Whoever came up with the expression “Women are from Venus; men are from Mars” (hint: it was John Gray) was talking about sex (hint: he wasn’t actually). But he could have been, because sex for men and sex for women are two completely different things. Now, when they come together (heehee) it can be fabulous. But when one trumps the other, it doesn’t work out for either partner.
This is best illustrated in an episode of Sex and the City, “The Catch”. In it, the romantic heroine Carrie is wooed by the handsome and charming Howie Halberstram. His effortless cool when flirting with her leads her to believe that he’ll be a rock star in bed. Much to her chagrin, he isn’t.
Howie, however, thinks he did a terrific job. After Carrie turns him down later in the episode, telling him she thought it was just a one time thing, he tells her: “If I’d known you were just using me, I wouldn’t have made love to you like that.”
If you never want to be the man who believes he’s a sex-machine while his partners are actually kvetching to their friends, read on. Avoid doing these ten things and you’ll be set for life.
10. Being Too Quiet
If you ain’t got nothing nice to say, then don’t say nothin’. But if you’re enjoying what your partner is doing, SPEAK UP! A lot of men think that just by being there and “standing in salute”, they’re proving that they’re enjoying what they’re getting. And that’s true to some extent. But you gotta think that if you like when your partner makes noise (and who doesn’t?), then she must like it when you make noise, too. After all, sex is a 5 sense experience. If you’re as silent as a wise old oak tree when she’s working hard to please you, then you’re withholding 1/5 of the reward. We don’t expect you to be as eloquent as Aristotle when you’re horizontal, but at least open your mouth. And remember: non-verbal is noise, too!
9. Opening The Backdoor Unannounced
If you’ve ever shuddered at the thought of having something go up your bum, and if you’ve ever spoken the words: “Oh no, that is exit ONLY”, then your partner probably has, too. You’d leap from your bed to the ceiling if someone even approached that spot without permission, so don’t think that, just because it’s close to the place that you already have access to, that it’s A-okay to just jump right in. It’s not “fun, flirtatious, and surprising”; it’s “horribly intrusive” and will probably make your girl really, really mad. And that isn’t to suggest that you should never bring it up with her. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear her say: “Oh, yeah, I’d love to try that!” But there’s a lot of preparation to be done, and going for it without doing it is seriously unwise.
8. Asking Reddit About What She Likes
When there’s a problem with your computer, you can post about it on Reddit and get an educated solution. But computers are made in factories and their M.O. is that they’re exactly the same. But women are not made in factories. Even if we all have the same body parts, none of us has the same mind. Plus, research shows that 90% of sex for women is “mental”. This means that even if someone on Reddit can give you a response to what ‘mechanically’ feels good for women during sex, that’s only 10% of the battle. The rest of it you’ll need to find out by asking her, specifically. Certainly, someone may have happened upon her exact response on Reddit, but until you hear it from her mouth, it’s all just speculation.
7. Having Bad Hygiene
When a girl tells you she likes your “dirty mouth”, she probably doesn’t mean she’s charmed by your halitosis. And when she playfully tells you that you’re a “nasty, naughty boy”, she’s probably not referring to the fact that you haven’t showered in three or four days. The bottom line is that hygiene is sexy. If your armpits smell like garbage and your unshaven face is giving her rug burn on her chin, she’s probably never going to come to a thumping climax. Now we’re aware that there is a whole discourse of “pheromones” and “man stank” being the fuel of sexual attraction, but pheromones =/= body odour. While she might want to get it on after your sweat it up in the gym, she might not feel the same three days later when the milk on the counter has turned, so to speak. Clean up to get it on.
6. Not Foreplaying
Guys can admit that foreplay is just the wilted, unappetizing salad that accompanies your gourmet bacon cheeseburger. It exhausts your jaw, it guarantees that you’ll have a sore neck the next day, and it delays the fun that you’ve spent all night waiting for. But flip the equation: if you totally bypass foreplay, it spoils the fun that she’s been waiting for. You can’t bake a pizza without preheating the oven, and you can’t bake an orgasm without preheating your girl. If you’re a careless lover who doesn’t care about her pleasure, that’s your prerogative. But if you want a good reputation, you gotta do your due diligence. Plus, studies have shown that foreplay makes men last longer. And no one loses when you elongate the pleasure as much as possible.
5. Treating Her Too Rough
This one might actually come as bit of a surprise. In so many shows, movies, and songs, women claim to want to be treated roughly in bed. Just to be clear: we don’t mean to say that that isn’t true. There are many of women who like it a little (or a lot) rough. But then there is being too rough, when it goes from being fun and dangerous to just plain painful. Hair pulling is sexy when it’s in the throes of passion. But grabbing her ponytail and yanking it with all your might is not going to turn her on. It’s just going to tick her off and make her wonder if you left a bald patch in her well-kept hairdo. Of course, the tricky part about this question is: how rough is too rough? You can’t know unless you ask, but if you ask, then putting it into practice immediately becomes an unsexy performance. You’ll have to use your own instinct and build to the limit, rather than trying to figure out the limit by overstepping it.
4. Stopping For A Break
This entry might strike you as a little frustrating, because as the penetrator, you are doing all the work. “I’ll stop for a break if I damn well please!” You might be thinking. And right you are. Sex is fun, but it’s also cardio, and sometimes you need a moment to catch your breath and take a sip of Gatorade. But this is really just a question of how badly you want it. For men, it might be easy to get right back into it after taking a break. But often for women, it’s more of a progressive build. If you stop, then they lose their hard-earned momentum, and sometimes they can’t get it back. So next time you’re desperate for a break, ask yourself how bad you really want it. Maybe you’ll find that you’re actually more than capable of continuing.
3. Playing Obnoxious Music
As we mentioned earlier, sex is a five sense experience. If a sexy outfit or an intriguing perfume can turn you on, then, logically, a sensual song should be able to, too. And it can. But don’t mistake “sex music” with “dance music”. Just because a song gives you life when you’re beating the crap out of your gym’s treadmill, it doesn’t mean you should put it on during the deed (even if, as we’ve already conceded, it’s totally a cardio workout). Something enigmatic, perhaps with no words, is better suited for lovemaking than techno beats. Instrumental sounds, we suspect, are more arousing than ones computerized. You wouldn’t want to hear the sombre sounds of Law & Order in the background during sex, why would you want to hear Jason Derulo’s latest cut?
2. Asking All Sorts of Questions
“Is this okay?” “Are you into this?” “Do you like this?” — “No.” “No.” “NO.” Well… “yes” up until you asked. Nothing is a bigger turn off during sex than being asked a million questions. Not only does it shatter the fantasy of two passions meeting, but it also makes it seem like you don’t have faith in your moves. If you don’t believe that they could work on someone, then how is that person supposed to believe it herself? Besides, there is a built in narrative to asking too many questions, and it goes something like this. “I’m a little insecure about my sexual prowess. All I want is to please you. I’m so lucky that you agreed to sleep with me and I don’t want to blow it.” Even if those things are true, by asking questions you draw attention to them. If you never announce your internal monologue, even if you don’t blow her mind, at least you retain the sexy mystique that will leave her wanting more.
1. Turning On The TV As Soon As You’re Done
Again, just between us guys: after sex, you’re tired. You’ve been playing nice all night and you’re ready to just zone out in front of your favourite channel. But rolling over and reaching for the remote as soon as the deed is over might make your partner feel like a Hot Pocket: something that you consume as quickly as possible to satisfy a craving, so that you can go back to being passive. It’s the death of sexiness. We suggest that you battle the urge to turn on the television. Cuddle a little. Cool down. After that, without it being a jarring and insensitive change of pace, you can turn on the television. And besides: reaching straight for the entertainment virtually guarantees there won’t be a second round. If you were a little more patient, maybe the warmth of each others’ bodies would set a second wind in motion…
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