, man up and tell your girlfriend that you would rather girl’s nights stay girl’s nights, and that you kind of don’t want to tag along on their shopping expedition. When you’re waxing poetic about your girlfriend’s BFF, it seems a little bit weird and suspicious.

9 “I Wasn’t Checking Her Out”

Okay, let’s just get one thing straight. Guys look at other women. It’s a fact. Even the most happily married men will occasionally glance at a gorgeous woman when she walks by. It doesn’t always mean they would ever act on it, but it’s just their biological wiring telling them there’s a sexy member of the species passing by. However, douchebags always try to play it off like they’re not checking out other women – even if you literally almost had to pick his jaw off the floor after the waitress in a skin-tight bodycon dress sauntered by. Look, no one is saying you need to tell your girlfriend that you think the female bartender is the sexiest woman you’ve ever seen. Just don’t insult your girlfriend’s intelligence by swearing you’re keeping your eyes to yourself when she can literally see you drooling over someone.

8 “Tonight Is Just A Guy’s Night”

Listen, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with hanging out with just the guys from time to time. A good girlfriend will likely support that, because hey, she wants time to hang out with her ladies as well. All great couples have individual friends and interests. However, if you’re dating a douchebag, you know that ‘it’s just a guy’s night, you can’t come babe’ is a flat out lie. Chances are, it might start as a guy’s night, but then your guy and his group will be chatting up the hottest women at the bar they’re at. They certainly don’t want any girlfriends around to spoil that pursuit, so they just pull out the guys’ night excuse. It is without question a douchebag move – and it gives a bad name to all the decent guys who really do want to just have a guys’ night.

7 “This Is My Last Beer”

This is basically just another version of the “I’m on my way” lie. Look, we get it – sometimes you’re out and you’re having fun and you just don’t want the merriment to end. So, you tell yourself you’ll just prolong the festivities with one more drink – just one more. Once that drink is done, you’ll absolutely leave. And that’s exactly the message you pass along to your girlfriend. The only problem is, even if you’re fooling yourself, you’re not fooling her. She knows that one last beer means two or three more beers. Or, that mysteriously, you’ll claim to have been sipping that one last beer for four hours. Uh… okay. Just be honest and tell your girlfriend she probably won’t be seeing you for a while, because your buddy just busted out another twelve-pack of craft beer and you’re planning to sample all the flavours.

6 “We’ll Talk About It Later”

When a douchebag says that you’ll talk about something later, chances are, he will try desperately to ensure that topic will never come up again. It’s a classic douchebag tactic – if he just puts off the conversation time and time again by stalling and saying the two of you will talk about it later, then eventually, you’ll just give up altogether. At least, that’s what he’s hoping. It’s not always the ideal time to have certain conversations, and even non-douchebag guys might be too tired to have a heavy conversation from time to time. However, if he’s trying to postpone every tough conversation with the claim that you’ll discuss it at some mythical later time, well… he’s just being a douchebag. It’s a blatant lie and he never intends to have that conversation.

5 “I Want To Take Things Slow”

Okay, there are a few legitimately good guys out there who may want to take things slow because of previous relationship issues they’ve had, or some kind of personal belief. However, for the most part, this is a lie that douchebags tell when they want to keep women on the hook but aren’t ready to man up and offer the kind of commitment they want. As much as men like to think they’re so complex and nuanced, in all honesty, y’all are simple – when you like a girl, you like her. You will happily change your plans to accommodate her in your life, you will prioritize her, and you will be ready to treat her the way she deserves because, well, you really like her! If a guy is claiming he wants to take it slow, that mostly means he wants to keep you around but also keep his options open in case a better woman comes along. Not cool.

4 “Work Is Crazy Right Now”

Most adults have incredibly busy schedules, and most adults have to put in long hours at the office, whatever their occupation is. It’s just part of growing up. They learn how to balance their professional lives with their personal lives. However, many douchebags use their jobs as an opportunity to get out of basically anything they don’t want to do. For example, if your girlfriend asks you to come to a family event and you claim you just can’t make it because work is way too crazy, but you end up playing video games all evening... You’re a douche. If your work life is legitimately hectic for a short period of time, your girlfriend will probably understand, but if she gets this same lie month after month, she’s probably going to realize you’re just being a douchebag.

3 “That Looks Great”

There is no guy on this planet who thinks it’s a good idea to tell his girlfriend that a dress she selected makes her look a little bit chubby. You just don’t even want to go there. However, so, so many guys lie to their girlfriends that they look incredible when asked for an opinion on a certain outfit or new haircut, and it’s always for the douchiest reasons. It’s usually not because you want to spare your girlfriend’s feelings – it’s because the two you are already fifteen minutes late and you just want to get going ASAP. Take a second and actually look at your girlfriend and give her some legitimate feedback. Don’t just tell her she looks fantastic while staring at the score on your phone.

2 “I Make Six Figures”

For men, a lot of their masculinity and confidence in the workplace comes from knowing that their salary is better than someone else’s. We’re not sure why, but it just immediately turns into a pissing contest, and the guy who makes the most always feels like an alpha male. That’s why, when a girl you’re seeing asks about what you do, you probably lie that you’re definitely comfortable – that your job isn’t always perfect but it’s lucrative, etc. However, there’s a thing that men who do this are failing to consider. Women don’t believe them. A guy who is truly making crazy bank doesn’t feel so insecure that he needs to blurt out how well he’s doing financially. Either that, or he’s a douchebag that’s totally obsessed with money and status and superficial things. Women aren’t interested in either of those guys.

1 “I Would Never Talk To My Friends About Something So Private”

Let’s just stop with this lie. Listen, there are certain things in a relationship that you always keep private, like deep, dark secrets you might share with your partner. However, when it comes to what happens in the bedroom, chances are, you spill some of the details to your close pals. Guys engage in locker room talk, and girls dish about how things are going over wine-soaked girl’s nights. It happens. So just stop pretending that you never mentioned anything about your physical love life to your friends, because we know you did – and it just makes us a little bit irritated that you would lie about it. Your friends aren’t exactly master keepers of secrets and they’ll probably let loose through a joke or comment that they know something, so just be honest from the start.

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