We all love a good pizza. In fact, it would be hard for most of us to name anything we like more than pizza. Sure, we all have our passions, but our passions tend to destroy us, while pizza just fills our bodies with heaven’s hot glow.
The best thing about pizza, besides the pizza? More often than not it just shows up, magically, right at your doorstep. This in itself is a miracle on Earth, and it’s all thanks to the faithful comrades who brave all assortments of evil so we can have that privilege.
We know little about the life of a pizza delivery man. These mysterious others travel at all hours of the day and night, through all settings and climates. The pizza man is a silent mass of flesh in his car, thinking only about the cargo he carries and the hungry mouths who depend on him.
The pizza delivery man lore is kept tightly within the subculture of the pizza delivery man. Only they can understand each other’s trials. Fortunately for us, a few folk tales have emerged from the ether, anonymous tellings from pizza delivery guys old and young.
Read with care, and let this article be a lesson to you: the pizza guy deserves a nice tip.
15. A Poor, Angry Soul
This story is proof positive that it takes all assortments of human beings to form a society. A driver was backing out of an apartment complex, heading back to the store after a delivery. He hits the breaks as he sees a car on its way that he didn’t initially notice when he first checked to see if the road was clear. He stopped well within the driveway, but the driver of the oncoming car stopped right behind him, raging obscenities at the delivery man, who flipped him the bird and motioned for him to get out of the way. Eventually the delivery man maneuvered himself around the car, only to have the poor idiot follow him on his way back to the restaurant.
When he got there, he spoke to the store’s manager to issue a complaint. Apparently this lost soul had children in the car, and he felt that his family’s life was endangered by a car who was carefully backing up out of a driveway 150 feet away from him.
The manager ended up telling the man to f*** off.
14. That Escalated Quickly
A Southern fellow was delivering pizzas in south. His car of choice was a 4×4, equipped with a shotgun rack on the back, which itself was equipped with shotguns. There’s an old storytelling rule stating that when a gun is introduced in a story, it must be fired before the stories end.
Well, our Southerner was on his way to deliver a pizza to a lady’s house. As he approaches the door, he can hear loud barking coming from behind it. He rings the doorbell and the barking gets louder and more aggressive until the lady tells the dog to shut up. She takes the pizza from the delivery guy who says, “That’ll be 10 dollars, ma’am.” She replies, “I don’t think so,” as the dog comes up from behind her, growling menacingly at the Southerner. He starts backing up to his truck when the lady unleashes the dog, who runs manically toward our hero. The Southerner grabs the shotgun out of the back and shoots the dog right there on the lawn.
When the cops arrived later, they declared it an open-and-shut case of self defence.
13. A Secret Exchange
They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Sometimes, though, you don’t have to go as far as scorning a woman to set yourself up with your own personal hell; you just have to order a pizza.
A pizza delivery guy was going about his business, delivering pizzas, like most pizza delivery guys do. He gets to this one house and sees a man hiding in the bushes. He whispers gently, telling the man to place the pizza near the garbage can outside, and to do it quietly. He then motioned for the driver to come over to the bushes so he can take care of the bill.
As the story goes, the man didn’t want his wife to know that he had ordered pizza. He would go on to become a regular customer of the restaurant, and would accept the delivery in the exact same manner, every single time.
12. Pizza For A Ghost?
A driver was delivering pizza to a rich neighbourhood. He pulled up to the house, drove down a lavish, impossibly long driveway and arrived at the door, where he noticed an envelope with nothing written on it except “Domino’s” on one side, and “leave on doorstep” on the other. When the driver looked inside the envelope, he found the money to cover the pizzas, with an additional $10 tip. He looked around slightly confused, but put the pizza on the doorstep and the money in his pocket.
All’s well that ends well, right? Deliver a bit of pizza, make a bit of money, everyone’s happy. Well, as the driver walked back to his car, he turned around to look at the house and, of course, the pizzas were no longer there. He had his back turned for less than five seconds, and he didn’t hear a sound.
What did we learn? Apparently that ghosts eat pizza, just like we do.
11. Real Bad Luck
This particular delivery guy, a decent man from what we can tell, had the unfortunate luck of knocking on the wrong door. He arrived at the apartment complex, found the appropriate apartment number, and knocked on the door. A light was on inside, and he could see someone moving around. He knocked and knocked but the person didn’t answer the door.
When he went back to his car, he realized that he had the right apartment number, but the wrong building. Duh-doy. He makes his way over to the appropriate building and successfully accomplishes the delivery. As he gets back to his car, he is ambushed by a faction of police cars.
As it turns out, the woman from the first door he knocked on was attacked by the town’s serial sex offender the night before. It was way too soon for her to hear prolonged, unexpected knocking on her door, so she called the cops on the delivery guy, who was extremely remorseful.
10. Pizza Boyfriend?
A Papa John’s delivery man was delivering Papa John’s famous pie in a sort of a sketchy neighbourhood of Chicago. This was his first week working as a delivery guy, so he was learning as he went.
He arrived at a woman’s house, who asked him if he could be so kind as to come in and set the pizza on the table. On his toes, the delivery man politely informed the customer that entering houses was firmly against company policy (he was wary of mystery shoppers, not looking to be demerited so early into his pizza delivery game).
The woman then confessed that the reason she asked was because her boyfriend had recently beat her, badly. She had just gotten out of the hospital, and didn’t have the arm strength to carry the pizza. Yikes. There was a man standing behind the woman who may or may not have been the boyfriend. He was just staring creepily at the delivery man. Another woman appeared out of the blue, grabbed the pizza from the delivery guy’s hands and gave him a tip.
9. All Dressed With Drugs
Sometimes you wake up in the morning thinking about all the pizzas you’re destined to deliver. It would never occur to you that you would be used as an accessory to a drug bust, but sometimes, that’s what destiny has in store for you.
At least, that’s what it had in store for this one Domino’s delivery guy in Agawam, Massachusetts. He was delivering pizza to a hotel one day. When he got to the door, he noticed two men standing outside the room, who turned out to be undercover police officers about to do a drug bust. They knocked on the door and had the delivery man stand in plain sight while they waited unseen on both sides of him. When the customers answered the door, the cop flashed his badge, thus officializing the bust. Before they went about their business, they got the culprits to pay the delivery dude so he can get out of there. No tip, but his customers probably ended up worse off than the driver.
8. Braving The Storm For Nothing
A Domino’s in north central Missouri opted to stay open during a string of horrific storms and tornadoes. Business as usual, but it was bound to result in a string of unusual shifts for their delivery guys.
In this case, the driver was delivering a pizza to a customer 10 miles out of town. The weather grew progressively worse throughout the drive; it started with a heavy downpour, which lead to a heavy hailfall. The sheer volume of hail was enough to strain the driver’s windshield wipers until they totally broke. He was forced to call in a reinforcement driver, who by sheer pizza delivery guy honour picked him up from the side of the road and kept the mission going. Only now, of course, wild tornadoes started to appear in the distance.
They arrived at the house relatively unfazed, only to realize that the customers totally stiffed them because their pizza was late. The brave pizza soldiers fought their way through the storm for absolutely nothing.
7. A Perilous Path
The good delivery people out there are truly dedicated to bringing their customers their pizza, come rain, sleet, snow or bee stings.
And oh, did bee stings ever come down on one Domino’s Pizza assistant manager, who opted to go on a delivery run to help quell the suppertime rush. When he reached the house, there was a narrow path he had to cross to get to the door. He walked past a shrub in front of the walkway, not even touching it, when suddenly he heard a high-pitched buzzing noise and felt as though the back of his neck caught fire. For the sake of pizza, he resolutely walked over to the door, trying his best not to betray the incredible pain to the customers.
When he got back to the restaurant, he found a stinger belonging to a bee or wasp on the back of his neck. There were a total of five legitimate stings in that area. The assistant manager bore the pain with a pizza man’s stoic honour.
6. Delivery For A Witch?
The later the hour, the better the chances of strange folks ordering pizza. That’s exactly what happened when this one delivery dude was working the late shift. The restaurant was about to close when a call came in, complete silence on the other end of the line. Our hero hangs up, and the phone rings a minute later, still totally silent. Before he hangs up again, he hears an old lady order a regular pie for delivery.
When he got to the house, the lights were off. He rang the door but there was no answer. He was just about to walk away when he noticed the curtains move and saw a shady silhouette standing by the window. When he moved closer he saw that it was an elderly lady in her 70s. He told her he had her pizza, and she smiled a toothy, rotten, bone-curling smile. The delivery man promptly walked back to the car and texted his boss saying he couldn’t go through with this one. When he looked up, the woman was standing outside his passenger window, giving him the same creepy smile. He floored it out of there, and vowed never to make a late night delivery again.
5. What A Creeper
A pizza delivery man must always be on his guard when on a mission. Pizza is singularly great, but no pie is worth losing yourself over.
This one pizza delivery dude, still in high school, was on his way to a customer’s house right as the sun was beginning to set. It turned out to be an extremely old house made entirely of wood, surrounded by forest. There was no doorknob, so our hero knocked loudly and yelled to the customer inside that he’s there and he brought some pizza. He heard a low voice say from behind the door, “Bring it to the back of the house.”
He comes around the back and sees a figure sitting on a chair with his back behind him, not moving at all, staring off into the distance. Then a whisper comes from behind the back door, “Psst, hey over here. Come here, I want to show you something.”
The pizza delivery man bolted out of there, like any rational pizza delivery man would.
One of the greatest pains in life is losing a beloved pet. In those hard times, sometimes the only thing you want in life is a hot pizza, a band-aid for the soul.
This particular pizza comrade was delivering to a family whose dog had just died. When he pulled up the house, he saw the woman lying down on the driveway looking at the sky, screaming and crying like someone who just lost a great friend.
She composes herself enough to accept the pizza and pay for the order. When they opened the box, they noticed the restaurant totally messed up their order. The woman started crying again, and the husband had to come out to take care of her.
In trying times when we need a certain pizza, and we don’t get that pizza, it can feel like the world around us is melting. In these times, it’s important to remember that all dogs go to heaven, and that any pizza is good pizza.
3. Not Funny, Dude
The only heroine in this listicle, a pizza delivery girl was delivering a big order to a party full of dudes. She was met with some difficulty as soon as she got to the building, having to haul 10 pizzas up three flights of stairs.
That proved not to be the last of her worries in this particular order. When the caller opens the door, she notices that there are around 15 men in the apartment. The customer says she should come in and put the pizzas down on the table. Normally she would decline, but in this case the table was right near the door, and she wouldn’t have been able to accept the cash with three pizza bags hanging onto her arm.
She takes one step toward the table and hears the door slam behind her. The customer locks the door and says, “We got one.” He was joking and opened the door for her right after, but he unknowingly successfully conducted the single most terrifying experience of that poor pizza heroine’s life.
2. He Should Not Have Taken This Call
This last story is void of mystery and suspense. It’s just a sad telling of a good pizza delivery guy who got completely screwed over. He went on a call in a bad neighbourhood in Chicago and was jumped by six to seven guys. They beat the crap out of him, stole the pizzas, his money and his phone, walked away, came back to beat him up some more and steal his car keys and car.
This beating resulted in a broken wrist and arm, multiple contusions in the head, bruises throughout the body, about $3,000 worth of hospital bills and nearly the loss of an eye. The bastards who beat him up were minors, so they got away with probation.
To those bastards: why would you beat up a pizza delivery guy? Why would you beat up anyone? Why don’t you just buy your pizza like everyone else and just chill?
1. You A Cop, Bro?
Being followed around by strangers sucks, and pizza delivery guys, being on the road more often than the average person, probably know more about being followed around than most of us do.
A driver was on his way back from the first house of his delivery route, gearing to bring some nice pizza goodness over to the second house. A Chevrolet Blazer was in one of the forward lanes, and our delivery man pulled up next to him. The delivery guy cleared the green light first, so the blazer was behind him, tailgating him all the way as our faithful pizza soldier rode 25 miles over the speed limit to his destination.
When he pulled up in the parking lot of the apartment complex, he saw that the man followed him all the way there. He gave the pizza guy crap for going so fast (even though he was travelling at the exact same speed), and left. A strange occurrence for most people, but that’s just another day in the life of a pizza delivery man.
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