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15 Fails Inspired By Fifty Shades Of Grey

High Life
15 Fails Inspired By Fifty Shades Of Grey

Every generation has their version of that whispered about book. For me it was a toss-up between The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer and anything written by VC Andrews. Fifty Shades of Grey has reignited some of this sexually charged curiosity for women everywhere, with a market that seems to be most talked about among BDSM and exploring their own desires beyond the usual vanilla flavouring. The book alone sold 100 million copies around the world, so you could say it’s quite popular with the biggest demographic buying copies dubbed as “mom types”.

While the movie is rated R instead of given an X rating, there are still well over 20 minutes of scintillating scenes to get people’s engines running. Some in the BDSM community have criticized the portrayal of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele’s relationship, and his “dark” obsession with dominance. Others are happy because this movie and book has inspired people to get out there, talk about things they wouldn’t normally, and expand their carnal horizons.

Like anything else, when you’re new at it you’re not going to be a pro. Just the same, the motto, if you want to succeed, try, try again applies for the “grey” areas of sexuality. Here are 15 stories of people who attempted their own 50 shades of scenario without the results they anticipated.

15. Board Room Brouhahas

The average adult logs 90,000 hours at work over their lifetime. So it’s pretty understandable that many fantasize about spicing things up at the office, particularly in a power driven situation like negotiations in a boardroom. The boardroom scene is a particularly provocative one in Fifty Shades of Grey because it’s one of the few times that we see Anastasia really grab the figurative bull by the horns.

A woman named Mikita stumbled upon a Tinder profile of an “experienced NYC dominant looking for subs”. She was curious, so she connected and was advised to meet him at a fancy hotel boardroom for an interview. After half an hour alone in the boardroom, a less than attractive guy walked in, but managed to charm her out of her clothes. He started pulling her hair and going downtown when hotel security busted in and informed the pair that they were going to be arrested. Mikita managed to convince them not to call the police while the “Dom” began begging, pleading, and snivelling to the hotel staff to let him go. A few minutes after the incident Mikita received another text trying to arrange the next business meeting. It was a deal she had to refuse.

14. I Said Crack That Whip

Halloween is a fun holiday, you get to dress up and pretend to be someone completely different, even if it is just for one night. Much like Halloween, BDSM can be an exciting escape for some. A woman name Lucy was really stoked about her boyfriend’s sexy Indiana Jones costume. The attire included a homemade whip fashioned out of a sturdy cord. He also put a weed whacker wire on the end of his whip to give it a little extra zing. So excited about her BF’s costume, and not a stranger to a little spanking and whip play, Lucy thought it might be fun to use the costume prop in their escapades instead of his belt. The black line left on her behind lasted all the way to the following Halloween. Ouch!

13. Self-Play Injuries

You’d think a veteran to the scene would know their limits, but accidents still happen from time to time. This BuzzFeed reader had been in the BDSM scene for nearly six years when they made a rookie mistake of not being careful enough. Intrigued by caning, they bought a pair of rattan canes to play with. Pleased with their new toy they decided to engage in a practice round, hitting them against their bed to test the quality and durability of their purchase. During a particularly hard whack, one of the thin canes jolted up smacking its “master” in the face with a tremendous force. Several explicatory screams later, in addition to new toys, this displeased customer had a bright blue bruise across their eye and cheek that hung around for nearly two weeks.

12. Pull My Hair…Off?

Hair is a big deal in terms of attraction. Safety also comes into play when you’re experimenting with new things; be it hair pulling or candle wax. Perhaps that’s why Christian Grey always wants Anastasia’s hair tied back when she’s in the red room. One woman talks about an awkward encounter where she had her hair in a messy bun with a fake hair extension wrapped on top of it to make her hair appear longer. The aspiring Mr. Grey decided to grip onto her bun and was surprised when his lady’s hair fell off into his hand, yelling and throwing it across the room. Luckily she had a good sense of humour about it, and wasn’t able to stop laughing. Another couple decided to try some blindfolded candle play, only to set his flame’s hair on fire. When he dropped the candle to put out her hair he also set fire to a towel.

11. Don’t Tickle Me Elmo

A light tickle can be used to enhance touch sensations. Just look at how Anastasia reacts when Christian uses the feather duster in Fifty Shades of Grey; it can be an erotic experience, but it’s not for everyone. Some people do not like being tickled. One woman had trouble getting it across to her ex that a light tickle was not her cup of tea. He used to tickle her all the time because he liked the way she wiggled when he tickled, despite a constant reminder that she was not a fan. Since she was a very ticklish person she lost control of her body when being tickled. Her ex was on top of her tickling her and found out the hard way that ‘no means no’ when she accidentally kneed him at full force in the balls. Let’s hope her message was received.

10. The Voyeuristic Playroom

If you’re rich like Christian Grey, you don’t need to spare any expense in ensuring that your “playroom” is without windows and completely soundproof. In the real world people need to improvise, and sometimes they forget a critical detail or two. One woman found out the hard way that she was putting on quite the show for her neighbours. She had a submissive who she was stringing up in order to practice some breath play together. Neither noticed that when he was strung up on her “modified” bondage table that he was in complete view of the next door neighbours. The police showed up and were insistent on going upstairs to talk to the gentleman caller to make sure that everything was on the up and up, and completely consensual.

9. 50 Shades Of Prison Sentences

The New York Post reported on a Fifty Shades of Grey like relationship with an epic break up that led into a heated altercation and an arrest. The two players were a 53-year-old investment banker with an Ivy League education and his 27-year-old “slave”, Frankie Santiago (AKA Althea Lyn) whose relationship purpose was to meet his every need. After Frankie found out her master of three years of leather-bound fun was cheating on her, she decided it was time for revenge, and she didn’t hold anything back. She shattered his car windshield, sent him 40 threatening text messages, and was eventually arrested at his East 57th Street New York apartment where she once served him dutifully. She was charged with stalking, criminal mischief, and aggravated harassment.

8. Dangerous Liaisons

When you amp up the sexual wattage it’s bound to cause some electricity. One person was having relations with his girlfriend who was noisy. Knowing that his roommates were home, he thoughtfully suggested that she just bite his hand to stifle some of the screaming. She bit down, hard. The considerate roommate ended up with a souvenir of six stitches. A Reddit reader divulged that she has a penchant for unintentionally inflicting pain on her partners. When she tried out a flogger on her partner she mistakenly nailed him in the face. The first time she tried candle wax, she burned him, and he still has a scar on his chest from their randy adventures. Thankfully, he has a good sense of humour about the entire thing. Another Reddit reader wrote of intense encounters gone wrong by pondering, “Does dislocating your kneecap mid-thrust count as hilarious?”

7. 50 Shades Of Divorce Filings

Since Fifty Shades of Grey is most popular among the “mom” demographic, it’s no surprise that many women wanted to use the book and movie as inspiration to spice up their own long term relationships. A British Banker in the midst of a mid-life crisis felt trapped in a boring near chaste rut with her husband. After her attempts at sexy lingerie failed, she suggested that they try to re-enact some content from Christian Grey’s repertoire. When her husband found out the source of inspiration he was unimpressed and turned her down flat, blaming her boredom on “reading that bloody book”. Apparently this was the limit for his wife, who filed for divorce because of her husband’s “unreasonable behaviour” which is one of the five grounds you can use to file for divorce under English family law.

6. Plan Your Escape Before You Submit

This couple was in a long distance relationship and wanted to make their rare moments together extra memorable. The duo bought a set of restraints similar to the zip ties Christian purchased from the hardware store where Anastasia worked. That night, during a threesome, they decided to play with their new toy and put one person into the restraints. The problem was they were really uncomfortable. The couple, turned threesome soon discovered there was no release mechanism on the restraints, and the instructions were not in English. They tried to cut the ties with little luck, and finally someone ran over to another friend’s apartment to get their hands on a set of industrial artist scissors. 45 minutes later she was free, but she was left with zip tie marks on her wrists for months.

5. Superman Can’t Fly

One of the dangers of role play is when people get carried away. One woman talks about a dress-up fantasy gone completely wrong. She was pretending to be a kidnapped, blindfolded, damsel in distress who needed to be saved by Superman. Fully committing to his role as The Man of Steele he decided that he was going to take a flying leap off of a dresser to save his lady. Apparently Superman has some depth perception issues and slammed his head into the wooden headboard, knocking himself out cold. Blood was everywhere, but the blindfolded damsel didn’t know what was going on until she felt blood drip on her. She managed to pull herself out from the wreckage of The Metropolis Marvel, take off her blindfold and dial 911.

4. Playroom With Roomies

Since Christian Grey is a rich guy, he can afford a luxurious place that has its own playroom (we’re assuming he tells his family it’s his panic room). Regular folks don’t normally have a room they can dedicate to more carnal pleasures so they need to improvise. Those with roommates usually try and schedule “play time” for when they know they’re going to have the apartment to themselves for at least a few hours. A BuzzFeed reader dished about a romantic and thrilling night in. She had her girlfriend blindfolded and handcuffed and the pair were both wearing lingerie. She had just finished giving her little lady a hot oil massage and went to the kitchen to get some ice when the roommate came home. Al panicked, slipped on the floor, tossing ice everywhere, all while her blindfolded girlfriend was panicking because she couldn’t move or see, but she knew that her roomie could see her in the doorway.

3. Ropy Situations 

Rope play isn’t for everyone. One former girl scout who likes being tied up is also skilled at untying knots, as such she knows she can be a pretty annoying sub who openly critiques her partner’s knot tying skills. We’re pretty sure that Christian Steele wouldn’t have been thrilled if Anastasia had mocked his single or double column ties, although he probably wouldn’t have said anything, he simply would have intensified his stare which is so profound that it might even melt clothes off a person. Another adventurous lover had forgotten that they were claustrophobic prior to engaging in some rope play. One panic attack later, his girlfriend had to use a pocket knife to set the cagey sub free. For anyone who wants to try this at home: make sure you know each other’s limits and communicate openly about when it’s time to cut the rope (sometimes literally).

2. I’ll Take A Refund Please

Not afraid to cash in on the popularity of the Fifty Shades of Grey brand, there was a branded lubricant inspired by the series. Apparently the product was unable to uphold its end of the “contract” with customers. One woman in California was unimpressed with the results of her purchase of “Fifty Shades of Grey Come Alive Pleasure Gel For Her” and filed a lawsuit. Tania Warchol sued Fifty Shades author E.L. James, not just for her own displeasure, but for anyone who had purchased the product over the past several years since it promised to have, “beneficial and aphrodisiac properties to increase pleasure and enhance” sexual experiences and did not meet the advertised promises. Warchol wanted a full refund and punitive damages for herself and anyone else who was left unsatisfied.

1. There’s Nothing Grey About These Shades

A University of Chicago student named Mohammad Hossein blamed the film Fifty Shades of Grey for an incident that led to charges against him. The student invited a woman whom he’d previously had relations with to his dorm where the two engaged in a completely consensual hookup – that was until Hossain decided to bind his partner’s hands and legs with belts and shove a tie into her mouth. He also used a knit cap to blindfold her. When he hit her with a belt, the woman asked him to stop saying that he was hurting her, still he continued, and began to punch her. She said she was able to get free, until he pinned her arms behind her back when he assaulted her. Fortunately, his roommate showed up, and despite Hossain’s attempts to block the door his captive escaped. The woman laid charges, but they were dismissed since the judge found no probable cause, presumably since she didn’t say anything when he bound her wrists or supposedly assaulted her. You know what’s hotter than Fifty Shades of Grey style action? Consent! Saying yes once doesn’t mean yes forever, even if you are Christian Grey.

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