The single best thing about video games is the fact that you can do things you'd never even dream of doing in real life. I'm sure somewhere there is a Sit On Your Arse, Getting Fatter and Being a General Disappointment Simulator, but that isn't why we play them.
We play them as a form of escapism. We play them to keep ourselves entertained, frustrated and alert all at the same time. What has always fascinated me in games is the never ending list of ludicrously powerful weapons you have at your disposal to wield and cause absolute havoc with.
They range from the relatively realistic to the outright unbelievable. One minute you can be using a poisoned dart to turn foes in allies and the next you can be sat in the comfort of an armchair, blasting the life out of enemies with two attached mini-guns. These are the 15 weapons game designers had a great time with, knowing you would too...
15 Protec Grappler G3 - Just Cause 3
Half mode of transportation, half weapon of mass enjoyment, the grappling hook in Just Cause 3 turns the dictatorship of Medici into a playground of explosive proportions. Upgraded from Just Cause 2, the G3 allows you to attach three items together.
14 Beserker Darts - Assassins Creed Series
I know what you're thinking; How in fresh hell did these make the list? They're not mental or mildly crazy. The main reason these make the list is because of their effects. What is better than having someone do your dirty work, killing your enemy? Having your enemy going into an unstable state, and killing his friends, before breaking down from the inside out and leaving this mortal coil, that's what.
13 Drill - Bioshock 2
Remember the first time you played Bioshock and a Big Daddy would come running at you, plunging that horrific industrial sized drill into your torso? It spurred a need to be that destructive and Bioshock 2 let you wield that power! There was something weirdly satisfying about driving a giant drill, that was essentially one of your limbs into a splicer's chest (in a weird, serial killer kind of way).
12 Banana - Mario Kart
Let's face it, a banana is a slapstick weapon at best. Another undeserving weapon that isn't even a weapon. Well, if you're playing Mario Kart and you're in front of everyone else, 99% of the weapons are useless to you. They all fly forward, knocking out the people who are better than you at the game. What if you're the best of the best? What if you're leading the pack but one pesky pain in the backside won't get off your scent? That's when these slippery smilers come into effect.
11 Fat Man - Fallout 3, 4 & New Vegas
In games there's always a worry that you haven't quite killed the enemy. You can empty an entire magazine of bullets from some poxy minigun and there's still a chance of survival. So why not ensure that nothing survives? And I'm not just talking about the enemy you're aiming at, that includes all plant and animal life in a 2 mile radius.
10 EXPcalibur - Dying Light
Dying Light isn't renowned for its extensive choice of madcap weaponry. However, there is a legend that a sword was forged that, in the hands of the right free runner, would turn the zombie world upside down. And from this EXPcalibur was born. EXPcalibur is a "secret" weapon, made not so secret by the internet. Finding EXPcalibur takes a lot of swimming and a lot of consistent button holding in a sword in the stone situation.
9 The Dude - Sunset Overdrive
One of the best things about Xbox One exclusive Sunset Overdrive is the absolutely ludicrous nature of the weapons. Stuffed bears filled with TNT and flaming vinyl records are just some of the weapons on offer to wreak havoc upon Sunset City's newest residents. One weapon, however trumps them all and that is The Dude.
8 Drill Bucket - Dead Rising 2
In the first Dead Rising there was nothing more enjoyable than placing giant Lego style heads onto zombies in a shopping mall before pinging golf balls off the big yellow targets. Despite it being a lot of fun it doesn't really count as a "weapon." So Dead Rising upped their game and introduced the drill bucket.
7 Penetrator - Bulletstorm
If you haven't played Bulletstorm, imagine Gears Of War on LSD and steroids and you're not far off. You can always expect brilliant things from a game when you get extra points for shooting enemies in the genitals. What's that? Nut shots don't do it for you? Well then you need the Penetrator (there's a bit of theme here isn't there!?).
6 Armchair-A-Geddon - Saints Row: Gat Out Of Hell
Saints Row had to get on this list somewhere. When you think about insane weapons, Saints Row pretty much wrote the book. From The Penetrator (not to be mistaken with the previous entry) which is the larger than life purple dildo on a stick to the world famous Dubstep Gun that fires monstrous beats and takes over the bodily functions of anyone it's aimed at... There's something for everyone.
5 Big Foam Hand Cannon - Dead Space 2
Making it through galactic fright-fest Dead Space 2 on normal mode is difficult enough (without a change of underwear at least). Completing the game on hardcore mode, however, is a very different matter. If you make complete this incredible feat, you deserve something of unspeakable value. So the Dead Space 2 devs decided to reward you with an amazingly powerful giant foam finger.
4 The Gold Glove Of Doom - Ratchet & Clank
We all like having little companions in a game. FarCry Primal's new animal system is incredible, especially when you have a bear as a bodyguard and knowing there's a Super Mutant that has your back in Fallout 4 makes life a little easier. None of these companions compare to the little explosive robots that are fired out by the maxed out Gold Glove Of Doom in Ratchet & Clank.
3 Cerebral Bore - Turok 2: Seeds Of Evil
Homing launchers have always been brilliant pieces of weaponry in games. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that once I've sent that rocket propelled grenade off out into the big wide world, it will definitely find its target. However, there's a chance they could survive the blast in some action film style flip. Not with Turok's Cerebral Bore.
2 Mr. Toots - Red Faction Armageddon
I tried my hardest not to include this weapon in this list, I really did. It is the popular kid that everyone wants to talk about - and with good reason. Mr Toots is a unicorn. No, this isn't some kind of twisted joke. From "a land of magic and wonder" comes a unicorn that fires deadly yet sparkly rays out of its jacksie.
1 The Bane - Borderlands 2
The list finishes off with a sub-machine gun. That's right. We've had chairs that could end world wars and rainbow-sh*tting unicorns and we depart company on a sub-machine gun. The Bane is a paradox in itself, in that you will want to use this gun because of its power and fire rate. However this gun has a life of its own.
If you even dream of trading it in or out, you will be greeted with "SWAPPIN' WEAPONS!" and the noise it makes when it fires is only described by the Borderlands subtitles as "annoying sound." I don't know why, and I hate myself for it, but I used this gun more than regularly, just so I could giggle like a child at the sheer ridiculousness of it.
Well, what do you think? I haven't played every game ever made, so I may have missed something off the list! What did I miss?
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