The Book of Revelation. It’s the biblical prophecy of the end times, a warning and a promise of the wrath of the God of Abraham’s final judgement upon the people of the world. It also reads like the fever dream of a guy on acid. Here’s a sampler:
“I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.”
“Unpleasant” doesn’t even begin to describe it. Revelation pretty much promises turmoil and death for the vast majority of the population of the world. And now imagine that you really believe this is going to happen, the way countless fanatics around the world do. Downright terrifying. What makes this all the crazier is that there are many people who seem to desperately desire that this horror happens as soon as possible.
See, some Christians believe that this final judgement coincides with the return of Jesus, who is going to go full Rambo on Satan and his ilk. The righteous will be rewarded in heaven and the rest will be forever removed from the love that is JC’s kingdom. And it’s supposed to have happened back when the bible was written, about 70 years after Jesus is alleged to have died. And then again a few years later. And also a few decades later. And a few centuries. A couple of millennia. It still hasn’t.
Alright, so there’ve been lots of delays. That’s probably why there are still so many people who are frantically predicting the end times. After all, the whole of Christianity is predicated on the Bible, and for such an important thing featured in the holy book to have declined to happen (again and again), well... It doesn't look good.
So here, we've compiled a batch of upcoming apocalypses, predicted by those faithful who desperately want the validation that the obliteration of the entire world as we know it would bring. Why can't they be more friendly, like Buddhists?
5 September 25, 2014
It turns out the next 'end of the world' is only three months away. It’s sudden, I know, but there’s probably still time to repent.
So why September 25? Because Reverend Greg Stevenson of the West Palm Beach River Church of God saw an X in the sky. Well, there’s a little more to it than that. Stevenson believes God uses the letter x to communicate with him, and he saw an x in the sky after asking God if September 25 was an important date.
Surprisingly, he’s not the most coherent writer. He says that his seeing the x in the sky is not enough to base a doctrine on... and then his very next paragraph says this:
“Yes, there will be a rapture or catching away of the saints of God. It is even at the Door. This is the great hope of the Body of Christ and is completely established by the Word of God. There is a preponderance of evidence given in the scriptures to this supernatural event. This is not to be confused with the literal second coming of Jesus Christ, when He sets His feet on the Mount of Olives.”
Of course, the second coming is supposed to happen right around the same time, so Greg’s probably going to be ironing his Sunday best in anticipation, just in case. The rest of us might want to grab a bible. Or a bomb shelter.
4 September 14, 2015
If the man upstairs decides to postpone again, we’ll only get another year before the next apocalypse is supposed to kick off.
This time the good news comes to us from biblocality.com’s Troy Brooks. He’s #36 in the Encyclopedia of American Loons, a man described as a “wacko who can’t think straight,” and a person who “considers himself to be qualified to teach with an authority he does not possess.” I, for one, am already sold.
Those of you who need a little more convincing can turn to his writings, in which he imparts wisdom like this unto his readership: “The reason Jesus did not stay when He came two millennia ago was because people killed him and didn't want Him.” It’s that powerful command of language, that skilful argumentation, that add such incredible weight to Brooks’ prediction.
But he doesn’t rely solely on words. Brooks also employs mathematics to prove his position. He has an entire section of his website devoted to the beginning of the end times, and the results are eerie. Yes, he shows, in plain numbers, how the odds of his prediction of the rapture taking place between September 14, 2015 and August 7, 2022, have “gone up” (that’s a quote) from 1 in 70,000,000 to 1 in 6.9 trillion.
Now, some would argue that Brooks doesn’t make a lick of sense. Others might say that his understanding of how probability works is
embarrassing laughable questionable. But it will be Brooks who is laughing come September 14... or sometime in the next seven years after that. Maybe.
3 September 23, 2015
This prediction comes to us from someone unwilling to post her own name, but who is apparently comfortable with letting the world know that her daughter’s name is Erin. It’s that kind of bravery that makes for a truly standout Christian.
Mystery woman, like others on this list, is obsessed with using numbers to prove her point, but she’s above and beyond when it comes to writing. Her prediction of when the rapture is set to occur runs to 21,000 words, and that’s only one of the several sections on her website.
For all that, the crux of her argument is simple enough. Genesis says God took seven days to create reality. Six were spent working, and the seventh was the omnipotent being’s day of rest. Since 2 Peter 3:8 says “...With the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day,” and the epistle of Barnabas, 15:4 says “In six thousand years the Lord shall bring all things to an end.” Using the ages of many biblical figures, she arrives at 2015 in determining when the clock should run out. Biblical scholars the world over never figured it out, but this one anonymous woman did. Good for her.
2 Summer 2016
The great thing about most of these raptures is that they arrive in the autumn. It gives all the righteous a last chance to have a great time with their sinner friends. Maybe lie out by the pool, or take in a PG-13 movie if they’re feeling really naughty. Sadly, this fourth prediction sees the apocalypse coming in “Summer 2016.” Mark it down, everybody. No need to buy a new swimsuit that year.
Mike Whitener’s the man behind this one, and he’s got some solid math behind this prediction. No, really. Take it away, Mike:
“In Genesis 47:28 we see that Jacob (Israel) lived in Egypt seventeen years, ‘And Jacob lived in the land of Egypt  seventeen years: so the whole age of Jacob was an hundred forty and seven years.’... We have four thousand years from Genesis till Christ’s birth plus thirty three and an half years of the life of our Lord plus two thousand years of nighttime  equal six thousand and thirty three and an half years total. We subtract the seventeen years from the time that they carry Israel into the land of Canaan (the Promised Land) which is when Joseph reveals himself to his brethren and we have the summer of 2016 once again.”
Speaks for itself, right?
This prediction comes to us from Bob of laymanswatch.com. He puts the return of the Christ at between 2018 and 2028, and he dives into the usual mess of trying to use math to come up with a justification for his theory. But his is one of the shorter series of reasonings, and he can actually string together a thought. Could this be the one?
A necessary ingredient for the Christian rapture is the retention of the land of Israel by Jews. Some say that’s part of why there’s such strong support for Israel among American Christians, but that’s beside Bob’s point. Bob’s simply pointing out that Israel was returned to the Jews in 1948, and that the return of Christ will come before the end of a generation of that being fulfilled. A biblical generation lasts 70-80 years, putting Jesus’ return flight sometime between 2018 and 2028.
He also goes into solar flare activity and lunar calendars for further evidence in support of his theory. What’s great about Bob, though, is that he admits that he has no training, education in theology, or other authority from which to speak, but goes on to say this:
“What does matter is the fact that all these different ways of calculating where we stand in the 6000 year timeline are converging on the years directly in front of us. They all point directly to the end of days being now. Never before in man's history have all the time references and events, given to us in the Bible, pointed so directly to a specific time in history.”
You gotta admire that confidence.