It seems these days you can’t go into a theatre or watch TV without seeing an ad for the next superhero movie. They have slowly been taking over cinemas since Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk dropped in 2008, and now boast well over $1 billion in revenue worldwide. Doesn’t matter if it’s Marvel or DC, audiences all over are eating this stuff up. Sure, Steven Spielberg may think that superhero movies are going out of style soon, but that’s not stopping announcements for flicks coming out all the way until 2020.
So far the line up I’ve seen looks pretty promising. However, with all the hype around superheros doing their thing on screen, it would have been easy for Hollywood to test out a few heroes that never quite made it to the spotlight – or at least not for very long. Thankfully, the lesser known heroes they have chosen are worth watching for at least an hour and a half, unlike every hero on this list. Straight up, if any of these made it to camera, we would never get another superhero movie for the rest of our days.
Here are 12 Ridiculous Superheroes We Hope Never See The Big Screen.
12. NFL Superpro
NFL Superpro was a short-lived comic in the early 90’s, running only 12 issues – and it’s no surprise why. Phil Grayfield was once an all-star football pro, who had to give up his career after severely injuring his knee saving a child. He then became a sports reporter, and in the middle of an interview with a mad scientist/football fan, they are attacked by thieves, and in the chaos, Superpro is somehow merged with the suit? I think? From then, he just goes around beating up bad guys in a cool suit. To make matters better, this character was only made after the creator was promised Jets tickets.
11. Arm Fall Off Boy
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Nope, just some dude’s arm. Not only is this guy’s name stupid on multiple levels, but his power is equally as stupid. He can remove his limbs and use them as blunt weapons. There isn’t even an official origin to how he got his powers. Like, what the hell does he expect to get done? If he’s up against thugs and purse snatchers, yeah, you might be able to do something. But against any one of the super villains inhabiting the DC universe, he would be reduced to goo in no time.
10. Fruit Boy
Yes, that is his real name. Or at least his alter ego’s. No, his power is not sipping Appletini’s, gossiping with you and your girlfriends with sassy zingers. No, his power is the ability to speed up the growth of fruits, as well as being able to make them rot faster. Oh man. Look out for Fruit Boy! Get all your delicious good in the crisper, Fruit Man is coming! His power was so useless he was rejected from the Legion of Superheroes – a Legion known for housing some real stinkers in terms of super powers.
Contrary to his name, his power is not super powered urine. In fact, Robert Frank gained his only ability of super speed after being bit by a cobra in Africa and having his blood transfused with a mongoose. He lives a life plagued with misfortune. He had several heart attacks, dealt with alcoholism and depression for years, as well as spending some time living on the streets. He eventually came out of retirement, only to be fooled into fighting the Avengers, as well as believing that Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are his children. Something he believed right up until he died – of a third heart attack.
8. Ulysses Solomon Archer (US 1)
After his skull was nearly crushed in an accident (caused unknowingly to him by his brother), US 1 was fixed up with a metal plate in his skull that allowed him to pick up CB transmissions. Which is only really handy if you happen to be a truck driver, which thankfully, US 1 totally is! So he goes out in his big rig to find the ones that killed his brother. I could see this being a really slick revenge movie, but the superpower would have little to nothing to do with it. I mean, if you are in a truck with a CB radio, the only advantage your power would have is tuning into the frequencies your radio isn’t tuned into.
We all know how much flak Aquaman gets for his subpar powers. But at least his can control the creatures of the deep. Aqualad? Not so much. He could swim fast, breathe underwater and withstand intense underwater pressures. This guy was so useless, they had to update him in the late 90’s, giving him real powers that could do some good. Even then, we are better off getting an Aquaman movie – and we are. Thankfully they gave him a new name too, because anything with “Lad” in the title is immediately laughable.
Ever since I was a wee baby, I’ve dreamed about teleportation. It’d be so much easier to get anything done. Unless of course you have the kind of teleportation powers as Doorman. He can teleport you to any adjacent room. Yeah, right? He can only open up pathways to another side of a wall. He sacrificed himself in the fight against Maelstrom, thus earning him a better station in the afterlife, essentially becoming the angel of death for the realm of Oblivion. I’d rather that than helping people get to the bathroom quicker.
5. Matter Eater Lad
Another victim of having Lad in his name, which also seems to be a symptom of stupid powers. This guy is from the planet Bismoll, a place where everything on it is inedible. So how do the inhabitants get their nourishment? Why, by developing an incredible stomach acid capable of breaking down literally anything, of course. That may be helpful to survive on his home planet; here on Earth, it’s a little more useless. Not only do we not need to eat buildings and asphalt to get by, but if those things were in our way, we have much better means of getting around it.
This guy was a member of the X-Men who joined the team in the 80’s with the introduction of the New Mutants story arc. Frankly, he doesn’t have the worst power on this list, it’s just not one that would translate well to be a lead character in a movie. See, he can understand every language. Ever. Which is awesomely handy as a human, being able to go anywhere on the planet and have a conversation with someone, no issues. However, if an alien race came to the Earth, Cypher would be good for about the first 10 minutes of negotiations before they opened fire.
3. The Red Bee
Utilizing bees as a weapon against the evil of Nazi’s and gangsters sounds like a great idea on paper. Once applied though, it’s pretty ridiculous. Now, I’m talking about the original Red Bee here, Richard Raleigh. Because the new Red Bee is actually kind of cool, despite being a discount Iron Man costume with some robot bees to assist. But the original just ran around with his Stinger gun and his special bee ‘Michael’ that he would save for dire situations. Considering bees only live for about 2 months, I wonder how many Michael’s he went through.
You know a comic is bad when it doesn’t even get a year-long run. And you know it’s really bad when it ends after one issue. Skateman was about a young man named Billy Moon, a Vietnam vet and martial arts enthusiast who discovered a love for roller derby… yeah. After the murder of his friend, he is inspired by comic book heroes to become a half-assed hero himself. So he puts on his roller skates, wraps a bandana around his face and heads out to do the typical hero thing. Sorry guys, but if I wanted to watch a regular human beat up other regular humans, I’d go watch the UFC.
1. Hindsight Lad
Ever seen the South Park episode with Captain Hindsight? Well, he’s not the first to claim the power of hindsight. No super strength, no superior intellect, no incredible power of flight. Nope, just the ability to see stuff go down, and then tell you how you could have done a better job. I think what really started this guy on the wrong foot was putting “Lad” in his name. Add in the fact he only got to his position by blackmailing another hero after finding out their true identity, and you’ve got a crappy, non-hero that we will all be better off not seeing translated to the big screen.
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