Common sense and a history of traffic fatalities and accidents lead us to believe that drinking and driving are one of the worst combinations out of anything humans could come up with. Nevertheless, while we do think it is one of the most dangerous things you could do while drunk, we don’t think driving is playing alone in that league. Why?
Well, if you have had to ask that question, we can safely assume that you are quite the straight-edge person and never had the trouble of texting someone while you were heavily intoxicated. Yes, drinking and texting might not cause a fatality like drinking and driving, but it can be just as dangerous for your life and personal relationships. Seriously, we cannot enforce this enough. Do not text while you are drinking. The first terrible thing that could happen is that you text the wrong person the wrong thing. Just imagine you are sending a text to someone you met on Tinder, and you want to meet up later tonight to do whatever you are gonna do. But instead of hitting the contact for that person, you accidentally hit the contact for your boss. That is gonna be quite the explaining you are going to have to do on Monday.
There are also those overly sincere texts that you send to your friends while drunk. These can also include texts to family members, as you will see very early on in this list. Either way, the bottom line is don’t text while you’re drinking, and here are 15 reasons why.
15 Dragon Drunk
You have never gotten drunk enough until you got so plastered that you thought you were a dragon. If we have to balance things out, it would be unwise for is not to say that feeling–even for just a second–that you could be a dragon has to be awesome. The problem here is that the way this person felt that she was becoming a dragon might not have been the most pleasant of things.
The feeling after you throw up can sometimes be one of relief since you got everything that is wrong in your system out of there. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. This person is just violently throwing up in what we can only assume was one of the most painful sessions over a toilet that anyone has ever gone through.
One way or the other, you can’t deny that calling yourself the “Burninator” might have made everything worth it. Or not.
14 Mom's Garden Or Farmville
Let’s be honest here, guys. No one really liked Farmville, right? At least, that is the one thing we all have to say to keep ourselves from ever going back to that damn game. The freaking thing is like a black hole that drags you in and never lets you out. It’s the same thing as Candy Crush or Flappy Bird. Damn those gaming developers who come up with the most simple of ideas and turn them into games that we simply cannot stop playing. Imagine how many things you could have accomplished if you had just left the cellphone to the side for a bit and forgotten about Farmville and done some real work instead. You could’ve probably written a book, published some articles, or whatever else you ever wanted to do with your life.
Thank God we have drunk people like this one to dig up someone else’s garden and yell what we are all thinking. “F**k Farmville!”
13 Mom Is Doing It
So, your parents probably have been drinking since before you were even born. That is unless you are one of the few people who doesn’t have parents who drink which, given the amount of parents we have seen featured in the subject of drunk texting, we don’t believe is the majority of the mom and dad population.
If you have a mom who drinks, there is a good chance that one day you are going to find yourself facing a text like this. First of all, shame on that AutoCorrect that did not correct ‘lobe’ to ‘love.’ Aside from that, it is not that hard to find moms getting drunk at an Olive Garden. But if we had to give a piece of advice to the next person who faces a drunk text from their mom, it would be not to answer it until the coast is clear. If you do choose to answer it, you might have to face the fact that your mom could be as savage as the mom on this drunk text.
So, we all do stupid things when we’re drunk, right? The best and, at the same time, the worst trait of an intoxicated person is their sincerity. A wise man once said that a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. You literally just lose your filter when you’re plastered. And that can come for better or for worse. Some people use alcohol to get things out of their chest. Sometimes, you really need to say something that you don’t have the courage to say when you are sober.
Other times, however, you go around telling everyone about how much you love Twilight, and you try to fight one of your friends because he was “Team Jacob.” Yeah, we don’t think it gets worse than this one. Not only did this drunk legend admit that he loved Twilight, but he also admitted that he was “Team Edward.” Come on, man. You can do better than this. SMH.
11 Got A DUI
Most nights you can probably get drunk and have fun with your friends without any lingering consequences. Of course, we have to forget about the hangover you are going to have the next day, but other than that, you come out mostly unscathed except for a bruise or two from falling as you tried to keep yourself steady and balanced while walking home. Other times, however, you have to deal with severe consequences of the actions you took while you were intoxicated.
The worst of them all has to be when you decide to drive drunk. Not only are you putting yourself and everyone around you in danger, but you are also probably going to get stopped by the cops and end up with a DUI. As the legend goes, there are people who seem sober enough that they say they can talk their way out of getting arrested. The reality, however, is that if you ask the cop to use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status, you are probably not doing this right.
10 This Has To Be Fake
So, our idea here is that this is an entry that has to be fake. At the same time, we cannot help but imagine the hilarious and terrifying prospect that is the idea that something like this could have happened or that it probably has happened to someone, somewhere around the world. And for better or for worse, we have to agree that this has to be as far as anyone will go to make a hilarious statement.
After all, we have seen people who are drunk enough to do things no one would believe they would be capable of doing if they only met them while they were sober. There are savages out there, and we must remember that. At the same time, we cannot imagine a situation where someone could watch another person shove batteries up the land of no return and do nothing to stop them. This, ladies and gentlemen, has to be the most savage entry on our list.
9 What Is Going On?
One of the things that usually happens when you are drunk is that you lose a sense of things. Some people can get very philosophical and have epiphanies while they are intoxicated. The vast majority of folks, on the other hand, just completely lose focus and don’t have any idea of what they are doing, what’s going on around them, or if the world is going to end anytime soon. If you have gotten plastered, you know that you really don’t care about anything, unless you REALLY care about that one very specific thing. There is no gray area. Being drunk is black and white.
That being said, this is the first time we have heard of someone who got so drunk that he replied a text from himself on his own phone. Seriously, how much did this guy have to drink? The other thing we have to wonder is if Alex ever returned that text or how much he laughed when he read the question and response.
One of the worst things you could possibly do is drink around your parents. Unless you are part of a family that usually does their drinking together and your parents don’t really care about how intoxicated you are, this is a bad idea. The drunk you is absolutely not the person your parents raised you to be. Don’t try to argue this. You know that it is true.
The drunk you is someone who doesn’t have any filters, someone who does what he/she thinks, and literally does not care about what his/her parents are thinking about his/her actions. The drunk you is someone who will yell at your father to stop the damn car because he’s going to run over a badger. Obviously, you didn’t realize the car was already stopped, but you just had to make sure that the little badger would make it across the street without your father driving over it.
7 I Can Text
You know you are getting drunk when you start losing your body coordination. Hand-to-eye reflexes are just gone after you reach a certain limit of inebriation. There are people who resist for longer, but at some point, they are going to reach their limit as well. After you are not physically able to move like you usually do comes the process of not being able to use your fingers like you usually do. That is when you lose the ability to text. That is the place where you completely forget to double-check what you are sending, and at the same time, you cannot even read what is popping up on the screen.
That, my friends, is when you want to be the friend receiving the drunk text. Be it because of AutoCorrect or the drunken blabber of somebody who cannot control his/her fingers, trying to make out what a drunk person is trying to text is just hilarious.
6 Wrong Number
Drunk people are no strangers to texting things to wrong numbers. Usually, when you are texting something to someone while you are intoxicated, you are often using one of your contacts. So, if you wrongfully text someone, it is probably going to be someone you know. In the few times when you don’t have a person’s number, there is the off chance that you could end up texting a complete stranger, and this is where the magic happens.
Receiving a drunk text from a complete stranger is one of the funniest things that can happen to you. Sure, it can be annoying if it wakes you up at two in the morning and you have to be up at six for work the next day, but it usually happens around 10 or 11, and it can make up for losing a few minutes of sleep. This fella right here just tried a nice and long explanation, but at the end of the day, when you are dealing with drunk people, you have to go down to their level to be understood.
At some point in your life, you totally wanted to be Harry Potter. Or at least someone who lived in the Harry Potter universe. Who would not want to be able to do magic? So, you can imagine what happens when a Harry Potter fan finds himself or herself plastered at a bar and suddenly realizes there is a large figure by the pool table. A figure that looks like a half-giant guy you saw in a movie once. Yes, you have just spotted Hagrid. All you have to do is go up to him and ask him to take you to Hogwarts. That is how you are going to become a wizard, and that is how the rest of your life is going to be awesome.
The only problem is that things like this usually don’t happen in real life. So, when you see Hagrid at a bar, you are probably just looking at a biker dude. And when you ask “Hagrid” to take you to Hogwarts, you are doing nothing more than hugging a biker dude and getting a sniff of his beard.
We tried to tell ourselves over and over again that when we get drunk, we are going to maintain at least a little bit of focus. All you need to do is seem like you know what’s going on, and no one will know that you are drunk. Well, you should’ve thought of that before you decided to start texting someone. While in a person-to-person conversation, you could probably keep up with a half-sober person, through text there is nothing you can do to make yourself seem sane.
As we have said before, your fingers don’t work the same, and your brain is just floating on a high tide of alcohol. You have no idea what is going on, and the person you are talking to probably has no idea what is going on either. That is the magic of the drunk text. Now, throw the first stone on the person here who never had an incoherent conversation through texting like this one while they were drunk.
Unfortunately, there are people who get extremely violent when they are drunk, but these are usually people who are already violent when they are sober. The vast majority of folks who enjoy having more alcohol than they can handle are people who get a “lovey” feeling when they are drunk. When people are plastered, they want nothing but to love everyone. We’re not talking about the Bill Cosby kind of love or whatever an NFL player would do. We are talking about a general love for things. Everything that is happening is great, and you feel awesome while living it.
Take our buddy Jason here for example. We don’t know if he’s texting his girlfriend, a friend, or whoever else he might be texting. All we know is that Jason got bombed with alcohol and is now texting lovey-dovey stuff to whoever is in the receiving end of this hilarious drunk text. Now, we just hope that there is some kind of vodka called Baby. Because we hope Jason would not be capable of drinking “a baby and a half dozen of babies.”
2 AutoCorrect Nightmare
There is nothing worse than AutoCorrect. It is that one thing people invented in order to help everyone, but ended up backfiring so bad that you will seldom find a person on this Earth who is okay with using AutoCorrect. Sometimes, this thing corrects words to something that doesn’t even resemble what you are trying to type. Now, just imagine the trouble you would have if AutoCorrect is active while you are drunk. That doesn’t sound like a walk in the park, does it?
This is the challenge that Jennie had to face. All she wanted was to tell her friend that she was happy that she had gotten her hands on a glowstick. And who doesn’t like glowsticks? They are awesome, especially if you are drunk at a party. Unfortunately, it literally took her five attempts to type glowstick on her phone. And when she managed to get it done, she only did it because she spelled it letter by letter.
Last but not least, we have a classic drunk text to your boss that will unavoidably get you fired from whatever gig you have. No one can really enforce it enough by saying you should probably not text your boss when you are intoxicated. We have already gone through a lot of wrong things that can happen while you are drunk texting. We had the mom who was extremely savage with her daughter, we had friends thinking they were dragons while throwing up, but we had yet to see someone who felt the liberty to text something to their boss saying that they had been a jerk all week. Well, this person wasn’t really trying to text their boss, but this is the risk you take when you don’t check, double-check, and triple-check things while you are drunk texting people.
Yeah, people, we think this is a good note to end because there is nothing really worse that can happen to you while drunk texting than getting fired from your job because you sent the wrong message to your boss.