It is impossible to walk into any store lately without seeing a ton of Star Wars merchandise. By no coincidence, the latest movie, The Force Awakens, opens December 18th, perfectly timed for Christmas shopping, and no sales demographic has been left behind. The in-your-face merchandise saturation has grown to an almost intolerable level. Every drug store sells Star Wars toothbrushes and gummies, the hardware store sells front yard light-up C-3PO Santas, the clothing store sells hundreds of shirts, shoes and sheet sets, the pet shop has Death Star collars and Chewy chew toys, and even the liquor store sells can coozies emblazoned with, ‘May the buzz be with you,’ or some ridiculous nonsense.
Back when the legendary sci-fi films began in 1977, the market-flooding method began as well. Star Wars lunch boxes, trading cards, books and T-shirts were sold, and the 4” action figure business exploded. With every sequel, and prequel, and um, sequel again, the characters increased along with the merchandise. The SW franchise lived on for decades and created multiple generations of fans, which opened doors for an ever-widening market.
Add the fetish-enabling internet into the mix, and boom! The number of products doubles again with every unlicensed, off-brand knockoff, and homemade invention. Search engines spit out results of stranger and stranger products from around the world. It’s not just plush Yoda dolls and Darth Vader coffee mugs anymore. Now there are some outrageous products and plenty of them.
This article won’t list all the crazy SW junk, but it will pick out some of the weirdest and attempt to explain how such kitsch would fit into a typical home, routine, or special event. Read on you must.
10. Take A Seat
Okay, let’s start right off with a ridiculous idea, so bad, it stinks: a Star Wars toilet seat cover. No, not a, “Let’s get the kid out of the diapers and try anything” potty seat, this seat is for a grown human. Does the force really belong in the bathroom? “Force Pushing” – that doesn’t sound healthy. “Doodoo or do not, there is no try”…?
Apparently, there is no end to the tastelessness because the themed seats are quite popular. A quick Google search of “toilet seat” and “Star Wars” will leave you amazed at the selection that pops up – decals too!
*Insert Count Dooku joke here*.
9. Suds Maker
Well, don’t forget to wash your hands after putting that seat down, and here is the perfect soap to use. Millennium Falcon soap costs less and is very intricately carved and colored. That’s what’s so outrageous about it. The soap is so meticulously constructed, you’d never want to get it wet. It’s just like the Lego Millennium Falcon that took Dad three weeks to finally put together, and now nobody is allowed to touch it. Put it up on the shelf and leave it there forever. Good job.
8. The Jedi Knit
And now that you’re cleaned up, it’s time to get dressed. And one of these hideous sweaters is not recommended. Talk about meticulous detail. This thing should be put in the closet and not touched. On the other hand, ugly sweater parties are still popular in some towns, and this one would win any contest. And maybe, if you really love Star Wars, and wear this to a party, and then find a girl that digs you… man! You’re set! She is probably the one. Better break the ice with that Han Solo swagger and hurry on to lucky number seven.
7. The Force Shield
Warning: Jedi mind tricks do not prevent STDs. Protect that precious light saber with a variety of different Star Wars condoms. Again, Star Wars fans are way into puns: “Luke, I will not be your father” and “I don’t want any clones” are just a couple of clever safety messages on these decorative prophylactic wrappers. But odds are, if you’re really that big of a Star Wars fan, your game is exceedingly weak and you’ll never even get close to opening one… for years. But when you do, you might see number six.
6. Leia’s Secret
Okay, this article may be very flawed, there are definitely some Star Wars geeks getting laid! Just google Star Wars, and lingerie, and be blown away by the ample amount of R2D2 bras, panties and thongs. Rejoice and be hopeful, young Skywalker lovers. There are plenty of SW babes just aching to find you, and there is nothing wrong with that. Star Wars is in fact so popular now, that it isn’t that dorky anymore… unless you go into detailed conversations about character development, Expanded Universe off-screen sub-plot battles, Wookieepedia and, ugh, parallels to mythological symbolism and/or religion. But hey, if you find a mate who is willing to discuss all that stuff then don’t miss out on number five.
5. Droid Bling
In November of 2012, an actual R2D2 ring was commissioned by a New Jersey tattoo artist, and made by Paul Michael Design of CustomMade Jewelry. This is a real, beautiful piece of jewelry, but meant only for the seriously obsessed Star Wars fan. If she says yes to this ring, then your outrageous presumptions are all vindicated. She is definitely the one, the meant to be, and please go live a long and healthy life together. You can create your own little Jedi Padawans, and give them clever, almost-a-normal-name-but-not-quite titles like Mace or Kylo. This couple even had C-3PO wedding bands made too. And at the wedding reception, our number four entry would be the perfect gift.
4. Toast with the Most
A Darth Vader toaster. Best. Wedding gift. Ever. It looks pretty cool, pretty normal, right? What’s outrageous is the overwhelming popularity of this appliance. You can buy one at Bed Bath and Beyond, the Paper Store and Urban Outfitters, to name a few, plus online stores like ebay and Amazon. Is it really that awesome? Doesn’t it just break two months later like a normal toaster? Even worse, the Star Wars logo is burned into the bread. But why? Everybody wants an even toast! Not a bunch of words that will just get smeared with peanut butter. This product is ridiculous. Beware, one might be wrapped and under the tree already.
3. The Whole Falcon Crew
It’s not so bad if this gift is under the tree, though. This shade is probably the coolest product on the list, and it’s on here just because it’s outrageously clever. Next time your car is parked in the sun too long, don’t let it get hot as a sauna; let Luke, Han, Chewy and Obi-Wan keep it cool, in more ways than one. This has got to be the funniest sun shield in the world. It really looks like half the cast of Star Wars just crammed into your Honda Civic. The gift ideas keep pouring in now, and there are only a couple left…
2. The Fish Invasion
This has got to be the most outrageous aquarium on the planet. The fish tank provides lights, sound, and cardboard movie scenes to slip in behind the water. Looks like a droid that broke, was too expensive to haul away, and was repurposed in a most undignified way. Didn’t young Anakin make one in Phantom Menace? Hmm, maybe that scene was cut. The droid holds 2.5 gallons so you could cram quite a few goldfish in there. Be careful though, the dark forces inside the water may mutate the fish into an Opee Sea Killer, who could devour the family car in one bite.
1. The Burning
R2-D2 is so versatile, right? First water and now fire. This awesome outdoor wood-burning stove is a do-it-yourself project on Instructables, with only 11 simple steps. So get out the foundry tools and that masters degree in fine-art metal fabrication and get to work. Be sure to visit the bathroom first, grab some toast for a snack and bring your geeky spouse to help. This is one of the coolest wood burning stoves ever, but why someone thought of it is another question altogether. A question to ask of all these products, really. We just couldn’t stop at action figures now, could we? Nope, we had to desire possessions, and turn to the Dark Side. Hmpf! Adventure. Hmpf! A bunch of goofy Star Wars stuff. Jedi craves not these things. Whatever, Yoda.
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