1 in every 3 Americans are afflicted with a dangerous condition. It is a sickness that is impossible to cure once it is contracted and scientists have worked for generations to fix it. This condition can affect anyone, too; absolutely no one is immune to it. The condition usually affects men of just about any age, race, or physical condition. It can’t be cured by eating right. It can’t be cured by exercising. It can’t be cured by good genes. The only way to stop this condition is through prevention, but efforts are often futile.
The condition is called being “whipped”. In the medical community, the official, recognized textbook name is Whipped-itis-osis. There are so many different signs, but they are difficult to catch until its too late. For so many people, the condition takes root in the brain and can affect the whole body. It is an unforgiving, relentless condition that turns strong men into shells of their former selves.
Doctors don’t officially “care” about this condition so going to them about this would be extremely useless. This is rogue science, doing its best to educate the public on how to recognize the signs of Whipped-itis-osis before its too late.
10. You Stopped Playing Video Games
For years after work or school, the latest Call of Duty game took up so much time that the only thing left after a marathon of gaming were sore thumbs and a hoarse voice from talking all that smack to a 12-year-old in Denver who thought they were so smart. Now, the game console has this mysterious gray film on it. What could it be?… It’s dust. The system hasn’t been turned on in weeks. The little green light has stayed perma-red for far too long. Dinner parties and late night romantic comedies have replaced throwing bombs into a crowd of video game characters.
“I don’t really want to play tonight. I’m really interested to find out what is going on with Rory and Dean on Gilmore Girls. Eeek!”
9. You Eat Food and Drink Things You Never Would Have Before
For years, the local Taco Bell might have been the go-to spot for late night munchies. There may have been a small place that served Chinese food, a burger shop that had some sweet curly fries, or, if it was a good pay day, there’d be some extra cheese thrown on that pizza.
“I’d better hurry, Whole Foods is opening up soon.” There’s also, “That sushi I had was pretty good, but they were a little heavy on the wasabe.” Finally, there is this statement to the waiter when he asks how the wine was: “That wine had a little bitter taste, but my palate is still developing so I’ll try the 1957 (insert French-sounding name) next time.”
Welcome to Whippedtopia. Population: 1.
8. You Are In Better Shape
Jogging. Yoga. Pilates. Circuit training. Sound familiar? For anyone who has done one of these in the last year, the whip has been cracked so hard aliens can hear it from space. The guy who hasn’t touched a weight in years? He’s probably completely un-whipped. The guy with a strong core and the flexibility of a rubber doll? Whipped!
“You know, I’ve been working on my downward dog pose for some time now and I have to say, it’s really made a big difference in how my hips have opened. Can I get a cucumber water, please?”
7. You Are In Worse Shape
Going to the gym didn’t even show up on the calendar. It was just something that was done. There was a routine. A schedule. A dream body was beginning to take form. Six-pack. Biceps. Pecs. All of a sudden, they were visible. They were awesome. Now, entire bags of Cheetos disappear. Gym clothes have turned into extremely tight lounging gear. The gym can only assume its former member has permanently gone into hiding. Instead, late-night dinners, vacations, finishing the other’s plate, and awesome desserts would require somewhere around 5,000 squats to burn off.
“Are you going to eat that? You are? Damn.”
6. You Watch Fewer Sports
It’s the fall. It’s the home opener against the rival team. Those hillbillies from that other university don’t even stand a chance. Everyone is wearing their team’s colors. They’re downing as many beers and hot dogs as they can. They’re high fiving. They’re going to win tonight! Now, Saturday mornings are filled with trips to Ikea because there is a sale on some lamps that just can’t be missed. If there’s time, the Home Depot has some lawn chairs that would look extra cute out on the patio. But only if there’s time. Ikea can take a while, especially on the weekends because the crowds are insane.
“Oh wow. New England won the Super Bowl? I didn’t even know they had a team!”
5. You Start to Enjoy Shopping
Shopping used to be a chore, strictly on an as-needed basis. New pair of pants? Ordered online. Food? Delivery right to the front door. Cars? Check the specs, compare prices, drive off the lot. Boom. If there was more than 15 minutes of work involved with shopping then it probably wasn’t worth it anyway. Now, shopping is an experience. The mall has so many little shops that were hidden before. The yogurt place has the best cookies-n-creme that is just bursting with flavor. When it’s all over with, maybe there’s some money left to grab something at Target to make tonight’s dinner guests feel more at home.
“Honey, can you believe that I found this deodorant for only $1.59? I mean it’s like they’re giving the stuff away! Thank God I had my coupons.”
4. You Delete Relationship Threats From Social Media
It used to be a source of pride. 500 friends on Facebook. 300 followers on Instagram. 1,000 followers on Twitter. If even 1% of the were attractive, it was like a badge of honor. If there was any dialogue with those attractive people, the re-telling of those interactions would be so fantastic that a Hollywood producer would probably buy its rights. Now, 29 friends on Facebook. Most of them family. Probably a distant cousin. 12 followers on Instagram. Some are things like the Arizona Cardinals or the local news. 122 followers on Twitter. 99% of them are spammers. This keeps the peace. There’s no way around it.
“Well, this one person sent me a private photo with no shirt on. I looked at it and realized how inappropriate that was. I mean, come on, have some dignity!”
3. You’ve Stopped Hanging Out With Your Friends
There was the crew. They were fun. They were loud. They even all had nicknames. There was Stupid One and Stupid Two. They were brothers. There was Big Dog. He had a deep voice and was the group’s go-to man when someone got into a fight. There was Rico Suave, too. Somehow, he got everyone into clubs for free, got everyone free drinks, and ended up leaving with two random strangers. It was the best of times. Now, Labor Day weekend is filled with fun activities like going to their 4-year-old’s birthday party. For the really whipped, they’re in bed by 9:00pm because they have to get up really early to get the dog for a walk.
“No, man, I’m sorry, I can’t come out. Why? Well, who else is going to give our cat its diarrhea medicine at midnight?”
2. You Drive Sensible Cars
It was a rocket ship disguised as a car. It was black, red, or yellow. It had pictures of a bumble bee on the side, a cobra on the hood, or a ram on the grill. The car was tough. The car was fast. The car was sweet! Now, every Google search on a new car starts with “safety” and ends with “convenience.” The red bullet that doubled as a vehicle? Well, who wants to attract all that attention?
“The thing I like best about this car is that it doesn’t even go about 40 MPH. I mean, why risk it?”
1. You Think About Future Children
Long vacations to Puerto Rico, New York, Cancun, or Miami with buddies was the norm. There were few commitments except for trying to make that stupid rent every month. There was only one spot on the bed to lay only one head and who cares if neighborhood is bad? T-Bone never hurt anybody. Well, not except his girls when they forgot his money, but who could blame him?
Now, even that old grandma that who walks her dog every morning seems a little suspicious. Doesn’t she realize that dogs could carry all kinds of diseases that hurt babies? Plus, did the police just put a big red X through the neighborhood or what? They’re never around. Plus, T-Bone’s girls aren’t exactly the best role models, you know? What if there’s a kid in the picture?
“Oh god. What if our poor kids somehow gets my personality? They would be so screwed.”
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