"She had man hands.”
“She's everything I ever wanted in another human being…except for the walking.”
“She wasn’t my type.”
“She went out with Newman!”
If you’ve ever seen Seinfeld or have been in more than one relationship, or you've lived on this planet for at least ten years or so, then you know of at least one relationship that's ended for silly reasons. All of the people who have had this experience more than once, unfortunately, know that there are all kinds of breakups to be had.
But past all of the hardship, there are some real jerks out there who have tried and succeeded to find new ways of ending relationships– ranging from terrible to hilarious. This list is full of all kinds of weird ways and reasons to end a relationship. Here are 15 Savage Confessions Of The Worst Reasons People Dumped Their BF/GF.
15 She Had To Have Seen It When She Went To The Bathroom...
Can you imagine swiping up, left, down, and all around for seemingly hours and days on end, and you finally find someone who is amazing looking and, on paper, it looks like you're a match. You muster up the courage to ask them out, they accept and as you're talking across the dinner table from one another, the really cute girl with a perfectly symmetrical face and winning smile has a giant booger hanging from her nose?!
That's what happened to Sam, who didn't call a girl back after the first date for this exact reason. That, and the fact that she headed for the bathroom at one point too, which would mean she would have had to have seen herself in the mirror.
“She either saw it and ignored it, or another one manifested. Either way, she had to go.” Rihanna could have been sitting across the table from the guy and she wouldn't have gotten a second look.
14 Can’t Compete With The Su-Fi
As evidenced by another entry on our list, a sense of humor is one of the most alluring things about a person. Sure, abs, butts, chests, and other accoutrements are hyper-attractive and are what attracts people to each other at first. But past all of the initial impressions, it is shared interests that keep us together, unless of course, you have to compete with said interests.
31-year-old Charlie confessed that he was simply no match for the stand-up comedy of Dane Cook. When a girl invited him over, she had put one of his specials on. Try as he might to share in her interests, the girl kept her eyes on the TV instead. Charlie said, “it was probably the lowest point of my life; my make out skills were overpowered by the comedic talents of Dane Cook.”
13 Eating Habits
Obviously, couples love eating together, so both men and women better mind their manners and etiquette.
One man shared his tale of taking his girl to a local brewery where she was nearly in tears over no vegan options on the menu. When he asked her to pick a different spot, she ended up ordering non-vegan fish tacos at the restaurant she chose.
How about this woman emasculating her man when he ordered salmon: “order a burger like a man.” Another man ordered a burger while his girl got nothing, but when he got back from the bathroom she had eaten his entire burger. Then there are picky eaters, “He didn’t eat anything but potatoes, peanut butter, and ramen. He wasn’t a broke college student, just a (bleep) picky eater.”
12 Early Relationship Presumptions
It’s a rough business getting to know one another. Being in a relationship, at least the early months of it, is just like a new job. You’re always on your toes and on your best behavior. Always trying to impress the other person. But then it comes time to try and make some sort of move or grand gesture to show that it might be time to move forward. But these presumptions and gestures don’t always work out so well.
One user, Bizroy, detailed his very first date with a lady at his house. In the five minutes that he went to let the dog out, she had grabbed his razor and shaved. Since Bizroy hadn’t shaved in a while the razor should have been clean, so the hair all over it and shaving cream all over the bathroom was enough to end the relationship.
The most presumptuous and invasive story would have to be one women’s tale of a complete d-bag who, at three weeks in, thought it would be a good idea to take her key and move all of his stuff in at 4 AM, saying it was a “surprise.” Lesson learned: not all surprises are good ones.
11 The Stench Of Breakup
When you’re in a relationship, you have to be attracted to the other person in order to lay with them, which is a very important part of being together. That’s all physical and certainly, smelling funky isn’t going to help that.
One girl, Jennifer, didn’t like the smell of one guy’s cologne. But that’s just the tip of the smelly iceberg. Another guy felt that his girl reeked of Campbell’s Beef Veggie Soup. All. The. Time.
One of the more interesting stench stories came from Brad - he stopped seeing a girl when he realized her skin smelled like burnt toast. “It wasn’t a lotion or anything. I’ll never understand if, but anytime you leaned in close it smelled like an uncleaned toaster.”
10 The 'How I Met Your Mother' Philosophy
Sometimes guys and girls can remind their significant others of someone else, whether it is their mom or dad, an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend; it’s not their fault, they just remind them of someone they don’t like or of a beloved family member and it creeps them out. One girl simply couldn’t stand the fact that her boyfriend was like Josh Radnor, aka Ted of How I Met Your Mother fame. Hopefully just in the looks department, and the poor sap wasn’t hijacking random instruments from restaurants for her.
While looking like Josh Radnor or being a hopeless romantic might be a turn on for some (but not all), being like Barney in real life wouldn’t help any dude’s case. One lady couldn’t stand how her ex incorporated the series into his own life. He had a slap bet for Christ’s sake. But the last straw came when she tried to talk to him about her anxiety and depression and his response was something to the effect of Barney’s “I stop being sad and be awesome instead” mantra.
When she saw that episode a few weeks later, she knew it was time to split.
9 Baby Talk Is NOT Hot
We all fall victim to it every now and again; when there is a brand-new bundle of joy in the room, plenty of us feel compelled to do our silliest impression of a baby in hopes of making the kid laugh because in case you didn’t know, the world runs on baby giggles.
But in a coupling that doesn’t yet included a baby? It's not cool to use baby talk; its just not cool and wears thin real fast, especially when the dude is a hulking 6’4 and 250. One girl confessed that several weeks into dating the guy, he’d use a tiny nasally, lispy baby voice and say things like “oh mah gerd", and had a movie quote for every scenario. It was grounds for her ghosting him.
Even when you’re doing your best to let it go, it might be better to trust your instincts. Another lady explained as much and– at the suggestion of her mother– brought the guy to her birthday dinner. If chatting like a tyke wasn’t bad enough, imagine her horror when he handed a card to her folks and it was handwritten card thanking her folks for doing the deed and creating her.
8 Even In Her Dreams, He Better Apologize
The greatest boxer of all time, Muhammad Ali, once famously stated: “if you even dream of beating me, you’d better wake up and apologize.” The quote has been reused in some great movies too, like Reservoir Dogs.
We know that no matter how perfect a couple may be on the inside and out, fights and arguments occasionally happen. Sadly, sometimes even guys (or even girls) are creepos who step out on their significant others. It’s usually a crushing blow dealt to any relationship.
But it gets even weirder when the girl is begging for an apology after being cheated on in a dream. One guy recalled a story where his girl demanded this after having a nightmare that he cheated on her. With her sister of all people. According to several dream websites, this could mean a dearth of things ranging from lack of trust to low self-esteem. But in any event, it was cause for the guy to leave.
7 Don't Have Fun Alone When Out In The Open...
When you date someone long enough, there’s bound to be embarrassing moments between you two. Even between your significant other’s family and yourself, there is bound to be a moment or two you’re not fond of remembering but every now again everyone likes to laugh about it. Walking in on someone in the bathroom, or accidentally bumping into someone and grabbing a body part comes to mind. But what happens when its your own doing?
One guy was on vacation with his then-girlfriend and her family. There was an outdoor shower and, for some reason, even amongst the girlfriend’s family he began to, as Estelle Costanza once put it, “use his body for an amusement park.” Then that eerie feeling that someone was watching crept through.
That’s because they were; you could look down into the outdoor shower, and the GF's mom and aunt were looking down and laughing. Instead of manning up, he tucked tail (so to speak), got into his car and headed home, never calling her again.
6 Is Honesty The Best Policy?
Obviously, no one likes to be lied to and everyone preaches how they’d like their significant others to be honest with them about everything. Sometimes being too honest is a bad thing though. Like when the person you’re dating never. Shuts. Up. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield said it best when he joked, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
But rather than live Rodney’s kind of life, one guy had the opportunity to take out a very lively and beautiful neighbor, but then she just wouldn’t stop talking.
“I should say at this point that I had recently been commended at work for my honesty. At one point in the evening, my nerves frayed by the one-sided conversation, she said he mother thought she talked too much, what did I think? My honesty ensured; we never had a second date.”
5 Mama’s Boy
There is an old theory that the way a boy treat his mother is indicative of how he treats women in general, and obviously whatever relationships he will have. One would assume that the ideal level would be a level of friendship that isn’t weird or creepy. For older readers, think about how well Brandon Walsh treated his mum on 90210.
But then there are some sons who get way too close to their mothers. One girl’s startling confession spoke about a Mama’s Boy whom she got along with great... then she got stood up. She called him to find out what went down but the guy was really distant with her. Finally, he started to cry.
It turns out that not only was he a Mama’s Boy, he did whatever she asked of him too– she insisted that he break up with the girl and go out with someone from their church instead.
4 No Sense of Humor
We all know that when two people connect on all kinds of levels, it’s pretty magical. When the person you want to spend most of your time with likes the same food, the same TV shows, and plenty of your other interests and encourages you to enjoy the rest of your interests that you might not share; that is one of the great secrets on how to make a loving relationship click.
Most interests are subjective. Take a sense of humor for one. If people either aren’t laughing at the same things you do, laugh at other things you don’t see as comical– or worse, just don’t laugh at all– it could be a hurdle that a couple might never get over.
Robert, a 28-year-old, showed his girl The Chappelle Show and she wasn’t laughing at any of the comedian’s antics, one of the most universally accepted funniest shows of the past 20 years, and this girl barely cracked a smile, if at all. Another person who didn’t crack a smile was Morgan, 24, whose date showed him “Bad Lip Reading” videos on YouTube.
3 Say What?
You've got the first date awkwardness out of the way and things are going swimmingly enough that you're moving to the next level: an invite to the girl's house to make a scrumptious dinner. You cook together, share a few laughs and drink some good Cabernet to loosen you both up. You make your move and she's all gung-ho for it, too. It's getting hot and heavy. Then things sadly and unfortunately get weird when you get down there.
We all have imperfections on our bodies here and there but when your nether regions are squawking like an African condor you might have a mood killer in your hands. Or enough piercings to make a guy feel like he was fiddling around with a toolbox, which sometimes is a real turn off.
2 No Concept Of Miles
When The Proclaimers’ “500 Miles” gets stuck in your head, seldom does it get out easily. Generally speaking, most people do believe that long-distance relationships are hard to deal with, if not impossible. There is a general understanding of what long distance actually is. Sometimes it's across states, sometimes across continents and countries, but no matter the situation, long-distance is certainly not the points in-between boroughs.
Megan once stopped dating a guy because he lived in Bed-Stuy– a neighborhood in Brooklyn– and Megan was so much farther away (on a whole different island, in fact) in the middle of Hell’s Kitchen. Yes, New York City traffic and train schedules can be a complete nightmare, but at worst, when the MTA is operating smoothly it would only take an hour, which is standard travel time for just about anywhere in NY and its outer boroughs.
So while you could “do or die in Bed-Stuy,” for Megan you weren’t allowed to date outside of it.
1 Obsessed Much?
Have you ever met a clingy guy? They're worse than clingy girls! Most of us, while not necessarily liking a clingy girl, at least it's kind of accepted. From a stereotypical perspective, they always want to know what a guy is doing and who they're doing it with. Girls typically are more inquisitive than guys, and more affectionate too.
When a guy does it though, it can get really creepy really fast, like six-dates-in fast – that's what Julia experienced when she went on date number six with some guy – there was a scavenger hunt involved with pillows, wine, grapes, classical music, candles; all taking place in the backwoods of this guy's house.
So depending on a person’s feelings about the topic, they either just found the man of her dreams or a creepy psycho killer. Julia clearly thought she might end up dead in those woods and bailed.
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