Every generation seems to have a special category of fools that take their phony personas to the extreme. It may have started back in the 1950’s with greasers, then came the 60’s hippies, 70’s disco queens, and so on. Recently there have been a lot of douche bags, but that term is almost too general, like a-hole. A more specific group of jerks out there right now are the dreaded hipsters.
We all know what the hipster dude looks like. He usually has a bushy beard and he’s thin. He might even grow out a handlebar mustache, and curl it with wax. He wears tight jeans, with some worn-down boots, or wingtips with no socks. His prescription glasses are definitely in a thick plastic frame. His hair is long, possibly in a man-bun. He might wear plaid, or a vintage rock t-shirt, and a grubby down coat with a faux-fur hooded collar. He likes craft brews, and knows everything about everything, especially tattoos, politics and music.
But he’s trying too hard and he looks silly. He’s such a fool that haters have invented a game for him called: Hipster or Homeless. This people-watching guessing game works online or in person, especially in big cities where there is an ample supply of both. No offense to the homeless, of course, or hipsters. It’s just amazing how similar they look.
There are plenty of female hipsters too, but they usually don’t look quite as homeless. A hipster girl usually looks thin and is sometimes pretty. She might wear a houndstooth dress down to her knee, with ripped stockings and combat boots. Probably has on a sloppy black cardigan, but still manages to show off a bra strap. She has shoulder length blonde hair that needs to be brushed, a small neck tattoo, aviator sunglasses and cherry-red lipstick. She also knows absolutely everything.
The pretentious intelligence may be the hipster’s most annoying trait. At least greasers and hippies were fun-loving dopes. But hipsters want to argue for hours about meaningless crap like film noir. These people are definitely not dating material, and below are the many reasons why.
12. Eating Together Is Impossible
You can’t take her out to eat. Where do you think you’re going to go? Fast food? Forget that. She’ll say those poor animals are treated so unethically. And the employees get terrible benefits while the corporate CEO’s make billions. She’s totally boycotting all chain restaurants. How about the local burger joint? That’s not going to work either. Actually she won’t eat any meat. Or eggs. Or dairy. She won’t even wear leather unless she rescued it from a landfill, where it otherwise would have taken 60 years for the rubber soles to degrade. She will go out for Thai food though. Or Indian. But that’s it. Because she is vegan, the most obnoxious of all vegetarians.
11. Her Fashion Doesn’t Fit In
Say you guys are dating for a while and Easter, or Christmas comes along. Maybe even a nice wedding of someone close, like a sister or uncle. There may even be a funeral that you must attend and want the hipster there for emotional support. You want to look respectable and blend into the crowd. Well, too bad if you’re dating a hipster. She is going to wear something outrageous, to show off her tattoos, or legs. Maybe she’ll wear a neon pink shirt or dress to the funeral just be ironic. If she is looking for irony, watch out, because odds are she will also say something purposely inappropriate at any traditional event.
10. She Shoves Her Politics Down Your Throat
Who are you voting for? Because the hipster will want to know, and change your mind if you don’t agree. Then she’ll want to canvas the town for her favorite candidate who happens to be barely in the race, but she wants to stand up for those voices that can’t be heard. She will ask you to go canvassing with her, through the worst ghetto you’ve ever seen. And when people wisely don’t answer their door when you knock, the hipster will take deep offense and stage a sit-in. And as you sit on the rickety porch floor, she will start singing “Bread and Roses” or some other protest song. She might even accompany herself with a poorly played acoustic guitar or an awful beat on an African dundun drum.
9. She’s a Poser
What if she’s not really a hipster? What if last weekend she was totally into hip-hop? The week before that she was into Broadway Musicals, then WCW, and before that she played bass in a death metal band. She might be very confused, with absolutely no idea who she is, or what she likes. You don’t want to deal with a personality that is that slippery and inconsistent. Sometimes you have to try many things before you find the one that sticks, but let her go through that stage on her own. Maybe when she gets to the final stage called ‘being yourself’ you can give her another chance.
8. Her Music Is Infuriatingly Eclectic
Just think how often you like to sit around with your significant other and listen to music. Perhaps there are special songs that get you two into a certain romantic mood. Well, no luck here, because normal aphrodisiac music is venom in a hipster’s ears. You think some smooth R&B or maybe some Rihanna will help get her pants off? Think again. Try some throwback acid-house remix of a Yoruba folk chant. Or maybe she’ll insist on hearing Ferenc Erkel’s, Bátori Mária as performed on a didgeridoo. How are you going to get your own bits working while listening to some crap like that? Even the strongest powers of concentration can be broken.
7. Her Movies Are Boring and Obscure
Good luck with this one. And good vision too. Better get your glasses out because you’ll be reading plenty of subtitles. And wear some comfy pants too, because you’ll be sitting there for a while. Don’t even try to get frisky while the movie is playing, she wants to focus on every single detail so she can discuss it in depth afterwards. The best advice here is to shoot for something French, at least that way you know there’ll be some sex in it. Maybe that way you can enjoy a minute or two. Maybe, just maybe, she’ll go for Wes Anderson or the Coen Brothers, but if not you’re screwed.
6. She’d Hipster-ize Your Children
One reason why you date someone is because you can imagine yourself together forever, kids and all. But with hipsters, it’s only going to get worse. If you can get through the bad music, weird movies, clothes and all else, just imagine how annoying things will get with kids involved. They’ll totally fuss about organic diapers and child vaccines. They’ll want to see the playground at the daycare and confer with every single teacher, and touch every single toy. Hipsters have to know everything, and so must their kids, so don’t even think of buying a house in a poor school district. Better see how many AP classes are available, and whatever else some random education blog tells them to do.
5. She Has Incomprehensible Spending Habits
Hipsters have money, but think money is evil, which leads to some odd spending habits. They don’t want to spend money on nice new stuff. They’ll shop at the Salvation Army, or Craigslist, just because they don’t want to give their money to big corporations. Yet they’ll wait in line all night and shell out big bucks for the latest Apple product. They might also spend $200 on that retro Megadeth t-shirt, but only because it was ironic to spend so much on so little. They might even give a bum $100 just to be sardonic. And don’t forget to budget in the tattoos, and cover charges for all the weird bands they want to go see.
4. Her Sexual Mores Are Different
If this hipster is so passionate about so many different causes, you better watch out for one terrible movement that she might endorse: abstinence. Maybe she red some Brahmacharya article about how orgasms kill your chi. Or maybe there’s a theory out there that abstaining from sex can increase your concentration and up your IQ. Maybe she’s just torturing you to be ironic, like the whole reason to date someone is to have sex, so that’s exactly what she refuses to do. Or what if the tables are reversed and she goes on some sexual rampage? She could be doing every guy you know just to feel the freedoms of an untraditional relationship.
3. She’s A Social Justice Bully
As mentioned in the intro to this article, hipsters are obsessed with wanting to appear smart, and in order to do that, they put other people down. Really cool, right? Especially when that person might be you. You’ll want to avoid being in groups with the hipster crowd because they’ll team up on you, with random topics that only their hipster clique knows about. She’ll constantly want to argue with you about anything that you like or dislike. She will have a fit if you say anything that is even remotely anti-feminist, prejudiced or offensive. She might even think your comments were comically ironic at first, but your true colors will eventually shine through.
2. She’ll Blog About You
Let’s say things are going well, but then the unforeseen happens. You’ve gotten along for months but for some reason, an emotional wall is erected and the two of you no longer mesh. It’s a sad breakup and you separate amicably. Or so you thought. Next thing you know, you get on Reddit, and see about twenty blogs discussing such personal issues as the size of your penis, and how terribly you used it. Not only is she making false accusations about how bad you were in bed, but she’s also insulting your family members and best friends. She even complains about your lovable golden retriever. Every single facet of your relationship is aired out online.
1. She’s Manipulative
The worst feeling you can have in a relationship is when you discover that you were never liked, and you were only being used. It happens all the time in movies. The dude bets his friends he can date the ugly chick, they fall in love, then the chick finds out, dumps the dude, and both hearts are broken. Well, in this scenario, you are the chick because the hipster only dated you to be ironic. Maybe she made a bet with her hipster friends, or maybe she was conducting her own little psychological experiment. She wanted to see what would happen if she dated the stupidest guy she’d ever met. Perhaps she’s even going to write her thesis about you. What a tragedy.
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