I’m going to come clean right up front with all of you gentle readers. This article is not about that terrible old TV show The Honeymooners, where the detestable Ralph Kramden used to utter those awful words ,“One of these days Alice, Pow! Straight to the moon!” So if you just dropped in hoping for some dishy confessions about spousal abuse, Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, and the rest of the Honeymooners gang you’re spit out of luck, as the saying goes. If you don’t know what I’m talking about don’t bother Googling it; we live in the 21st century now and don’t need to be reminded how terribly dull and unenlightened the 1950s most likely were.
Anyway, I’ve really brought you here today to talk about the truly crazy confessions people have made about their actual honeymoons over the years. This should really be pretty fun because, if you think about it, who doesn’t love a little laughter or vicarious chills at someone else’s expense. No one, that’s who! We all want to hear the sob stories, the horror stories, and the comedy of errors stories other people suffer through — it makes us feel better about ourselves, doesn’t it?
Honeymoons are supposed to be a time of joy and a time of relaxation for newly married couples. They are not supposed to be a cavalcade of horrors. They are not supposed to end poorly or turn into a nightmare. That’s what makes the following confessions from honeymooners so horrendous — these were people getting ready to have the time of their lives and instead the weird, the unsettling, the annoying, the unfortunate, and the downright scary settled in instead. So kick back and hear all about 15 horrible confessions of honeymooners that make us never want to get hitched.
15. Good Thing We Brought Beach Towels
We start off our trip through honeymoon hell with a story that, while perhaps not the worst thing we are going to hear in the entries to come, is still something that could potentially torpedo a marriage well before it even sets sail. Or, to be less figurative, takes off. You see this particular experience is all about that dreaded horror of the modern world — the airlines. It’s from Reddit user “Kittenkaboodle17” who related that she and her new husband had booked a flight to an exotic honeymoon destination; we don’t know where, but we do know it was exotic because they had beach towels with them. That’s an important part of the story, by the way.
So Kittencaboodle17 and her hubby get to the airport and immediately their flight is delayed. This happens to them multiple times. The airline is of no help. The hotels are full. The two end up spending their honeymoon night not in a cabana toasting each other by candlelight, but by sleeping on the cold, hard, concrete floor of the airport, wrapped in their beach towels. Talk about a “chilling” experience!
14. A Walk In The Woods
Not everyone is always looking for a honeymoon in an exotic beachside paradise. Some people actually find their fun in a different way. I know, know, I think those people are full-on crazy too, but hey, to each their own is what I always say. That’s exactly what was going on with one poor sod of a husband (he didn’t share his name) who tried to humor his new wife’s dream of doing a long-distance, week-long hiking trip for their honeymoon. He says he was in “pretty good shape” but wasn’t a hiker so we know where this one is going, don’t we? By day three, this poor guy was a quivering mess of blisters and his muscles we’re pretty much giving up on him. As he says, “I finally had to ask her to call it off because I was miserable and I was starting to make her miserable.” No word on whether he was able to “perform” during this extended torture session, but it sure doesn’t sound like it.
13. Montezuma’s Revenge
We all know what this one means, right? It’s not like you need to be on a honeymoon to suffer from the dreaded Montezuma’s revenge. But it sure does make the story more memorable if you are. Remember, this isn’t your average family vacation — this is the trip of a lifetime with your new partner for life. “Jackie” starts off her honeymoon story nicely enough:
“Went to Mexico for our honeymoon — beautiful beaches, friendly people, having a great time. Husband says ‘let’s try a hole in the wall.’” We can all see where this is headed now. After trying the “hole in the wall” on day three of their trip, Jackie and her husband spent days four and five “sharing” the facilities in their room, day six sleeping and drinking water, and day seven flying home. Hey, at least they got to be close the whole time, right?
12. Lawsuit Time!
Sometimes it’s not your own honeymoon horror story you want to share, but one you’ve heard but the details are probably too embarrassed about to put out there publicly. Such is the case with Reddit’s “OinkOinkthenMoo” who shares an awful nugget from his father’s “second” honeymoon. It seems good old dad and his first wife went to a fancy resort for their honeymoon. Years later, they wanted to recreate their passionate week of young love so they booked a room at the same resort. To get things going, dad and wifey, in Oink’s words, “Requested some raunchy VHS tapes to get them in the mood. As they popped one in, they couldn’t help but feel that the room was a bit familiar.” Did you figure it out yet? The room in the “blue” movie was familiar because it was their old room and the people on the tape were them! Someone filmed them with a hidden camera and the resort was handing those tapes out to anyone who wanted them. Needless to say, they sued the hotel.
11. Traveler’s Cheques Still Work, People
Young married couples often struggle to come up with the finances to make an exotic honeymoon work. Take “Richard” who says he and his new bride only had one credit card between them. Of course, being young and in love (and maybe “stupidly” in love), Richard and his spouse used their one card to go to Tokyo. As in, it was the only thing holding their hotel room for them. So of course the minute they touched down in Japan — speaking not one whit of Japanese — they found out their card had been stolen and put on hold. The hotel wanted no part of it and the couple had no cash. They had no way to even get out of the airport except to walk. They didn’t even eat the entire first day and night of their honeymoon as they tried to make this nightmare go away. Gosh, doesn’t that sound romantic?
10. “Your Ex Would Like To Speak To You”
We all know Facebook doesn’t necessarily offer us as much privacy as we might hope. Their filters can be complicated as hell sometimes and they don’t always tell you everything they are doing with your account. It can be frustrating. But what if you were on your honeymoon and your ex (from seven years ago) saw your FB status and decided to give you a call on your first night together? What if your new wife saw the call come in while you were in the other room of your suite and listened to the voicemail? What if the voicemail was an insane, jealous rant? That’s exactly what happened to poor “Darren” who says he had blocked his psycho ex’s phone multiple times but she kept changing her number. As Darren so succinctly and sadly put it “It definitely killed the mood that evening.”
9. MIL From Hell
This particular honeymoon nightmare comes to us from Reddit user “BettyDrapers.” Betty, wherever you are I hope you have finally found some peace because this is nuts! So it’s a well-known fact that young brides often like to get dressed a little bit “naughy” for their honeymoon night. What’s not so well-known is what happens when the bride comes out of the bathroom in her ensemble and is greeted, not by her husband, but by her mother-in-law. That’s exactly what happened to Betty who was greeted by her MIL who had booked the room next to her son and his new wife, only to get into a fight with the dad and flee next door. You can imagine how things went downhill from there. Betty’s MIL refused to leave, chastised Betty for not letting her sleep in the honeymoon bed, and told her new daughter-in-law to go ahead and do it as it wasn’t anything she hadn’t seen before! Needless to say Betty instead “spent half the night locked in the bathroom, crying, and the other half sleeping stiffly next to [her] husband with his mother on the couch two meters away.” Now there’s a real horror story.
8. “Say Hi To The Family”
We all know someone who owns a beach house or at least someone who knows someone who owns a beach house. Well, what if your brand new husband had grandparents who owned a beach house and those grandparents offered to let you stay there for your honeymoon? You’d be pretty stoked, wouldn’t you? Reddit user “Carolynroberta” sure was. Until she and her hubby arrived at the house and found the entire family waiting for them. That’s right — grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, nieces- they were all there to “celebrate” with the honeymooning couple. You really don’t want to know how many family members squeezed themselves into this supposed lover’s nest but I’m going to tell you anyway. Over 20 relatives joined the new couple in a three-room house — for a week. I have a feeling “romantic time” may have been at a premium that week.
7. Fourth Time’s The Charm?
So our guy Martin still hasn’t even been on his honeymoon — how’s that for a honeymoon disaster story? It all started when Martin and his wife first got married and had no money for the honeymoon. So they worked and they waited. Two years go by and they are finally able to have a honeymoon on their anniversary. But Martin’s father-in-law has a heart attack right before they leave and passes away. So they cancelled honeymoon. Martin and his wife go through the grieving process and wait patiently until the next year. However, right before they are about to leave, Martin breaks his foot. There goes the honeymoon, again. He and his wife still haven’t been on their honeymoon since they got married. It’s just not meant to be.
6. Why Can’t I Stop Throwing Up
As we’ve already seen (and as I think everybody who has ever watched the Travel Channel knows) sometimes, when you travel abroad, especially to Central America and Asia, you can get in a little bit of gastrointestinal distress, if you know what I mean. That seemed to be what was going on for “Rosalyn” who started puking on day three of her exotic honeymoon trip. She and her guy figured it was a food bug, but the weird thing was, he wasn’t sick at all. In fact, he was totally fine. The two of them couldn’t figure out what was up but I think you may have already figured out where this is going, right? Yup, you got it. On day four, hubby jokingly said to Rosalyn, “maybe you’re pregnant,” and it turns out, she was.
5. UTI In The House!
One of the things you really want to avoid on your honeymoon is some sort of weird medical issue. I’m not talking about like a pimple breaking out on your chin. I’m talking about the sort of thing that can stop a honeymoon cold in its tracks. Something like what happened to poor “Cindy” who got off the plane for her trip of a lifetime with a urinary tract infection. That’s not going make a honeymoon very memorable in a positive way. In fact, it’s probably going to ruin it. As Cindy says, “no steamy times, constant discomfort, new husband constantly telling me how sorry he was and doing his best to suppress his disappointment.”
4. Breakdown, Go Ahead And Cry
This particular dude didn’t leave his name in one of the “terrible honeymoon stories” threads I looked at for this article and with good reason. It seems that he and his new wife decided to drive to their honeymoon. In their old beater of a car. They were somewhere in Texas when the car broke down. They had to wait by the side of the road for almost a day before the tow service showed up. And then they had the car towed back home to Seattle, costing them a fortune! Insert sarcasm here please. I guess the guy’s dad let them borrow his car to continue the honeymoonm but to my way of thinking that was kind of like putting the cart before the horse, if you know what I mean.
3. Hands-On, Rings Off Service
Let’s say your brand-new husband makes some truly romantic arrangements for the two of you to do the classic New York City honeymoon thing. He books you into the Plaza Hotel. You go to the top of the Empire State Building and make out like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (well, more like Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr, if you have any taste). You take carriage rides through Central Park and spill famous New York street hot dogs all over yourselves. You have such a good time that each and every night you thoroughly “enjoy” yourselves back in your room, just like honeymooners should. Then, if you’re “Erin,” you realize halfway through your flight home that you’ve lost both your engagement ring and your new wedding ring! But never fear, the hotel found them on the bedside table. That’s when you remember that you took the rings off for some “hands-on” action. That’s also when you realize your husband will forever accuse you of providing hands-on action whenever you take your rings off. What a memory!
2. Where Are Our Puppies?
This particular honeymoon nightmare, courtesy of “Sallistria” on Reddit sucks a lot harder than some of the others like sleeping on an airport floor. It really sucks, actually. Sallistria and her new husband went to Hawaii for a week to honeymoon. They left their two dogs, both shelter rescues, with her parents with specific instructions to keep them on the leash at all times as the dogs had a tendency to run for it. Well, four days into her honeymoon Sallistria got a call from her parents that the dogs had “run away” the night before. The two canceled the rest of their honeymoon to return home. What’s even worse is that it turns out the problem wasn’t that the dogs had just run away. Her brother later let her know the problem was that her parents let the dogs out the door with no leashes on and had often done so before. Needless to say, the newly married couple’s beloved puppies never returned and, I hope, she never spoke to her parents again.
1. Coffee And Weapons
Say you’re on your honeymoon in an exotic locale like Mexico City. Everything is going great; you’re enjoying the unfamiliar culture, the sights and sounds of a vibrant, thriving city and the dazzlement of being with your intended. Say further that one morning she asks you to go get some local coffee for the two of you, a treat you have both come to enjoy. Of course you do so, especially if you’re “Neal,” who just wanted to do something nice for his new bride. So Neal walks out of the safety of their hotel and into the crisp, bright morning air, with a light heart and pocket full of pesos. He turns the corner, heading for the coffee shop, and is immediately mugged and robbed. Hmm, that seems like it might put a damper on any vacation but to have it happen on your honeymoon? Well that’s just cold.
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