Being single is not easy, and the most desperate hour is here.
You suffered through Christmas—and being alone really sucked. There was the office party, which required a guest, and everyone else brought their mate. You showed up empty handed, flirted awkwardly with coworkers, did too many shots and wound up passing out during your Uber ride home. Then the family got together, and the grandparents, aunts and uncles kept prodding, asking questions, and wondering why such an eligible young man was still single. You wanted to be proud and happy, but instead became frustrated and depressed, which led to even more drinking. You woke up hung over, feeling worse than before, and praying that the holidays would just end already.
Then New Years came, with the midnight countdown, the big apple drop, more booze and anticipation. If you had a girlfriend that night, the midnight kiss chemistry could have sent your relationship rocketing upward, sending you into a blissful future with a house, a dog, even kids down the road - who knows? But you had nobody, and considered making out with your hand, because anything would have been better than watching everybody kiss their sweeties when the clock struck twelve.
And now it’s 2016, and there are only a few weeks left until the most dreaded of all… Valentine’s Day. You’ve already suffered enough, yet here comes the mother of all romantic pressures, the pride-killer, third strike, confidence-squashing final blow. You can’t be single anymore. You just can’t let that happen!
So like any red-blooded young man, you start searching high and low for a girl that might be able to tolerate you, but you fail and fail, and are forced to settle for the lowest of lows.
The bar girl.
We totally understand your plight, but surviving alone or retrying another option may actually be the better path. Here are 10 reasons why you should never date that girl from the bar.
This girl has slept with a lot of dudes. Everybody has "the number" but yours is much lower than hers, guaranteed. In fact, you could probably triple your number (not even the real one, just the one you tell the guys) and hers will still beat yours. And with high numbers come high risks. She probably has something nasty going on down there, and you won’t realize it for weeks. She and Valentine's will be long gone and then a most unwanted souvenir will surface. And it’s not worth it. Going to the doctor, taking off your pants and asking "What’s this?" Not good. Being single is less humiliating than that for sure.
9 Gold Digger
If you came into the bar high-rolling, with your designer shirt, shades, and most expensive shoes, she definitely noticed. And that’s probably the only thing she likes about you. Sure, she’s hot, but she’ll play you like a fiddle - a gold digger.
She wants that Kim K, baller bling, movie star lifestyle. She’ll get you to buy her a nice Louis Vuitton purse, every meal, drink, flower and movie ticket. You are going to blow a grand a month here, easy. You know what kind of car you could be driving at that price? Or even paying a home mortgage in some places. Not worth it, dude.
Guess why you found her in a bar? Because she practically lives there. She is a dedicated, adamant, totally addicted drinker. Not only is she an alcoholic, but she loves drinking so much that she will never admit it. She’ll never stop drinking. Ever. Take her to a movie and she sneaks in a flask. Check her desk drawers at work and she’s hiding some vodka. And worse, the saddest part is—she will never love you as much as booze. She will be super late and ditch out on your most important life moments because she was drunk or hung over. And if she has such addiction issues, she might be on drugs, too.
Here’s a question: why exactly is she single, anyway? Something’s wrong. She looks great, doesn’t get too drunk, and has money, so why is she desperate enough to be bar trolling? She might have the most irritating voice on the planet, as screechy as brakes on a school bus. Or her laugh sounds like a walrus. Maybe she's a racist or homophobic, has 200 cats, eats paper, or belongs to a cult. Maybe her family kisses each other like the Vogelchecks on SNL, or Angie Jolie and her bro in 2000. Maybe you come from an odd family too and this hurdle can be met with success. Or maybe not.
6 Behind with the Times
Does this girl have a smart phone? If it’s one of those flippy ones that grandma uses, that’s not good. Does she talk about reading the newspaper, renting DVDs or dubbing you a mix tape? She may very well be a techno-phobe, which is not a great match for you, especially if you are reading list articles online. The better question may be, why are you at a bar, when you should have tried online dating. There are dozens of dating websites with survey algorithms designed to find a highly compatible mate. Tried that already? Try again, and don’t lie on the survey. Be honest. This is a chance for a fresh start here. And pay the extra buck for the reputable site. Don’t cheap out for the booty-call one.
5 Overly Nice
What if you found the perfect girl, and she has the rottenest friends you have ever encountered? That’s a likely condition of a bar girl who desperately wants anybody to like her. She might hang out with Bill, the tavern wino, who weighs 90 pounds, smokes three packs a day, drinks constantly, kisses your girl’s cheek like a creepy uncle, stinks, and may very likely be homeless. Or Nancy, the tavern gossip, who has fake hair, weighs 400 pounds, wears super tight clothes, cusses like a sailor, and brags about her sexual exploits, which are the most horrifying things you could imagine. This bar girl may be too friendly. You can’t be nice to everybody. The line has to be drawn.
Asking a girl her age is never a good idea. In some cases, it’s as bad as asking how much she weighs. You might not know her real age for months. She could be incredibly old, much older than you feel comfortable with, like somebody your mom went to high school with. Instead of asking her, you might be better off asking the bouncer at the front door if he saw the date on her ID. Or maybe she purposely dodged the doorman, and snuck in the backdoor since she’s underage, acting as old and flirty as possible because she is dying to be the first one of her friends to lose her virtue, and knows an older man knows how to help. But that could put you in jail, even if she looks and acts way older than eighteen.
So everything is going along splendidly, but the fact is, this is a bar girl, and you still know practically nothing about her. Then she invites you to her place, gets you in bed, takes your clothes off, and you’re about to consummate your relationship when suddenly... a baby cries.
That romantic moment is long gone. Surprise, she has a child. Not that moms are bad people or anything, but it does mean that she will have to share her energy and attention with another much needier person. Your romantic date may be cancelled because of a birthday party, the kid got sick, or they have a soccer game. And that’s just the very beginning of parenting responsibilities that you may not be ready for right now. Just ask Jerry MacGuire.
Then there’s the vindictive wife to beware of. She and the hubby just had a huge fight, or maybe he cheated first, and she wants revenge. So she gets all dressed up, looking so fine, high heels, tight dress, and cleavage galore. Then she orders the stiffest drink, downs three, and you walk in. She takes you home, has her way, and bam! The bedroom door swings open and a very angry husband is home. Make a bee-line for the window with God speed, my friend, and hope you are on a low floor. Or maybe the poor girl got the divorce, is trying to start over, but that jealous ex just won’t let her be. Another drama best left alone.
Are you absolutely positive that you have explored every option? You redid your dating profile, joined a church group, sifted through your Facebook friends, and even asked mom to sift through hers? Is this really the only place left to find someone? Have you ever heard of Ted Bundy? No, not Al Bundy, that’s the dad from Married With Children. Ted Bundy was the vilest of serial killers who brutally murdered at least 30 women, and one poor girl was last seen at a tavern. If you meet a psychopath, you probably won’t realize it until it’s too late. So pay close attention, and if you sense a warning flag, please run.