Oh, the age old question that dudes everywhere must ask themselves: Am I a douchebag? For starters, if you’re actually asking yourself that then yes, you’re probably a douchebag.
Douchebags can come in many shapes and forms. No longer are douches just those dudes who are the grown-up versions of the cool football players from high school. Nope, now even hipsters can be douchebags. Have you ever been lectured about why you should only buy organic fair-trade coffee beans and with those coffee beans, you should use a French press for the strongest flavor? Well, that dude was probably a hipster douchebag. There are also douchebags who are obsessed with the gym, obsessed with a vegan lifestyle or just flat-out obsessed with themselves. I told you - they come in many shapes and sizes today.
Since the douchebag virus seems to be spreading, it can be harder to tell when you’re in the presence of a douche or are yourself a douchebag, but no worries. Below are 15 signs that you’re a douchebag. Of course, having one or two of the symptoms many not mean you’re a full-blown douchebag, but you could be on your way there.
Also, if you relate to all 15 signs, it’s too late and we can’t help you. You’re 100% a douchebag and there’s no cure for that.
14 You Use The Word "Classic" To Describe Yourself
If your Twitter or Instagram account is named something like classicluke213, you should really evaluate if you may actual be a douchebag. I mean, what really is Classic Luke? And, how old must one be before they become classic? I wouldn’t necessarily call a film that is 25 years old a classic, so why is this 23-year-old a Classic Luke? The use of the word classic to describe yourself is just so damn confusing.
Even worse is if you do something stupid and call it a Classic Luke Move. Luke, no. Vomiting or having a one night stand is not something that should be a "classic move" for anyone and if you consider it one of your classic moves, you’re a douchebag. Perhaps your classic move should be treating people with respect and only drinking an amount of alcohol that you can handle.
13 You Name Drop
The universal douchebag move: name dropping. When, oh when, will you dudes realize that no one gives a shit about who you hung out with? If you hung out with Ryan Gosling, I’d maybe care a little bit. Actually, I'd really only care if you gave him my number and if you didn’t, I wouldn’t know why you’re telling me you met Ryan Gosling and that he does not have my number yet.
Of course, if he is acting starstuck that is one thing. The true sign of a douche is when he acts like he is BFF with whoever it was he is name dropping. Obama does not remember meeting you on your walking tour of The White House, even if you cracked a joke that he pity-laughed at. Move on with your life.
Name dropping also takes the form of ‘place dropping’ from time to time. Guys will drop the names of cool places that they go – whether it’s a club, hotel or whatever else. If only one day, douchebags would stop name dropping and then we could all stop rolling our eyes at them.
If you feel yourself dropping names, reel it back.
12 Two Words: Gym Selfies
Here’s a list of people that care that you went to the gym: you. You are literally the only person who cares that you went to the gym. Okay, maybe your trainer cares but that’s only because he wants to get paid.
If you go to the gym, do it like everyone else – silently and hating it. If you’re the type to post gym selfies, gym stats and long-winded statuses about your gym progress, well, you might be a douchebag. We understand that you’re happy to be less fat. We’re all happy to be less fat. Actually, I'm lying. I’m happiest when I’m eating pizza and four episodes into a binge-watching session but to each their own, right?
To be less of a douche, don’t friggin’ tell us about every single time to go to the gym.
11 You Use Your Phone Whenever, Wherever You Want
Yo, it’s your grandmother’s funeral so get off your phone.
People who use their cell phones all the time, no matter what, are not only douchebags but also inconsiderate people. Now, in this day and age, it is difficult to detach from your phone. That’s totally understandable. Your phone has your world on it. It’s your alarm clock, your to-do list, your link to everyone you love, your map, your phonebook. It’s everything, because there really is almost an app for everything. But, there are also times when you need to not be on your phone. Your grandmother’s funeral is one of those times. When you’re having dinner with someone or on date, you also shouldn’t be on your phone.
The douche cherry on top is if you say, “I gotta take this, it’s important.” Nope, it's not important. You’re just a douche.
10 You Have A "Hustle" Or Often Crush It
If you’re often talking about your "hustle" or how you "crushed it," you’re in dangerous douche territory. In fact, I don’t even know if you can be saved at this point. You might be a goner.
These terms are often how one will refer to work. If you come in at 7 am or stay until 9 pm, you are hustlin’ or have a hustle. To be honest, I don’t even know exactly how to use these phrases correctly because I’m not a douchebag. Also, if you did a good job on a project, you didn’t just do a good job on a project but instead, you totally crushed it. Gag.
What’s worse is that people will actually use these phrases on their social media, which may be more annoying than the people posting photo after photo of their baby who is 78 days old and weights 15 pounds. Why do I know that information about a stranger’s baby? I don’t know! They told me on social media!
9 You Quote Will Ferrell Movies
First and foremost, let me just state that I have nothing against Will Ferrell. In fact, I think Will Ferrell is a living comedic legend. One day, people will talk about him in the same way we talk about Charlie Chaplin. That being said, for some reason the worst guys tend to cling to his movies and they quote the lines from his movies in general conversation like that’s normal.
What if I went into a Grey’s Anatomy monologue in the middle of a conversation? No one would think that’s normal, so why do these guys think quoting Anchorman in a bar is normal? Just drink your scotch, don’t say, “Scotchy scotch scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.”
Also, "I love lamp" is dead. It’s totally dead. For as many laughs as Anchorman or Stepbrothers have given us, they have provided us with even more eye rolls. Stop quoting Will Ferrell and start talking like all of us normal human beings.
8 You Get Bottle Service Every Saturday Night
Gotta get bottle service, bro! If this is you, you might just possibly be a douche.
Now, there are times when bottle service does make sense. If you’re in Vegas, bottle service is usually the way to go because you’ll skip the line, be given a table and you won’t have to go to the bar over and over again. Don’t get us wrong, there are special occasions when bottle service is warranted, especially if you’re at a club. But do you need to drop $1,000 to get bottle service every Saturday night? Absolutely not.
Instead of going to a club every single Saturday night, skip one night and watch Making a Murderer on Netflix. You’ll thank us later and you’ll be 7% less douchey from spending one Saturday night in.
7 You're Not Gay, Bro
Now, being homophobic is not just a sign of a douchebag but it’s the sign of an ignorant, hateful person. Why would anyone discriminate against someone for who they love? We should all just be super happy for anyone who finds someone to love in this cruel world of Tinder and selfies.
Moving on from that though is the fact that douchebags may not be too outwardly homophobic. They usually don’t walk around saying that gay people scare them. Instead, they’ll refuse to sit too close to their guy friend. And heaven forbid a guy tries to hug them. That’s totally gay, bro!
Well, if you’re a douchebag refusing to hug your best guy friend, you should rethink that. Life is short. Stop being weirded out by guy love. Guys need hugs too. In fact, guys might need hugs the most sometimes.
6 You've High Fived Someone For How Drunk They Were
Doing something dumb because you were drunk does not warrant a high five. If your guy friend got wasted and fell down a flight of stairs, you shouldn’t be high fiving him the next morning. Instead, you should be seriously worried about his balance when he’s drunk because he totally could have broken his neck or something.
Also, getting blacked out drunk isn’t really an accomplishment. It’s actually pretty easy to achieve. If you just make me three martinis, I’ll show you. Instead, you should reserve high five for actual achievements, like promotions or not falling down the stairs drunkenly. If you’re an idiot who thinks being drunk is an achievement, you may be a douche bag. Save those high fives for the person who cures cancer or something.
If you look up the rules listed in the Official Douchebag Handbook, you’ll find Entourage listed as the official television show. If you’re a douche, you’ll probably somehow connect to this show, even though your life is nothing like it. Despite the fact that you are not an actor living in LA, starring in Aquaman, you’ll know that you’re the Vinnie of your group. Also, if you think you’re the Vinnie of your group, you’re too far gone down the douchebag rabbit hole. There is no saving you, my friend. I’m sorry.
Liking Entourage is fine. It’s a fantasy show about men sleeping with attractive women every hour of the day and there are some decent parts to the show – hello, Ari Gold. However, in a world of Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad, if Entourage is your favorite show, you’re dipping your toe into that river of douchebaggery.
5 Girls Are Constantly Stalking You
Girls just always hit you up, right? You have one stalker after another. Well, you could fall into the douchebag category for two reasons with this one. The first reason may be that you are leading these girls on and thus, that is why they are texting you. I mean, if you have sex with a girl on a Thursday night because you are bored, she’s not really a stalker if she texts you on Friday, especially if you said you’d call her or something. Stop leading on these girls and I’m sure you’ll find that you have fewer stalkers, if any at all.
Secondly, why must you label someone a stalker for liking you? If anything you should be flattered and not ridicule them. She thinks you’re cute and interesting and wants to spend time with you. What about that makes her a stalker? Nothing, but the whole situation does make you a douchebag.
4 You Aggressively Drive Your Cool Car
If you’re driving around in a 2007 Kia Sportage, you’re mostly safe from this. If, however, you own a Porsche, Hummer, Tesla or anything of the sort, you may fall into this category, especially if you think your car is the absolute most amazing thing in the world.
Listen, we’re not going to say you can’t have a nice car. Have a nice car if you can afford one! That’s totally awesome! It becomes a douchebag sign if you drive like an asshole. Sure, your car can go fast and make noise but way are you doing that if you’re driving in a 30mph zone? It's a neighbor. There's no need for that.
This one can get even worse if you drive a cool car that you can't afford. Why are you going into debt just to have a shiny sports car? Oh, that's right - because you're a douche bag. Go get a Kia.
3 You Hit On Hot Women In The Service Industry
If a bartender or server is hot that does not mean she automatically wants to be hit on by you. Does she come to your office and tell you what a pretty face you have? Nope, didn’t think so.
If you are perhaps sitting at a bar having a nice conversation with a bartender, you could maybe ask her out for a cup of coffee. We can let that one slide if, and only if, you are genuinely connecting and talking to each other. However, if you think it’s okay to initiate a conversation with a bartender or server simply by telling her she’s hot and asking for her number, you're wrong. That is not okay and only douchebags think that is okay. Let her do her job and stop thinking that all women are just yours for the taking.
2 You Reschedule Plans All The Time
Oh, you’re so busy, right? Nope, you’re not that busy. You’re just a douchebag. Being the type of person who constantly reschedules plans is inconsiderate and makes you a douchebag. It means that you are not caring about other people’s time and time is valuable. It’s one of the only things you can’t get back no matter what.
If you make plans to have lunch/drinks/dinner with someone, stick to that, even if you’re busy or even if other cooler plans come up. Bonus points come to those who cancel plans right before you’re supposed to meet up. Only a true douche would cancel without much warning time, totally screwing up someone else’s day. Get a planner and stop being a douche.
1 Women Who Turn You Down Are "Stuck Up"
Even worse than the dude who thinks girls stalk him or who hits on girls in the service industry is the guy who thinks any girl who turns him down is stuck up. As if you are so perfect that she could only possibly turn you down if she is too stuck up to realize what a catch you are. Nope, sorry buddy. She may not be into you for a number of reasons and none of those reasons actually make her stuck up. The inability to believe that anyone would simply not what to date you though, well that makes you a douche bag.
If you’ve answered yes to some of these questions, there may still be hope for you. Remember, the first step in rehabilitation for a douchebag is admitting you’re a douchebag. We wish you well on your journey.
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