The whole concept of alphas and betas has existed for years, but lately it has become a pretty commonplace idea when it comes to men and dating specifically. Most guys want to be seen as alphas, and being a beta is considered the lesser option. But really they’re just two different personality styles that both have their upsides and downsides, and pretty much every guy on earth has a mix of alpha and beta qualities. However, when it comes to dating, it is certainly a bit more advantageous to play up your alpha traits instead of your beta traits, and sometimes going beta is one of the easiest and fastest ways to kill your game.
Luckily, it’s not that hard to tap into whatever your natural alpha traits are, though, and focusing on your own positives as well as not getting caught up in the appealing traits of the dudes around you is probably a lot easier than you might think. Catching the attention of the women you like is a competition against yourself more than it’s against anyone else, but you might not even be aware of the biggest mistakes that you’re making or be aware of the best tools in your tool belt that you’re not even using. So what are the worst beta male moves that are killing your game? And what’s the fastest and easiest way to flip the script on those moves and make them work for you instead of against you?
15. Using The Term “Beta Male”
Honestly, nothing could make it clearer that you feel like a “beta male” than knowing what a beta male is and referring to other dudes or yourself as betas or alphas. Contrary to popular belief, the whole alpha/beta thing is not something that most women are familiar with, and it’s not something they think about on a conscious level most of the time. Every woman has their type, but a lot of the “alpha male” success in the dating realm doesn’t stem from alpha dudes somehow being more attractive. It’s legit just that they’re more aggressive when it comes to meeting girls, they have more confidence when meeting new people, and they’re more at ease with themselves because they generally think very highly of themselves. I know most guys assume that women are attracted to jerks, but that’s honestly not the case. It’s just that assholes tend to be more confident.
14. Being Overly Thirsty
If you’re interested in a girl and she’s interested in you then she’ll definitely want to know that you feel the same way that she does, but there is a difference between asserting your feelings and being aggressive with your feelings. Women are actually socialized to be wary and afraid of any guy who gets aggressive towards them, so if you start crushing on a girl and all of a sudden get super aggressive with her she’s just gonna assume you’re a psycho stalker and be more freaked out than flattered by your interest. And contrary to what romantic comedies might try to sell you, making over-the-top moves on a woman you barely know and not taking no for an answer does not come across as romantic; it comes across as desperate. Being an emotional “beta” isn’t a bad thing in the sense that you tend to be more open and honest about your emotions, but once you’ve shared your feelings, wait for her to share hers before taking things further.
13. Forcing A Girl To Always Take The Lead
Most women will be extremely put-off if you try to boss them around, but alpha people are considered alphas for a reason, one of the biggest reasons being that they know how to take the lead when they need to. Dating and relationships should always be a collaboration between two people, but if a woman feels like she’s doing all of the heavy lifting in the relationship then it gets tiring quickly, and it is a clear indication that you want to be the permanent beta in your relationship. If a woman sounds confident or decisive in a certain situation then by all means, follow her lead, but if there is an opportunity for you to assert yourself in certain situations, then go for it. Even if you’re not sure what you’re doing, that’s okay. Most women will be more impressed with someone who isn’t sure of what to do but is willing to try to figure it out than they are of someone who’s too afraid to even take a shot at it.
12. Acting Like “You’re Not Like Other Guys”
This just isn’t a good look for a few reasons. Of course, if you’re talking about an absolute obnoxious jerk then it’s okay to say that you’re not like that guy, but trying to differentiate yourself as someone unlike normal guys makes it seem like you either think you’re a lot better than everyone else or that you can’t match up to anyone else. It’s honestly better not to compare yourself to other men at all, especially when trying to sell yourself as a good partner, because you should be your own selling point, not you in comparison to other people. If you have something genuinely unique to offer a woman then it’s better to show than tell, and if she can’t figure out why you’re a decent catch just by getting to know you and seeing the person you are, then she probably isn’t the right person for you anyway.
11. Taking The Relationship Too Fast
If you’re a shier and less aggressive guy then it’s totally normal for you to date less and have fewer relationships than the louder members of your gender, and while finding a lady who really moves your furniture is always exciting, just remember not to take things too fast. If someone is right for you they’re right for you, but there’s nothing wrong with taking the time to really get to know each other and develop a solid relationship before diving in too deep, and not being too desperate for a relationship is a great sign of quiet confidence in yourself. It shows your new girl that you’re okay being alone and actually like yourself, and honestly it’s one of the ways that people who are traditionally “beta” can demonstrate some of their alpha personality. Not being desperate for attention and approval is a definite alpha quality that is actually a lot more common among guys who are on the less aggressive end of the spectrum.
10. Being Too Passive
Generally, you want to play almost everything right down the middle when it comes to relationships, which means you’re already at a bit of an advantage if you’re not bossy or controlling (women love to feel like their man is actually listening to what they have to say and appreciates their input). But it also means that while you need to let your girlfriend have a 50% say in your relationship you still need to be contributing your 50% input into everything too. It’s awesome if both of you can defer to each other or come to a mutual agreement, but don’t make your girlfriend make all of the plans and decisions for the both of you as a couple. Don’t be pushy, but don’t be a pushover either, and remember that ultimately a decision always has to be made. So if your girl is waffling or undecided in something, don’t be afraid to take the reins.
9. Being Lazy
One way in which every guy, and really every person on Earth, can be “alpha” is by always working towards something and getting things done. It’s not even about being the biggest, baddest, or best at any one thing. Just working towards your passions or strengths is something that will help your relationship as well as helping you as a person. And if you’re not doing it then honestly, why would someone want to be with you? And I’m not saying that if you’re down on your luck or just haven’t gotten a good break yet then you’re undateable, but if you’re not doing anything to try to improve things then it’s not a good look, especially when it comes to women. There are a lot of guys out there who are looking for a partner because they basically want a surrogate mom to take care of all of their needs, but the LAST thing any woman wants is to play mommy to an adult bum.
8. Bringing Up Your Insecurities Constantly
Contrary to what you might think, women actually like knowing what their boyfriends feel insecure about. Ultimately, women just want to know you as a person, and they know that men aren’t nearly as likely to open up about their feelings as women are, so they get what a big deal it is for you to share some of your deeper worries about yourself. Plus, women are made to feel insanely insecure about pretty much everything you could imagine, so knowing that you feel that way too is really relatable. But with that said, don’t make your girl into a dumpster for your feelings either. Women are socialized to process their feelings a lot and to deal with the feelings of others a lot, so while we like to share and open up with you it can also become more of a stressful experience if we’re having you vent to us about everything that makes you feel the tiniest bit bad all the time.
7. Not Playing To Your Own Strengths
One of the best things to accept is that you’re never going to be the best at everything, and there will probably always be someone somewhere out there who’s better than you at something, but that’s fine. It’s okay to suck at things. So instead of feeling insecure about the things that you’re bad at or trying to prove that you’re not bad at them, just focus on the things that you actually are good at. Your talents and your passions are what make you special, so instead of trying to compensate for your faults just try to really play up your positive attributes. Not only will that make you more appealing and make you seem more confident, but it will make you more likely to attract the kind of person that you’d really want to be with, because they’ll be drawn to everything that makes you who you are.
6. Being Awkward As Hell
I know that this isn’t something that’s very easy to control, and feeling nervous is something that we all go through at some point or another and that’s fine. But it’s important to not let your discomfort and nervousness make the entire situation uncomfortable for both of you. If things ever do get awkward then don’t be afraid to break the tension with some honesty, because openly acknowledging your nerves will still be less uncomfortable then pretending it’s not happening when you both know otherwise. Also for the love of god, don’t say anything creepy or weird to a woman you hardly know. It might be your sense of humor and it might wind up being her sense of humor too, but even if it is it might come off as a red flag if you do it too soon, and if it’s not then she’s probably going to assume you’re a creeper who doesn’t understand boundaries and she’ll be looking for the nearest exit.
5. Showing Jealousy And Bitterness Towards “Alpha” Males
Nothing could distinguish you as a beta male more quickly than showing obvious dislike towards alpha males for their alpha-ness. Even if you think you’re the most beta male in existence I can guarantee you’re not so long as you don’t feel emasculated and embarrassed by another man’s masculinity. Never lose sight of the fact that every alpha male has some beta in them, and every beta male has some alpha in them, so even the most impressive and intimidating dude still has weaknesses and even the meekest guy has strengths. Plus, women do like assertiveness but most of them really don’t like obnoxious blowhards, so a lot of the “alpha” behavior that you might envy could also be behavior that most women actually can’t stand. But the bottom line is that if you don’t think that you can compare with other men, then the women around you will probably think the same thing, even if you’re actually a totally awesome person in reality.
4. Not Showing Your Personality
When it comes to impressing a woman, confidence really is key, or at the very least feeling comfortable with yourself. And try not to be too overwhelming. Make sure the girl you’re chatting up gets to show you what her personality is like too, but even if you’re normally a wallflower you should still act like yourself. If you don’t then she’ll just assume that you don’t have much of a personality at all, or that your normal behavior is so crappy that you’ve learned to just stay silent. It’s obviously good if you can be polite, but if you’re not bringing any aspects of yourself into the conversation then you’re really not giving women any openings to keep the conversation going. And if you’re worried about striking out, don’t be! It could happen and it probably will at some point, but if your personality clashes with the woman you’re talking to then striking out is better for the both of you.
3. Lacking Confidence In Yourself
Lacking confidence in yourself is one of the most obvious and clear signs of “beta” behavior, because there are really no alpha males anywhere on earth who aren’t confident in themselves. They might not be confident in absolutely everything about themselves, but they certainly have enough confidence in themselves to get a conversation going and keep it going. And there’s a reason that confident guys do so well in life, because when you feel confident and at ease with yourself it puts everyone you’re dealing with more at ease too. And even confident people make missteps sometimes, and that’s okay. What differentiates them from a lot of more awkward or shy people is that they can make a mistake and recover from it. If you are a bit awkward or shy it’s always good to remember that you’re always going to judge yourself 100 times harder than someone else is going to judge you, so a flub that might feel massive to you is probably barely noticeable to someone else.
2. Not Knowing And Liking Yourself
Ultimately, if you want anyone to like you then you have to like yourself, and if you want them to like you then they have to actually be able to know who you are, which means that you have to know who you are first. It’s a relatively simple concept but can be hard to actually execute for a lot of people, but even if you wish you had different traits or likes and dislikes, in reality you’re probably a pretty awesome person. There are certainly a lot of people out there who will like you for you, but that means that you have to just roll with the person you are instead of wishing you were somebody else or actually trying to be somebody else. In some ways that’s the biggest beta male move you can make, because no one who is truly alpha wants to be anyone else but themselves.
1. Trying To Be Something You’re Not
The whole concept of an alpha vs. beta male thing is not really reflective of reality, because in reality no one in the world is all of one thing or all of another. Every guy has certain traits that you could call alpha and others that you could call beta, and we just think of certain men as “alpha males” because of the way they act in public. So if you see a guy you think of as an alpha male and try to emulate him, it’s probably not going to work, because that’s what works for him, but it isn’t necessarily what works for you. If you want to feel like the “alpha” when dealing with a certain woman or experiencing a certain situation then hone in on your natural alpha traits and use them to your advantage. Even the shiest and most insecure person has something that makes them feel confident about themselves, so instead of trying to fake it just find a way to make it real for you. Because if you do fake it it’ll be obvious, and will make you look even weaker than you want to look.
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