Breaking up with someone is never easy. They always want to know why, and sometimes you just don't have a good answer for them. There could be crying, there could be begging, and the whole thing is just uncomfortable for everyone. Wouldn't it be great if you could just get her to dump you instead? Then she doesn't feel rejected, and you don't have to explain yourself. It's a win-win.
While the mature thing to do would just be to man up and break up with her the old fashioned way-- honest and face to face. But who are we kidding, no one does that anymore. If karma isn't really something you're concerned about, and being labeled an asshole is nothing new for you, then there are a few things you can do that will get her thinking she might be better off without you. And if this is how you break up with someone, well then she probably is.
Disclaimer: actually doing any of these things basically makes you unworthy of female attention, so proceed with caution.
15 Be A Ghost
If you've been together for awhile and your lives are intertwined, you might need to start off slow. Start by replying slower to her texts, and ignoring some here and there. She'll probably confront you about it, but just brush it off like it's no big deal. Eventually stop responding to the majority of her texts, and never answer the phone, or return her calls.
Chances are she'll get fed up and corner you somewhere, like at the coffee shop she knows you hit every morning. Act like you have no idea what she's talking about, and she'll have no choice but to dump you. She has to protect her pride.
14 Insult Her Frequently
Start off with the occasional back-handed compliment, and gradually increase to constant negging, and finally full-out insults. It shouldn't take long before she realizes you're trying to be an asshole on purpose, and you have no regard for her feelings. If you're fine with being cruel sometimes, and you don't mind hurting her, this shouldn't be hard.
If you put her down in front of her friends and family every once in awhile, that should speed up the process. But be prepared for a confrontation or two by people who are trying to stick up for her.
13 Pick Petty Fights
There's nothing too small or insignificant to start a fight about at this point. The more fights the better actually. Don't hesitate to rehash old arguments that she's probably forgotten about either. Bringing up something you promised to let go of will never go over well, and that's exactly what you want.
Make her feel like she has to walk on eggshells and choose her words extremely wisely when she's around you, and eventually she'll get so tired of being on your bad side all the time that she won't want to spend time with you. Which will inevitably lead to a break up.
12 Stop Making Her a Priority
When you were happy together you probably checked with her before making other plans, and you might even have cancelled things with other people just so you could hang out with her. That was because you genuinely wanted to spend all your time with her. Now, if you want her to notice that you no longer feel the same way, start choosing your friends over her every time.
Cancel plans with her so you can do nothing in front of your TV instead. Stop sending good night texts, doing nice things for her, and generally acting like a boyfriend would act. If you no longer treat her the way she deserves to be treated, she won't keep you around for long.
11 Don't Listen to Her
A good boyfriend listens to his girlfriend when she's venting about work, or telling him something that happened with her friends. He remembers things she mentions casually, and surprised her later. He knows all her likes and dislikes, and what's going on in her life, and he's actually interested. So, basically, if you want her to dump you, just stop paying attention to anything she says.
Pretend you're preoccupied with your phone, or whatever video game you happen to be playing, and don't even acknowledge she's speaking half the time. If you do it for long enough, guaranteed that will piss any woman off enough to dump you on the spot.
10 Flirt With Other Girls in Front of Her
This may be playing with fire a little but when it comes to cheating, but the difference is if you're doing it in front of her, you know it's not going to escalate. She'll stop you before you go too far, but she'll still be plenty angry about your blatant disrespect for her presence and her feelings.
Also, if she sees you flirting with another girl when she's right there, she's definitely going to start wondering what you do when she's not around. That little seed of paranoia can be way more powerful than the actual act of cheating.
9 Stop Being Fun to Hang Out With
Maybe you were laid back, spontaneous, funny, and just fun to be around when you first started dating. But you were putting your best foot forward then because you wanted her to like you. Now, you don't have to do that anymore. In fact, you want to do the exact opposite. All the qualities that made her fall for you in the first place have to vanish for a little awhile. Or at least long enough to make her think you just aren't the person she thought you were.
If she's not having any fun being around you anymore, it won't be long before she's the one that stops returning your calls.
8 Casually Mention You Don't Believe in Marriage
This also applies to other values that you know are important to her. She may be with you because she thinks you want the same things, and you're working towards them together. But if you casually say you don't actually want what she wants, that's going to plant a seed of doubt in her mind about whether you're the One.
She'll probably end up dumping you and believing wholeheartedly that she's doing the right thing for both of you. This way, neither one of you gets hurt, and you can move on guilt-free.
7 Hit on Her Friends
You don't actually have to go so far as to make a move on one of her friends for this to work. Just casually flirt with them every time you see them. Don't make it too obvious though. Keep it casual enough that it can't be considered cheating, but it will definitely set off a red flag in her friend's mind big enough that she'll have to tell your girlfriend (her friend) about your behavior.
Her pride and pressure from her friends will leave her with no choice but to kick you to the curb. No girl will accept the humiliation of her boyfriend hitting on her friends, and it will also give her the impression that even if you have cheated yet, you eventually will.
6 Compare Her to Her Mother
This will probably only work if she doesn't have a close relationship with her mother. If they don't really get along or see eye to eye on a lot of things, casually pointing out that she's starting to turn into her mother is not going to go over well. If you know about certain qualities she particularly dislikes in her mother, make sure to use those to your advantage.
Beyond that, no girl wants to be called motherly when she isn't a mother. Maybe tell her she's being naggy, or treating you like a child. This might not make her dump you on it's own, but it could be helpful when combined with other strategies.
5 Hang Out With Your Ex
Unless she's the most secure girl on the planet (and they do exist), if you suddenly start spending a bunch of time with an ex-girlfriend she's going to get suspicious that something is going on. Even if you really are just friends, your girl most likely won't be 100% comfortable with you spending time with an ex.
Eventually she'll bring up her insecurities and you can use that to spark a debate over why she doesn't trust you, and how you can't be in a relationship with someone who is so jealous.
4 Let Yourself Go
If you were into fitness, healthy eating, and generally just had your life together when you met, letting all that stuff go definitely won't go unnoticed. If putting your health at risk is going a little too far, then just focus on things you can easily fix once she's gone. Stop getting your monthly hair cut, let your dishes pile up in the sink, and wear dirty clothes when you're around her.
As a bonus, if she insists on cleaning up for you and doing your laundry, that's a prime opportunity to tell her she's turning into her mother.
3 Sign up for a Dating Site
You don't have to actually use the dating site to find hook ups, but if you have a profile and hide it from her, it will definitely seem like that's what you're doing. Trust is a hard thing to get back once it's broken, and if she thinks you're contemplating an affair, chances are she won't want to stick around to wait for you to cheat on her, and worse, dump her for someone else.
Make sure you "accidentally" leave the site in your browser history, "forget" to delete registration emails, and check sneakily your messages while she's sitting right beside you.
2 Stop Being Affectionate
If you used to be all about holding hands, and cuddling, hugs hello and kisses goodbye, she's definitely going to notice if you suddenly stop any unnecessary physical contact. This means you're going to have to stop having sex too, guys. If you're trying to push her away, sending mixed signals is just going to confuse her and drag out the inevitable.
She might ask why you're giving her the cold shoulder, but just keep acting like you don't know what she's talking about, and she'll eventually get the hint.
1 Tell Her You Don't Love Her Anymore
If you really don't have feelings for her anymore and want to break up, but don't want to be the one to say the words, this is the way to go. It's basically an indirect way of dumping her, because no girl with any self respect is going to stay with a guy who admits he doesn't love her anymore.
If you tell her you're willing to stay together even though the feelings aren't there, chances are she's going to refuse. You both know it's only a matter of time before it falls apart anyway, and even couple's therapy probably won't save this one. But if you're willing to say this, you might as well take that extra step and be the one to break it off, because you aren't saving anyone's feelings anyway.