Falling in love with a passionate woman is easy. Just ask all of the men who have dated Taylor Swift. Breaking up with a passionate woman is a little more difficult. Again, just ask all of the men who have dated Taylor Swift.
Unfortunately, after a breakup, passion can quickly turn into something out of Gone Girl. Swift may have made a career out of channeling her post-breakup angst into hit songs, but most women aren’t Swift and cannot take their frustration out in the form of a multi-million-dollar pop star career. Most women are left with the one shred of you that they can hold onto: your social media presence.
Since the advent of social media, crazy ex-girlfriends can now keep tabs on almost everything going on in their ex-boyfriends’ lives, all from the comfort of a computer screen. Between profile pictures, tweets, check-ins, status updates and likes, there are many, many booby traps that can push an ex-girlfriend from rowdy but harmless Gloria Cleary in Wedding Crashers to Amazing Amy in Gone Girl. These ten pointers should help make the transition from lovers to exes a little bit smoother and less crazy.
10. Do not “like” any of her new pictures
Whether your ex wants to get back at you or wants to get you back, the hot selfie she posted is her first step. The same applies for the picture of her wearing leggings in a very flexible yoga position, the picture of her at a club in a backless dress and the picture of her in a bikini casually lounging by the pool. These have all been posted so you will see them and “like” them, reassuring her that you know what you’re missing and you’re still head over heels in love with her. In reality, “liking” this photo just means you think she looks hot. In your crazy ex-girlfriend’s reality, it means that you want to propose to her and impregnate her, like, right now. Do not open this bat-sh!t crazy can of worms by liking her new profile picture, no matter how good she looks in leggings.
9. Do not “like” any selfies posted by another woman
It may be harmless or you may be trying to put yourself back out there, but “liking” another girl’s selfie is a death wish for not only you, but for the innocent girl whose selfie you just liked. This will throw your ex into a tailspin and she will come to the conclusion that you’re obviously dating and in love with the girl whose selfie you just liked. You may be thinking, “But, how will my crazy ex-girlfriend know that I liked another girl’s selfie?” Um, she just will. They always know. There is a very high likelihood that she will, in some way, reach out to this innocent girl and tell her to stay away, resulting in you hooking up with said selfie girl and adding fuel to your ex-girlfriend’s crazy flame. That’s a lose, lose situation.
8. Do not post any pictures of you and another girl
It doesn’t matter if it’s your cousin from Idaho. Your ex-girlfriend will, again, assume that you like this girl, you cheated on her with this girl and that you are proposing to this girl tomorrow. It will drive her crazy as she clicks through 659 pictures before realizing it’s just your cousin from Idaho. If it isn’t your cousin from Idaho and it’s a sweet, totally sane girl that you’re now dating, the obvious doesn’t need to be pointed out, right? Posting a picture of you and her would be pretty crazy on your part. Your ex-girlfriend will eat her alive. Now, why would you do that to the sweet, totally sane girl you’re dating now?
7. Do not comment on her friends’ statuses
Yes, you may have been cool with her friends. Hell, you may have even become friends with her friends, but do not socialize with them on social media. If your comment is really the funniest, wittiest thing that you’ve ever thought and you must tell said friend, you’re better off privately texting them (though, that’s Russian Roulette too). Seeing you interact with her friends when you no longer interact with her on a daily basis is just salt in the wound. Be prepared for her to take action in the form of liking your comment (it was on her friend’s page after all) or her also commenting on the status.
6. Do not make a status or tweet about a TV show you’re watching
This rule also applies to a movie you’ve watched, a restaurant you went to or a new band you discovered. The status about Jon Snow on Game of Thrones may be completely innocent on your part, but you’re providing her with a conversation starter, opening a window for her to crawl through and never get out of your life again. When she texts you “OMG, I’m so sad about Jon Snow :(” you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
5. Do not open any messages she sends you
If she messages you on Facebook, do yourself a favor and never open it. For whatever reason, Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t understand the plight of having a crazy ex-girlfriend and provides “read” receipts for messages. If you open the message and don’t reply, your ex will know you’ve read the message and have chosen not to reply. Her thinking that you may have never seen the message at all is the much better option. In the off chance that she is trying to contact you about something of dire importance, the likelihood of her contacting you via social media instead of just texting you is slim. That is, unless you’ve blocked her number.
4. Do not delete pictures of you and her
This also goes for untagging. Do not untag yourself from pictures of you and her. Yes, the urge to purge your social media of all the evidence of your once wonderful relationship is understandable. After all, you’re no longer in a relationship so you’d like your presence on social media to reflect that. The furthest you can go without poking the beast that is your crazy ex-girlfriend is setting a new profile picture. Deleting and untagging pictures may not have an immediate repercussion, but it will without a doubt drive her crazy, which can result in her driving you crazy back.
3. Do not RSVP an event on Facebook
She will not only see that you are going, but she’ll be there. That makes sense with public events that take place at a bar or a park, but how will she be at your cousin’s housewarming party, you ask? Good question, sir. She’ll scroll through the information and people attending, noticing that her coworker’s roommate’s boyfriend is invited. After a little tactful convincing and bribing, your crazy ex-girlfriend will be there, drinking her third glass of Merlot when you arrive. Note: if you bump into your ex after she’s had three glasses of Merlot, run. It will not end well.
2. Do not check-in anywhere
Letting your crazy ex-girlfriend know your current location on a Saturday night is like pouring a big ol’ glass of aged whiskey for an alcoholic. Why would you dangle this bait (the bait being you) in front of her? Upon checking-in somewhere, you can expect your crazy ex there sometime within the hour depending on how fast she can get an Uber. Unfortunately, this is something you cannot always control. A well-meaning friend can check you in. If this happens abort. Have the person with the highest Uber rating request a car because you gotta get out of there.
1. Do not defriend her
Sure, defriending your ex may seem like the easy answer. You won’t have to monitor everything anymore. You can post whatever pictures or statuses or tweets you like. This is not the answer. First of all, ex-girlfriends are not in it alone. They come with an army of besties who will screenshot the shit out of anything you post that could interest your ex. Also, it’s probably been quite sometime since you were smitten with her and requested her on all social media platforms so it’s doubtful that you remember her privacy settings. Defriending her may mean that you are not privy to the things that she posts, like the fact that she’ll be at a bar this coming Friday to which you planned on going. Defriending her may seem like answer to your prayers, especially when she makes a status that is a veiled comment on how much she misses you, but toughening it out and staying friends with her on social media can help you avoid walking into the lion’s den on a Friday night.
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