Imagine the unfunniest people in the world taking drugs. Any drugs. All of them. Now imagine those unfunny people then talking about religion. Imagine those people laughing at food. Imagine those people saying: "Dude, we should make a movie about food having a religion." Now imagine a big studio and some of the world's actual funniest people being blackmailed into this venture.
And thus we have Sausage Party.
That may sound like an exaggeration, but this movie is truly the worst thing that has ever been smoked into existence. A would-be satire about the meaning of life and what lies beyond, Sausage Party is the kind of dumb humor that appeals to twelve-year-old boys and that one guy in your class who smells like weed and complains about "The System." Seth Rogen's lame attempts at witty humor fell deafeningly flat, leaving the audience grossed out and wishing they hadn't wasted their money and two hours of their lives. Even the star-studded cast and musical talents of Alan Menken weren't enough to salvage this cinematic equivalent of a fart. Seriously, this movie is bad. We cannot advise you enough not to go see this movie. Don't go with your friends, don't bring a date, and definitely don't go with any family members. You would be better off doing literally anything else. Like cleaning the bathroom. Or clipping your toenails. Or rinsing the wax from your ear canal. Did we mention this movie is bad?
Just in case you don't believe us, we've taken great pains to spend time and money on this movie so that you don't have to. Enjoy (or don't) our list of reasons why Sausage Party is the worst movie to ever see the light of day. Fair warning that this is spoiler-heavy.
15 The Opening Song
Yep, you read correctly: the movie opens with a song. A song about how the food in Shopwell's grocery store are thankful for the new day and the gods who made them and will someday take them to The Great Beyond. The song is predictably terrible; even though it sets up the shoddy premise and introduces the characters, the obnoxious voices and weird animation is nothing less than an assault on the senses. It also introduces a lot of the racism and otherwise offensive "humor" that is consistent through the movie. In this number, we find out that the fruits are outdated stereotypes of gay men and the sauerkraut are Nazis who want to exterminate the juice. Um. Yeah.
Possibly the worst part about the opening number is that it was written by Alan Menken. The same guy who composed our childhood soundtracks wrote this terrible, terrible song. We hope he was blackmailed, because the idea of his doing this voluntarily is just too much to stomach.
14 The Cast
Alan Menken isn't the only big name associated with Sausage Party. To our dismay and horror, some of our favorite actors and comedians voice characters in the movie. And not just small cameos--many of them are sizable roles. Kristen Wiig, easily one of the world's greatest comedians, plays Brenda Bunson, the girlfriend of Seth Rogen's hotdog Frank and a pretty unsubtle metaphor for a vagina. Edward Norton plays a Jewish bagel named Sammy Bagel Jr., Michael Cera and Jonah Hill play Frank's hotdog buddies Barry and Carl, Bill Hader voices an offensive stereotype of a Native American in the form of Firewater liquor, Salma Hayek plays a lesbian taco, Craig Robinson voices Grits, and Paul Rudd plays the icky store manager named Darren. What these actual funny people are doing in this film is a mystery; even if they somehow didn't read the whole script and only read their lines, wouldn't it have occurred to any of them how unbelievably terrible this movie is? Clearly, the only logical answer is that they were blackmailed into this venture.
13 The Script
For whatever reason the cast is as star-studded as it is, it seems little wonder once you realize how terrible the script is; there's no way that Sony would have given this film the green light without big names backing it. The script seems like it was written by a fourteen-year-old boy--which would be fine, if it was a fourteen-year-old boy making a film with his friends and not a major blockbuster shown to thousands of audience members all over the world. The plot, execution, and dialogue are adolescent at best, dropping so many F-bombs that if you walked into this thinking it's a kids' movie, you'll learn quickly that it is very, very adult. And look, it's not that we have a problem with swearing, but you know how teenage boys sound when they swear because they're trying to impress you? Yeah. That's what the entire movie sounded like. Not hilarious adult humor, just some teenager who never leaves his room trying to write "edgy" jokes.
12 It's Not Even Funny
And speaking of jokes, Sausage Party is full of them...the problem is that they aren't good. They either fall deafeningly flat or are so horrific it takes you several moments to recover. This isn't even to mention how outdated the humor is. Much of the movie feels like someone reached into 1994, pulled out Seth Rogen, told him to write a movie about sentient food, and the result was Sausage Party. It's that bad. The jokes may have been funny twenty years ago but certainly aren't today. Many of the jokes go for shock value, trying so hard to be edgy that you can't help but roll your eyes. Mostly, though, the humor heavily relies on offensive stereotypes, which are not only unfunny, they're distractingly awful. "Did they really do that?" you might ask. Yes. Yes they did do that. When are comedians like Rogen going to realize that there are other funny things in the world? Probably never, but we can dream.
11 The Plot
Believe it or not, this movie does have a plot. A dumb one, but a plot nonetheless. The movie opens with food in Shopwell's grocery store getting ready for the Fourth of July; a day when many of them will be chosen by the "gods" (humans) and taken to The Great Beyond. Our protagonist, Frank, is mostly excited for The Great Beyond because it means he can have sex with his girlfriend, a hotdog bun named Brenda. Their happiness is briefly shattered when a jar of honey mustard is returned to the store, and he tells the other food products that The Great Beyond is a lie; the gods are monsters who eat food.
Frank's package of hotdogs and Brenda's package of buns are selected by a shopper and everyone in the cart begins to celebrate--except for the honey mustard, who jumps off of the cart and pulls Frank and Brenda with him. Now stuck in the store while their friends are headed to The Great Beyond, Frank and Brenda go on a journey to find the meaning of it all.
And trust us, it only gets stupider.
10 It Had A Terrible Message
Every movie--especially every animated movie--has a message. Sometimes the message is subtle, and sometimes it's a little more obvious. The message of Sausage Party is not only obvious, but it gets shoved down your throat at every possible opportunity. It isn't hard to figure out that the "gods" are a metaphor for the Judeo-Christian God, and that Frank has trouble believing in something for which he has no empirical evidence. Similarly, Brenda's fear that "touching tips" with Frank has made her impure and she is now being punished by the gods echoes the sentiments of girls who feel that they are supposed to remain virgins until marriage. Brenda and Teresa the Taco both feel attraction to food of the feminine persuasion, but they do not pursue those feelings because they feel that it goes against the gods, just as many Christians believe LGBT people go against the will of God.
It would actually be kind of cool to talk about religion from an unconventional perspective and if the issue was discussed fairly, but that isn't really what happens here. Instead of acknowledging that a person's beliefs, whatever they are, are totally valid, the movie mocks religious people and makes it seem like it's so obvious that there is no divine entity. Sure, Seth Rogen is entitled to his opinion and beliefs (or lack thereof), but it's kind of crass to shame people and make them look stupid for believing in a higher power.
9 There Was No Logic
Not that we expected an animated movie about religious food to have much logic, but the world of Sausage Party makes absolutely zero sense. For instance, is all food everywhere this sentient? If so, why hasn't the food of the world fought back before now?
Which brings us to another question: do humans register that food moves? We get that humans don't understand that food is sentient until they take bath salts (which is some Grade A BS, but we'll get to that later), but the scene in the woman's kitchen shows Barry and Carl trying to jump out a window. The woman slices Carl in half but doesn't appear to be shocked that her hotdogs are standing upright at her window sill when she left the hotdogs on the kitchen counter.
Does the food remember being made? What is their life span? Perishable items don't usually have a very long shelf life, so wouldn't one day for them be like ten years for us? How do Frank and Brenda know each other well enough to become a monogamous couple? Wouldn't they only have been on the shelf for a day or two prior to the movie at most? Why do they have first and last names? Furthermore, why do douches and toilet paper, which are not food products, have the ability to interact with food? Why are only select items allowed to talk?
And again, sure, it's an animated movie about food having sex, but if Pixar can rationalize talking toys, Sony can do at least that much for food.
8 This Is Only Funny to Seth Rogen
Okay, maybe that's unkind. This is only funny to Seth Rogen and James Franco.
But seriously, this movie feels like a dumb inside joke between a few friends that somehow, horrifically, got a ton of funding and was sent to the big screen. And sure, it was probably hilarious when Seth Rogen and James Franco and whoever else was unfortunate to e there were on bath salts and joking around. We don't hold that against them--an inside joke is an inside joke. But when that inside joke becomes a multimillion dollar project, well, we're gonna hold that against them. Rogen is a great example of what it looks like when you have too much power; he's like the pothead in your class who was given a huge budget for being his mediocre self and now he's making mind-blowingly stupid decisions. Great for him and everything, but why does it have to be him? Why not someone who's actually, you know, funny?
7 The Audience
Possibly the most uncomfortable part of the movie (and there were a lot of uncomfortable parts) was watching it with other people in the room. Sausage Party is the kind of thing that should be watched alone at 3am when you've hit a low point. Okay, I mean, it's the kind of thing that should never be watched ever, but if you absolutely must do it, alone at 3am is the time to do it. Sitting in a dark room full of strangers while you watch food have sex is a bizarre form of torture. You may hear a few chuckles from the audience in the beginning, but gradually the chuckles fade away until everyone is sitting in the theater in complete and abject horror, wondering what they got themselves into and whether or not they can safely make their escape.
If you must go, go with friends, because the only thing worse than seeing this movie is seeing this movie in public by yourself.
6 James Franco
As soon as we heard Seth Rogen was coming out with a movie, we all knew James Franco was going to be involved. The two men have been friends since the good ol' days of Freaks and Geeks and have done a lot of work together. Obviously Seth Rogen's animated comedy about food was going to involve the other, weirder man.
Franco voices a character called "The Druggie." Barry the hotdog jumps on the Druggie's car and thus transports himself to the Druggie's house. The Druggie takes bath salts and, because of his drug-induced state, is now able to recognize the sentience of the food, something he was not able to do previously. After the food gangs up on him in a moment reminiscent of Toy Story, he promises he won't ever eat food again. He falls asleep, and upon waking up has no recollection of his drug-induced state or the promise he made to take Barry to Shopwell's. He tries to eat Barry and meets a violent end instead. It's a really stupid setup for the food versus human battle that takes place a few hours later. And speaking of...
5 The Bath Salt Battle
We're hesitant to call this moment the film's climax, or even the most action-packed moment in the movie. It's definitely...something.
After discovering a cook book, Frank gets on the store's security cameras to tell all the food in the store that the gods are monsters and there is no Great Beyond. No one believes him. He starts to lose hope, but Barry arrives with his new band of friends and declares that humans can understand food when they take bath salts. After shooting bath salt-laden toothpicks at the humans, the humans at Shopwell's are able to understand the food. Horrified when they realize that humans are not gods but are, in fact, going to eat them, the food locks the humans in the store and attacks them in a bid to stay alive and uneaten. It's supposed to be a wacky and hilarious moment, but the whole thing falls flat. It's even worse when Douche decides to take matters--and Darren--into his own hands.
4 There Was No Point
After the Bath Salt Battle, you'd expect the movie to have some kind of resolution. But there isn't one. And not even in a watered down, cartoony sort of way; there is absolutely no resolution, no takeaway from the hour and a half you were forced to endure Seth Rogen's potato-y voice. The characters say "screw it" and then proceed to do just that. After a gratuitous orgy (which we'll get into later), the council of immortal (non-perishable) foods plus the gum version of Stephen Hawking (yeah...) build a machine to help the food enter another dimension where they can meet their voice actor counterparts. It's just dumb. There's no takeaway, not even a stupid one. The movie is literally just screwing around and wondering what would happen if food had religion. Which would be fine if the first three quarters of the movie didn't push so hard for a message. After all the talk about religion and all the existentialist crises, there's no resolution. It's not funny, it's not cool, it's just lazy.
3 It Is Super Offensive
Granted, we went into this movie expecting Rogen to fall back on offensive humor that tries to be edgy, but there was a lot. Like, a lot. From the opening song when the sauerkraut talks about exterminating the juice, this movie only continues to let you know that Rogen's sense of humor hasn't evolved one jot. All non-American food is portrayed in an extremely racist way, especially Khareem Abdul Lavash, who believes that in The Great Beyond he will be rewarded with 77 virgin olive oils. Yeah.
When the movie isn't being racist, it's offending almost everyone else. All the fruits are gay, the Twinkie is gay, Bill Hader puts on a horrifically bad Native American accent when portraying Spirit Water alcohol, and Craig Robinson voices a cranky old black man in the form of...grits.
This isn't even to mention the seemingly paralyzed gum, who rides a wheelchair and uses a voice machine just like Stephen Hawking; or the Douche who has two incredibly rape-like moments with a juice box and Darren the store manager.
2 The Food Orgy
How do we even explain the food orgy?
It's so much all at once. With seemingly no lead-up whatsoever, Frank and Brenda start having sex...in the middle of the grocery store. In front of their friends. "Hungry Eyes" plays as they finally consummate their love, and the sight turns on Sammy and Lavash so much that they start having sex. At first it's just the five friends having sex with each other, which is still a lot, but suddenly the rest of the store joins in. The movie jumps from one sight to another, blasting music and sex noises while food does every imaginable (and sometimes unimaginable) thing to other food. It's a terrifying assault on the senses. You feel, somehow, in your gut, that the entire movie has been leading up to this moment, that the whole reason this film was made was so that this very scene could take place. Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
1 The WTF Ending
Unfortunately, there is more to the movie after the orgy. After basking in the afterglow, the main characters reunite to see the machine invented by Spirit Water, Mr. Grits, Twinkie, and Gum. It's never fully explained why or how this machine was built. The general idea is that the food products have human counterparts in another dimension; these human counterparts are, of course, their voice actors. After a terrible joke made by Sammy about how Edward Norton is a terrible name, the food steps one at a time through the machine.
And that's...it. There's no reason for it, no "here's what we learned through our wacky adventure", no "by the way here's what's probably gonna happen to us now since we're food with a limited shelf life". It just ends in the laziest way possible.
The moral of the story is that Sausage Party is a terrible movie, so save your time and money and go see literally any other movie instead.