Cooking takes time to learn, but what truly turns one from amateur to pro is drinking, because it removes self-doubt from your mind and replaces it with pure audacity. When you’re drunk, and it’s late, and your stomach is yearning for something heavenly, pure audacity is exactly what you need. It’s not cooking skills, nor recipes that will make your midnight meals truly satisfactory - it’s drinking.
Recipes are like training wheels; they help you with balance, but are really just for chumps. A true Ker-plunked chef does not follow recipes. Instead, they arrive at their masterpiece guided only by the ebb and flow of the universe, and of course, some liquid courage. Timing and ingredients are not what make a meal truly excellent, it’s the aplomb with which you create it.
But you have to start somewhere, with at least some sort of vision. Here are the 10 best tasty templates that will hopefully inspire the child culinary artist that is within your drunken self. Drink responsibly, and gorge without shame, oh discombobulated one.
10 Grilled Chocolate Sandwiches
Martha Stewart, for an inside trader, you’re alright in our books - especially after you’ve given us the recipe to make grilled chocolate sandwiches. This is a recipe for when you can’t decide between having desert or a grilled cheese sandwich.
- -2 large eggs
- -2 tbsps of milk
- -4 thick slices of challah or Italian bread
- -4 ounces of thin semisweet chocolate
- -2 tbsps of unsalted butter
- -Confectioner’s sugar (if you want to get fancy)
- -Whisk together the eggs and milk.
- -Form two sandwiches with the bread and chocolate.
- -Dip both sandwiches in egg mixture to coat.
- -In a large skillet, heat the butter until it is melted.
- -Fry both sandwiches in the skillet. Flip them, and occasionally press them down.
- -Lay a paper towel on a plate. Transfer both sandwiches to the plate, and cut them in half.
- -(Optional) Dust with confectioner’s sugar.
9 2AM Chili
The title suggests otherwise, but you can make this recipe at any time you feel like it. Not many people would choose to tackle such a robust challenge as this after 11 PM, but if it’s late and you crave something hearty, you can’t go wrong with chili.
Tyler Capps, the person who created this recipe, first posted it as part of a photo album on reddit in 2011. He used images and stick-figures to illustrate just how awesome the recipe was. Here, I’ll give you the run down using the traditional method with which recipes are transcribed, which is to say: words.
- -1 large can of tomato sauce
- -1 small can of tomato sauce
- -1 can of diced tomatoes
- -1 green bell pepper
- -1 bulb of garlic
- -1 Vidalia onion
- -1.5 pounds of ground beef
- -1 or 2 cans of light red kidney beans
- -1 can of green beans
- -1 can of corn
- -A few pinches of brown sugar
- -All purpose flour (2 tbsp)
- -Sugar (2 tbsp)
- -Garlic powder (1 tbsp)
- -Onion powder (1 tbsp)
- -Ground red pepper (1 tbsp)
- -Chili powder (4 tbsp)
- -Ground cumin (2 tbsp)
- -Basil (1 tbsp)
- -Ground black pepper (2 tsp)
- -Mix up the seasonings and set them aside.
- -Brown the ground beef in a skillet, chopping and mixing occasionally.
- -Chop up half of the bell pepper and half of the onion, mince 4 of the cloves of garlic, and set those aside.
- -Open, drain, and combine the tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, kidney beans, green beans, and corn in a pot. Simmer them.
- -In a pan, sauté the vegetables with the garlic. Add a few pinches of brown sugar to the pan.
- -When the vegetables and beef are done, add them to the pot, along with the seasoning.
- -(Optional) Add a shot of whatever beer you’re drinking to the pot.
- -Bring the pot to a boil, then reduce the heat and let it simmer for as many hours as you want.
8 Banana Ice-cream
For this recipe, you will only need one ingredient, and unsurprisingly, that one ingredient is bananas. Due to their high concentration of pectin (a compound found in plants that is used to make gels), frozen bananas can be pureed to achieve a creamy consistency, not unlike ice cream.
- -Peel the bananas and chop them into small pieces
- -Place the pieces into an airtight container.
- -Freeze the container for at least 2 hours.
- -Remove the bananas from the freezer and put them in a blender.
- -Blend them, occasionally stopping and scraping what collects on the sides down to the bottom.
- -When you get them to a consistency that you like, pour the contents of the blender back into the container.
- -Freeze the container for 15-20 minutes.
7 Spicy Ramen Noodle Macaroni & Cheese
Ramen packets are good for more things than just ramen. In fact, there are dozens of things you can do with them that are better than just following the standard directions. Most people usually have the ingredients for this recipe just sitting around, and are yet to be enlightened about their potential.
- -4 packages of ramen noodles
- -1 tbsp of butter
- -1 tbsp of flour
- -1.5 cups of milk
- -2 cups of shredded cheese (any kind you prefer, but pepper jack works best)
- -2 tbsps of Sriracha
- -1/2 tsp of salt
- -Bring a large pot of water to a boil.
- -Add the noodles to the pot, and cook them for 1-1.5 minutes.
- -Drain the pot into a colander. Toss the noodles with olive oil and let them stand.
- -In a large saucepan, melt the butter and add the flour to make a roux. Cook it for about a minute.
- -Pour the milk into the roux and stir it, until it is frothy and thick.
- -Reduce the heat on the pan to low.
- -Add the cheese to the pan and cook/ stir it until it is melted.
- -Add the Sriracha and salt, and stir it.
- -Increase the heat on the pan to medium.
- -Add the noodles to the pan, and cook/ stir for 1-2 minutes.
6 Omurice (omelet with ketchup fried rice)
This recipe is an example of yōshoku, or Western-influenced Japanese cooking. Omu-rice basically consists of egg, ketchup and rice, but the recipe I will be giving you gussies it up a bit. The amazing part about it is, you can strip all of the extra ingredients away from this and still end up with a delicious dish.
- -¼ Onion
- -4 Button mushrooms
- -1 Garlic Clove
- -Chicken bouillon cube
- -1 can of tomatoes
- -(Optional) Green onions
- -4 Eggs
- -2 tsp Milk
- -1 Tbsp of white wine, or sake
- -Olive oil
- -1.5 cups cooked white rice
- -Chop the onions and green onions, and slice the mushrooms into fourths. Put them into a bowl and set aside.
- -Mince the garlic and cut up the bouillon cube. Add them and the peas to a separate bowl.
- -Chop the chicken into half-inch pieces and sauté them in a pan with olive oil.
- -Add the onions and mushrooms to the pan when the chicken is almost finished cooking. Season everything in the pan with salt and pepper.
- -Add the tomatoes to the pan and fry for two minutes.
- -Remove everything from the pan and place it in a bowl.
- -Mix the pan mixture, the peas/ garlic/ bouillon, and the rice in a large bowl.
- -In a small bowl, beat the eggs with a milk.
- -Add some olive oil to the pan, then over medium heat fry the eggs as you would an omelet.
- -When the eggs are nearly done cooking, add the rice mixture to the pan. Form a small mound in the middle.
- -Slide the omelet out from the pan onto a plate, and using a paper towel, fold it in half and tuck the edges under.
- -Drizzle ketchup on top.
5 Pizza Cupcakes
Yes, you read that correctly. Cupcakes can do more than just satisfy your sweet tooth; they can fulfill your cravings for cheese and pepperoni, too. This recipe puts bagel bites to shame, and it’s easy.
- -1.5 cups of all purpose flour
- -2 tbsps of sugar
- -half tsp of salt
- -2 tsps of baking soda
- -1/3 cup of vegetable oil
- -1 egg
- -1/3 cup of milk
- -2 cup of peperoni slices
- -2 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese
- -Preheat oven to 200 degrees Fahrenheit
- -Grease a 12 cup cupcake pan.
- -Mix the flour, sugar, salt, and baking soda together.
- -Add the vegetable oil, egg, and milk, to the mixture, and stir until it is smooth.
- -Chop the peperoni slices into tiny pieces.
- -Add half of the cheese and half of the peperoni to the mixture, and stir them in.
- -Fill each cupcake cup about two-thirds full with the mixture.
- -Place the tray into the oven and bake for 18 minutes, or until they are golden brown and a knife inserted in comes out clean.
- -Take the tray out, and cover each cup equally with the rest of the cheese and peperoni.
- -Reduce the oven heat to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
- -Place the tray back in the oven and bake for another 5 minutes.
4 Cheese Chili Toast
Everybody likes toast, but you know what’s better than toast? Cheese chili toast. This recipe combines the delicious flavors of cheese, green chili, and ginger. You can add or subtract amounts of each, to suit your tastes.
- -4-5 slices of bread
- -3-4 tbsp of grated cheese (your choice)
- -1 finely chopped green chili pepper
- -half tsp minced ginger
- -Black pepper
- -Salted butter
- -Preheat an oven to 200 degrees.
- -Mix the cheese, chili pepper, and ginger in a bowl. Add as much salt and pepper as you wish.
- -Slice the bread into triangles, rectangles, or however you want.
- -Place the bread on a tray and bake in the oven for 5-6 minutes, or until lightly toasted.
- -Remove the bread from the oven
- -Spread butter on the slices, then pour the cheese/ pepper/ ginger evenly mix on top.
- -Place them back in the oven for 7-10 minutes, or until the cheese melts and the bread is well toasted.
- -Enjoy! If you want, you can serve them with tomato sauce, or soup.
3 Microwave Rice Crispy Treat
This one will help you satisfy your sweet tooth in under 5 minutes. It’s that quick to make because it utilizes the best cooking device that is yet to be invented: the microwave. What would drunk chefs do if the microwave was never invented? Unite together to build one, probably.
- -4 large marshmallows
- -1 tsp of butter
- -½ cup of Rice Krispies cereal (or any cereal of your choice)
- -Put the marshmallows and butter into a microwave-safe bowl or mug.
- -Place the container into a microwave.
- -Microwave it for 20-30 seconds.
- -Stir the mixture.
- -Pour in the cereal.
2 Creamy Hummus Broccoli
If you are like me and think vegetables are the worst (especially broccoli), then you will be surprised when I say that this recipe is delicious. It’s a tasty way of getting your daily fix of greens, and vitamin C. Also, it’s easy, so it’s drunk-proof.
You could add lemon juice, garlic, or black pepper to this recipe to make it even better.
- -3.5 cups of broccoli florets
- -half a cup of hummus
- -Using a pot and a steamer basket, steam the broccoli for 5-6 minutes, or until you think it’s done.
- -Transfer the broccoli to a bowl.
- -Toss the broccoli with the hummus.
- -Season it with salt.
1 Deep-fried Shots
In case you’re drunk and want to eat while still drinking, why not do both at the same time? This recipe is a glorious solution for literally doing just that.
- -Sponge cake
- -Alcohol of your choice (Tequila works great)
- -Frying oil of your choice
- -Powdered sugar
- -Bring a pot of frying oil to a boil.
- -Cut the sponge cake into bite-sized cubes.
- -Dip them into the alcohol.
- -Fry them in the oil until they are golden.
- -Take them out and place them on a paper towel. Let them cool.
- -Dust them with powdered sugar.