In 10th grade, a unit in my chemistry class was called “chemistry in the kitchen.” Unlike all the boring, math-heavy chemistry we had done until then, this module taught us, for instance, that the citric acid in lemon juice will keep a fruit salad fresh. One experiment we did was to try and consume a piece of chocolate with all five senses. “Food is not just enjoyed with the mouth”, our professor said to us. “Listen to the piece break off. Remember that chocolate doesn’t just taste good, it feels good in your mouth.”
Kissing, in my opinion, is a similar experience. A kiss itself can feel good against your lips, but if it tastes like Indian food, the gig is kind of up. If the person’s breath smells like the inside of an unearthed coffin, the mood gets totally killed (no pun intended).
Of the following celebrities, only one is a bad kisser. As for the rest of them, we have no data on their skills. But we do have oral reports about the circumstances surrounding the kiss. Some of them have rancid breath, others offensive personal hygiene. It doesn’t come across on screen, them seeming poised and picture-perfect, but peek behind the curtain for a few minutes and find the 15 celebrities whose kiss you probably shouldn’t accept.
15. Victoria Beckham
We figured we’d kick things off with the celebrity who was allegedly just a bad kisser: David Beckham‘s wife, former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham. According to late teen heartthrob Corey Haim, Posh was not a good kisser. He said that while she kisses “she does this little grr gnaw thing that felt like a girl gnawing on your lip.” Ouch! Biting can be fun, but that sounds more painful than sexy. The two dated in the 1990s, at the height of both of their careers, when he met her and the rest of the Spice Girls (don’t forget: if you wanna be her lover…) at the recording studio. How perfectly Tiger Beat.
14. Julia Roberts
Julia Roberts has always been a little kooky. She never was the perfect girly-girl, almost like the Jennifer Lawrence of yesteryear. But, somehow, she still became one of the most recognizable faces in movies. In doing so, she also developed quite a reputation for herself. Apparently, her hygiene isn’t stellar. She has recently gone totally “green”, cutting corners wherever she could, even if that meant not taking as many showers as befitting the queen of the screen. Even Julia Roberts herself has admitted to skipping showers and not wearing deodorant. Nothing like a gulp of body odor to get you in the mood to give a kiss.
13. Megan Fox
Megan Fox might seem like the ultimate video vixen, but in reality she’s a total slob. In an interview with FHM magazine, she admitted, among many other atrocities, that she gets called out by her friends for ‘pinching a loaf’ and not flushing. For all of you unfamiliar with arcane, 1980s slang, ‘pinching a loaf’ means having a good poo. She probably didn’t mean anything by it, and was probably just trying to pull of the “cool girl” that Jennifer Lawrence does so well on talk shows, but she overshot and ended up coming off a little gross.
12. Matthew McConaughey
“Women love my natural scent. I smell like a man. I smell like me.” – Matthew McConaughey to Kate Hudson after she requested he wear some deodorant, any deodorant, even HER deodorant, on set for the 2008 film Fool’s Gold. McConaughey is constantly parodied in popular media for his oblivious self-confidence. Until I heard this factoid, I always assumed that it was just a gist that people got from him rather than an evidence-based conclusion. What a ridiculous thing for him to say! Although he’s probably onto something with regard to pheromones, there’s a difference between “attracting a mate” and “smelling like a Jakarta armpit.” Know it, Matthew.
11. Jessica Simpson
Do you remember a while back, there was a toothpaste commercial where a woman said that her teeth still felt like they were wearing fuzzy slippers even after she brushed them? That’s a pretty universally disagreeable feeling. It feels like weird fridge mold is growing inside of your mouth. But someone who loves that sensation is Jessica Simpson, who once admitted on Ellen that she doesn’t often brush because her teeth feel too slippery afterwards. Well a slippery tooth is a clean tooth, ipso facto… Jessica Simpson loves to have a dirty-a$$ mouth. Here’s hoping that she doesn’t eat “chicken of the sea” on top of that and make it even worse.
10. Robert Pattinson
Now without meaning to throw too much shade at the dry-witted Brit, Robert Pattison‘s the kind of guy you think “yeah, I could see that” when told that he has lousy hygiene (think Ethan Hawke back in his Uma Thurman days). His hair is constantly greasy and, off of the red carpet, his shirts look like he found them in the 99c crate at a London thrift shop. Is it any surprise that his BO “gets to the point where even [he] can’t stand the air around [himself]”? Hard to imagine it would be much fun kissing him if you can even enter his personal space without feeling disgusted. Kristen Stewart probably insisted that he be blasted down with a firehose before she’d agree to kiss him on set of Twilight.
9. Christina Aguilera
To return to my original conceit, Christina Aguilera is, at least according to the writers at Family Guy, offensive to all five senses. “You look like if I touched you, you’d be sticky. And frankly, you smell bad… You know when you smell something and it gets stuck in there and you can sorta taste it? Yeah, well I’m tasting you right now and it tastes awful. Truly disgusting. Like salty garbage.” Obviously this was a HUGE exaggeration of reality, but sources say that it did work off of some reality. A reporter from Arena Magazine once said that X-Tina smells like “a 12-year-old girl’s bedroom on school-disco night.” A co-worker said that she smells like hot-dogs and always has.
8. Jason Segel
One of the stars of How I Met Your Mother wasn’t kissable and it wasn’t Josh Radnor or Neil Patrick Harris. It was cigarette-smoker Jason Segel. That’s right: American Pie‘s Alyson Hannigan said that she always had to brace herself before kissing her on-screen husband because his smoker’s breath was such a turn off. Perhaps, for all you smokers out there, this doesn’t seem so objectionable. But to people who don’t smoke, cigarette breath can be pretty atrocious, not only smelling bad, but also tasting pretty foul. Let’s hope his real life S.O Alexis Mixter doesn’t mind the habit.
7. Jennifer Aniston
She may look perfect as can be, but Jennifer Aniston has something no camera or recording device can betray: stinky breath. Both Alec Baldwin and Jason Bateman, who worked with her on 30 Rock and Horrible Bosses, respectively, agree on it. Admittedly, there’s a source cause: coffee. Like Michael Scott in the “Suggestion Box” episode of The Office, Jennifer Aniston has been called out for having rank coffee breath that makes her unappealing to kiss. On screen she seems flawless, but if real life had green gas-clouds to represent stink like they do in cartoons, Jen Aniston would be surrounded in one.
6. Johnny Depp
Another star who appears to graceful on the screen, but off screen leaves a lot to be desired is Johnny Depp. While filming The Tourist with the famously eccentric actor, Angelina Jolie insisted he pop breath mints and swish Listerine before any makeout scenes. The reasons are unclear, although many people believe it was to temper his cigarette breath, although both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have the occasional cigarette (they’re so cosmopolitan, goddamn.) Perhaps it was all the wine-and-cheese breath that one gets from living in France. Either way, Johnny Depp was staying in character for Pirates in the Caribbean by having a seafarer’s hygiene.
5. Angelina Jolie
According to James McAvoy, kissing Angelina Jolie is almost as bad as kissing Johnny Depp. About kissing the leading lady on the set of Wanted, he said it was: “awkward, sweaty, and not very nice”. He left it at that, quietly withholding the “because of the onion breath!” or “because her kisses are far too drippy!”, but we suspect it might have something to do with the fact that her husband is essentially Tyler Durden and James McAvoy played Mr. Tumnus in The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe, so there is a bit of a discrepancy in toughness between them.
4. Ben Affleck
Even though he now plays billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne/philanthropist vigilante Batman, some people still don’t want to kiss Ben Affleck. And by some people, I mean Sandra Bullock on the set of Forces of Nature. In 1999, when the movie was made, she claimed that his breath was so nasty that she gave him a box of breathmints to rectify it. On a personal level, it would be a huge slap in the face to hand your S.O. a box of breath fresheners, but when working with someone that intimately it almost seems unprofessional to have terrible breath. Ben should known better (although obviously the nanny did NOT mind!).
3. Kate Hudson
She may seem pretty and beachy, but Kate Hudson’s onion breath is unavoidable. This is all according to Dane Cook, with whom she starred in My Best Friend’s Girl. That being the case: should we believe it? Dane Cook also claimed he never stole jokes, an assertion which has overwhelmingly been proven wrong. Maybe he’s just yelling slander into the void to try and resuscitate an ailing career (he even appeared on Louis C.K.’s show Louie to apologize for his plagiaristic ways). But at the same time it’s fun to find out that Kate Hudson has stinky breath, so let’s suspend our disbelief.
2. Shailene Woodley
Star of The Fault in Our Stars and The Divergent Series (whose last installment, Allegiant, has 11% on RottenTomatoes, the same score as the notoriously bad Dirty Grandpa), Shailene Woodley is undeniably one of the teen queens on this generation. Unfortunately, she’s also one of the stink queens on Hollywood. Her co-star Miles Teller has said that her breath smells like ‘crap’. Miles Teller on kissing Woodley in The Spectacular Now: “Before our first kissing scene, Shailene took these Chinese dirt supplements and shoved them in her mouth… It’s like a dirt pouch, and it smells like crap.” Ouch. Brutal!
1. Jennifer Lawrence
As Ariana Grande as Jennifer Lawrence said on SNL: “They told me not to do a gameshow but I was like ‘Screw it, I can have fun, I’m a regular person.'”
As Kenan Thompson as Steve Harvey responded: “Okay… You know you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know.”
This pretty much sums it up: Jennifer Lawrence is a good time gal, easy and breezy, always down for whatever. That’s why it comes as no surprise that she would play a joke on her Hunger Games co-stars by eating gross foods like garlic before they had any kissing scenes. It turns out there were a lot of games going on behind the scenes of the notoriously self-serious films.
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