Everyone’s heard the old trope about fat chicks and mopeds—they’re fun to ride, just don’t let your friends catch you on one. I came of age in the ’90s, the decade of Kate Moss and Michelle Pfeiffer. Skinny chicks were all the rage. You never even saw women in the free-weight section of the gym because they were afraid if they did a squat, they might actually develop some shape. Hell, I remember being a little kid and laughing hysterically at Sir-Mix-A-Lot‘s famous song because, seriously, what dude would want a chick with a big butt? In those days, a chick could have a face like Brooklyn Decker; but if she was carrying any extra weight at all, being seen with her was tantamount to stepping on the edge of the social ladder and plummeting precipitously from it.
But, times have changed. You walk into a CrossFit or power-lifting gym these days, and you’re just as likely to see a chick at the squat rack jacking up a heavy-a** barbell as you are a dude. The word “badonkadonk,” which Missy Elliott generously added to the common lexicon in the early 2000’s, is considered a compliment. Thick chicks are in, especially if they have tone and muscle to their thickness. And even if they don’t, it isn’t the end of the world. That’s because plenty of dudes prefer some extra cushion; and unlike in the ’90s, most of them aren’t afraid to admit it now. Here are 15 hot AF thick chicks you’d score with and even brag to your friends about.
15. Ariel Winter
Ariel Winter isn’t a boom-boom fatty, but her BMI is definitely over 25; which means, according to the American Medical Association–at least–she’s still considered big. If I’d been seen on a date with her back in high school, my buddies would have branded me a chubby chaser. They wouldn’t have cared that her face is gorgeous. But, is anyone in 2017 turning down the chance to knock boots with Ariel Winter because she’s carrying a little extra? Not a chance. If you’re lucky enough to score with Ariel, chances are, you’re taking a pic of her wearing your t-shirt afterward and posting it on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and everywhere else. You might even buy a Facebook ad or Sponsored Tweet to increase its exposure.
14. Queen Latifah
Queen Latifah was a big ol’ heavy back in the ’90s. Now, following some serious work in the gym and probably one of those fad diets where you only eat things your ancestors could have hunted and killed, she’s merely thick. Unlike 99 percent of chicks on dating sites, the Queen would actually be telling the truth if she listed herself as “curvy” or “having a few extra pounds.” It doesn’t even matter. She has so much s*x appeal that you’d score with her even if she were still at her heaviest. I mean, think about it. What sounds cooler to say to your friends? “I scored with Queen Latifah last night” or “I fapped last night and thought about a skinny chick.” That’s what I thought.
13. Jessica Simpson
Sure, she’s put on some weight since her glory days in the early 2000’s, but come on…she’s still Jessica Simpson. Are you really turning down those bragging rights? If you do–not that there’s anything wrong with it–then you’re probably gay. Besides, you have to put all the fat jokes into perspective. Look at her. She’s actually still hot. She just doesn’t have the body she had when she had the best body of any chick in the world. Huge difference. It’s like if Ron Jeremy‘s most famous asset shrunk to, say, eight inches. That’s still way out on the right tail of the bell curve. But, because it’s Ron Jeremy and everyone’s used to seeing a foot or more, people are going to joke that he’s “gotten small.”
12. Kirstie Alley
Kirstie Alley‘s weight is like the stock market since 2007. First, it’s up; then it’s down; then it rebounds a little; then it drops again; and finally, it soars to bigger numbers than ever. But I don’t know if it’s her voice, her lips, her eyes, her general aura, or what, but if I’m being serious, I don’t think there’s ever been a time when Kirstie wasn’t sexy. If given a choice, would I prefer to score with her during her Cheers days than at the apex of her weight? Of course! But, most of us aren’t given a choice when it comes to scoring with celebrities. We take what we can get, when we can get it, or, more accurately, if we can get it; which is rare. And, if you’re like me, you’re taking Kirstie Alley at any time and at any weight.
11. Melissa McCarthy
Melissa McCarthy might not have the raw s*x appeal of some of the other chicks on this list. But as of 2017, she gets paid more per movie than any chick in Hollywood other than Jennifer Lawrence. The chick has serious star power. Just think about if you saw your best friend going home with Melissa McCarthy. Would you call your other buddies and be like, “Bro, check it out, Jason went home with a fat chick!” Or, the next time you saw Jason, would you be like, “Bro, you scored with Melissa McCarthy!” and genuflect like Wayne and Garth used to do when they met one of their rock idols. Her star power would improve your social standing about a billion times more than her weight would decrease it.
Some dudes hook up with fat chicks because they don’t want to put in the effort to win over a hot chick. But, if you’re thinking of trying that strategy on pop superstar Adele, don’t bother. The singer told Rolling Stone in 2011, “Even if I had a good figure, I’m getting my a** and t*** out for no one.” It’s good to see that Adele respects her body, even if it doesn’t look like Pamela Anderson‘s in the mid-90’s. And, why shouldn’t she? Even carrying some extra weight, the chick has mad s*x appeal and the talent of 100 mortals to go along with it. If you told your buddies you’d scored with Adele, is their first comment–after they pick their jaws off the floor–really going to be about her weight? I think not.
9. Ashley Graham
I’m old enough to remember when dudes would make jokes about shopping for their wives or girlfriends at Lane Bryant. The implication, of course, being that no dude would actually be seen with a chick who could fit into Lane Bryant clothing. How the times have changed. Now, the plus-size retailer counts chicks like Ashley Graham among its models. At five-foot-ten and sporting a size 16, Graham makes Lane Bryant clothes look just as hot as Kate Moss made those outfits you could fit on a toy doll look in the ’90s. Now, instead of snickering when I walk by Lane Bryant at the mall, I’m peeking inside, knowing there’s a pretty good chance I’m going to feast on some eye candy.
8. Amber Riley
Amber Riley is a hot fat chick who proves that proportions matter more than absolute size. If you zero in on just the Glee star’s stomach or calves, sure, they’re a lot bigger than ideal. But let’s cut the nonsense. Is anyone noticing Amber Riley’s stomach or calves first when they look at her? Not when she has T&A like that. It’s like how all these female groupies have come forward and said that Shaq, who’s seven-foot-one and over 300 pounds, isn’t packing below the belt. Do you REALLY think Shaq is anything less than above average? Of course not. But it’s all about proportions. A massive body can make even a large tool seem small, just like a big ol’ rack and caboose can minimize the appearance of a gut.
7. Kelly Clarkson
There’s an old joke saying food labels, in order to be more politically correct, should come in four types—fat free, low fat, reduced fat, and fat, but great personality. All jokes aside, Kelly Clarkson is a chick who might have gained a little weight as the result of having babies, but her personality is so good that it’s impossible to think of her as just a fat chick. Plus, she’s talented and rich, and it isn’t like her face stopped being pretty. If you think your buddies are going to make fun of you for scoring with Kelly Clarkson the way they made fun of you for kissing that chubby girl at the swimming pool the summer before 8th grade, it’s time to join the rest of us in the 21st century. If not, I’ll be happy to take your place with Kelly, and you can be damn sure I’ll brag about it.
6. Jennifer Coolidge
The nerdy kid from American Pie got plenty of props from his buddies after he scored with the deliciously thick Jennifer Coolidge on Stifler’s pool table. I didn’t hear anyone snickering or making fat jokes. I mean, why would they? Jennifer oozes with s*x appeal from her voice to her curves to her luscious lips. She’s another chick who proves that it’s all about proportions. If you can rock the hourglass figure, it doesn’t really matter if your waist is 24, 34, or even 40 inches around. If it’s noticeably smaller than your chest and rear, you’re still going to turn heads. And even at 50-plus years old, Jennifer is still turning heads, and scoring with her is still something that any dude at any age should feel free to brag about.
5. Missy Elliott
With lines in her songs like, “Take my thong off and my a** go boom,” “S*x me so good I say ‘blah blah blah’,” and, “Call before you come I need to shave my cho-cha,” Missy Elliott proves that a fat body can actually be an asset if you know how to work it. For all the fellas out there reading this, do you really think a romp in the sack with Missy would be anything less than a mind-blowing experience? The lyrics above are just the tip of the spear. Listen to any of her songs, and it’s clear that she’s all about pleasing her man. The only caveat is, you better have something that can please her too. Missy leaves no ambiguity in her lyrics that she prefers to have a lot to work with. If you catch what I’m saying.
4. Jennifer Hudson
Jennifer Hudson is another female celeb whose weight tends to yo-yo, so it’s hard to know for sure at any given time if she’s technically a big chick or not. But I look at the two pics above–the one on the left where she’s bigger and the one the right where she isn’t–and I realize something—it doesn’t even matter. I’m sportin’ wood either way. And if I had a chance to score with Jennifer at either weight, not only am I taking it, but I’m dabbing, doing the Dirty Bird, and brushing dirt off my shoulders all the way home. Then, I’m calling my buddies and bragging. If they make any fat jokes, I’m responding, “I scored with Jennifer Hudson last night. What did you do?”
3. Hunter McGrady
Political correctness isn’t my gig. So when Sports Illustrated announced that they were going to start featuring plus-size women in their swimsuit issue, it was easy to criticize them for bowing to it. After all, the concept of “body shaming” had just become popular, and it was clear that the magazine’s motivation was proving its tolerance and inclusiveness. Purely on principle, I didn’t like the idea. But then I saw their shoot with Hunter McGrady, and O-M-G I was wrong! The magazine should’ve included bigger chicks from the beginning. If I were to dig up my swimsuit issues from my teenage years in the ’90s, unstick the pages, and compare the chicks to Hunter McGrady, I’m pretty sure I’d choose Hunter over every single one of them.
2. Jill Scott
Jill Scott can do it all—sing, act, write poetry, and, regardless of her BMI, look damn good while doing any of it. Hailing from Philly, Jill attended Temple University and had plans of being a teacher. Then she got disillusioned with the idea, dropped out of college, and the rest is history. Can you imagine being a high school kid and having her as your teacher? She’s no Debra Lafave but if I were a 16-year-old male sitting her in class, my thoughts would’ve been more focused on how awesome it’d be to be “victimized” by her than on the Gettysburg Address. She’s married now, but her previous marriages and engagements haven’t lasted long. So if you’ve got your sights set on her, chances are, she’ll be back on the market soon.
1. Gabourey Sidibe
Gabourey Sidibe isn’t “plus size,” “curvy,” nor “a little extra.” She’s a straight up big chick, and she’s not ashamed of it. Witness the way she rocks short skirts and sleeveless tops to Hollywood events despite topping 300 on the scale. And you know what? She still gets plenty of stares and offers from dudes. That’s because s*x appeal doesn’t have a weight limit. If you think Gabby–despite being talented and sexy–is too heavy, the planet has 3.5 billion other dudes, and plenty of them could not care less about her weight. And besides, even if she is too heavy, there’s an easy solution for that. Just close your eyes and pretend you’re scoring with two chicks.
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