A little alcohol can go a long way in giving you some liquid courage. After a drink or two, you’re usually feeling great. You feel bubbly, you feel warm, you feel really happy, and you’re perfectly lubricated to handle yourself in social situations. All of a sudden, talking to those new people doesn’t seem so scary. Those pretty girls might actually like what you have to say, so why not give it a shot?
Then, there’s the tipping point. It’s a long, raucous reunion with your college buddies. It’s your 21st birthday. It’s a New Year’s Eve party. Whatever the occasion, you’re getting hammered. And for every drink you have, your performance in the bedroom is bound to take a hit. Having the bartender “pour you a stiff one” could mean you’ll be a Droopy Dan later in the night. Too many drinks has a significant, adverse effect on your sex drive.
You need to know your limits, and as far as alcohol goes, less usually means more! Take a look at this list of 10 alcoholic drinks that are bad for your performance. Is it time to pick a new go-to?
10. The Dark and Stormy
This is a cocktail that involves dark rum and ginger beer. Ever have one? It’s typically served in a highball glass and garnished with a lime wedge. It’s a delicious concoction, but it’s not the best play when you want to gear up for a late-night tumble under the sheets. Too many of these drinks could make your mood reflect the cocktail’s name. Alcohol is a depressant, and a few too many mixed drinks could have you feeling a little dark or depressed yourself. If that alone doesn’t kill your drive, it might turn your prospective partner off. Take it easy on the dark and stormies!
9. Gin and Tonic
More like gin and ton-NIX this drink if you want to get it on! This is a double whammy performance killer. The gin will depress your system because it’s alcohol. Decreased blood flow, dehydration, all wrapped in a neat little package.
The “double” part of this whammy is in the tonic. Quinine is responsible for the flavoring in tonic waters. Germany’s Institute of Reproductive Medicine found a possible correlation between quinine and the lowering of testosterone, and as we all know, testosterone is a key ingredient in a great night in the bedroom. You’ll want to avoid gin and tonics if you already struggle to “get in the mood.”
8. Rum and Diet Coke
Stay away from aspartame. Aspartame is the artificial sweetener found in a lot of diet sodas and some foods. There are all kinds of links between aspartame and negative effects: cavities, bone loss, obesity. None of those things will get you laid, or make you want to get laid, especially when you learn that aspartame has also been linked to lowering your libido. Add that to its propensity for giving people headaches and all of sudden you have a real recipe for an action-free night (or a much longer drought). Your best bet is to try natural sweeteners instead (like honey!).
7. Shots, Shots, Shots!
Think of your skin flute before you shoot! That’s probably an age-old saying, coined by our ancestors hundreds of years ago. Regardless of its inception, it’s worthwhile advice to heed. Shots can sneak up on you very quickly. You could be feeling like a million bucks one minute, and the next you could be passed out on a gross futon, or curled up around the toilet, purging the excessive toxins from your body. In either scenario, you’ll likely be spending the rest of the night alone. Having a vom-mouth isn’t sexy and if you’re out cold on a couch, that’s not exactly the best pick-up move.
6. Long Ride for Long Island
The Long Island Iced Tea is a hodge-podge of spirits served over ice and sipped through a straw. Vodka, rum, tequila, gin, triple sec, it’s all in there for a typical Long Island. A drink like this can put you over the edge, and fast. With an abundance of alcohol in your system, it will be harder for you to reach y0ur peak. That’s true for both you and your partner. Sure, it might be nice for you to last longer than normal, but not when “lasting longer” actually means lasting forever. Instead of a wild ride culminating in an explosive finish, it could be an exhausting, sloppy journey resulting in both participants falling asleep before finishing.
5. Sex on the Beach
Don’t let the name fool you. Drinking more of these won’t mean increasing your odds for a successful frolic on the beach. And trying to buy more for her won’t kick her adventurous side into gear. A study shows that women are less likely to initiate when drinking, as compared to when they’re sober. And too much peach schnapps for you means getting about as hard as a wet towel. A drink or two might be enough to get both of you feeling adventurous enough for a little late night jaunt in the dunes. If either of you drink too much, it could be the night of the beach action that never was.
4. Old Fashioned
Have you ever seen that episode of South Park where they joke about calling HJ’s “old Fashioneds”? It’s a riot, and only kind of related to the drink.
Though one thing is for sure, it’ll be embarrassing for you if you drink too many Old Fashioneds before trying to engage in some foreplay! Too much bourbon means a decreased sensitivity to certain stimulus. If she goes in to please you, she might as well be shaking a 5-inch piece of rope for all the good it’ll do. Even if you are able to get aroused, you’ll likely be stuck in a non-pleasurable limbo for a long time. Bring the lube, because no motion feels good if it goes on forever!
3. Whiskey Ginger
We just talked about Old Fashioneds from your bartender ruining old fashioneds from your girlfriend, but what about other whiskeys? Are those likely to cause an issue too?
Yes. You’re probably very familiar with the term Whiskey D*ck. While it’s clear that alcohol in general, not just whiskey, causes performance issues, whiskey still gets the bad rap. It’s not totally clear where this term originated.
Maybe it was out in the wild west, where gunslingers would sling guns all day with wild precision, only to come back, get drunk, and not even have a flesh pistol able to shoot. Red Dead Redemption could then be the tale of a whiskey-d*cked fellow who quits boozing, leaves his limp fish behind and becomes the stiff stork he was meant to be.
2. Beer Boy
Aside from the bellies and guts that get in the way of touching your girlfriends’ thighs and butts, beer has an internal suppressant effect too. Like the other forms of alcohol we’ve discussed, too much beer is not the one way ticket to pleasure town that you think it is. Usually after one or two, you’ll feel like you’re on top of the world. Nothing can get you down! You’re buzzing! You’re warm and fuzzy, and you have no problem talking to anybody! After a couple more, everyone starts to look good. Pretty soon, if you make it home with anyone, both of you wake up not knowing how the heck you ever went for it last night with each other. Beer goggles can make a bad thing seem good. If you want to get it up at night and not regret it in the morning, stick to a reasonable amount of beers.
1. More Wine?
In a bit of a curveball, we’ve saved the best drink for you, for last. In the right amounts, so probably not more than 2 cups per person, red wine has been shown to actually help out in bed. A little red wine can boost testosterone, which is great for men in the sack. For women, it can increase the desire to get dirty.
Of course, none of this matters if you’re drinking a bottle or two by yourself. After a certain point, and it’s a small threshold, the adverse effects of alcohol will kick in. Once that happens, it won’t have mattered what you drank.
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