As much as anyone wants to be the perfect lover, it’s quite possible you could use a little fine-tuning in some areas. Maybe you need to work on your foreplay or become more limber to try out more positions. The bottom line is you should probably grade yourself in bed with a critical eye – not an egocentric one. Your goal should be giving your partner your best performance every time, and they should be reciprocating.
It’s pretty easy to think about being an ideal lover and what it takes to be able to claim this title. Offering compliments, dressing well, going out with your partner often – these are all good ideas when it comes to setting the mood and having a nice time. Love making isn’t always so easy, though, and sometimes there can be a disconnect between the lover you want to be and the lover you actually are.
Judith Orloff M.D. reports that there are certain qualities partners can exude that make them more likely to be a bad lover, including “time constraints, self-centeredness, inhibitions, and lack of technique.” If you’re seeing a trend in dissatisfied partners, it’s quite possible they aren’t the problem – it’s you. You might be making a mistake in the bedroom. Could it be one of these?
10. Not Talking Enough
Communication is key in the bedroom. It might be sexy to think about simply locking eyes with your lover and having a psychic connection, doing absolutely everything the other desires just because a higher power willed it, but real life isn’t a romance novel. This doesn’t happen very often, if at all – it’s likely you’ll go through life never experiencing that moment, and that’s okay.
Real sex that involves mutual satisfaction involves talking about it. What do you like? What does your partner like? This also isn’t just a problem faced by one sex. Both men and women have expectations they’re better off mentioning out loud instead of expecting their partner to be a mind reader.
9. Being Too Aggressive
This can also be an issue of communication. When you really want a certain action or rougher sex than your partner, this should be something you verbally discuss. Assuming your partner will be okay with your wanton lust is something you shouldn’t do. Before you commit to having sex with a new partner, or even an old partner, talk about your appetites and how you want to do things. Explain what you’re into – whether it’s often, the kinks that get your engine running, and how you like to do things. Being too rough and rowdy in bed can be just as bad as being too meek and mild.
8. Being Too Passive
Like the previous advice, both extremes on this spectrum are bad. There are some partners who will readily take on the more aggressive role, and they’ll want you to be submissive. This isn’t necessarily a kink either – some partners just take on these dominant/ submissive roles as a preference. Other partners, however, will get bored with always being in the driver’s seat in bed. Sometimes being more demanding and assertive in the bedroom can be a huge turn on, so try it out every once in a while. Your partner will appreciate it, don’t worry. Just remember that you need to communicate what you want your roles to be and talk about this regularly.
7. Getting Distracted
When you’re being intimate with a partner, your focus should be on them and the act you’re performing. Talking about unrelated subjects, looking distant or acting disinterested can make a partner feel neglected, causing them to under-perform. No one will have a good time in this case, meaning you both walk away without being completely satisfied.
When you’re going to have sex, commit to the act and remove any outside distraction. This one is directed at the ladies out there, according to therapist Julie Orlov, as she says “I was surprised to find out from men how many women use sexual encounters as the time to go over needs, complaints, schedules, problems, etc. with their mates.”
6. Neglecting Hygiene
This can apply to both sexes, but mostly men. Most women take the time to shave, trim and shower before they know they’ll have a sexual encounter, but men often neglect these extra steps before getting lucky. If your pre-sex grooming routine is slapping on some deodorant (maybe) and running a hand through your hair, this is where you’re messing up.
Try showering and trimming yourself and ask what your partner likes in a companion physically. Remember that if you expect your partner to groom a certain way, you owe it to them to return the favor. Maybe start getting used to using a razor somewhere other than your face, gentlemen.
5. Fouling Up Foreplay
You shouldn’t neglect your pre-sex sexual experience. Before you actually get down and dirty, you need to get warmed up. Your bodies are like a car in winter: typically you have to start and warm the engine before you can go for a drive. Even if you are familiar with foreplay, adjust your routine and try new things. If you’re dating around and having sex with multiple partners, ask what each of them like and try out new techniques that are unique to each one. If you’re monogamous at the moment, the same rule applies. Learn what your partner likes, implement what you like as well, and don’t be afraid to experiment from time to time.
4. Going Too Fast
Sometime you want it quick and fast. That’s fine. However, if you’re consistently going through the motions at lightning speed, ready to get release as soon as possible, you’re missing out on a lot of sensual opportunities in bed. Men are very much to blame for this – the sexual release cycle for men is typically much quicker, as it takes women about 20 minutes to feel orgasmic.
This rule also applies to the entire sexual experience, too. Take it slow and make foreplay last. Amp up the atmosphere and make yourself slow to a crawl. Building and building up your arousal can make the end result much sweeter.
3. Not Being Flexible
This definitely doesn’t mean what you think it means. Instead of being about how many different positions you can pull off in bed, think more about your willingness to consider what your partner needs sexually. When you aren’t willing to compromise and listen to what your partner wants, you’re going to suffer for it. This attitude of “I want to have sex my way and that’s that” can not only make your sex life stagnant, it can also be a relationship killer.
This loops back around into being communicative in bed, but the ultimate problem is more egocentric. It’s likely that if you’re stubborn and selfish in bed, you’re exactly the same in other areas of your life.
2. Faking It
When you fake it in bed, you’re being dishonest. If you’re with a partner exclusively, it’s important to talk to them about what you are looking for that you obviously aren’t getting. If it’s a one night stand or the first time with someone, you still have an obligation to talk about it. If it doesn’t work out and they move on to someone else, you’re just passing the buck to another woman to deal with. Stop the problem at the source and tell your partner how to actually please you.
It used to be thought that this issue was found in female circles, but a recent polling found that while 70% of women have faked an orgasm in the past, men aren’t innocent either – one-third of the men polled admitting to previously faking at least one as well.
1. Not Dressing Up
If you have the opportunity to get dressy before your sexual encounter, do it. You don’t have to constantly be decked out in your sexiest lingerie, waiting for the opportunity to strike, but if you know you’re going to have a sexy encounter? Dress for success. Your partner will love the fact you’re trying for them and the act of wearing your best sexy undies can help heighten your own anticipation. Look good; feel good, as the saying goes.
You can also tailor your outfits to your partner’s fantasies. If you know he likes red lacy panties, put some on before your dinner date. If she’s into tight shirts and snug boxer-briefs, make your girl happy with your ensemble before you get down and dirty.
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