Though practically unheard of 10 years ago, Facebook has become an essential part of people’s lives. Almost everyone has an account, and most of those people check it daily. Initially meant for college students, everyone from your 12-year-old cousin to your grandma’s best friend has an account. The Facebook messenger app has become synonymous with texting, and because of the abilities to send gifs and creepy emoticons, a lot of people actually prefer the Facebook messenger app to texting. Most apps and websites even ask if you want to use your Facebook login information; it’s that ingrained in our lives. And with good reason. You can put up photos, tag your friends so that they can see that one awesome candid shot, check-in to let people know where you are so that they can be totally envious, and choose a feeling for your status updates. Facebook has transcended social media and supplanted the need for actively communicating with the outside world; instead of calling your friends to see how they’re spending their summer, you can check Facebook and just know. But it’s not just for looking in on your friends. Interested in that cute coworker? Facebook will let you know their orientation and their relationship status, helping you avoid any embarrassment.
While there are a lot of great things about Facebook, there are also a lot of not-so-great things. Mainly, the people on your feed. Facebook’s accessibility means that anyone and everyone has an account, and they all want to be your friend. No one really wants to accept their gross coworker’s request, but declining it can create a social faux pas. The hide option was created for such an event, but unfortunately even Facebook can’t filter out everything. The people you don’t like, and sometimes even the people you do, will inevitably show up on your feed at some point. Here is a comprehensive list of 15 of those people whose posts you don’t want to see.
15. The Conservative Christian Aunt
We all have one. She’s the aunt who won’t let her kids watch Iron Man because it’s violent and who posts pictures of crosses silhouetted against sunsets with a grammatically incorrect caption. Most of her posts look as if they were written by a determined eight-year-old. Occasionally she will leave a comment on your status to remind you that she “knows you are better than this” and you “weren’t raised this way.” You will inevitably get in an online fight with Conservative Christian Aunt and she will call your mom to tell her all about it. It’s best to try to ignore her, even if she’s family, and deal with the fallout only during the holidays and family reunions.
14. The Crowdfunding Classmate
The Crowdfunding Classmate can take shape in many forms; this is usually someone you’re not super close to and are only friends with because you don’t have a solid reason to unfriend them yet. They are always going to Coachella and/or backpacking across Europe and they are always in need of money to do it. You’re not sure if they actually have a day job or if they’re just constantly going to music festivals, and you’re also not sure if anyone actually donates to their GoFundMe account. Their tagged photos make it look like they’re having a great time, and maybe you’re a little jealous, but that jealousy fades away as soon as you see another “Send Kayden to France” post.
13. The Unoriginal Friend
This is the person who never, ever posts original content. Their entire page is full of reposts or shared posts, but no status updates or uploaded photos to let you know it isn’t just a robot. They usually share these posts 500 times a day, leading you to wonder what exactly they do with their life that allows them to spend this much time on Facebook, especially since nothing they ever repost is even remotely interesting. Sometimes their posts make you laugh, but more often than not it just clutters your newsfeed. The worst is when they share religiously from the “Best of Tumblr” page, prompting you to wonder why they don’t just get a tumblr and leave you alone.
12. The Malcontent
Not only does this person seem to dislike everything, but they feel the need to constantly tell people. A new video game comes out? They didn’t care for it. The promising summer blockbuster? They think it felt contrived. The Netflix series everyone’s been raving about? They thought it was overrated. It’s well and good to have opinions, and obviously not everyone is going to like everything, but their constant complaining is exhausting. Maybe they’re doing it to seem smart and maybe they’re just a depressing person to be around; either way, they’re exhausting to put up with and there’s a reason you don’t hang out a whole lot. Plus, they have a really bad tendency to be a walking, talking spoiler.
11. The Bernie Bro
Come on, we all know this person. They never cared about politics until this election. They think Trump and Hillary are equally evil and don’t appear to understand the electoral college. They constantly share graphs and polls that have no basis in fact and hashtag EVERYTHING with #FeeltheBern, including posts that have nothing to do with politics. Even though Bernie has voiced his support for Hillary, this person has every intention of writing Bernie in. You’re too afraid to post anything political because you know they’re going to add their unwanted two cents and find a way to relate it to Bernie Sanders. It is because of this person alone that you are eager for this election to be over.
10. The Drama Mama
This is someone you would have unfriended a long time ago if you had the opportunity. There always seems to be some kind of drama in their life, but you can never tell what it is because they’re so vague about it. Was it a backstabbing friend? A cheating boyfriend? It could be anything, but you’ll be darned if you can figure it out. Their relationship status changes constantly, though it usually lingers on “it’s complicated.” They share a lot of posts about removing negativity from their life, and it gets to a point where “removing negativity” seems like their default setting. This person also likes to take a ton of would-be artsy selfies, usually with captions like “I woke up like dis” and “darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.” The worst is when they take a screenshot of a fake text conversation just to show the world how beleaguered they are. Be quiet, Tracie.
9. The Fitness Freak
It’s all well and good to work out. You want to be healthy and happy, and if you’ve made progress, of course you want to show it off! But there’s a difference between posting the occasional workout selfie and catching your every pose in the mirror. Fitness Freak not only takes constant pictures, but they post weekly updates about their progress. How much weight they’ve lost, how much muscle they’ve built, how much they can bench press. It makes you look at your own body and ask yourself, “Bro, do you even lift?”
This has become Fitness Freak’s entire life. By now, you’ve seen every piece of their workout wardrobe and you know most of their daily routines. Hell, you even know their leg day. And yeah, sure, they look great, but you barely recognize them anymore. More power to Fitness Freak, but this is one friend you’d prefer not to keep up with.
8. The Instagram Model
This person models constantly. Not professionally (at least, you don’t think so), but everything they post is ridiculously gorgeous. Most of these are artsy selfies with black and white filters, though occasionally they’ll have a friend or significant other take these photos. At least, you think it’s a friend or significant other. Maybe this person is an actual model and you never realized it. Or they just have really, really long arms… They seem to spend all their time in fitting rooms or by a body of water. You wonder how they manage to have a day job when they seem to spend all their time shopping or posing by a lake. You didn’t even know there was a lake nearby. Nobody can look this good all of the time and yet this person sure is trying.
7. The Armchair Activist
There is nothing wrong with being an activist, and in the wake of so much violence in our country, it’s awesome that people are making an effort to talk about the issues. Armchair Activist is definitely one those people talking about the issues–except, they never seem to stop talking about the issues. This person is perfectly reasonable; you may even agree with a lot of the things they’re saying. That doesn’t make it less annoying when they get on their hourly soapbox. Everything from the Eagles game to Pokemon Go has become a metaphor for “the bigger issue”. They have opinions on EVERYTHING and almost always find a way to relate them to the BLM movement or the electoral college. We get it, Bro. But do you have to be like that ALL the time?
6. The Overly Affectionate Couple
Couples like this one make you want to remain firmly single. Like, really, really single. Forever. They always seem to be together, to the point where you wonder if they have any other friends. They post pictures of themselves kissing constantly, or would-be candid photos captioned “I’m so lucky!” If you’re unfortunate enough to be long-term friends with them, you have to watch the engagement announcement, the wedding photos, and the constant updates about their baby. As a friend, you feel morally obligated to like these posts and send them congratulations, but inwardly you’re groaning. Part of you hopes they break up just so that you don’t have to watch them swapping spit anymore. It really is that bad.
5. The Ghost
This is someone whose presence is so faint you forget you’re even Facebook friends. You’re probably not even friends in real life anymore, but you haven’t bothered to unfriend them because you forget they’re there. This person never posts anything- they’ve had the same profile picture for five years and there’s no information on their “About Me” section. They have maybe three photos. Once in a blue moon they’ll be tagged in something or they’ll actually make a post and show up on your feed and you’ll remember they exist. You mean to unfriend them, you really do, but something comes up and you forget until the next time they drift onto your feed. By that point you may have even forgotten who they are and simply wonder why a stranger is showing up on your feed.
4. The Bragger
This person can manifest in a number of ways. Maybe they have a job or a kid who they won’t shut up about it. Maybe it’s a dog or a boyfriend, or an extension of the Overly Affectionate Couple. They brag about it constantly, posting frequent status updates and pictures. The key is that the object of their attention is mediocre as hell. Their job looks lame, their kid looks dumb, their dog looks boring, and their boyfriend looks ugly. The Bragger is a very self-conscious person who requires validation. Maybe they hate their job or they aren’t ready to be a parent. Maybe the dog was kind of forced on them or the boyfriend is an ass. You feel bad for them, but not enough to stop rolling your eyes whenever they make a new post.
3. The Inviter
The Inviter usually manifests in one of two ways; either they send you a ton of invitations to apps and games, or they invite you to a lot of random events. You have zero interest in any of these things, but no matter how many times you reject them, the invites keep rolling in. They don’t seem to understand that you’re never going to play Alien Attack 5 or that you don’t want to listen to their brother’s lame band perform at an even lamer bar. It’s getting to the point where even if whatever they invite you to seems kind of interesting, you refuse just on principal. And unfortunately, hiding them from your feed doesn’t do any good, because they still invite you to everything. You have a strong feeling that this person would have poked you a lot if you had been friends when poking was still in vogue.
2. The Bland Poster
This person treats status updates as emotionless diary entries. They have nothing of real interest to say; instead, they seem to just record whatever thoughts cross their mind, no matter how uninteresting. “Need to go to the store today. Thinking of making a smoothie.” “Watching Frasier. Roz is my favorite.” “At the Bears game with mom and brother.” There isn’t even a photo or check-in to spice things up. It feels like they’ve missed the “social” part of social media. Like maybe they don’t understand nobody wants to know how mundane their life is- don’t they get all of our lives are mundane, too?
1. The Idiot
The title may sound mean, but there’s really no other way to say it. This person has a comprehension level far below what it should be, and their statuses make you pause to wonder if they’re joking or if they’re seriously that stupid. Questions like “Can’t astronauts just visit the sun when it’s nighttime?” Or “If Australia is 15 hours ahead of us, why didn’t they tell us about 9/11??” are not uncommon. Don’t put it past this person to call in sick and then post pictures of themselves at the beach. Yup- they really are that dumb. And guess what? They’re your Facebook friend!
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