Pokémon, everyone’s favorite cockfighting game, was tremendously inspired when it first came out. The creators took familiar animals and gave them exceptional abilities. Dogs were not listless house pets with insatiable appetites, but 350 pound, 6’3” majestic beasts that galloped across the land. Birds were not just stupid things whose shrill cries waken you in the morning, but giant swooping sky creatures that could whisk you across the land of Kanto.
When the second edition of Pokémon came out, people were still excited about it. Not only did the creators add some new evolutions (onix into steelix), but they also introduced prevolutions (pichu) and added a whole bunch of new Pokémon made of animals no one had thought to mythologize (mareep, the electric sheep; girafarig, the psychic giraffe.)
But, as with every compelling concept, Pokémon got tired. Where once Pokémon were based only on things that appeared in nature or in fantasy, they became increasingly based off of man-made creations. We forgave the creators for steel Pokémon, because although steel is processed, it still sufficiently evokes the tough, untreated underground for there to be a Pokémon form of it. But making Pokémon out of obviously factory-made things is an insult to our suspension of disbelief.
Not that the creators meant to laugh in the face of loyal consumers, but companies will go to hilarious extremes to reinvigorate a once-profitable idea.
“This Pokémon is a pile of garbage.” Contrary to what you might think, those aren’t the words of some punk-ass kid unhappy with the new generation of Pokémon, it’s some punk ass kid describing Garbodor to his buddy. That’s right: Garbodor is the garbage Pokémon. Its pokédex description in Pokémon Black, where it first appears, says: “It clenches opponents with its left arm and finishes them off with foul-smelling poison gas belched from its mouth.” Two of its abilities are stench, which gives it 10% chance of getting a critical hit, and aftermath, which hurts the Pokémon who deals a death blow to it. What a jerk.
This key ring Pokémon is steel and fairy type. Many steel Pokémon are hulking metallic beasts that appear to weigh a ton (Steelix, Aggron, Metagross), but Klefki is jut a little thing, weighing only six pounds (maybe it is made out of ultra lightweight aluminium or something). Although its level-up moves and stats are fairly good (half of the 18 types are not very effective against it, and one of those types – bug—is an extreme disadvantage.) But the thing is so goofy looking that no one would want to play with it.
Pokémon has a documented history of just adding some heads to the monsters when they evolve instead of coming up with something new altogether. Vanilluxe is the two scoops-headed ‘threatening’ evolution of the ice cream Pokémon Vanillish, which is the evolution of the kiddie cone Vanillite (we appreciate them gradating the Pokémon in the nomenclature: lite, ish, luxe; makes things easy.) This Pokémon is ice type, but given its form, it should more appropriately be diabetes type, because that is much more credibly harmful that a tasti D-lite that could freeze its opponent to death.
Chandelure is a fire and ghost chandelier that hypnotizes its prey by waving its arms, then swallows its soul and burns it as fuel. However creative that story may be, it does not forgive the fact that this Pokémon is a lamp. Since backstory is virtually inexhaustible but physical forms are not (specifically within the relatively constraining set of eighteen types), it seems as though this Pokémon’s designer shoveled an interesting story a top a lackluster appearance to try and make it passable (at least it isn’t Drifigible, the ghost blimp Pokémon.)
Another Pokémon that just crapped out a second head during evolution, Zweilous is a bicephalous dark and dragon type whose two heads don’t get along. The pokedex entry in white defines it like this: “Since their two heads do not get along and compete with each other for food, they always eat too much.” Okay, so it’s a two-headed dragon with an eating disorder. And despite having two sets of eyes, its ability, hustle, lessens the accuracy of physical moves by twenty percent.
Apparently, there is a huge Picasso fan working over at Nintendo, because this Pokémon is messed up. Its face is a claw with eyes, its elbowless left claw can see from its scowling orb, and its bottom right claw also has a peeper. Aside from looking “cool,” there really is no imaginable purpose to this extraneous bottom left eye (very accurate slaps? Making a closed fist would negate the purpose…) or from the claw on the forehead. Also: where is this Pokémon’s brain stored? At least this one can pickpocket, or steal items from a Pokémon when being attacked.
Although a Japanese game not released for Halloween costume synergy, the makers of Pokémon still decided to include a scary pumpkin Pokémon (type: ghost and grass, obviously.) In another subtle plea to our American tastes, the Pokémon learns the move trick-or-treat twice, once at level six and then again at level forty. It also at some point evolves in Gourgeist, a Pokémon named for the family to which the pumpkin belongs (gourd) and the German word for spirit (Geist.) Surprisingly, it never learns the move “PSL” which would have the effect of making it more appealing to North American consumers.
Klink, composed of two interlocking gears, evolves into Klang, composed of three, which evolves into Klinklang, halfway to an entire clockwork. Its name origin is “clink,” an onomatopoeia referring to the sound of metal clashing. We thought that tiny, useless metal Pokémon would have stopped with Bronzor, but apparently not because the people at Nintendo served up three in Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire and then brought them back for X/Y. The only undeniably cool thing about Klink is that it is resistant to 10 out of 18 types of Pokémon.
Remember that thing we said about backstories being infinite? Apparently we were mistaken: Honedge steals the soul of anyone who touches its hilt, much like Chandelure. By taking the souls of the innocent, it comes to life. (What about the non-innocent? What if that jerk Gary Grandson of Oak picked it up?) Once again, it just multiplies by two when it evolves (that added to the ridiculousness of inanimate objects spontaneously mutating) and turns into Doublade. After double the edge and double the soul sucking, it finally evolves into Aegislash, whence it springs a dope shield.
If you thought Nosepass was stupid in Ruby and Sapphire, you will love his avuncular evolution, Probopass. Similar to Nosepass in color and nasal morphology, Probopass has the added advantage (???) of giant, perennially stunned eyes and a hilariously bushy Mr. Potato Head mustache (whose idea was this???). The best part about it is that instead of being genderless like many other Pokémon, Klefki for example, there is a 50/50 chance of your mustachioed Probopass being a chick. There is no reason for there to be female Probopasses except for creators to be like haha stupid kids will eat up anything.
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