With great money comes great responsibility… like how to be as awesome as you can using that money. But the reality is, most of us common folk will never truly know how it must feel to be rich. Some of us may be well-off, and some of us may be struggling, but very few of us can claim we have a Scrooge McDuck money pit in our house, as badass as that may seem.
If one were so inclined, however, one could convince the world they were millionaires, even if their bank accounts are stagnant with only three zeroes. Remember, a big part of tricking people into thinking you are rich is by really selling the cause. This is a performance piece, and if you play it weak, that will be detected.
Have all the swagger of a millionaire and follow these ten simple steps and you just might convince other people that you are rich when really, you are anything but. Remember, lying is never good, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
10. Car Rentals
Listen, there are key moments in everyone’s life when you show up somewhere and all eyes are on you. If you pull up in a Pinto pretending it’s a Porsche, no one is buying it.
However, before some of these key moments – think high school reunion – if you were to rent a sports car by the hour, it won’t empty your bank account but it sure will show the people you went to high school with just how upper class you have become in their absence.
9. Nice Jewelry & Watches
Sometimes a quick way people assess one another and try to figure out if a person is well-to-do is the accoutrements they have on. Be it a nice, brand name watch, or a piece of jewelry that clearly cost a pretty penny, the accompanying accessory can cast that illusion nicely.
keep in mind, people seeing these watches in passing have no way of knowing if you are wearing a high grade knockoff *wink wink*. Remember, it is all about social status, and in this case, you are just projecting yourself a little bit larger than what you really are. No sin there.
8. Act Douchey
The big reality about money is, most people who have it think themselves superior to people who don’t. So if you want to seem like you have or come from money, there has to be an heir of “my poop don’t stink” hovering around you at all times.
This does not mean being outright rude, but it does mean carrying yourself like you are surrounded by peasants. It is awful and cruel, but when emulating the rich, you gotta do it right or you may as well not do it at all.
7. A Chapeau
Yes, if you want come across like you are rich, you need a big time, stuffy hat. For a man, it can be a bowler or a fedora. Hell, even a top hat screams big money. A man in a top hat strikes us subconsciously as far more powerful than the man in the baseball hat.
A good hat can up your social standings in people’s eyes almost immediately. The same can be said for women. Have you ever seen the hats those rich broads wear to the Kentucky Derby? Madness, pure madness.
6. Know Your Food
One thing rich people all love to demonstrate is their knowledge of food and the foodie culture. If you go out with some friends and order a bacon burger, there are no allusions to what’s in your account. If you go to some place and order Kobe beef browned in truffle butter, people are going to look at you like you just walked out of a castle. In this case, it is just about basic knowledge of food and what flavors go well and what foods are seen as upper class (hint: duck, lamb and Kobe beef).
So order like a rich man and watch as people just assume it to be true. Just pray that doesn’t end with them thinking you are rich enough to pay for the whole meal. Remember, all this is just an illusion meant to up your social standing.
5. Wine Knowledge
Sadly, this is another huge aspect of the bourgeois. Boxed wine is not normally what they engage in. In this case, we’re talking about just educating yourself so when the wine gets presented, you can awe those around you by mentioning “hints of oak with an almost cacao finish.” That is pretentious, and that is exactly what rich people do.
Also, ask the table what color they prefer and then order for them without asking – super rich person move. They’re pretty crappy social skills in real life, but they will convey “rich douche” to whomever you are with at the time.
4. Constant Phone Calls
“Excuse me, this is business and I simply have to take it. So sorry if this seems rude. Business never stops, as they say.” That is all you need to know. Memorize that speech now and make it so you do get calls at dinners and parties and ALWAYS take them, but always announce to the entire room how important it is and how sorry you are.
You will run off and the people around you will just assume you must be closing in on some big deal, because who else would act like that much of a butt during a meal out in public? Another key to this one is walking back to the table smiling, saying “crisis averted.” If anyone asks what it was, just make some fancy stuff up. They will eat it up.
3. Designer Pets
“Normal people have dogs? Well, we have a Labradoodle, which is a special, extra badass, super pet that most normal people cannot afford. We also have a llama out in the back yard for the kids to mock, and we have a rare, blue, African parrot that can speak three languages.”
Keep in mind, all you need is a bird and a normal dog. Just say this stuff, and if all other elements from this list are in order, they’ll believe you. Remember, it is all about casting a believable illusion.
“Sorry everyone, we will be gone from August 1st to September 21st. We are going to hike part of the Appalachians and then maybe spend the last couple of days flying out to Cozumel to reward ourselves for hiking the Appalachians. So whatever you do, do not try to hit us up in that time because we will not be around.”
Thing is, you will be around. But everyone will just assume you aren’t so they wont bother you. Take two or three fakecations a year, and everyone will think you are not only living in the lap of luxury, but that you are the lap of luxury.
1. A.B.S: Always Be Scarf-ing
Seriously, rich, pretentious people never take their scarves off. So just buy one or two decent silk scarves that match well with a few of your outfits, and wear them everywhere. Just think about someone like Johnny Depp if you want an example. Here’s a grown man who wears scarves everywhere, and people accept it because he is rich.
If you begin wearing scarves everywhere, everyone’s subconscious will just switch and be like, “The dude’s gotta be rich. No one else would risk looking that silly.”
Yes, it is an act of self sacrifice, but that is part of this process, too. No one ever said pretending to be rich would be easy.
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