Celebrity actors, singers, and whatever kind of famous person Dan Bilzarian is, have an enviable position in life in that they are in an industry where they’re constantly surrounded by fellow gorgeous celebrities who they also get to work with from time to time. Celebrities hooking up with other celebrities is nothing new and almost expected since they run in the same weird circle of movie premiers, red carpet award shows and regrettable tweets. While it’s inevitable and convenient, celebrity hookups are famously known for being disastrously unsuccessful, where for every Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, there’s a Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, or a Britney and that dude she married for 44 hours.
Despite horrible odds, celebrities still hook up on the regular and we all usually have high hopes for them in the beginning, simply because if love can’t be found in a sea of beautiful cheekbones and sculpted chins, then there’s no way us plain faced, round chins are ever going to find a soul mate. So we want to BELIEVE! Us peasants root for their success, but sometimes, two celebrities hook up where even the glare of their botox and beauty can’t cover the fact that they’re doomed from the start. Here are 10 celebrity couples whose relationships were DOA:
11. Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez met on the set of Gigli. A movie famously known for being famously bad (It only grossed $7.2 million against a $75 million budget. ) but despite being a fantastic bust at the box office, Gigli still got the same kind of media attention as an Oscar-worthy film because the movie created, what has now gone into the history books as “Bennifer.” The unlikely pairing of Gigli co-stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez became a serious plot twist in America’s lives. Could a Latin pop star diva and a Harvard frat bro make love work? More importantly, why did they always look shiny? The media was so hungry to learn every minute of their lives that they didn’t want to waste time writing out their full names, so they just mashed it together.
They met while making a horrible movie that started a heinous trend of name mashing that’s lasted much longer than their entire relationship. Oh, and did we mention that Jennifer Lopez was married at the time? So there’s that. And not suprisingly, two years, one pink diamond and a broken engagement later, “Bennifer” stopped as quickly as it began.
10. Gwyneth Paltrow & Brad Pitt
When it comes to talent and just being all around beautiful, Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Pitt were a pretty good match (with Brad Pitt edging out Gwyneth by a smidge). Unfortunately, their good looks is where the similarity ends and it took Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow a quick two-and-a-half years to figure out what we knew from the very start. Gwyneth Paltrow is a child of Hollywood with famous actress Blythe Danner and producer director Bruce Paltrow as parents. She’s been rubbing elbows with the rich and famous since she was still sharting in her Pull-Ups because SHE IS one of the rich and famous by default.
The complete opposite of that lifestyle would be someone from the midwest who was raised by a school counselor mom (Jane Etta) and a father (William Pitt) who ran a truck company. (In other words, Brad Pitt.) Pitt is as Main Street U.S.A. as you can get. Coming from normal people beginnings, Brad still shows a sign of mid-Western roughness and self confidence that no amount of kale juice can wash away.
Gwyneth says she’s still friendly with Pitt and broke up with him because she realized she was “too young” to get married. Not to mention Brad says “warsh” instead of “wash.” Okay, she didn’t really say that last part, but we’re pretty sure she was thinking it.
9. Lisa Marie Presley & Nicolas Cage
Wait. Hold the phone. These two didn’t last? We don’t even need a sarcasm font for that last sentence, do we? Because, you know, from the minute these two started dating, it was going to be a short, albeit exhilarating trip. And boy, did Lisa and Nicolas deliver! Theirs was a two year relationship filled with wild break up rumors, a quick engagement, a lavish Hawaiian wedding and a marriage that lasted 107 days, one of the most short-lived marriages …. IN HOLLYWOOD, where divorce and “irreconcilable differences” is king.
There were a lot of reasons given by the tabloids on why they called it quits so quick; they both had a temper, Lisa still kept in close touch with her ex-husband, Michael Jackson, they didn’t really know each other, Nicolas Cage was a diehard Elvis fan and only married Lisa Marie Presley to have the “ultimate Elvis collectible,” blah, blah blah – who can say what breaks a relationship? All we know is that it was fun to watch while it lasted.
8. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
We all remember that day 10 years ago. The day when America saw a tiny handsome man jump for joy on Oprah’s unsuspecting leather couches. It was Tom Cruise and he was “IN LOVE!!!” he screeched. A love that was so consuming that he shook Oprah like a polaroid picture on national television and then dragged Katie Holmes in front of everybody.
We were one of the few that hoped it was genuine. That maybe Tom was just so crazy in love that it actually made him crazy. But deep down, we all knew that this was Tom’s out of touch interpretation of being blissfully in love. (This is how straight guys do this right?? *grins and gnashes teeth*) and we had to look on helplessly as poor, genuinely love struck Katie married her childhood crush and then shake our knowing heads when TomKat parted ways in 2012 after 6 years of marriage.
7. Brad Pitt & Robin Givens
This relationship was so quick that even to this day, people are still surprised to hear that Brad Pitt and Robin Givens once dated, but they did. It was right before Brad Pitt was about to be THE BRAD PITT and Robin Givens was in the middle of her divorce…with Mike Tyson.
Mike Tyson, who described Pitt as “beautiful,” thought he was a girl at first, when he caught him with Robin at her house. Thankfully, no pretty boy ears were bitten during the encounter but we’re pretty sure that was the day Brad decided to move on from Givens whose relationship baggage included a violent boxer ex-husband.
6. Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams
Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams first met when they were both cast to be the leads in the movie, The Notebook. One of the most romantic movies ever made also created a very real relationship between the two co-stars. The entire world let out an excited tween giggle when we found out Noah and Allie’s love story became a reality that unfolded on the pages of People and US Magazine.
It was perfect! Which is exactly why they were doomed right from the get-go. An over the top, fictional love story to live up to and the entire nation’s faith in true love heaped on your backs while they were just trying to go out on a date killed their forever potential before they even got out of the honeymoon period. They dated for a few years before parting ways and even though they’ve both moved on from each other, there’s a group of people still out there (everyone) who secretly wish they’d get back together.
5. Edward Norton & Courtney Love
We were surprised about this as some of you are right now, but yes indeed, this awkward relationship trainwreck actually did happen when Courtney Love and Edward Norton starred in The People Vs. Larry Flynt. After a few years of dating, they called it quits because well, it’s Courtney Love. She dates, she breaks up and then she bitches about you on Twitter. Edward was just one of the few ex’s Courtney Love has blasted on social media, claiming that Norton caused her to lose $300,000 on a bad investment, to which she then backtracked on and said, just kidding that she didn’t lose money. Courtney actually TRIPLED her money from the investment advice Edward gave her. Uh. Okaaay. Damn you auto-correct? And by auto-correct, we mean drugs.
4. Jake Gyllenhaal & Taylor Swift
The picture of Taylor Swift walking arm and arm with Jake Gyllenhaal laughing uproariously about Pumpkin Spice Latte and ironic scarves came as a surprise to everyone. While they were a cute couple, their fling flashed brightly then fizzled like a broken grocery store light, leaving us all in the dark with bad songs playing over the speakers. Much like that analogy, Jake and Taylor’s relationship didn’t really make sense from the start. She was a young pop singer who still very much had tween girl tendencies when it came to her relationships. Jake was an older, serious actor, who had dated serious actresses like Natalie Portman and Kirsten Dunst and allegedly listened to indie records much cooler than Taylor Swift’s. Jake and Taylor should’ve never, ever, ever, gotten together in the first place.
3. Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale
The only reason this lasted as long as it did was through sheer hard work from both Gwen and Gavin but even that couldn’t save this relationship that was doomed from the start. We’re not going to put all the blame on Gavin Rossdale here since it takes two to make a marriage work and all that yackity-schmackity. In fact, we’re going to actually do the opposite and put the blame on Gwen Stefani for putting on major blinders. (*ducks.*)
Even before meeting Gwen, Gavin Rossdale was a known player, running around with his wang out for years. He’s even had a homosexual relationship with cross-dressing British pop star Marilyn, and fathered a love child with a married woman in the 80s. Love child, Daisy, took a DNA test when she was 14 and determined that Gavin Rossdale was indeed her father, a fact that was discovered after he was already married to Gwen. It’s also been rumored for years that Gavin has cheated on Gwen even before they were man and wife. If you listen close to her songs, Gwen does little to assuage the rumors with songs like “Ex-Girlfriend” that included lyrics like, “Your wildness scares me, So does your freedom. You say you can’t stand the restrictions. I find myself trying to change you. If you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to” and has described being married to Gavin “hasn’t been the easiest journey.”
The two divorced this year and true to Gwen’s style, she’s singing about her heartbreak with her new single, “Used To Love You.”
2. Miley Cyrus & Patrick Schwarzenegger
Miley and Patrick Schwarzenegger‘s relationship grew out of Patricks’s revelation to a magazine about his crush on Miley Cyrus, quoted as saying, “My eye though, is on, Miley Cyrus” when asked about who he would like to go out with next. Freshly shorn and freshly broken up from an engagement with Liam Hemsworth, Miley took up Patrick on his offer and the two began dating.
What these two could possibly have had in common was probably little to none. He comes Kennedy Schwarzenegger stock and Miley comes from the very tight pants of someone who has an achy breaky heart, so it’s no wonder that they broke up a short five months later. Things went right to the dumpster when Patrick, forgetting that he was now under a Miley Cyrus microscope, was videotaped at Coachella rubbing up on a girl who was clearly not Miley. Patrick attempted to shrug off the rumors, claiming that he would never cheat on his girlfriend and that the girl in the photographs with him was a good friend’s girlfriend.
An apology that did nothing to stop his relationship with Cyrus from hitting the skids. She bid adios and has since been having fun (aka making out) with Victoria’s Secret model, Stella Maxwell.
1. Mario Lopez & Ali Landry
How could the cute combo of Dimples and Doritos go so horribly wrong? Especially when they had been dating for six years? As it turns out, when they were dating, Mario Lopez did more than just flash his dimples at the ladies. Mario and Ali Landry were married for only two weeks before their marriage was annulled and they went their separate ways after it was discovered that Mario couldn’t keep it in his pants during his “surprise” bachelor party. He was caught cheating by Ali’s sister who showed Ali a photo of Mario and the mystery girl shortly after they got married. Mario recently admitted to it by saying he wasn’t “man enough” to be faithful. When asked why he decided to get married to Ali in the first place, Mario said that after dating for six years, he felt like the next step was either marriage or breaking up. Unfortunately, they ended up doing both.
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