There are plenty of reasons why you wouldn’t ask a woman if she had an orgasm. Maybe you don’t care (selfish). Maybe you don’t want to know (egotistical). Maybe you’re sure she did (cocky; probably wrong). Regardless of the reasons why you wouldn’t ask, there are a number of reasons why you shouldn’t ask.
Of course, there is a time and place for everything. Right after sex isn’t the best time to ask about whether or not an orgasm was achieved. It’s mostly up to you to decide the right time. Openness, especially in a long term relationship, can build trust, intimacy, and bridges to some kinky stuff. Well, maybe that last bit is up to you.
This list brings together some of the most compelling reasons why you shouldn’t ask a woman if she had an orgasm. With any luck, it will open your eyes and lead you to better, more fortuitous encounters with women. If not, well, there’s always the next article.
Take a nice long look over these ten items and see where you can improve. Don’t take it personally. If it wasn’t for an abundance of you guys wondering, we never would have made the list in the first place.
10 Focal Shift
By asking about an orgasm, you take the focus away from where it should be: On your bond. For the man, it’s easy to think of sex as a thing you do until you climax. For a woman, it’s not so simple, especially since women don’t always climax during sex.
9 She Might Start Faking It
If you continually direct attention towards her orgasm, it could lead to some issues. Or, at the very least, it could lead to some fake orgasms. And who can blame her? With your attention directed at an “end goal” that she can’t meet (not pointing any fingers as to who’s responsible), what is she supposed to do? Say “no I didn’t orgasm”?
8 It Doesn’t Always Matter
According to Psychology Today, many women don’t consider reaching an orgasm an essential part of having sex with their partners. Obviously this opinion can vary greatly. Why shouldn’t a woman orgasm during sex? We aren’t saying they shouldn’t.
7 Leggo’ my Ego
Women in a focus group, again a part of Psychology Today, brought up an interesting point. Many women will fake an orgasm for their partner’s benefit. Specifically, for their male partner’s benefit. It turns out women think their male partners need them (the females) to orgasm during sex, for the sake of the male’s ego! Can you believe that?!
6 Her Ego's on the Line Too!
Men aren’t the only ones with egos on the line. In the same study, women mentioned that they feel strongly judged by their partners, particularly when it comes to the “outcome” of a bout of sexual intercourse. And it’s no wonder. With pressure being placed on them by the man to have an orgasm (so the man doesn’t “fail”) and to enjoy a sexual experience without having an orgasm (since the male’s is more important) they’re faced with a lose-lose. Unless they orgasm. Or… at least pretend to.
5 Is it Casual? Definitely Don’t Ask!
The general consensus is that it’s significantly more acceptable to fake an orgasm during a casual encounter than it is during a committed, long-term-partner sexual encounter. For a casual experience, women worry significantly about their male partner’s feelings of inadequacy, instead of concerning themselves with their own sexual pleasure. It all seems to line up. It also seems like maybe we aren’t taking good enough care of the ladyfolk.
4 Bad Fuel for a Bad Fire
If there’s already a psychologically impairing element for her, where she’s worried about orgasming, and there’s a psychological element for you, where you’re worried about her orgasming, then asking about it afterwards won’t help either of you.
“Did you orgasm?” Isn’t a productive questions after two hyper-conscious people, intently attuned to the female’s orgasm progress, have sex. All that question will do is get in both of your heads even more than either of you already are.
3 It Could Be Personal
As a man, it’s (typically) pretty easy to spring up and fire off a load. For a woman, not nearly as much. There’s an oppressive stigma that keeps women from masturbating, and exploring their own sexuality, and “practicing” their orgasm. By “practicing,” we really just mean “experiencing.” It comes with the masturbation territory (Ha! Who doesn’t?).
2 Curiosity Killed the Cat
Have you heard about “the cat?” The one that was killed by curiosity?
Oh, you haven’t? Well gee, we’re sorry. We thought everyone had heard that story.
Anyway, some subjects are better left unbroached. Now the topics of sex, orgasms, and intimacy, those are subjects that should be explored, and thoroughly, with your partner. Be adventurous and be open, but make sure you talk about what’s happening and what you’re enjoying at the right time.
1 Orgasm Concerns Beget Orgasm Concerns
It’s an unfortunate trait of the human psyche, the closer one gets to something he (or she) is worried about, the more s/he worries about it. It makes sense, of course. Primitive man needed to recognize patterns, and be able to detect them in the future. Especially if they were dangerous. What better way to remind yourself of a threat than with anxiety, nervousness, and fear?
It’s a shame there aren’t better ways. When it comes to the orgasm, the closer some women get, the more nervous they become concerning whether or not they’ll orgasm. And, if that happens, it ends up being less likely that they’ll orgasm. It is an unfortunate system, but that’s how a lot of ladies are hardwired.
The best thing to do? Make them feel relaxed, confident, and comfortable. Get them aroused. Spend plenty of time stimulating their erogenous zones, like the clitoris. And take the pressure off, by not asking about their orgasms*.
*until the time is right.
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