Have you ever taken a Facebook hiatus? You realized one day that you were spending countless hours refreshing insignificant information. You realized that you were becoming obsessed with keeping tabs of certain people, and then realized that if they were really your friends, you would probably know about their lives first hand. You may have felt this way and taken yourself off of Facebook, but chances are you wound back on it after some time away.
Social media is addictive because it offers a safe environment to seek information we would otherwise not obtain without embarrassing ourselves. It allows us to do what we could never do in real life – filter. We can delete our mistakes, redraft our ideas, crop our pictures; we can be who we always wanted to be. And it seems that all any of us has ever wanted to be fits into a few, distinct categories. No matter who you are, or what kind of life you have lived, or where you have lived it, we all seem to have the same basic types of Facebook friends.
The benefit of Facebook, though, is that you can avoid the people you don’t like without having to take responsibility for it. You simply block them. Why block a friend? Because technology is all about preference and accessibility. Why look at something you don’t want to if you don’t have to. Blocking people can give us a certain satisfaction that we can’t have in real life. We can choose not to view the comments and opinions of certain friends. But what kinds of personality traits and information do we dislike enough to block? Here are 10 types of friends we suspect you may have blocked at some point in your digital life.
10. The Fitness Fanatic
Having just woken up at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday, you are ready for the world. You put on the TV and munch on some of yesterday’s pizza. You watch all the losers on Judge Judy and are beginning to feel like a pretty upstanding member of society by comparison. You go on Facebook in search of the day’s news and there it is – your buddy smiling back at you, fresh with sweat in workout gear. Uploaded 5 hours ago! Not only is this friend an early riser, but she also did some basketball-yoga hybrid class at the park while you were still asleep. You roll your eyes loathing her down to the symmetrical drop of sweat dripping from her fresh face. This one has it coming you think, and with a flourish with more gusto than you’ve had in weeks, you block her forever.
9. The Check In
This friend has checked in more places than Richard Attenborough. The check in friend has an uncontrollable need to publicize his/her every movement. One can only hope that a serial killer is stalking them and will use the broadcasted information to put an end to it all.
What’s worse than seeing all the check in’s is when you physically meet this friend and they are constantly on their phone on your night out checking in! Or worse, they are actually coordinating your night by figuring out the coolest places to check in and then going there solely to check in! The whole thing is like a game of Super Mario; you defeat one world to move onto the next.
8. The Political Preacher
Social media was once a welcome break from reality but because of those friends of yours with big political ideas, it has become a horrifying glimpse into a post-apocalyptic future brought about by our own insolence. Your political friend is telling you that if you vote for he-who-shall-not-be-named you are bringing about the demise of your children and your planet.
They are forever posting articles about dead people, disasters and terrorist threats and perpetuating the violence and horror that the media push everyday.
All you wanted was a nice coffee break from work and now you are convinced that the world is in a state of disarray and that it’s probably your fault.
7. The Happy Couple
Oh just get lost! Go off into a maze while on one of your romantic hikes and get eaten by bears. Nobody likes that you’re in love except for maybe your families because finally you’re not their problem anymore. There is not one sane person out there who enjoys you writing a public post directed to your significant other who is probably sitting right beside you. How about you just tell them that? Does it somehow make it more legitimate if your old pen pal in Germany reads it too?
Proclamations of love are for rom-coms and the privacy of your own home. Thank you and Good Block!
6. The Family Man
Delusion is a powerful thing. So when a man has a child, he may try to heal his wounded bachelor soul by pretending that this child is the most photogenic, exciting thing on the planet. This child may indeed be the best thing that ever happened to him, but to the rest of us he’s just another bald, noisy, foul-smelling omen.
A video of your child swinging on a playground swing has as much relevance to the cyber world as an advertisement for toilet paper. Enjoy not filming the next scene of you changing his diaper.
5. The Boho Traveller
There comes a time in the life of every twenty-something westerner when it’s time to “find yourself” in India amidst a sea of impoverished, overworked children that you took a selfie with. You will post your picture on Facebook thinking that it will make you look very worldly and empathetic, but it doesn’t at all especially when the next picture in the album is of you drinking a Daiquiri by the hotel pool. You are obviously a changed person.
4. The Hot One
You have seen every inch of this friend’s body…in images. You know the manicured arch of their brow, the curve of their back, the adorable freckle above the right side of their lip. This friend is the one that has more pictures of them standing in front of a mirror taking a picture than they’ve had days on the earth.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that we have to scroll through channels of perfect people on TV and flick through airbrushed photos in magazines. Now real life people are beyond perfect, too. Not to mention this friend always seems to have more in-style clothes than H&M can stock on their shelves.
3. The Overnight Success
This friend was drinking vodka from the bottle on a staircase last week. This week they have a suit and tie and are rubbing elbows with New York City’s most influential entrepreneurs at some sky lounge. In many ways you are happy for them and it gives you hope that one-day you will rise from the depths of your own reality and find a successful career. But in other ways, you’re just mad that they beat you to it. And what do they have that you don’t anyway?
2. The Cryptic Post Writer
Tales from the Cryptic Writer are always open-ended. This character enjoys writing brief posts that elude an obvious question; “Got the Job!” As what you ask?
“Wish this day would end!” Why you ask?
“So much for friends!” What happened?
Spit it out! This is the kind of person that walks around moping until you finally say “What’s wrong?”. Why don’t you just explain the situation without being prompted to do so. You know someone is going to ask eventually and then you will explain so why waste time by not being upfront from the get go. It’s all a ploy for attention. Block!
1. The Animal Lover
Saving the world one kitten at a time, the animal lover is a kind-hearted individual sitting at home eating cordon bleu and crying over puppy mills. This friend really loves animals and so do you, who doesn’t squeal at a teeny, little labradoodle. All the same, there are apparently an awful lot of animals about to be destroyed right this minute if you don’t drop your selfishness and take them in. This friend posts pictures of adorable pit-bull’s with sad eyes and three legged, one-eyed tabby’s peering out of cages. It’s awful, but somehow not awful enough for you to drive on down to the humane society and bundle the poor things into your car. So you block them to not feel bad anymore.
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