The 10 Worst Types Of Dating Advice You Read In Magazines

Dating is complicated, so don’t read strange advice that will make it even worse. You have done your best to seduce the one you want from being a nice guy to being an ass, or the classic “just be yourself" or "play hard to get.” Now that your attempts have failed, you are ready to try anything to become their everything. You run to the corner store to buy all the magazines claiming you can get a six pack in two weeks and a lover in seven easy steps so you can read them like your new Bible. But don't think that their popularity makes them a good reference.

Not doing anything is sometimes better than doing something that can only go wrong. The idea of putting tomato sauce on your nipples or feeding each other with ice cream in the dark may sound wrong to you, and you are right to think so. Being desperate is also something that won’t make you more attractive. Stop thinking too much, do your best and go ask for what you want. If it doesn’t work, it is probably simply because they are not interested, even if you didn’t do anything wrong.

Don’t waste your time, move on and show someone else how great you are until you meet the right person. However, if you want to turn this situation into something awkward, here are the 10 worst pieces of dating advice you can listen to.

10 Shut Up & Be Pretty

According to Click Parade Magazine (1938), if a woman ever opens her mouth, it has to be in order to please a man. "Change around your schedule so that you will always be there when your husband needs you, accept his emotional distortions, and to build up his self-esteem," advises the Ladies' Home Journal. As the guide Do’s and Don’ts for Lovers from 1936: “Don’t think that a parade of your many virtues will always attract men. Generally speaking, the majority of them are much more susceptible to silk stockings and flattery” and "don't forget to choose your wife in the same way that would a knife, that is to look to her temper." A similar idea applies for men as they should not talk about books or science, but the theme that will interest the lady most is some variation of: 'Do you love me and if so how much?' Otherwise, Cosmo gives you one tip to make him shut up during sex: “Gently tie one of your scarves around his mouth…”

9 He Is Always Cheating

“If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why and you should be worried to if he wants more sex, or takes care of his appearance," writes Cosmopolitan. However, if he’s not eco-friendly: “It could be a sign that he’ll trash your relationship too.” "When a man's girlfriend is cheating, she'll start to make obvious attempts to increase his satisfaction in the relationship,” so it’s also a bad sign if she takes care of you, according to Men’s Health. Sharing details of their day is a bad sign according to Cosmo (mostly if he’s swallowing), and a good sign according to Men’s Fitness. After all, according to Cosmo for guys: ''In some scenarios, your feelings may be legit.” Better tell her “Watch our for [insert d-bag’s name here] or “I want you to show me who you’re texting” as if your lack of confidence was more important than respect and privacy.

8 Make Him Jealous

“Text this: ‘Was that your hand rubbing my leg under the table or your Dad’s?’" is some text Wonder Woman advises you to send to your partner after a family dinner, as if imagining her with his father was exciting. Otherwise, if you want to make him jealous of your hand, Cosmo advises: “Start giving yourself some solo pleasure and “accidentally” dial him up.” After all, they might have a reason to be truly jealous as Maxim advises men to take advantage of the low self-esteem of their girlfriend’s little sister, the young intern at work or her heartbroken best friend. There are so many other things you can do according to Cosmo as "post pictures of yourself with hot guys," "tweet about fun stuff," and "show up with a new man. Otherwise, if you don't want him to get mad with jealousy, there are also tons of things you cannot do if you're in a relationship: "laughing at another guy's joke," "going out to the bar for a 'girls night,'" "texting other dudes," and the worst of them all: "bringing up other guys using only their first name."

7 Keep It Clean

Lysol ads that used to appear in women’s magazine were making them believe they should douche to please their husband, even though this is now known to be bad for their health. "Sue was furious at Tom for the way he’d been treating her, but she was really to blame!” Your husband might even lock you away from him as: "Often a wife fails to realize that doubts due to one intimate neglect shut her out from happy married love.” Otherwise, mothers shouldn’t ruin the evening with the family because of their temper, but simply take a bath with New Ivory Soap, so your husband and son won’t run away because they aren't scared of you any longer. You can also keep her mind clean with an antipsychotic with side effects: "Now she can cook breakfast again when you prescribe new mornidine.” Otherwise, Maxim tells men: “Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay… when you do them, that is,” as if it was not simply the responsibility of anyone living in that home.

6 She Must Want You

Some things didn’t change from 2 AD, as it was written in Art of Love: “A woman sprawling along, and drenched in plenteous wine, is a disgusting object; she is worthy to endure the embraces of any kind of fellows.” There are plenty of reasons why you should think it is okay to assume you can have sex according to magazines. After all, as it is written in Maxim: "Girlfriends come with a built-in sex guarantee.” Even if she’s mad, that’s a great opportunity: “Your first real fight comes with a built-in silver lining: steaming-hot make-up sex!” Keep going on even if she tells you to stop because she read Cosmo’s advice reading: "His idea of dirty talk is 'Oh, baby, stop. Please. Just. Stop.’" If a guy sends a kissy-face emoticon, he’s saying, “I want to jump your bones, but I’m not okay with sexting… and I’m cheesy. Otherwise, if you have just met her, Men’s Fitness and Men’s Health advise: “You may assume that if a woman wears red, she's more interested in sex” and “Can’t take your eyes off her nearly see-through dress? Don’t — she’s scantily clad for a reason” as if this meant you should expect more from her. Maxim agrees with that as if her “profile reveals that she just wants ‘lighthearted fun," it is only a sneaky way to say she just wants to end up “screwing in the private bathroom of the Harvard bookstore…”

5 Manipulate Them The Right Way

"Remember that women are like flowers, a little squeezing makes them more fragrant," reads the guide from 1936. Cosmo also gets into a lot of metaphors when talking about sex: “You can tap [his member] back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball.” But wait until you try Burrito Sex, as advised by Men’s Health: “Make a Bedroom Burrito. While you’re rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can’t do anything with her arms” as if making her claustrophobic was a turn on.

4 Just Lie To Her

According to Men’s Fitness, you just shouldn’t talk about the number of people you both had sex with or it might lead to a breakup. Lying can even be hot to Cosmo as: “According to the latest relationship Intel, keeping some stuff hidden is key to making him even hotter for you” - as if hotness was more important than trust. As “Every woman looks at her man’s phone log when the opportunity arises,” save your mistress’ number under a man’s name. But in exchange, you can also "Make sure she knows how beautiful she is and how sexually skilled she is, especially if she isn’t." Otherwise, you can make her believe she can trust you, but risk her life instead as “adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive” according to Men’s Health. Anyway, women are already losing to you according to Men's Health, and most of those lies are about them cheating on you or not liking sex with you.

3 They All Like The Same Things

“Guys all have the same interests and find the same things funny, so if a girl quotes anything from Family Guy or a Will Ferrell movie, she’s hilarious," advises Seventeen. However, according to Men’s Fitness, a man can feel threatened and find a woman less attractive if she is more intelligent than he is. Let’s also hope every woman only likes salad so the man won’t make a mistake following Woman’s Own Magazine (1950) advice: “The man always does the ordering, never ask the waiter yourself for anything.” If you want to offer them a gift, Men’s Health reported women wanting great oral sex, designer high heels or a puppy, in that order. Jewish people are also all the same according to Cosmo as if you go out with them, “you might get to hit up fun weddings with free food and stuff.” However, if you want to know if a girl likes you, you can listen to Men’s Health as there is only one good way to react to this: “slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it.” If there is one thing you should really listen to it is that "81% of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking,” so please, just always ask. And listen.

2 If You Love Food And Sex

Cosmo seems to know what men like to eat: “Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple, and ask your man to lick it off” or if you really want to get sticky and ruin your sheets add, “Peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body” and “feed each other ice cream [in the dark] […] which means more licking up the mess.”Add a little pepper as “sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm,” use your utensils “Press a fork into different parts of his body” and eat him “See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? This is how I’m going to devour you.” As if you were really eating her: “Season her belly with salt and then lick it off.” Otherwise, you can put a donut around his member and eat it when you are tired of doing everything else as long as you make sure you “slip a condom on it (so you don’t get yeast infection).” After all, Popsicles must be exciting as you should also “(think of a Popsicle)” when servicing his member. Men’s Health shares food advice for the guys too as you can "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob” as long as you make sure you are not telling that to your flatmate with whom you share Nutella.

1 Just Don’t Have Sex

“Don’t imagine that the perfect lover, whether male or female, will come along ready-made. If they do, mistrust them, since this shows a certain amount of previous experience," reads the Do's and Don'ts for Lovers. However, you’d better take a risk than marry someone if you know too much of their past: “Don’t seek your wife among your own relatives if you can possibly help it.” US Catholic also shared a quote from Bob Barlett: “Sex is very much like a bottle of wine. You can open it and share it over dinner with your family, or you can drink the whole bottle, get in your car and drive, and end up harming somebody.” However, if you ever have sex: don’t look. You better blindfold yourself so she won’t feel ashamed of the way her body looks, as it is written in Men’s Health: “If you really can’t see her because your eyes are covered, she’ll do a lot more with you, to you, and for you.”

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The 10 Worst Types Of Dating Advice You Read In Magazines