The amazing and precious thing about kids is that they have no filter. Equally, the worst thing about kids is that they have no filter. The kind of things we say and do behind closed doors are fair game when children are out and about, and sometimes, the embarrassment can make mommy and daddy want to die. When they say nothing can prepare you for having kids, they really mean nothing can prepare you for having kids!
Forget changing diapers and making the school run on time. Your most challenging moment as a parent will probably happen when you’re innocently running errands and your kid decides that it’s time to do something batsh*t crazy. In the middle of your grocery shopping, your precious little one blurts out something that your drunk self wouldn’t even say in a crowded place. And if they’re not saying something wildly inappropriate, they’re doing something that could get a grownup arrested.
At the end of the day, most kids don’t know any better, and what they say or do in public shouldn’t ever reflect their upbringing. But, that’s not how the parent sees it. Imagine running errands or visiting a guest’s house with the following tots. Could you survive these ordeals and ever live them down? Just reading these entries will make you want to curl up with awkwardness and give you a newfound respect for your mom. We’ve tracked down embarrassed (and partly anonymous) parent confessions for the most inappropriate things their kids have ever done in public. Warning: the cringe level is painful…
15. Don’t Ever Copy What Daddy Does
It can sometimes be cute when your kid starts to copy you by example—like your little girl tottering around in mommy’s heels or teaching your son how to put on a tie for the first time. But there are things you definitely don’t want them to pick up on—like daddy’s flirtatious behavior around mommy behind closed doors. One mom named Tracey revealed in a Facebook post that when her son was at a friend’s birthday party, he thanked the host for cake in an unexpectedly adult way.
It’s always good to hear your child say their pleases and thank you’s in front of a stranger, but what isn’t so great is to watch your son slap a woman on the butt saying, “Thanks for the cake, babe.” Tracey’s 2-year-old son had apparently seen his father do the same to her whenever she made a meal and assumed this was how you thank people for food. Oh dear.
14. Going Number 2 (In A Display Toilet)
Parenting 101: If your child desperately needs to answer nature’s call, don’t drag them around a store surrounded by fake toilets. That’s just cruel. Okay, we’re not entirely blaming the parents in this case because it seems like they were unaware that their child needed to go and this makes things even funnier (or cripplingly humiliating, depending on your sense of humor). The friend of this poor parent recalled the whole mortifying incident on Reddit.
Apparently, the father and his little girl were doing some shopping at Home Depot when the dad stopped to check his shopping list. At the same time, his daughter spotted a display toilet just crying out to be used (she was apparently potty training at the time). Without hesitating, she pulled down her trousers, hopped on, and did her business. We’re guessing daddy was paying for a lot more than just the items on his shopping list!
13. Not The Kind Of Weiner The Dog Was Expecting
A guy on Reddit recalled the time he saw something pretty messed-up—his girlfriend’s younger brother flashing his private parts at them and the family dog (and you thought your siblings were weird). While the guy and his girlfriend were watching a movie downstairs, their romantic date night was interrupted when her 5-year-old brother ran out of the shower and into the living room…completely naked.
If this scene wasn’t awkward enough for the sister and boyfriend, the boy then approached the family Jack Russel Terrier and tried to offer up–how can we put this delicately–his…sausage. According to the horrified boyfriend who was watching this unfold, the dog was fairly old and frail so the boy had to actually pry open the poor pooch’s jaw so he could put his “doggie treat” in the terrier’s mouth. Wtf. I’d suggest going to the movies on your next date.
12. Way Too Excited About Puss In Boots
Speaking of going to the movies, kids can get very excited when their fave film is showing in theatres. A little too excited, in fact, as one father found out. When one dad named Glen took his kids out to see the new Puss in Boots film in 2011, one of his three children obviously couldn’t contain their excitement once the film began. “When the lights dimmed and Puss appeared on screen,” Glen remembers, “my middle son screamed ‘It’s pussy time!’”
Oh wow! Most parents would have been wishing for the cinema seats to suck them into another dimension at this point, but luckily, father Glen saw the funny side. The second his son loudly declared his excitement for Pussy…cats, the whole theater erupted in laughter, and he couldn’t help but join them. The evil side of me kinda hopes that he tells this story on his son’s sweet sixteen.
11. The Well-Meant ‘Gift’
This list may be crammed with examples of “weird sh*t kids say,” but we don’t think any could top this story for the most embarrassing thing said in public. A red-faced Reddit user shared a story about a birthday trip to Pizza Hut that her family will likely never forget. It was her boyfriend’s 18th birthday, and she decided to make it a family celebration by inviting her folks and her 8-year-old brother along too. Innocent family fun, right? Hmmm…not so much.
When bellies were full up and it was time to pay the cashier before heading out, the girl’s younger brother loudly proclaimed to the birthday boy the words, “Hey, I’ll give you a b***job for your birthday!” As you can imagine, the whole restaurant went quiet. The boyfriend politely declined the offer, but the boy was insistent and stopped him from talking. The girl’s mom dragged the boy outside where he started crying that his gift had been rejected. How the hell does an 8-year old hear about b***jobs in the first place?!
10. Youth Vs. Age
Kids are delightfully honest about what they see and hear in the world, but their honesty isn’t always so cute and refreshing, especially when it causes a tumbleweed moment in the middle of a friendly conversation with a stranger. One mom named Jennifer recalls the time she got talking to a sweet elderly lady on the street when her son interrupted the niceties to bring the subject of mortality into the discussion (you can probably see where this is going).
In the middle of the friendly chat with the old lady, Jennifer’s son looked up at her and came flat out with the words, “Mom, is she going to die soon?” Mommy probably felt like dying in that situation too. We can’t be sure, but the sweet old lady presumably saw the funny side of having a stranger point out that she has one foot in the grave. Aren’t kids adorable?
9. TMI About Mommy’s Chest
So, you’re the mom of a toddler and a newborn and you’re trying to get on with life when your boobs start leaking in the middle of a busy grocery store. To make matters worse, your ultra-observant 4-year-old has just spotted that you’re leaking milk through your shirt and decides to announce this fact to everyone else. For the love of God, ground, please swallow me up, right? If only this poor mom had that luxury.
The mother who just left her name as Tasha on a confessional mom forum remembers that her 4-year-old daughter had told everyone in the vicinity that her mommy’s boobs were “making milk for the new baby.” It’s sweet that big sis sounded so stoked about the feeding habits of her new sibling, but we’re guessing mom was not so crazy about it. It didn’t help that Tasha’s daughter kept talking about boobs until they got out the store either. Cringe.
8. Slapping A Cheerleader’s Butt (Next To The Mayor Of Houston)
Most of the things on this list could get a grown man arrested or, at the very least, have him become a social pariah. Luckily, kids can get away with doing weird and inappropriate things in public because it’s all innocently motivated. But, judging by this next embarrassing story, I’m not so sure! On a Buzzfeed post, one mum confessed the time when her 3-year-old son slapped a Texan cheerleader on the butt while they were standing right next to the Mayor of Houston. Awkward…
Before a performance put on by the Houston Dynamo Girls, mom Jessa watched in horror as her little boy slapped one of the cheerleaders on the booty while they happened to be in the company of the then-Mayor of Houston, Annise Parker. This mom’s super confident little boy must have been on a step ladder or something because we’re not sure how a toddler could have reached that high. Hopefully, the cheerleader saw the funny side!
7. Not So Innocent Babysitter Game
We’ve all heard of the cliché of a boy having a crush on his babysitter, but this takes things to an uncomfortable new level. While looking after a group of three troublesome boys, one babysitter on Reddit recalls a time when the middle child was pretty fond of her and definitely wasn’t shy about it either! Most love-struck little boys might draw their babysitter a crayon picture of them getting married or something like that, but this confident young dude had other plans.
When the other boys were engrossed in their toys and games, the 5-year-old likes to engage his babysitter in a game he had made up called ‘fear factor’. The game involved the babysitter lying on the ground and pretending to scream while the boy would pretend to be a scary bug and crawl all over her. This seemed innocent enough until she realized that he kept wanting to play to rub his face over her chest. Big bowl of wrong.
6. Revealing A Birthmark…Down There
In another tale of a young boy being wildly inappropriate with a babysitter, one college girl saw far more than she needed to when playing “where’s your birthmark?” with a curious kid. While babysitting three kids over the summer vacation, the teen girl was playing on the backyard trampoline with the children when one of the boy’s asked curiously about the mark on her neck. When she told him it was a birthmark, he asked to show the babysitter his.
Being polite, the babysitter said “sure, why not,” but she probably should have asked where it was first of all. Without warning, the young boy yanked down his pants and underwear to show her the birthmark on his scrotum. Yikes! To make matters worse, the babysitter said that the backyard had no fence, so she was pretty eager for him to pull his pants up before any neighbors could mistake the scene for something else. Awkward AF.
5. A Very Adult Response After Being Smacked
No, not adult in that way, but the response of this boy was very–shall we say–beyond his years, and it most definitely made his mom embarrassed as hell. On a Reddit post, a friend of the mom in question recalled the time when the mother and son were traveling on the London underground when she slapped the boy for misbehaving. Her son had been running around the carriage making noises and being generally annoying so his mom lost it and smacked him hard on the arm.
Instead of crying or sulking in the corner for being shamed in public, the kid apparently paused and turned to look his mother square in the eye before saying, “Are you proud of yourself?” This may not be inappropriate in the way the other kids on this list are, but the very adult response of this kid after being punished is pretty unexpected and must have made the mom feel more embarrassed than if she had just let him run around the train. Ouch!
4. Playing Tug Of War With An Old Man’s Walker
You may have noticed that some elderly people like to put tennis balls on the end of their walking frames to help them glide better across the floor. You may have also noticed that some kids of a certain age love to bounce and chuck balls all over the place (can you guess where we’re going with this?). What may serve a functional purpose for one generation seems to be an exciting conquest for another, as this embarrassing story proves.
One red-faced mom on Facebook shared her horror story of losing her excitable 3-year-old in a crowded shopping mall, only to find him literally wrestling the tennis ball off some poor old man’s walker. The mom had heard her son yelling “Ball!” and when she found him, he had pulled one tennis ball off an elderly man’s walking aid and was trying to pry the other one off! She apologized repeatedly to the man and replaced the tennis balls, all while a crowd of onlookers stared. Not cool.
3. Bedroom Habits Busted
There are many things in this world that you try to shield your child from—violence, hunger, or the bottle of bleach under the sink. But no parent is perfect, and while they’re busy protecting them from these kinds of things, they often let their guard slip somewhere else—like letting their kid have free roam in their bedroom. Unfortunately, for a mom named Ashley, her kid found something very adult and kept it quiet until the worst possible moment.
When Ashley and her daughter were going about their day running errands, they walked by a police officer and her daughter was in the mood to play the memory game. After spotting a familiar object hanging from the officer’s belt, Ashely’s daughter shouted, “Look, Mommy, that policeman has handcuffs like the ones in your bedroom!” Learning that your child and a stranger know your kinky bedroom fetish in one sentence? Boy, this had to be painful. And not just any stranger either—a cop! This mom was probably red-faced for a month.
2. False Alarm
What mother doesn’t want to hear her child yell that they’ve soiled themselves in the middle of the grocery store? Thankfully, there was no actual diarrhea involved in this mortifying scenario, but this young girl’s choice of words would lead you (and most of the people in the store) to believe otherwise. While out food shopping with her two kids, one mom named Amy remembers hearing her youngest kid shout down the aisle to her “I have the squirts!”
Luckily, her overexcited daughter was only talking about the squeezy bottle of Hershey’s chocolate syrup, but by then, the deep shame of those words had already set in. (And presumably some poor store assistant overhearing this assumed that he had a dirty task ahead of him!) I‘ll never look at chocolate syrup in quite the same way again (and this girl’s mom has probably taken it off of all shopping lists in the future).
1. The Difference Between Boys And Girls
Sometimes, kids like to express themselves in a way we adults would never have the confidence to do. But while self-expression is a great and admirable thing, there’s nothing great about what this kid said (but it is pretty funny, nonetheless). When mom Meaghan finally told her young son about the main things that make boys and girls very different from each other, he decided to incorporate his newfound knowledge of biology into everyday life—specifically whenever he greeted people.
Instead of the classics like “How are you?” or Pleased to meet ya,” Meaghan’s son, John, went with a slightly different approach. After having his all-important ‘life chat’ with his mom, John started introducing himself (often to complete strangers) with the greeting: “Hi, I’m John and I do NOT have a v*gina.” It’ll certainly help people remember you; you gotta give him that. I wonder what his mom’s response was. “Hi, I’m his mom and…oh, look at the time!”
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